When the ex AH immediately latches on to another rescuer...
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pac Northwest
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When the ex AH immediately latches on to another rescuer...
Hi, I'm back. surprise
I'm in the middle of filing for divorce from my ex sober alcoholic H. He stopped drinking but never entered recovery. I knew the relationship was over for a very long time (over a year), but this was news to him back in early July (even though we were trying to live as "roommates" for one year under the same roof. funny).
Here's the deal:
Literally, within 2-3 weeks of the earth-shattering "news" about divorce, he goes out and latches on to another rescuer. Met her online. CL, I think.
Honestly, I could care less what he does in his free time. But, we have preschool age children together and now he is dragging them into more chaos. They've had enough transitions simply getting used to having two homes. The XAH brings my boys over to this new person's house, and hooks up with her every time he has our kids.
One of my boys got a bad head injury from playing (unsupervised?) at her house.
I understand this person is sick, never entered recovery, and does not have the ability to self-soothe, but the fact that my kids are being dragged into his illness/dependency is killing me.
I'm so sad and frustrated. Just looking for wise words, support. Help me wrap my head around this!
I'm in the middle of filing for divorce from my ex sober alcoholic H. He stopped drinking but never entered recovery. I knew the relationship was over for a very long time (over a year), but this was news to him back in early July (even though we were trying to live as "roommates" for one year under the same roof. funny).
Here's the deal:
Literally, within 2-3 weeks of the earth-shattering "news" about divorce, he goes out and latches on to another rescuer. Met her online. CL, I think.
Honestly, I could care less what he does in his free time. But, we have preschool age children together and now he is dragging them into more chaos. They've had enough transitions simply getting used to having two homes. The XAH brings my boys over to this new person's house, and hooks up with her every time he has our kids.
One of my boys got a bad head injury from playing (unsupervised?) at her house.
I understand this person is sick, never entered recovery, and does not have the ability to self-soothe, but the fact that my kids are being dragged into his illness/dependency is killing me.
I'm so sad and frustrated. Just looking for wise words, support. Help me wrap my head around this!
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Originally Posted by RobinsFly 
I understand this person is sick, never entered recovery, and does not have the ability to self-soothe, but the fact that my kids are being dragged into his illness/dependency is killing me.
I'm so sad and frustrated. Just looking for wise words, support. Help me wrap my head around this!
Do you have any professional resources available for the kids?
Counseling?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pac Northwest
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Originally Posted by sailorjohn
Okay, it looks like you have wrapped your head around it.
Do you have any professional resources available for the kids?
Counseling?
Do you have any professional resources available for the kids?
Counseling?
I am going to need a lot of support.
Another thing I didn't mention:
Although the XAH already latched on to someone else, he continues to blame, threaten, manipulate, and bully me.
It is unreal how he thinks he can give anything to another person/relationship. He is a shell of a person.
I learned to detach from his words. But seeing my kids exposed to his continual dysfunction is heartbreaking.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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It does not surprise me that he takes his kids to his new relationship's home when he has them. He will participate in raising them as much as he did with you. Nothing changes if nothing changes, right? If you were the primary caregiver, he will need to find a replacement.
I say this because I saw this in my Ex's extended family. No sooner was the fed up wife out of the house then a seemingly fancier replacement model was brought in to help Dad with the kids. Nothing changed for the guy accept who he rolled over to see in the morning. It drove me crazy that he was touted as Dad of the year because his wife left him with three young children to raise on his own. No one bothered to ask why she would leave such a prize.
What I saw was that his participation in the new relationship was no different than the first except he had the first wife to blame when disagreements erupted. It goes without saying that the replacement wife left after a year. She was dubbed an angry b**** who only brought him down. Now he had two former wivesclub members to blame. He was still touted as a saint for raising his kids alone, though he never really was alone. I have noticed that some supports have fallen off the bandwagon along the way.
Last I heard, he was left by his third relationship and was courting a fourth. The children have gotten old enough now to make some decisions and have left him for other relatives.
I am not saying here that it's because he's a man that he does this, it's his lack of coping skills and ability to be a father alone with his kids that makes him need to have a rescuer close at hand in my unprofessional opinion.
I think you already have your answers, I just wanted to share with you. I think counselling for them would go a long way. Heal them and let them learn to cope with him since you can't control what he does.
Alice
I say this because I saw this in my Ex's extended family. No sooner was the fed up wife out of the house then a seemingly fancier replacement model was brought in to help Dad with the kids. Nothing changed for the guy accept who he rolled over to see in the morning. It drove me crazy that he was touted as Dad of the year because his wife left him with three young children to raise on his own. No one bothered to ask why she would leave such a prize.
What I saw was that his participation in the new relationship was no different than the first except he had the first wife to blame when disagreements erupted. It goes without saying that the replacement wife left after a year. She was dubbed an angry b**** who only brought him down. Now he had two former wivesclub members to blame. He was still touted as a saint for raising his kids alone, though he never really was alone. I have noticed that some supports have fallen off the bandwagon along the way.
Last I heard, he was left by his third relationship and was courting a fourth. The children have gotten old enough now to make some decisions and have left him for other relatives.
I am not saying here that it's because he's a man that he does this, it's his lack of coping skills and ability to be a father alone with his kids that makes him need to have a rescuer close at hand in my unprofessional opinion.
I think you already have your answers, I just wanted to share with you. I think counselling for them would go a long way. Heal them and let them learn to cope with him since you can't control what he does.
Alice
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice
It does not surprise me that he takes his kids to his new relationship's home when he has them. He will participate in raising them as much as he did with you. Nothing changes if nothing changes, right? If you were the primary caregiver, he will need to find a replacement.
Never thought of this like this....but this is so very true in my situation. I see XAH repeating with the kids exactly how he was with me...now that I am gone. I now see him blaming the kids exactly as he blamed me.He too tried early on to introduce the kids to his new women. Horrified and infuriated me. I kept thinking, "How could he do this to these traumatized kids? Why can't he devote himself to them and their healing during the divorce?"
Silly question. He never devoted himself to anyone before and nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice
It does not surprise me that he takes his kids to his new relationship's home when he has them.
I am not saying here that it's because he's a man that he does this, it's his lack of coping skills and ability to be a father alone with his kids that makes him need to have a rescuer close at hand in my unprofessional opinion.
I am not saying here that it's because he's a man that he does this, it's his lack of coping skills and ability to be a father alone with his kids that makes him need to have a rescuer close at hand in my unprofessional opinion.
Thanks for the feedback/example Alice. I know once he latches on, he will NOT let go. So, it would be up to this new rescuer/enabler to split. And if she is so unhealthy not to RUN from a guy who continually blames his ex for everything, then lord help her.
I actually never fully understood why I felt so alone as a parent. Physically, he was there. But in every other way he was absent.
Now I get it. He cannot be a father alone. He cannot be fully present with his own children. He even blames a 3 yr old for not wanting to hug him back.
But we learn, right? It's impossible to be present when we're too busy blaming the world for all our problems.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
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Originally Posted by RobinsFly
I have a fantastic counselor, but you make a good point. I think I need to find a professional that specializes in kids/divorce issues.
I am going to need a lot of support.
Another thing I didn't mention:
Although the XAH already latched on to someone else, he continues to blame, threaten, manipulate, and bully me.
It is unreal how he thinks he can give anything to another person/relationship. He is a shell of a person.
I learned to detach from his words. But seeing my kids exposed to his continual dysfunction is heartbreaking.
I am going to need a lot of support.
Another thing I didn't mention:
Although the XAH already latched on to someone else, he continues to blame, threaten, manipulate, and bully me.
It is unreal how he thinks he can give anything to another person/relationship. He is a shell of a person.
I learned to detach from his words. But seeing my kids exposed to his continual dysfunction is heartbreaking.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pac Northwest
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by Ago
And alcoholism/codependency too if you want to really get help on a deeper level and not just deal with the surface symptoms, or in my experience, what I don't deal with I get again in a new and improved more painful version/lesson
I've done and continue to do my own work. Lots of it. Plus, my grad program forces us to look at our own foo stuff.
I've learned about the codependency issue through Al-anon, reading, and wonderful boards like this one.
I meant, I should find a professional for my kids, who has some experience with alcoholic families.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
If he is drinking and the children are with him they are not safe! Why are you letting him take them if he isn't sober?
My exah uses his gf's to watch his kids while he drank. How do I know this? I was one of those women for a long time. I entertained his other kids while he drank and popped pills. Now that we have our own baby I will not let him take her.
My exah uses his gf's to watch his kids while he drank. How do I know this? I was one of those women for a long time. I entertained his other kids while he drank and popped pills. Now that we have our own baby I will not let him take her.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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I agree in getting some counseling for those kids too.
I was very fortunate in that I didn't have any kids with EXAH when I left him.
He also latched onto another rescuer, and married her shortly after our divorce. They were still married 15+ years later when he died of complications from AIDS.
I was very fortunate in that I didn't have any kids with EXAH when I left him.
He also latched onto another rescuer, and married her shortly after our divorce. They were still married 15+ years later when he died of complications from AIDS.
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