kv816

I've read a few posts about going no contact over the last couple of days and I have a question about it. I went no contact about a month ago when I took my dogs from his property (last thing of mine that was left after I moved out). Well, he called an attorney and now we are working out "custody" (how pathetic--only he can come up with more drama to keep me reeled in). I talked to an attorney and because this is a common property state apparently we still have numerous things to deal with, so it put a halt to my no contact. I'm okay with it, sort of. I mean we have had our share of good times and conversations over the years and many of our fights have been productive. It's the drunken, pointless rages that get at me most. Those are what I want to avoid.

Anyway. Someone responded in another thread to someone else that she should simply say I won't talk to you in this state of mind and hang up. My problem with that is that I really can't tell anymore when he's drinking and when he's not. I used to be able to. But the more I read about emotional and mental manipulation and withdrawal symptoms (the dry drunk) the more I realize I'm not sure what state of mind he's in....is he drinking? Is he dry? Is he just quacking? I can't tell anymore.

And when I say okay this conversation is on "this" topic and "this" topic only he gets angry and I just want to hang up. I say you can call me when you have the ability to discuss this without getting angry and he blows up--I'm not angry! Okay, you can call me when you can talk civilly without raising your voice--I'm not raising my voice!! Call me when you can do it without acting like a child--you're the one acting like a child! I even said I want to hear how you feel about "this". NOT how you feel about how I'm handling MY end of this or how you feel about me. It's not about you or me it's about THIS.

What he wants is for me to give is to him and his thoughts about the whole situation (I'm being foolish, I need to stop what I'm doing and just come home). But that won't happen. It's crossed my mind over the last six months but as big of a struggle as being on my own is I feel deep down I'm doing so much better than I would have been with him. I guess the struggles I face now are fixable (usually financial issues) where as the ones with him were reaccuring, just getting worse mental and emotional struggles. I don't want to go back to that.

Maybe I just need to ask my attorney if there is someone who can deal with this....a man in the middle kind of deal. Ha....I'm wanting xabf to stop acting like a child and I'm thinking the only way to do that is to play high school "go ask so and so if he'll go to the dance with me".

Duh.

Freedom1990

Next time he calls, tell him his attorney can talk to your attorney. End of story. *click*

Bernadette

I agree w/ Freedom. That's what an attorney is for. Just because you guys still have property to divvie up does not mean you HAVE to speak to him.

Your whole description of your conversations with him is INSANE!! Sounds exhausting! Why subject yourself to it? Doesn't seem to have any beneficial effect for you.

Stay strong!
peace,
b

kv816

It IS insane!! EVERY conversation is crazy! I wouldn't even call it a conversation. It's more I sit down and pretend to listen while he babbles on about lord knows what. I guess I was really hoping not to get screwed this time like I was with my first divorce. I got nothing, except my kids. Which was fine, really. I guess I recovered from that though...I think I've replaced everything that was replaceable and accepted knowing I am okay not having the ones that couldn't be replaced. I was looking at it like I'm not the one who did anything wrong by leaving and I shouldn't be punished for my decision to leave. Maybe it's greed. Maybe it's a desire to hit him where it hurts. I have to get off the 'payback' mode of thinking. It's not worth it.

GiveLove

KV,

Glad you're thinking through this insanity and coming up with some answers as to why you're still willing to engage.

When I let go and let my attorney handle all contact, all of a sudden I had time to really make my life great. And he did a better job of getting me what I wanted than all the phone arguments ever could.

Take care of yourself
GL

gerryP

If you didn't know you had common property to deal with, do you need whatever it is? If it's financial, make arrangements through the attorneys as everyone agrees, it's what they are retained to execute.

Good luck for a speedy resolution KV

There is no price on peace of mind

Cowgirl1265

The only caution I would have for every request going through your attorney is if you have financial issues, keep in mind that most attorneys charge you for those calls, usually billable at half hour per 15-20 minute call, and a half hour per call to you or letter written to you with details. When my ex was dealing with child support issues, he used to call his attorney with every little concern he had or call to complain every time his ex p*$$ed him off. The legal cost of lowering his child support from $150 a week to $125? $16,000!!

Even though he gets upset when you hang up on him or end the conversation, continuing to enforce your boundaries is the right thing to do. Perhaps resort to written correspondence if necessary, does he have email? Its so hard to detach sometimes and when you have to have continued contact its harder. We have children between us so we have to talk at least once a day if not more to coordinate schedules, discuss school and health issues...sometimes its like we're still together.

dothi

Food for thought: does it matter? Drunk or not, isn't disrespective, combative behavior still disrespective, combative behavior?

It sounds to me like he's still desperate to engage. He's throwing every verbal bit of manipulative "wit" out there to see if he really really can't pull you back in. If you choose to still take calls, then IMO you should start hanging up sooner. As soon as the, "no you're doing x" starts and flashbacks of preschool come barrelling back to mind, say your final boundary-piece (and DON'T stop even if he interrupts) and then hang up. Just because someone decides to have an outburst, that doesn't mean you're obligated to let them finish.

Trying2Fly

I wonder if you can set up a boundary where you choose not to engage in conversations with him if he is making you uncomfortable--regardless if he's drunk or a "dry drunk". Hand over the duty to the attorney; that's what you are paying an attorney for.

kv816

Dothi--You're right, it doesn't matter if he's drunk or dry. I was seeing it that I asked him not to call me when he's drinking. I expect an argument at some point in time with everyone in my life. And I have no problem with a clean, productive argument. I honestly believe they can be beneficial. 99% of the time his negative name calling behavior was done when he was drinking. So when I set up the boundary not to call when he was drinking that was why. I am okay with arguing so the struggle to know when he's drinking or not was more I'll fight with you dry but not drunk and I realize now that's stupid. You're right, combative behavior IS combative and I don't want that.

That's a good idea Trying but I think I like the idea of "just have your attorney call my attorney". I know where the conversation would go if I said something along the lines of "I'm not comfortable with 'this' anymore" and frankly I'm tired of always feeling guilty and he is the master of make you feel guilty.

Thanks guys. That really helped. It's just not worth it anymore. I know now that I can't fix him or his problems but I need to work harder and put more focus on believing that sometimes I can't solve all of MY problems either and need to put it in the hands of someone else--like my attorney.

transformyself

I'm just astonished on a daily basis here. I thought I was alone!
Amen Sister! Freedom!~