violet97

i'm not really sure what i'm doing. i think i just need to put this in writing for some reason. i have recently decided i have a problem with alcohol. never used to. i rarely drink myself, but i have gotten to the point where i can't handle anyone around me drinking. my husband has a real temper when he drinks- never hits, just says nasty stuff. now i'm at the point where if he has even one beer i find myself scared. but what's more, even if he hasn't had a drink, as soon as i notice he is in even a slightly bad mood, i find myself worried, to the point where i pick fights because i'm so anxious about getting in one. i feel like what i am saying is awful. hes not a bad person, will go out of his way to help people, he just has this switch that gets thrown and worries me. i'm just starting to come to grips with all this, i know i can't change him, just myself, and yes i am going to try going to an al-anon meeting tonight, but sometimes writting things down helps me. i'm not sure how to deal with this and am trying in my ways, but... even when he is being good, not drinking, i'm concerned about that switch. i don't know if it is all the alcohol controling him in one way or another, my family barely drinks, and i don't have much experience with people with addiction issues. oh well, don't know what else to say, just had to say it...

tjp613

Well, i think you're on the right path -- examining your life and defining for yourself what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Please remember that nobody deserves to be talked to in a disrespectful or derogatory manner and that the longer the abuse goes on, the more "normal" it seems. It is NOT normal, nor is it healthy for you in any way. Please also be aware that verbal abuse often escalates to physical abuse at some point as the abuser is constantly pushing the envelope to see what you will accept. You've already allowed emotional and verbal abuse so he sees that as being perfectly OK. Next he may try pushing or shoving you, then maybe slapping or punching. These are very real possibilities. Please make a safety plan just in case. If you have a women's center in your town you may consider giving them a call -- most have free counseling.

Keep posting and visiting here. We're glad to support you!

ElegantlyWasted

Not sure where you are with understanding the vocabulary of "recovery", but you seem to be rationalizing and therefore enabeling a destructve drinking pattern. Set up concrete boundaries, learn to detach. The anxiety you feel prior to him drinking can be fixed. Takes time and practice but can be done. Important to note... When changing ones behaviors ; people around us freak out and do their bestto manipulate us back to the way we used to behave. Educate yourself and get outside support. There is no easy button, but the rewards are great.

ElegantlyWasted

Also... Keep posting a lot of great people here with more experience than I have as it relates to your specific situation. Humbly on day 65 this time.

nodaybut2day

violet...I'm sort of right there with you, at this very moment.

violet97

i know i'm rationalizing things, i think more for my own sanity then anything else. as i said, i'm just starting to deal with this. unfortunately my reaction has been just get own with my own life as best i can. i can not control anyone elses drinking or anything else, all i can do is refuse to interact with him when he is drinking- this has been my way of dealing. yet i feel almost like i'm enabling him by just ignoring it. i have taken over most of the responsibilites in the house because he just doesn't do it for one reason or another, even if he hasn't had anything to drink, now i think that is enabling, by letting him get away with just doing what he wants. i'm really just confused and trying to deal and it is nice to have someone to talk to. thank you.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You will find lots of information and support here. You have described a home filled with eggshells. You have to be careful not to rock his world whether he is drinking or not, just to avoid an explosion. You my friend are living in fear.

His drinking/not drinking is controlling your life. Alanon will help you learn to take control of your own life, SR will help and self-help books like "Codependent No More" will also help.

Pull up a keyboard and make yourself at home. We're glad you are here!

justanothrdrunk

Ever since I sobered up I can't stand drunk people, even the mildly buzzed. So annoying... All I want to say to them is, "you have nothing to say and you're saying it too loud."

violet97

good way to put it. thats often what it seems like to me, and i might add too many times.

Bernadette

Hi Violet97--
yet i feel almost like i'm enabling him by just ignoring it

Yeah, I remember this feeling. It helped me to get real clear in my mind just exactly what enabling was. AlAnon helped me with this. I took guilty responsibility for practically anyone's behavior before I learned some stuff in recovery. So I would feel that way too - like if I ignore the drinking or don't point it out or don't show my constant displeasure then I must be enabling.

But really I had some blurry boundaries - I didn't know how to let people have the dignity of their own choices - good or bad, their own lives, how ever "wrong" I felt they were. I didn't know myself very well - and had poor boundaries of where I leave off and another person begins! All classic codie stuff.

Like I said- AlAnon helped me enormously with this- as did therapy and lots of reading and practicing what I was learning so that I really did change my behavior and my bad habits of mind.

welcome- glad you're here!
b