No contact-Am I crazy?-little long for me.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
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No contact-Am I crazy?-little long for me.
Been working the no-contact thing, the ex was cooperating fully.
Went to a very good Alanon meeting Thursday night, seems like I should probably be going two a week minimum, so now I've found meeting number two, great folks, and not feeling the least bit uncomfortable.
Pretty early this morning, maybe about a half-hour ago, still up, haven't been sleeping well, been having some difficulty getting back into everything.
An email, no subject, didn't look at it right away, opened it and read it.
Yeah, I know, shouldn't have.
Very well written on the whole, closing with 'good luck' and 'I love you'. I had avoided using those very loaded words with her in my last communications, figured it would be sending the wrong message, and besides, can't count the number of times I told her that. Not to mention the fact that love has to be an action, being in her life wasn't loving her.
'I am sorry for the fact that you seem to be convinced that I am no good. I am learning to be okay with it. I remember how my Sister was too.'
Which didn't make me angry, but I can't say it didn't bother me. Her sister, very sad, schizophrenic crack addict, was murdered and her body dumped on the side of the road.
I found out about this early on in the relationship, that mental image haunted me, still does.
But the whole thing got my sick mind thinking, could she be right? Is my mind that f****d up?
Or was this just another clever attempt to manipulate?
Of course, I have absolutely no intention of responding. Love is an action, after all. Thanks for being here guys!
Went to a very good Alanon meeting Thursday night, seems like I should probably be going two a week minimum, so now I've found meeting number two, great folks, and not feeling the least bit uncomfortable.
Pretty early this morning, maybe about a half-hour ago, still up, haven't been sleeping well, been having some difficulty getting back into everything.
An email, no subject, didn't look at it right away, opened it and read it.
Yeah, I know, shouldn't have.
Very well written on the whole, closing with 'good luck' and 'I love you'. I had avoided using those very loaded words with her in my last communications, figured it would be sending the wrong message, and besides, can't count the number of times I told her that. Not to mention the fact that love has to be an action, being in her life wasn't loving her.
'I am sorry for the fact that you seem to be convinced that I am no good. I am learning to be okay with it. I remember how my Sister was too.'
Which didn't make me angry, but I can't say it didn't bother me. Her sister, very sad, schizophrenic crack addict, was murdered and her body dumped on the side of the road.
I found out about this early on in the relationship, that mental image haunted me, still does.
But the whole thing got my sick mind thinking, could she be right? Is my mind that f****d up?
Or was this just another clever attempt to manipulate?
Of course, I have absolutely no intention of responding. Love is an action, after all. Thanks for being here guys!
Last edited by sailorjohn; 10-02-2009 at 12:01 AM.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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[QUOTE]Or was this just another clever attempt to manipulate?[/QUO
YEP. You got it.
No contact is best.
I think it is great you are now going to do 2 Al-Anon meetings a week!!!!! Good for you.
Love and hugs,
YEP. You got it.
No contact is best.
I think it is great you are now going to do 2 Al-Anon meetings a week!!!!! Good for you.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
It's tough, they are so good at knowing how to tug at our feelings...consciously or not, they have us dialed in. Got to go back to NC my friend. Sorry that you are having a hard time, but I TOTALLY relate to it. Hang in there.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
That statement is what it is…
And I am sure she feels “no good“, most addicts have little or no sense of self worth … Which is something that makes total sense with addiction, but then also makes total sense depending how we have reacted to them the times we were there while the addiction was raging.
We do tend to show quite clearly how their behavior effects us, our words saying one thing, our eyes and actions usually show something totally different.
This is a learning experience, so learn for you based on how that made you feel, not looking at what it meant to her … to them assign it as evil, manipulative, just another game…
It seems anyway the imagine of her sister haunts you. I can say similar images of friends no longer in this world due to their bottom being death could destroy me but then I don’t want to be ruled by fear, so I take those images and use them as a reminder to live in this life and not miss a damn thing especially time with those I care about!
I have found far down the line that what stuck out most was me thinking I knew something to come to find I knew nothing at all unless it was mine, what was in my head, my heart, my intentions were all I knew… everything else was speculation, assumption, an assignment of anything to make it work ok in my head…and in the early stages of working on me based on pain, fear, obsession….
inciting silence
And I am sure she feels “no good“, most addicts have little or no sense of self worth … Which is something that makes total sense with addiction, but then also makes total sense depending how we have reacted to them the times we were there while the addiction was raging.
We do tend to show quite clearly how their behavior effects us, our words saying one thing, our eyes and actions usually show something totally different.
This is a learning experience, so learn for you based on how that made you feel, not looking at what it meant to her … to them assign it as evil, manipulative, just another game…
It seems anyway the imagine of her sister haunts you. I can say similar images of friends no longer in this world due to their bottom being death could destroy me but then I don’t want to be ruled by fear, so I take those images and use them as a reminder to live in this life and not miss a damn thing especially time with those I care about!
I have found far down the line that what stuck out most was me thinking I knew something to come to find I knew nothing at all unless it was mine, what was in my head, my heart, my intentions were all I knew… everything else was speculation, assumption, an assignment of anything to make it work ok in my head…and in the early stages of working on me based on pain, fear, obsession….
inciting silence
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
emotional sobriety.....it is tampered with so easily for me. I guess that is why I finally get it that meetings, working the 12 steps, and boundaries are imperative fore me. I know that I would have done the same thing that you did in opening the email and I know that I would have felt the same tugging and questions. The "disease" in our minds is equally as insidious as any addiction.
I've always loved the saying that water seeks its own level. When I want a snapshot of where I "am" all I have to do is take a look at the fact that my make up led me into a relationship with an addict. People that don't have this (whatever the make up is that creates codies) recognize the signs earlier and leave.
So...that's the long way of saying that when I have a break in my emotional sobriety then that means that I need to go back to the drawing board. What is my part in it? Usually it's because I couldn't resist "going there" (otherwise known as boundaries).
Is there a way that you can send her communications to spam? I would need to set the situation up so that I wasn't tempted. Each time I falter it means another opportunity to put a firmer plan in place.
I've always loved the saying that water seeks its own level. When I want a snapshot of where I "am" all I have to do is take a look at the fact that my make up led me into a relationship with an addict. People that don't have this (whatever the make up is that creates codies) recognize the signs earlier and leave.
So...that's the long way of saying that when I have a break in my emotional sobriety then that means that I need to go back to the drawing board. What is my part in it? Usually it's because I couldn't resist "going there" (otherwise known as boundaries).
Is there a way that you can send her communications to spam? I would need to set the situation up so that I wasn't tempted. Each time I falter it means another opportunity to put a firmer plan in place.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Sailorjohn - My thoughts and prayers are with you.
You will get better and life will get better.
I'm in full NC mode and remind myself of the craziness and how much of that do I want back in my life - None.
This is your path, your set of footprints and your future - don't let anyone steal it!!
Take care.
You will get better and life will get better.
I'm in full NC mode and remind myself of the craziness and how much of that do I want back in my life - None.
This is your path, your set of footprints and your future - don't let anyone steal it!!
Take care.
We're all here walkin' the walk with you, SJ!Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Hey SJ,
I know why you didn't hit delete. I know why the email address is still available to her.
Even though you WANT to be done with it/her....
The heart kinda/ sorta, wants to HEAR that 'i love you'.
We can all sit here an say otherwise, but until you are DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE, a piece of you still wants to hear that.
It's going to be work to NOT want to hear those things/ and then more work NOT acting upon the manipulation.
ALL of us want a happy ending, and it pisses us off to not get one.
It hurts, it sucks. I feel your pain.
Just stay strong.
Love,
Cessy
I know why you didn't hit delete. I know why the email address is still available to her.
Even though you WANT to be done with it/her....
The heart kinda/ sorta, wants to HEAR that 'i love you'.
We can all sit here an say otherwise, but until you are DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE, a piece of you still wants to hear that.
It's going to be work to NOT want to hear those things/ and then more work NOT acting upon the manipulation.
ALL of us want a happy ending, and it pisses us off to not get one.
It hurts, it sucks. I feel your pain.
Just stay strong.
Love,
Cessy
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