For those of you who wonder why you "can't leave"

Old 10-01-2009, 04:34 AM
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For those of you who wonder why you "can't leave"

Hi All,
First of all, I love posting here cause it keeps me accountable to myself (and I know how alot of you here also hold me accountable lol). Accountability is so important to me and my recovery. Now, on to my real reason for posting.
As many of you who have followed my journey here in the past three years know, I've been thru the ringer with my AH, and have stayed. Money was my main reason. I didn't want to lose my house, lose out on our retirement accounts, etc. Didn't want to sell the house in this market, blah blah blah ... Second was his bad health (alcoholic liver disease, a few serious hospitalizations, didn't want him to die alone).

When I first came here, AH was a functioning alcoholic, he worked, paid the bills, saved for retirement, was still a good husband and father. In the past three years, he has spiraled down to a pathetic shell of a man, who lost his job over a year ago (due to drunkeness), didn't work, drank 24/7 and did some insane things to me over the years. He went thru 3 rehabs in 2 years, and had some brief stints with sobriety (or should I just call it "abstinance"?). Each time, I was "fooled" into thinking that maybe, just maybe he "got it" this time. I thought I finally had my husband back.

Needless to say, three years later, he still has his health problems (but is still alive), spent most of his retirement money on beer and gambling, still doesn't work (rather drink instead) and last month we barely had enough money to pay our mortgage cause he decided to buy himself a new set of expensive golf clubs instead (says he "needed" them)! So of course, I am the sole provider to this family. When I took away his access to our account, he freaked. Said he is "sick" of me nagging him and trying to control him and how he spends the money (talk about insanity!!!!). Told me 3 weeks ago that he was "clearing out the rest of his IRA and leaving". Well, he did just that, took out the rest of that money and left. And guess what???? My life didn't fall apart. I was originally worried about the tax consequences on my end of him taking out that money, but have since consulted an attorney (who is also my friend), who told me I could file taxes separately and wouldn't be held responsible for HIS actions (boy, that was a relief!) Also, she drew up a schedule of all our assets and has prepared separation papers. Now it's only a matter of getting him to agree and sign, which I anticipate won't be an easy feat, but I'm up for it.

Needless to say, AH has been calling me for about a week now, several times a nite. What do I do? Originally, yes, I did talk to him. But when it turned to blame shifting/quacking, I decided to turn the ringer off and leave the answering machine w/the sound off so I don't even know anyone is calling. 20 messages in a night. I do, however, listen the next day, just in case it was someone important calling that I missed. AH's messages all say "I miss you, I want to come home". OK .... well, I got news for him, it ain't happening. It's amazing the clarity you get once they are out of your life. (Gotta admit tho, the first week or so was really rough for me). What about what "I" want? To him, "he" wants! "He" misses me! Does he really think I would fall for that????? Oh, yeah, I'm sure he misses me, but not cause he loves me. He "misses" his enabler! And to those of you who think "I don't enable my A", you know what? I never thought I did either. I didn't make excuses for him, didn't worry about his consequences, I did exactly what Alanon suggests we do for ourselves. But I still enabled him. Know how? Did he not have roof over his head, a bed to sleep in? Was there not food in the refrigerator if and when he decided he was hungry? Yes, I didn't do his laundry either, but there was laundry detergent here when he needed to do it, right? Little things like that, that we don't consider enabling, really is.

What do I "miss" about him? Let's see: do I "miss" him drinking 24/7 and keeping me up all night, every single night, when I have to go to work in the morning? Do I "miss" him creating messes in every single room in the house? Do I miss him "peeing" all over the bathroom floor on a constant basis to where I just had to put down a towel to collect it? Do I "miss" that he does absolutely nothing around here except for create chaos, talk non stop, repeat himself and spend all our money, money I work for? The list can go on and on ...

His new thing now is he wants to come back and he will go to rehab. Well, past actions are the best predictors of future behavior, and we have gone this route 3 times in the past two years and for what???? Brief glimpses of sobriety? What he really wants is to smooth things over. Get his comfy little life back, since I guess life is really not too good on his own right now.
Thing is, I am done. I don't want to do this dance anymore. I really kept making excuses for not leaving, and the very things that kept me with him (money, his health), I don't have anymore. He took the bulk of the money. OK. I'll survive. But the moral is ... it took me three years to get to this point, and in fact, I didn't leave him. He left me! And it's really OK, cause to me, God did something for me that I couldn't do for myself ... And in reality, I've been providing for me all along ... I just didn't give myself enough credit.

So in essence, I just wanted to let you all know, especially the newbies out there, that when you read and post on here, and wonder why you can't just leave like alot of others have, you can't worry about it. You will when you are ready. In fact, some of you may never be ready (like me) and your A may leave you. But when it does happen, it will happen at the time it is supposed to happen, not a minute sooner, and you will be "ready" for it. Your journey with your A will have prepared you for it, and you'll make it thru.

Hugs to all of you.
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Old 10-01-2009, 05:02 AM
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Originally Posted by queenteree View Post
And to those of you who think "I don't enable my A", you know what? I never thought I did either. I didn't make excuses for him, didn't worry about his consequences, I did exactly what Alanon suggests we do for ourselves. But I still enabled him. Know how? Did he not have roof over his head, a bed to sleep in? Was there not food in the refrigerator if and when he decided he was hungry? Yes, I didn't do his laundry either, but there was laundry detergent here when he needed to do it, right? Little things like that, that we don't consider enabling, really is.
Amen. There is a certain "after" clarity that I think helps us to see things differently.

Wonderful post.

CLMI
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Old 10-01-2009, 06:23 AM
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Thank you thank you thank you.

Your story is mine, throw in several affairs, foreclosure, and two little boys and it's the same recipe.
It's amazing the clarity you get once they are out of your life.
Thank you for encouraging the folks who can't leave their alcoholics yet.
Thank you for sharing your story so beautifully.
Thenk you for validating my journey.
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Old 10-01-2009, 06:42 AM
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Same story different characters all across this board.

My AW is a functioning A too. 6 years of dealing with it. Found out she had an affair with my best friend for six months. I had the fear too, what would I do without her? She makes about twice what I do. The same fears most of us have. I am 40+. Can I deal with being single after 16 years of marriage? What about the kids? Where will I live?

We tried to fix the marriage without fixing ourselves. Things were great for a while but then the lies and the drinking started again. She got a DUI and life sprialed down. A few emergency stays in the hospital. Arrested for public intoxication. Then on Labor Day she tried to kill herself.

She just got out of inpatient rehab and seems to be doing better now. More focused on healing. We are doing a 6 month separation and I told her no promises. She has hurt me enough in the past. We need to heal as individuals before the marriage can be addressed.

Tell him he needs to be whole before you will even talk to him. You are whole. You are at peace. Why in the world would you want that trainwreck in your life when things are good for you. Make him do the work. You are in a good place and deserve to be there.

Thanks for the words. I think too many of us fear the unknown. Having those who have walked the path we see before us show us that it can be walked and there is light at the end helps us all.
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Old 10-01-2009, 07:05 AM
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Thanks for this post. Like others have said - my story is so much the same. When you all share your experiences it really helps me keep a clear head.
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Old 10-01-2009, 09:14 AM
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[QUOTE=Lavash;2385714]Congrats on having the strength to face these demons.

There is no doubt my BF is an addict, but he's a very functioning addict who has anger issues and can/is verbally demeaning. He's also emotionally dead.
Not great qualities to have, but never had any of the other common traits of an addict.

He's been in recovery in AA for a yr and not had a drink and I lose sleep and cannot eating wondering how I why I'm going to leave him.
I don't even live with him.
Not saying one story is worse than the next, but seeing how low someone can get on the scale of addictions makes me realize my BF is not a nightmare like I thought.
(mayeb I'm in denial)

I too used to think my ExAH wasn't "all that bad" compared to others. I knew in my heart of hearts that I was in a very unhealthy situation, had been for over 20 years but kept thinking it will get better.

Know what it didn't. It got progressively worse and so did I. It only got better when I decided to do something about it, take responsibility for myself and my happiness.

Picture yourself in 5, 10, 15 or 20 years from now. Do you see yourself in this relationship? Is it any better? Are you?
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Old 10-01-2009, 01:17 PM
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Originally Posted by queenteree View Post
It's amazing the clarity you get once they are out of your life....

And in reality, I've been providing for me all along ... I just didn't give myself enough credit.
Those two comments jumped right out at me. I remember when you first came here and you are a different person today. Just goes to show that clarity is there for the grabbing as well as confidence in yourself. Queen you're an inspiration to others and proof that it DOES get better.
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Old 10-01-2009, 01:52 PM
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Originally Posted by queenteree View Post
Money was my main reason. I didn't want to lose my house, lose out on our retirement accounts, etc. Didn't want to sell the house in this market, blah blah blah ... Second was his bad health (alcoholic liver disease, a few serious hospitalizations, didn't want him to die alone).
I find it interesting sometimes that some of the things we are afraid of, when they actually happen? Not so bad. Like him spending the retirement money - you stayed because you didn't want to lose it but you ended up losing it anyway.

You sound like you are doing INCREDIBLY well and I am grateful for you sharing your story today.
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Old 10-01-2009, 05:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Lavash View Post
So there is no hope ever with any addict?
Lavash,
Not to say that there is no hope w/any addict, but what we must remember is, there is ALWAYS a possibility of a relapse, no matter how long an A has been in recovery. My STBXAH was sober and in recovery for 15 years straight, not one single relapse. He was a wonderful husband and father, and a very good provider. Then after 15 years, he thought he could "drink" like a "normal" person (mind you, this is a man who went to AA and seriously worked a program at one time). Once he relapsed, he has for 6 or 7 years straight, and he's much worse off than he had ever been. It's called progression, and I tell ya truthfully, if I had known all I know about alcoholism now, I would not have married him ... I was dumb, I thought his sobriety would last forever ...
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Old 10-01-2009, 07:00 PM
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So there is no hope ever with any addict?

There is always hope, Lavash.
But one cannot have expectations.
And Hope is not a plan.

I always find it best to ask myself about acceptance.
Can I accept this person just as they are? And do I want this ACTUAL just as they are person in my life? Or am I banking on potential & hoping that potential is realized? Or am I only accepting 1/2 this person- or the parts I like (the times interlaced with the insanity when he/she is sober or thoughtful or supportive?).

Queenteree- thank you for your post/update--continued strength and courage to you as you move forward!
peace-
b
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Old 10-02-2009, 01:13 AM
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I feel as if I'm repeating myself on my posts. But these last couple of weeks have been really hard for me. I have been sepaated from my AH since May 1st. He has been through 3 rehabs and some mental health admissions in the last 9 months. We lost our house and me and the kids got an apartment. We are doing GREAT!!!!! But when my AH found out that I had spoke to my attorney about divorce he became SUPER DAD/HUSBAND!! I know in my heart that it won't last long......but then I feel guilty that I'm not just opening my heart and letting him back in. I've told him that I love and care for him and I always will but that I'm not IN LOVE with him. I have moved on. He calls or comes over every night....says he's trying to do everything he can to make me fall in love with him again.......but I just don't know if that's possible. Then last night he kept calling and calling about stupid stuff. I finally turned the ringer off and do you know what he did???? At midnight he calls his 15 year old son and his 10 year old daughters phones!!!!! On a school night!!!! HOW RUDE !!!!!! All because I didn't answer so he could tell me goodnight!!!! UGH!!! He says I make him want to kill himself and that he has no one and he is lonely....blah blah blah..... How do I overcome the guilt???? And the feeling sorry for him!!! I was doing so much better when I didn't see or talk to him much!!!
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Old 10-02-2009, 06:11 AM
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Lavash there can be hope. Change comes from their ability to make change not your ability to force change on them.

My AW and I are taking a 6 month break in our relationship. She is out of inpatient and seems to have the clarity and focus to be healed. I told her we need time apart to heal ourselves first. After we heal as individuals we can address our relationship.

When I found out about her affair in April we tried to fix the relationship before fixing ourselves. That was our problem. Now we have a better focus. I told her there are no promises. She has destroyed my trust in her and if there is to be hope it starts with her. We may be good in time, we may not. For right now I am working on me and my being healthy and happy. It may mean she is in my life down the road, it may not.
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Old 10-02-2009, 05:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Zak68 View Post
For right now I am working on me and my being healthy and happy. It may mean she is in my life down the road, it may not.
Thank you, Zak. I needed to hear this today. I have been sitting here for the last two days wondering what to do when AH comes back from rehab. Wondering what I really want, what I need.

Reality is that not enough time has passed yet - he just left for rehab on sunday. I don't need to make any decisions by the time he gets back, nor do I need to put a timeline on any decision at all.

What do I need to do??? Pretty simple. Take care of me.
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Old 10-02-2009, 05:26 PM
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I had to learn to put "hope" in it's proper place. Like I hope I win the lottery, but I'm not quitting my job and buying a yacht, lol. Someone here once posted that hope is like a nice trinket. It mostly sits on a shelf looking pretty. Sometimes you take it down and admire it, but then you put it back and get on with your life.

L
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Old 10-02-2009, 05:36 PM
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I would be celebrating my 20th anniversary next February. A friend asked me yesterday if I want the next 20 years to be just like the last 20 years.

I spent all nite with very little sleep thinking about just that question.
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Old 10-02-2009, 05:47 PM
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Dr. Phil says the only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for 10 years is being in a bad relationship for 10 years and one day.......

L
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Old 10-02-2009, 06:27 PM
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Thank you for that. I don't understand it either.
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Old 10-02-2009, 06:44 PM
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Great post Queen. Ditto for me as far as same story, different characters. Really makes me think. And make me realize things CAN be okay. Thanks!
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