justtired

I've been thinking a lot about myself and why I'm having so much trouble leaving my abf. I know i need to. I know i don't have a choice. But I still can't make the move for some reason.

So what I've been thinking my problem is is that I have trouble leaving my "comfort zone". I think back about a time that I was on a class field trip when I was a kid. We stopped at a place for ice cream that had 101 flavors. Guess what i got... VANILLA! Why, because I knew it and liked it and it was COMFORTABLE. When I went to college, I had an ENGLISH major. English. Why? Because i knew I knew it. I can talk and I can read so therefore this is something I can do. I've never been able to stretch my imagination to the unknown.

Thing I can't figure out is that if something falls in my lap, I just do it and go with the flow. I always end up just fine. I've had several different jobs and have done well in each. I'm not sure why I don't have a problem with that kind of change.

Anyway, just thought I'd share. I still have learning to do about myself. Why do I have such trouble leaving my comfort zone or trying new things? A fear of failure??? I just don't know exactly what my issue is, but I certainly have one. I have a lack in self esteem, but I can't pinpoint why that is exactly.

Now i just need to figure out how to get the heck out of this uncomfortable, yet still sort of comfortable, situation. for letting me share!

greeteachday

This made me smile - I remember going to a wonderful ice cream place when I was a kid (and back in those days of old there weren't many that had more than vanilla, chocolate and strawberry, lol) and my mom read all those flavors to my little brother. He picked vanilla too. We all thought he did it to drive her nuts

I've found as I worked recovery that it helped me to pick one thing that was not in my comfort zone and try it. Going to my first Naranon meeting alone was a start. Going out to a nice place alone to eat (without a book) when I was on work travel instead of having a sandwich in my room was another. Entering my first 5K race and completing it was scary too...Not the run - I knew I could do it; just doing something that I never did before and not knowing what to expect.

I think for me it was a control thing. If I am comfortable, I tend to think I am in control. Leaving my comfort zone has helped realize I am always in control of the one thing I can control - me. How I act and react is mine to focus on.

Maybe trying to take little steps outside your comfort zone will help you to realize it isn't as scary as it seems. I find, the little steps help me towards taking the big leap.

Freedom1990

For me, I had to stick my toes in the water before I could get wet.

The only way to get past the discomfort is to walk through it.

I don't know about you, but dissecting and analyzing why I can't do something that I know is healthy for me is a way of avoiding actually doing it, while trying to make myself feel better.

Learn2Live

Hi Tired!

You DO have a choices. Pegging yourself in your mind, into a hole (bad OR good) can paralyze you. Reminding yourself every day when you wake up that you have the power to decide how you will live your life today, will strengthen your resolve to make healthy decisions for yourself.

Um, until I was about 32 years old, mine was Rocky Road. You're not alone.

Um, mine was English too. When I got talked out of that my Senior Year of high school, I had no other ideas so I didn't go to college.

Never say "never." I doubt this self-assessment is true.

Um, me too. And it typically lands me in places I didn't want to go in the first place.

Maybe because you are already confident in this regard because you have self-esteem in this area because you got a degree.


You have trouble leaving your comfort zone simply because you are human. What is unusual about YOU is that you are taking steps to change this about yourself. Way to go! My personal take?: You do not have a fear of failure, you do not have a lack of self-esteem, nor is there anything wrong with you. I think you are JUST LIKE ME--human. It does not matter WHY you are "this way." What matters is taking a step toward the uncomfortable and standing in it a while until it feels comfortable. I personally do not like to test the waters that way because I will then back out. I like to jump in feet first; no turning back.

Don't take too long. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

URMYEVERYTHING

And by going out on a limb and trying another flavor.... won't kill you.... you just might enjoy it more than the same ole' vanilla. LOL.

justtired

Thanks everyone for your replies. I wasn't able to get back on til this morning. I really appreciate everyone's responses.

This is probably very true. Thank you for pointing this out. I have a feeling this may play a big role for me.

Yep, another factor for sure. Thank you.

Thank you for this L2L. It's comforting to know that I am not alone. It's true that I am human and no human is perfect, although I have the tendency to try to be.

Thank you. I thought I was doing myself a favor telling myself that I didn't have a choice, but maybe that is part of what is paralyzing me.

SO TRUE! I had one day by myself. I very rarely get any alone time and I CHERISHED IT. In only one day, I found more of myself than I have in months. It felt great to do what I wanted when I wanted. I don't want to give up control of myself anymore.

Funny thing is that at some point in my life, I have strayed from the vanilla. I get a different flavor almost every time now. Maybe I don't need to go QUITE that far in the relationship department. LOL Ice cream just doesn't affect my life quite as much as a relationship. But it was a starting point I guess!

Thanks again everyone. I'm not used to looking at myself so deeply. I've really never thought so much about who I am and what I want in life. I really do appreciate the help during this journey!

cessy68

Hey JT,

101 flavors.... and you picked vanilla? Lol. You made me laugh this morning anyhow... (even though you wern't being funny).

Ah, well anyhoo.... sweetie, don't over analzye. Sometimes in life we are thrown a curveball, and we aren't sure of what to do.

Maybe you are 'comfortable', in an uncomfortable situation. Maybe you are just caught up in the 'what if it changes' belief, and somewhere deep inside you hope it will. Perhaps you just aren't done yet.

It sucks to have to feel the way you do, and searching for the answer in 'why' you don't leave is truely irrelevant. The bottom line is you haven't left-- and it's killing you. One time while I was in therapy for my anxiety attacks, I said to my therapist, "if I could just figure out where this originated from, then I'd know why this happens, then I could fix it."

He said to me, "it dosen't matter 'how or why' you have panic attacks, what matters is dealing with the reality that you do have them. What is important is learning to overcome the fear of them, so that you can LIVE your life. Dosen't matter why."

Kinda like you JT. Dosen't really matter why dose it? All that matters is how you are going to move forward..... the whys keep us stuck.

It's a hard task.... I struggle with this every day.... why why why.

Love ya girl.
Cess

justtired

Glad I could make you laugh! It cracks me up now too. My mom was with on the field trip and was right next to me when I ordered. She was totally exasperated and I didn't understand then why. But imagine a little girl, completely innocently saying, "but I LIKE vanilla!".

Time to broaden those horizons a bit eh? LOL

cassandra2

When stuff "falls" into your lap like you say you have NO choice but to change. Change is easier (not easy just easier) when you have NO other choice.

Imagine losing your job. What would you do? Well, after freaking out you would start looking for another job. Making a change that you are forced to do.

Now imagine its Saturday morning and your plan is to get up and start your new exercise program...UHHHH your so tired so instead of making the change in your daily habit its easier to stay in bed and enjoy the warmth of your bed.

There is a big difference between those types of changes. Especially with us codies...

I have been trying each day to get out of my comfort zone. Trying ANYTHING that is different from what I normally do. Here is an example. The other day it was COLD outside. The kids were outside playing and having a good time. I was watching from the window. Then I had a thought "hey why dont I go out there and play with them".

So I went and my 9 year old nephew ended up showing me how to punt the football. It was sooooo much fun....I was pounding that ball as far as I could and enjoying every minute of it. That was totally outside of my comfort zone but I did it and I enjoyed and now I feel a little less scared to continue to try things I normally would not do.

Its a process just like everything else in life but its actually kind of a fun process. Learning how to get out of your comfort zone is alot more fun then just sitting on the side line waiting for something to fall into your lap....

Freedom1990

I thought about this thread this morning when I checked my email for my daily reflection to read.


Today's Gift 10/05/2009

The moment one definitely commits one's self, and then providence moves too.
--W.H. Murray

We believe God is always with us, but we can experience God's presence more visibly when we have the courage to act.

Decisions are difficult for us. Sometimes we won't make a decision until we feel it is absolutely right. We are finding out, though, that there is some right and some wrong in every decision. We may never feel completely sure of anything.

Today, we can risk moving forward and trust ourselves, with the guidance of our Higher Power, to move in a right and orderly direction. Once we start moving, we will feel better. We usually get what we need when we begin a course of action.

Today let me stop waiting and take action.