I don't fit all the 13 Characteristics
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 14
I don't fit all the 13 Characteristics
When I read information on ACOA there are a lot of things that I can really relate to, but there is also a lot of things that I read and go "nope, not me at all". In some pieces of literature it seems like the authors are saying that you would have all these characteristics, and I don't. I don't know what that means. Finding out that some of the things I thought was 'wrong with me' is normal for the situation I grew up in, makes me feel so relieved. It is like I found out that I am not so different after all, that there are people who feel the same as I do. But when I read that an ACOA should have all these characteristics and there are some that I cannot relate to at all it makes me feel like an outsider again.
When I read the list of 13, there are some characteristics that I have that are very significant to how I am:
#8 - Over react to change which I have no control - I am always struggling to keep in control of the situations, when I don't have control it spooks me
#9 - Constantly seeking approval and affirmation - Oh yeah
# 10 - Feel different from other people - I don't ever remember not feeling this way
#11 - Super Responsible - Way too much so, borderline irrationally responsible
Some others I can relate to a bit, or at times, but not always, like #1, 2, 4, 5, 6 and 12.
#7 (difficulty with intimate relationships) I am not quite sure what this means, if someone could elaborate on this for me I would appreciate it.
Then there are some that are the complete opposite of how I am.
#3 - Lie when it is easier to tell the truth - not at all
#13 - Impulsive - Not at all, in fact being inpulsive is very difficult for me, I always consider all the possible consequences and outcomes
It is not so much the steps that I find I don't fit completely, but some of the things that it says I should have felt or experienced. I never felt unloved by my parents, just let down a lot. I knew they loved me, and were proud of me and in a way I think they were better parents than most. I hated my dad during most of my highschool years for the drinking, for the broken (forgotten) promises, for the fighting, for upsetting my mom... but he overcame his drinking and has been sober for 3 years, he helped all of us learn with him about his problem, our family is so much better now and I don't feel anger towards him anymore, in fact I am actually very proud of him.
I'm sorry that I am rambling on. Basically I just wanted to talk about this and see what you all think. Does the fact that I don't fit with all the characteristics make me any less of an ACOA?
When I read the list of 13, there are some characteristics that I have that are very significant to how I am:
#8 - Over react to change which I have no control - I am always struggling to keep in control of the situations, when I don't have control it spooks me
#9 - Constantly seeking approval and affirmation - Oh yeah
# 10 - Feel different from other people - I don't ever remember not feeling this way
#11 - Super Responsible - Way too much so, borderline irrationally responsible
Some others I can relate to a bit, or at times, but not always, like #1, 2, 4, 5, 6 and 12.
#7 (difficulty with intimate relationships) I am not quite sure what this means, if someone could elaborate on this for me I would appreciate it.
Then there are some that are the complete opposite of how I am.
#3 - Lie when it is easier to tell the truth - not at all
#13 - Impulsive - Not at all, in fact being inpulsive is very difficult for me, I always consider all the possible consequences and outcomes
It is not so much the steps that I find I don't fit completely, but some of the things that it says I should have felt or experienced. I never felt unloved by my parents, just let down a lot. I knew they loved me, and were proud of me and in a way I think they were better parents than most. I hated my dad during most of my highschool years for the drinking, for the broken (forgotten) promises, for the fighting, for upsetting my mom... but he overcame his drinking and has been sober for 3 years, he helped all of us learn with him about his problem, our family is so much better now and I don't feel anger towards him anymore, in fact I am actually very proud of him.
I'm sorry that I am rambling on. Basically I just wanted to talk about this and see what you all think. Does the fact that I don't fit with all the characteristics make me any less of an ACOA?
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Lonelygirl, Not at all. Everyone's situation is different and people were affected differently. Not every one of the characteristics pertains to me, but I'm definitely ACoA. It just depends on the different dynamics of your own household.
And please keep in mind, just b/c your dad is now sober and has been for 3 years doesn't mean that you didn't suffer any long-term affects having grown up in the house with him while he was drinking. It also doesn't mean you need to feel any anger toward him. He has a disease and he did the best he could. My dad has been sober 12 years and I'm very proud of him too. He is nothing like the man I grew up with.
In terms of #7, have you had successful relationships? A lot of people struggle with maintaining healthy relationships and tend to repeat the same patterns they grew up with. For instance, I married an addict. So obviously I fell into some relationship pattern that I observed growing up, without even realizing it. At the time, I just thought it was an unfortunate coincidence.
(I also thought I could handle and fix hubby's addiction, but that's another story! 
)
Anyway, don't focus too much on labels and trying to fit into some perfect ACoA box. Look at the areas in your life that you struggle with, and then look back in your life to see if these are issues that may be a result of your upbringing.
Take care and hugs,
JG
Does the fact that I don't fit with all the characteristics make me any less of an ACOA?
And please keep in mind, just b/c your dad is now sober and has been for 3 years doesn't mean that you didn't suffer any long-term affects having grown up in the house with him while he was drinking. It also doesn't mean you need to feel any anger toward him. He has a disease and he did the best he could. My dad has been sober 12 years and I'm very proud of him too. He is nothing like the man I grew up with.
In terms of #7, have you had successful relationships? A lot of people struggle with maintaining healthy relationships and tend to repeat the same patterns they grew up with. For instance, I married an addict. So obviously I fell into some relationship pattern that I observed growing up, without even realizing it. At the time, I just thought it was an unfortunate coincidence.
(I also thought I could handle and fix hubby's addiction, but that's another story! )Anyway, don't focus too much on labels and trying to fit into some perfect ACoA box. Look at the areas in your life that you struggle with, and then look back in your life to see if these are issues that may be a result of your upbringing.
Take care and hugs,
JG
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Hi,
We are all so different and are affected in degrees. Some alcoholic households are very violent and some sweep everything under the rug so it is the secrets that affect us. Some of our parents are so wrapped up in the problems they have little time for anything else and it is more indifference than lack of love. And some turn to their kids as emotional partners because they lack a partner in the alcoholic.
One thing that holds true in all cases is some level of dysfunction and that is what affects the way we view the world and the people in it.
Hugs,
JT
We are all so different and are affected in degrees. Some alcoholic households are very violent and some sweep everything under the rug so it is the secrets that affect us. Some of our parents are so wrapped up in the problems they have little time for anything else and it is more indifference than lack of love. And some turn to their kids as emotional partners because they lack a partner in the alcoholic.
One thing that holds true in all cases is some level of dysfunction and that is what affects the way we view the world and the people in it.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: sarnia ontario
Posts: 128
When I look at #11 and #13 they seem almost complete opposites to me. How can one be super responsible and impulsive at the same time? It just doesn't seem to fit.
And yet as stated, we don't have to answer yes to all of the things. The lying one confused me.
Took a few times going through the Alanon steps to get closer to the truth.
See, there is the truth that I came into the program with. The one that followed a set of beliefs that I had at that time. I, too, didn't believe my parents were 'that' bad and stuff. My mother was in the program and I was SO proud of her. But
As I look deeper at things I see things a little differently. I was angry with my Dad for not doing the things he said he was going to do--for having to wait for hours and hours for him to show up and stuff--for not being there when I so desperately needed approval and stuff--and yet with them both separated and Mom in the program it seemed almost sacriligious to look admit that.
Anger is still there though--underneath all of the explaining and the reasoning and all of the 'brain' work--the anger--the feeling--the belief that 'nothing I want, I really want emotionally, will really come true' is still there. I just couldn't feel it so much when I was first in the program.
Even now it comes out unexpectedly sometimes. I'm now like 37 years old and in yet another relationship with a wonderful guy and still at the core of my soul is this little whisper that 'he can't love me, I'm not good enough". And that causes so much heartache on my side. My relationships have always been rough. From physically and emotionally abusive to a really nice one that I wouldn't trust and so wrecked back to the ugly ones and all through the cycle again. Its got to end sometime and I know I can't do that alone. I need help.
At the momment, this dude I'm with is back at his home doing his own stuff. And I'm here, worrying about what if he's and what is he "really" doing and all of these doubts and they have NOTHING to do with him and EVERYTHING to do with me and how I grew up. Sooner or later this has to end and change. And I want it to be now.
Sorry, am rambling here. So often we look at meetings and help groups for what is different about us to the others and we focus on that as a way to keep us confused and 'out' of the group. What we really need to do is focus on how we are the same and go from there.
Wish you the best and hope I helped just a little
Taira
And yet as stated, we don't have to answer yes to all of the things. The lying one confused me.
Took a few times going through the Alanon steps to get closer to the truth.
See, there is the truth that I came into the program with. The one that followed a set of beliefs that I had at that time. I, too, didn't believe my parents were 'that' bad and stuff. My mother was in the program and I was SO proud of her. But
As I look deeper at things I see things a little differently. I was angry with my Dad for not doing the things he said he was going to do--for having to wait for hours and hours for him to show up and stuff--for not being there when I so desperately needed approval and stuff--and yet with them both separated and Mom in the program it seemed almost sacriligious to look admit that.
Anger is still there though--underneath all of the explaining and the reasoning and all of the 'brain' work--the anger--the feeling--the belief that 'nothing I want, I really want emotionally, will really come true' is still there. I just couldn't feel it so much when I was first in the program.
Even now it comes out unexpectedly sometimes. I'm now like 37 years old and in yet another relationship with a wonderful guy and still at the core of my soul is this little whisper that 'he can't love me, I'm not good enough". And that causes so much heartache on my side. My relationships have always been rough. From physically and emotionally abusive to a really nice one that I wouldn't trust and so wrecked back to the ugly ones and all through the cycle again. Its got to end sometime and I know I can't do that alone. I need help.
At the momment, this dude I'm with is back at his home doing his own stuff. And I'm here, worrying about what if he's and what is he "really" doing and all of these doubts and they have NOTHING to do with him and EVERYTHING to do with me and how I grew up. Sooner or later this has to end and change. And I want it to be now.
Sorry, am rambling here. So often we look at meetings and help groups for what is different about us to the others and we focus on that as a way to keep us confused and 'out' of the group. What we really need to do is focus on how we are the same and go from there.
Wish you the best and hope I helped just a little
Taira
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Taira,
So many people have the same feelings you are having and are not aware that it is "all about me". Your awareness is your key to getting beyond it.
Poor self esteem seems to run rampant in members of dysfunctional families. That, I think, is where that feeling of not being as part of comes from. That is where the feeling of not deserving love comes from and not having your wishes granted.
Way back early in my program something I learned to do was to live "as if". That is the only way I know of to change ingrained thoughts and behaviors. What was was....we can take control of shaping what will be.
Hugs,
JT
So many people have the same feelings you are having and are not aware that it is "all about me". Your awareness is your key to getting beyond it.
Poor self esteem seems to run rampant in members of dysfunctional families. That, I think, is where that feeling of not being as part of comes from. That is where the feeling of not deserving love comes from and not having your wishes granted.
Way back early in my program something I learned to do was to live "as if". That is the only way I know of to change ingrained thoughts and behaviors. What was was....we can take control of shaping what will be.
Hugs,
JT
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Originally posted by Taira
I'm now like 37 years old and in yet another relationship with a wonderful guy and still at the core of my soul is this little whisper that 'he can't love me, I'm not good enough". And that causes so much heartache on my side.
At the momment, this dude I'm with is back at his home doing his own stuff. And I'm here, worrying about what if he's and what is he "really" doing and all of these doubts and they have NOTHING to do with him and EVERYTHING to do with me and how I grew up. Sooner or later this has to end and change. And I want it to be now.
I'm now like 37 years old and in yet another relationship with a wonderful guy and still at the core of my soul is this little whisper that 'he can't love me, I'm not good enough". And that causes so much heartache on my side.
At the momment, this dude I'm with is back at his home doing his own stuff. And I'm here, worrying about what if he's and what is he "really" doing and all of these doubts and they have NOTHING to do with him and EVERYTHING to do with me and how I grew up. Sooner or later this has to end and change. And I want it to be now.
Anyway, just wanted you to know you're not alone. All I know to keep doing is try to accept what was, and keep working and moving forward to what can be.
Hugs,
JG
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