ItsmeAlice

I have had a rough week. Had a bad cold. Had trouble stretching my paycheck far enough. Had to get help from family to pay some bills. Okay, I say, this too shall pass.

I was hanging in there and then out of the blue I got a nasty talking to from my friend/roommate last night because she's financially strapped and now wants a lot more money from me to stay here. She has pushed away the money I've given her up until now and I've had to insist she take it in lieu of rent and such. Now, she tells me I better pay more or get out. WTF? I've pushed money on her, and now this? I've not given her the highest going rate for a house share in this area because I don't have here what others offer including a private bedroom and bathroom. I tried very hard to be fair about it. She disagrees.

Well, privacy has actually been an issue for me because I get walked in on alot. She has things she needs daily from the basement and the bathroom door does not latch closed or lock. My friend has learned to knock and ask if she can come in, which was hard for her having lived alone. Today, she was out, and I got walked in on in the bathroom by her brother, whom I have never met who let himself into the house. By the time I got myself together he was already out of the house and had gone to the basement door where I have my room and scared the stuffing out of my pets. Thankfully, he did not go in there, I don't know if my pups would have been polite to an unfamiliar man walking in. I tried to get down there to find out what was going on but he got in his car and started to leave. He ended up waiting out there for her for about an hour. They had dinner here and chatted away upstairs for another hour or so. I stayed away because I was pretty upset.

I have told her that I startle easily and that I am uncomfortable with not being able to lock a door behind me. So when she stuttered a laugh tonite and said "So I hear you met my brother?" I was irritated. I responded that I wouldn't call it 'meeting' since I didn't know until that moment who he was. She said, "Yeah, he said he was real sorry." I responded that he should have said that to me and left the conversation.

Before, I would have said "Oh that's okay". I'm so used to apologizing for what others do, that would be my gut reaction, but I didn't. I took her tongue lashing last night for no reason and with no apology and now this. The very argument I was making has been played out. I was frightened and it wasn't funny.

I said what I meant to say, I meant what I said, but I did say it matter of factly, which could be seen as mean, and I am struggling with that. Why? When is it okay to just be really mad and let others know it? I didn't lash out. I wasn't nasty. I wasn't overreacting. So why do I feel like I'm the one who's done something wrong? This is another CoDa lesson, isn't it?

Support and hope would be amazing right now.

Alice

MissFixit

Can you move? This is a lot of drama.

ItsmeAlice

Yes, I can move. You are right to ask.

Even though she has said up until last night she wanted me to stay and was grateful to have me here to help out, I've been actively looking. I didn't want to overstay my welcome, you know. I've just not had luck finding what I need and can afford.

I had already set up a visit to a potential place tomorrow. I am parying it works out for me, of course.

I agree. Too much drama here.

Learn2Live

Hi Alice. I don't think I've ever "heard" you upset before. Makes me think you are under a lot of stress. Maybe take a bubble bath tonight? Not sure if you have a bathtub. Alternatively, maybe use some nice-smelling soaps or candles (but make sure you put the candle out before going to sleep). Do a few minutes of deep breathing. Take a walk outside and inhale fresh air deeply.

It sounds like you are looking at yourself as the cause of this "problem" that obviously exists in your living situation. I can see quite clearly that people are not respecting your boundaries, neither your physical boundaries nor your emotional boundaries. They sound like cads. (I think that's the right word, Cads).

I personally don't think you're struggling with asserting yourself because there is something "wrong" with or "codependent" about you. It's like my friend told me last week on the phone before I ran away from home, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU so don't go looking for a problem inside you. Because hon, it is OK to be really mad and it's OK to express that anger.

I think you FEEL like something is wrong because there IS something wrong. And I don't think it is you because I don't see from this story that you even DID anything. They are not respecting you and you can either continue to live with it or move. (I don't mean to sound harsh).

Trust your instincts and follow your heart. You know instinctively what respect from others feels like. And your heart tells you when someone disrespects you.

I'm confident you are not actually confused about anything. I applaud you for not screaming at her or her brother, for maintaining your composure and keeping your integrity!

Love ya'! I hope you feel better soon.

Daisy30

(((((hug)))))

We all get mad and upset. Natural reactions. Take some time. If you still feel badly about it in a day or two then appologize. If you still feel you did the right thing, then no worries.

Sorry the living situation isn't working out. Do you think the two of you can come to some sort of an agreement until you find another place?

Like, put a sock on the door if you are using the bathroom? Maybe shpow her some examples of how much shared rent is going for. Let her know what you can afford and that you are strapped for cash as well.

You HP is looking out for you. Trust in that. I hope you find a place that is right for you and your furry friends

justtakestime

I also love ya!!!!! Is your roomate "TRYING" to push you away or out? I mean, I know she's having financial difficulty too but for her just"out of no where" act like this...... And did the brother not know that you were living there?

I will remember you in my prayers that your "prospect" will work out tomorrow!!!

GiveLove

Hoping that tomorrow turns out to be the day when you find your sanctuary, Alice. You've been through a lot and you deserve the calm, safety, and stability that your own place will give you, far from the drama-rama.

Big ((((( hugs ))))) to you, friend.

Freedom1990

Alice, have you ever seen a 'dammit' doll? They had one up at my old doctor's office, quite a hoot actually. It was just this stuffed crudely shaped small doll that had a poem that went with it. Can't remember what the actual poem was, but the point was you were supposed to hit the 'dammit' doll repeatedly on something like your desk and say dammit when you were frustrated/angry!

I called my sponsor a couple of weeks ago foaming at the mouth about something my boss did, and do you know what he had the nerve to say? "Welcome to life!" That turd nugget!!!!!!!! (I used to hang up on him a lot when he did stuff like that).

Anyway, he went on in the conversation to ask me if I wanted to hear about his week, and I said okay. He's an over-the-road driver for a large trucking company, so he does a lot of deliveries up and down the east coast and down south.

He said for the first time in over a decade, he had to make a delivery to downtown Washington DC because he's the only driver in the company with that kind of security clearance for areas like that. It took him 5 1/2 hours to creep through traffic and get through just one checkpoint.

He said at one point he had just one nerve left, and had someone plucked on it, it would have broke in half! So he started taking some deep breaths. Then he told himself he was getting paid for that job-he wasn't doing it for free. Then he started thinking about all the people who didn't have jobs in this crap economy right now. He pulled out his pad he keeps in his truck and wrote out a gratitude list while he was sitting at that checkpoint, and before he knew it, his attitude was so much better.

When I got off the phone with him, my attitude was better!

I swear, that man ruins my temper tantrums every time!

ItsmeAlice

They are not respecting you and you can either continue to live with it or move. (I don't mean to sound harsh).


Not harsh at all L2L. This is the truth about life in general that I am coming to understand. Accept or make changes. No apolgies. No slump into feeling helpless. I can control only me, right?

Thank you for your wonderful suggestions! I often forget to be kind to myself sometimes. I do well with patience and encouragement, but I'm not often pampering of myself. Your reminder was needed, thank you

Daisy, you're so right...taking a couple of days to consider my feelings is an excellent strategy. I will do that and see how I feel. Thank you for the encouragement and great ideas to work with my situation.

ItsmeAlice

justtakestime, I wondered the same thing last night. I kept tossing it around in my head if I misread what she said, if I just mistook her mood, or if I was feeling overly defensive after a crummy week. I just couldn't get past her saying I better pay more or get out. There was just no call for it that I could find other than an internal trigger of hers. I prayed this morning that if there was something I had done to cause her reaction that it is revealed to me since I'm at a loss.

I can only assume the brother did not know I was here. Maybe his trip to the basement was to confirm I was a roomate and not an intruder myself.

Thanks for the prayers for tomorrow!

ItsmeAlice

"Welcome to life!"

Uggh. You said it right there, DeVon. Life is full of tantrums. Sometimes we have them. Sometimes they happen right in front of us like a car wreck. The look on my face last night must have been similar to the one I gave her brother today...drained of color, completely gobsmacked.

I'm going to get my butt in the tubb (I'll bar the door tonite) get into bed with my furbabies and make a gratitude list before I nod off.

Good recovery tools never go out of style! And great for any occasion, too!

transformyself

At the very least this isn't an ideal living situation. How long have you been there?

When your living situation does'nt feel safe it powerfully impacts every aspect of your life.

Can you put locks on the doors?

I hope you can work it out with her so that she respects you and your space. Why don' ty ou talk directly to her? Tell her how disrespected you feel? If you can't live together, that's fine. It's not the last place on earth and you don't want to live with a jerk. or do you? I only ask because I did for years.

transformyself

ok I just reread your post
Your "friend" doesn't inform you ahead of time htat her brother is going to walk right into the house where you live? She does this after reaming you about paying more rent? And then laughs about her brother--a complete stranger--walking in on you in the bathroom?

What a jerk. I'd give her what for and high tale it oughtta there.

Ago

In my experience many people seem to lose their minds when faced with confrontation or disagreement, even when it's done in a non-confrontational or non-disagreeable fashion.

I can't remember who it was, said recently in a thread, she and her husband, when trying to communicate, would state their needs, and the other person would hear criticism.

In my experience, many people simply don't know how to have a disagreement without being incredibly disagreeable, their minds just shut off the moment you try to discuss something outside their comfort zone ie the moment they feel "criticized", which they do the moment you say "This situation made me _______" They hear something completely different, something they need to defend themselves against by any means possible, frequently by attacking you.

I, so far, have been unable to come up with a good, viable, working solution to this conundrum except, quite frankly limiting my friendships to sober alcoholics with long term sobriety that have worked the steps frequently.

So far, in my experience, these are the only people I have found as a rule that do that whole "fair fighting" thing, where they listen to what you have to say, reflect it, and either we end up agreeing to disagree or we end up compromising.

I have a complete and utter inability to deal with people who don't possess this skill set, and that failing is mine, and even after many many years of searching have come to no solution to that other then remove or set some pretty hard boundaries with people of this nature, and by set boundaries, I mean keep at such a distance their behavior can't affect me, the moment I give someone who doesn't have these abilities to navigate complex emotional difficulties power over me, such as living in their house etc. working for them, dating one of them, I am in DEEP trouble, or soon will be the next time we have a complex emotional situation to navigate.

If someone has an inability to "hear" me, or to allow we may be having a different experience, and that doesn't make either of us "wrong" or "bad" and just because I am feeling a negative emotion it doesn't mean they are "wrong" or "bad" and that we may even have two completely different experiences in the same situation, like, if they can't wrap their mind around that concept, I am wasting my valuable breath and valuable time.

If, at that moment, they have to "attack the attacker" and are unable to have a civil discussion about disagreeing and me stating my "needs" (such as privacy and respect in my own home) and perceptions, I need to see that and adjust myself and my situation accordingly, and the first thing I try to do is make it so this person has no power over me in any way, shape or form, or limit my contact to as little as possible, and just take steps to protect myself, such as installing those little chains or bolts on the inside of my door, so I could at least lock them when I was home.

Please see: going to Hardware stores for Bread

I am sorry I don't have more "solution" to offer, just my experience.

Bernadette

Hey Alice - you got lots of good insight here-- just wanted to say here in Boston I am hearing many stories of people getting better rents if they ask! Landlords are willing to negotiate a bit since the economy is so sluggish and they do not like having empty units. Boston is a historically very tight rental market - so if it's happening here it must be happening everywhere.

Good luck finding a new home!
peace-
b

justtakestime

Thinking of you today.

Freedom1990

I was thinking about your situation this morning, Alice, and those particular things I have quoted you in bold.

Sometimes God has a way of tapping me on the shoulder to either let me know it's time for change, or to quit dragging my feet on something.

I don't think it's any coincidence that you have indeed been looking, and you already have a visit set up to a place today.

Things will work out, I promise! :ghug2

covington

I agree with the above--feeling startled and uncertain is not fun when you are at home.

But you asked if being angry is OK. It sounds like your frustration with what's going on here is due to the lack of privacy and lack of consideration shown when you ask for privacy. Sounds like you tried being polite and asking for privacy, and the situation just isn't a great fit. I think you're handling it great--trying to be polite while you're looking for another place, and looking for another place that will suit you better.

But is it OK to be mad? Absolutely. If you didn't get frustrated enough to do something about it you'd just be accepting a situation that you don't like. Hope your cold quits soon *(tea and theraflu)* and things get more peaceful soon.

Gypsy Feet

I am renting a room from a friend I've known for 20+ years. I can't afford to pay what he was getting, so I help out around here. He is not in recovery, and responds to stress in the way that I use to, before I learned a better way.

Last month he found out one of his checks was going to bounce. He called out to me frantically "Lisa, I need ANY money you can scrape up". I calmly told him that I had paid him everything I could, and that we could go over the living arrangements again when I got off work if he felt it wasn't working.

He called me at work a few hours later and apologized, stating he knew I was paying what I could and that he would be fine.

I HATE feeling dependent on someone, and someone elses moods. I believe however, that I am in this house for a reason, and I have lessons to learn. Lessons about room mates, human nature, and being financially independent.

A few days later he and I sat down and did a house budget. He saw where my shopping and cooking was saving him what he would be getting in cash from someone else. He saw that he had about $400 left over each month for entertainment.

He proceeded to go out and drop $75-$100 every 4th night or so on sushi, bars, etc. He will be short on cash again this month, and we may have to do the whole thing again.

Maybe I am here to help him get his sh!t together haha.

What I do know, is that I am a thousand times more at peace and happier than I was before my escape, and my new room mate can be worked with.

I hope you find your room mate situation can be made good again, and that you continue to have a place to stay peacefully until you can move on
<3

mermaidgirl

Geez Alice...your feelings of did I say the right thing/do the right thing? Really seem like a holdover of codie behavior (even though I don't really like that term). Gosh I have put myself thru those paces and work on it every day...but the theme here seems to be boundaries. For those of us who are prone to codie behavior, it still feels strange at times to put on the boundary clothes and use them. Afterwards-we kind of wonder at what we are capable of. The reality is, you are simply taking care of yourself by placing those boundaries in the first place. You were respectful, your were sincere and it's just too bad that your roommate doesn't have the depth to respect others. I hope you find some new digs soon.