Bohn05

Yes my alcoholic financee is on a dating website while making plans for me to give up my job of 24 years and house and move down to Baltimore with him. Even denied emailing and talking to women until I figured out his password and saw the proof. He acts like he has a right to. He was just having some fun he told me. Well what about the people he is hurting--me and the women he is emailing. I told him he resembles a sociopath--no feelings and he got really mad. He told me I should not be such a "snoop dog" and if I was around more he would not have to do this? Can't believe that rationale even flies with him but apparently it does. Sometimes I think maybe alcoholics just do have these characters flaws and issues and we blame alcohol. He did cheat on his ex wife also and I guess he was an alcoholic at that point also??? I guess what I am saying is I am tired of blaming alcohol and myself for his character flaws--maybe he is just not a good person--alcohol or not???

Bernadette

I agree - don't just instantly blame alcohol.

I'm kinda surprised to see you are still referring to him as your "fiancee??" Are you still planning on a wonderful life with this guy who you know are seeing sociopathic traits in?

peace-
b

Freedom1990

Why are you still interacting with this man at all?

Ago

also confused as to why you would refer to someone with these qualities a fiancee

Learn2Live

He doesn't sound like a healthy or caring person to me. Having unhealthy and uncaring people in your life is not healthy for YOU.

I don't think it's a matter of being good or bad; that's up to his Higher Power to decide.

Jazzman

Lots of threads on this topic, safe to say many active addicts would score high on a sociopath characteristic test.

From wikipideia,
Antisocial personality disorder Diagnostic criteria

Three or more of the following are required:[1]
Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest;

Deceitfulness, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure;
Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead;
Irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults;
Reckless disregard for safety of self or others;

Consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations;

Lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another.

Here's an interesting exercise, same for codependent from wikipedia:

Symptoms

Symptoms of codependence may include controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, problems with intimacy, excessive caretaking, hypervigilance, or physical illness related to stress.[4] Codependence is often accompanied by clinical depression, as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of frustration or sadness over their inability to improve their situation.

tendency to place the needs and wants of others first and to the exclusion of acknowledging one's own

continued investment of self-esteem in the ability to control both oneself and others
anxiety and boundary distortions relating to intimacy and separation

difficulty expressing feelings

excessive worry how others may respond to one's feelings

undue fear of being hurt and/or rejected by others

self-esteem dependent on approval by others

tendency to ignore own values and attempt to adhere to the values of others

gerryP

I'm wondering why also Bohn and agree with others here that alcohol can't always be blamed. I wonder....if he would behave exactly the same way as he is now if he never picked up another sip of alcohol for the rest of his life. Hmmmm.....

You may very well have two problems with your man. One, he is an alcoholic and two, he is not mentally well.

intheknow

If I could figure out how to give you a standing ovation right now, I would. Holy cow. Hit the nail on the head.

kv816

A close friend emailed me a posting from a dating website once. Jokingly, she said the guy sounded like a perfect match for me (but he was all hers so I couldn't have him). I read the posting from top to bottom....several times. Something just didn't feel right about the guy to me (and I had that feeling BEFORE I read the line that said he just got married three weeks earlier). The guy just put a bad taste in the back of my throat.

Took a week for it to finally dawn on me that this guy in this personal ad......WAS my husband. In 6 years of marriage I knew of two dozen personals ads he set up, half a dozen girls he planned on meeting. I'm sure, once I gave up really giving a damn, he actually met with the other half dozen.

One time, about 4 years into our marriage, I actually responded to one of his ads. I wanted to see how far he'd really go. Claimed to be "Tina" and lived in a town he was working in at the time (about 100 miles from home). We emailed three times before "Tina" asked if he wanted to meet in person. The next night my husband told me that they were going to be working Saturday and instead of driving all the way back after work Friday night he was just going to stay in a hotel for the night. So Friday morning I got up, packed his lunch like I always did, printed out the email with which hotel and room number "Tina" was in, taped my wedding bands to it and put it in his lunch box.

He SWORE to me that it wasn't him. He'd NEVER do anything like that to me. All I could see while I was listening to him was a little stick figure cartoon character digging a hole with a shovel.

My (now) ex husband.....in 6 years of marriage.....I never ONCE saw him drink an alcoholic beverage. Never once.

Oh...and in case any wondered.... he came home Friday night, working Saturday was "suddenly" canceled.

Bohn05

Yes kv816 my point exactly--do have another problem here besides the alcohol which I think you just answered. He was caught in the act and still have no remorse-not sure if it is sociopath or just insecure and self centered.

Don't these people end up lonely?

True

I experienced something similar. After years of trying to figure it out while I was with him, and a few months of obsessing over it after the relationship ended, I realized the following:

A. I was never going to find the answers to my questions about him and was wasting my time trying. There were many "bad" labels I could tack to his forehead but it resolved nothing and had nothing to do with me.

B. The problem for me wasn't what he was doing, what labels fit him, how bad he was hurting me, how much he was to blame, and how he shifted it back on to me - the true problem for me was that I was allowing him to do this to me.

So I started to focus on this:

1. Why do I believe that I deserve this treatment?

2. What about me finds this behavior tolerable for one minute, much less even worth consideration of continuing the relationship?

3. What has caused me to think I can fix him or possibly change him to be something other than what his actions dictate him to be?

4. Why do I think I can't do better than this?

I then started a journey of self discovery to answer these questions. What in my past has led me to the behaviors and thinking that allows someone to treat me this way? How can I change? What can I do to improve my self confidence and my knowledge of healthy behaviors so that I foster love and respect from myself and others?

I have stacks of books on sociopathy, narcissism etc. I have read them all and it did not solve a thing or make me feel any better. That said, now I can see them a mile away . . . but it did nothing to resolve the wreckage in my life left behind by that type of person.

I hope you find answers that bring you peace.

True

kv816

I cannot answer that for you, none of us can. With my xh, that was his thing. Call it insecurity, call it low self esteem, call him a sex addict, call it whatever you want to! I spent YEARS trying to figure it out. What was I doing wrong, why other women and not me? Why? Why? Why?

It's like True said.....

I was never going to find the answers to my questions about him and was wasting my time trying. There were many "bad" labels I could tack to his forehead but it resolved nothing and had nothing to do with me.

And, also like True said, it doesn't matter WHAT (if anything) was wrong with him. It didn't and doesn't matter. What does matter is that I ALLOWED IT.

I cared that something was wrong, who wouldn't? We ARE human and things, even if they don't directly affect us, do bother and upset us. BUT just because we CARE about what's going on, doesn't mean it should put a stop to our needs--be them physical, emotional or mental.

MissFixit

Bohn,

Not to beat a dead horse, but why are you with this man?

Freedom1990

Whether those type of people end up lonely or not isn't what we're here for.

We are here to help you. What is it you want for your life?

What are you continuing to get out of interacting with him besides pain?

tryintosmile

All I can say is that I wish I'd heeded all of these same RED flags before I lost so much.

sailorjohn

Not my thoughts, but Toby Rice Drews makes the statement in her "Getting Them Sober" series-don't read anything into the title, it's a marketing ploy to draw codies in that works very well:

"It is also extremely difficult to even diagnose whether or not a person has a psychiatric illness in addition to alcoholism, if that person is still drinking. The alcohol-induced crazy behavior must be at least somewhat abated by sobriety, in order to correctly assess the patient. (Many people have been incorrectly diagnosed as 'mentally ill'-when in fact they have alcohol-induced behaviors that mimic mental illness.)"

Italics/boldface are mine.

Am inclined to agree with Toby, any way you choose to look at it, you're dealing with someone that's mentally ill, and apparently doesn't want to get better. So whether or not they're also a 'sociopath' is immaterial.

transformyself

Sounds like it. What a pig.
KV18-I want to have you by my side if I ever get into a tight spot.

Jadmack25

Frankly, he just sounds like a obnoxious and viscious little creep. And I also can't imagine what on earth a lass like you would be doing anywhere near him.

God bless

MeHandle

Alcoholics don't cheat, cheaters cheat. Being an alcoholic does not make one a cheater. It just compacts.... ( this is going to sound harsh- it is meant to help and be truthful )... how little he respects and cares for you beyond his wants. Cheated on you before and now he is on the computer searching. He is not content with you if he is searching dating sites or this is who he is going to be in marriage to have a little fun. And from what i read, then he blamed you for it. Do you believe that this is what a committed partner should be viewing as fun? If he was really "not having fun" becasue you were not around enough how should he have been communicationg that as a 'fiancee.'

Hmmmm... not a good person??? Let's put it this way instead...... He sucks as a fiance and i wouldn't even consider the risk of him as husband material. He is an alcoholic and a cheat and is carousing on internet dating and he is a blamer!!!!!!!!!! In this area that will involve your entire life as a 'happy married couple' he is not "good" , he is bad.

I have a question. I can see you are no youngin here,( one hint, 24 years at same job) so you have some years of wisdom and some life insight. Why are you 'fiance' to an alcoholic who is a cheat and looking presently? Why would you stay with someone another day whom you are not married too yet that you lean towards not being a 'good person'? If he sucks as a fiance what 'trust' would change in a marriage? Are you happy now, with him? In marriage are you willing to live and let live as far as alcohol and your marriage bed?

If a non alcoholic boyfriend cheated on you would you stay with him? The standard should go up with a fiance and then a husband. But the trust starts as a boyfriend. Has he produced the kind of history with you that makes for you being confident that you will be 'happy' as his wife? Or would you advice another woman to break everything off with him cause he has showed he is not "good" as a fiance?


love tammy

ElegantlyWasted

An alcoholic is by definition a sociopath or "insane" (in the vernacular of aa literature). Some instinctively or naturally return to normal when booz is removed; most need to do some work on themselves whether it is aa smart cbt or another program. My take is do what ever you can to protect yourself and not enable an active user by forgiving him unless you see actual concrete action on
his part, not just words. Best of luck, there is a lot of great support and advise here.