I Don't Really Care Anymore ...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
I Don't Really Care Anymore ...
Haven't posted here for a long time but feel the need tonight. He has FINALLY decided to quit drinking - his way - by just quitting. No work on himself. I have to walk on eggshells, in case I trigger him into taking a drink. I'm supposed to be nice, wait on him when he wants something, and just basically be an agreeable zombie.
I'M ANGRY!!! He was supposed to go into rehab. We went to the hospital and they had a spot for him but he didn't call them back. He was supposed to learn the 12 steps and how to 'let go and let god' etc.
Truth be told, I've wanted to get away from this guy for as long as I can remember. Sober or not - I can't erase the memories. He's said the nastiest things to me that anyone has ever said to me. He's lied and cheated on me. I have no interest in even touching him at all. The only reason we're still together is because I couldn't take care of the huge responsibility of owning and running our duplex, or getting it ready to sell.
I'm on disability and most days am in pain. I do what I can when I'm not. He calls me every name in the book. Lazy, stupid, etc., whenever things don't go EXACTLY HIS WAY.
Even though I'd LOVE for him to stay sober and take care of his end of things and get this house sold so we could get apart, I just don't know how much longer I should have to go through this. I'm supposed to be the supportive spouse, who will walk on eggshells (just in a different way from when he's drunk - but they're still eggshells) until he decides he's ready to do whatever - and then I can pick up the pieces of my shellshocked life, because he'll no longer need my enabling - disability and all - and move on ... but to where and what? Of course that scares me, but I dream about a peaceful existence - if that's possible.
I've said this before but I used to be a happy, productive person until I met him. I know blame doesn't get you anywhere, but I feel SO much blame and anger - which he continues to trigger, and I sometimes get that feeling as though I'm going to die before I get through to the other side.
When I was mad, I used to blame it on the alcohol, but my anger seems to be compounded, now that he is sober and I don't understand why. Perhaps because he sees it that he is just quitting the actual drinking part, but nothing to do with his disposition. He's just quieter, which is nice, but it's no picnic - either way. He's not a nice person and NO - I don't want to live with him for the rest of my life (although when he's been drunk, he was always making our plans to go live in some remote area).
What does one do when they have neither the strength, energy - both physical and mental, or even care enough anymore to find their way out of this maze? I went to abuse counselling for 2 years and went through an abuse program, but I haven't gone to Al-Anon. I suppose I still should, but I think to myself that it's for people who WANT the relationship to work out. I don't. I just can't feel any love for someone who has put me through the ringer, and will likely never know the damage they've done. He's always blamed me for his drinking and he'll likely blame me if he goes back to it. I know I'm supposed to be supportive, until he gets out of this, but I keep questioning why it's still about HIM. Now he expects that he should be more special than ever. It kinda (really) makes me feel like puking!
Anyway - thanks for listening - just had to get this out!
I'M ANGRY!!! He was supposed to go into rehab. We went to the hospital and they had a spot for him but he didn't call them back. He was supposed to learn the 12 steps and how to 'let go and let god' etc.
Truth be told, I've wanted to get away from this guy for as long as I can remember. Sober or not - I can't erase the memories. He's said the nastiest things to me that anyone has ever said to me. He's lied and cheated on me. I have no interest in even touching him at all. The only reason we're still together is because I couldn't take care of the huge responsibility of owning and running our duplex, or getting it ready to sell.
I'm on disability and most days am in pain. I do what I can when I'm not. He calls me every name in the book. Lazy, stupid, etc., whenever things don't go EXACTLY HIS WAY.
Even though I'd LOVE for him to stay sober and take care of his end of things and get this house sold so we could get apart, I just don't know how much longer I should have to go through this. I'm supposed to be the supportive spouse, who will walk on eggshells (just in a different way from when he's drunk - but they're still eggshells) until he decides he's ready to do whatever - and then I can pick up the pieces of my shellshocked life, because he'll no longer need my enabling - disability and all - and move on ... but to where and what? Of course that scares me, but I dream about a peaceful existence - if that's possible.
I've said this before but I used to be a happy, productive person until I met him. I know blame doesn't get you anywhere, but I feel SO much blame and anger - which he continues to trigger, and I sometimes get that feeling as though I'm going to die before I get through to the other side.
When I was mad, I used to blame it on the alcohol, but my anger seems to be compounded, now that he is sober and I don't understand why. Perhaps because he sees it that he is just quitting the actual drinking part, but nothing to do with his disposition. He's just quieter, which is nice, but it's no picnic - either way. He's not a nice person and NO - I don't want to live with him for the rest of my life (although when he's been drunk, he was always making our plans to go live in some remote area).
What does one do when they have neither the strength, energy - both physical and mental, or even care enough anymore to find their way out of this maze? I went to abuse counselling for 2 years and went through an abuse program, but I haven't gone to Al-Anon. I suppose I still should, but I think to myself that it's for people who WANT the relationship to work out. I don't. I just can't feel any love for someone who has put me through the ringer, and will likely never know the damage they've done. He's always blamed me for his drinking and he'll likely blame me if he goes back to it. I know I'm supposed to be supportive, until he gets out of this, but I keep questioning why it's still about HIM. Now he expects that he should be more special than ever. It kinda (really) makes me feel like puking!
Anyway - thanks for listening - just had to get this out!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Tryintosmile, is there somewhere you can go to get away from this abusive man? Are financial issues holding you back? It sounds like you really want out of the hell of living with him. What resources do you have?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome back!
I went to one Alanon meeting, came home and told my AH that I was leaving. I kept going back to Alanon. Alanon is for anyone that is friend or family of an alcoholic, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. I wasn't sure I still belonged in Alanon since I knew I was leaving my alcoholic. I confided to someone after a meeting and she did not give me any advice but this: Try 6 meetings and decide if Alanon is for you.
It's for me! It helped me find myself. It helps me love myself. It helps me in my personal relationships and my professional relationships. I recommend Alanon and SR!
About your eggshells: WHY?
I have to walk on eggshells, in case I trigger him into taking a drink.
You can't make him drink. You're not that powerful. You did not cause his alcoholism, you can't control his alcoholism and you won't cure his alcoholism. The only person that controls his alcoholism is HIM.
You've accepted his put downs for too long. Please read and post here as much as needed. Your life is important too!
I went to one Alanon meeting, came home and told my AH that I was leaving. I kept going back to Alanon. Alanon is for anyone that is friend or family of an alcoholic, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. I wasn't sure I still belonged in Alanon since I knew I was leaving my alcoholic. I confided to someone after a meeting and she did not give me any advice but this: Try 6 meetings and decide if Alanon is for you.
It's for me! It helped me find myself. It helps me love myself. It helps me in my personal relationships and my professional relationships. I recommend Alanon and SR!
About your eggshells: WHY?
I have to walk on eggshells, in case I trigger him into taking a drink.
You can't make him drink. You're not that powerful. You did not cause his alcoholism, you can't control his alcoholism and you won't cure his alcoholism. The only person that controls his alcoholism is HIM.
You've accepted his put downs for too long. Please read and post here as much as needed. Your life is important too!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
but I think to myself that it's for people who WANT the relationship to work out.
I was on the fence about whether I wanted to stay with my XABF. When I started my own recovery, I still wondered. Later, I realized that I wanted out. The Al-Anon principles and the people here at SR helped me cope until I could find a way out. It could help you do the same.
These feelings that you have are what his addiction, dry or otherwise, wants you to have. Al-Anon, reaching out here, individual therapy, and other support sources are going to give you back that emotional and spiritual strenth you need. Once you begin to focus on you and your path to health, you may find more physical strength than you thought you had. Living daily with the affects of someone's addiction, especially someone as verbally abusive as your husband, takes a physical toll on the body and can truly magnifiy physical ailments. I brought on many of my own physical disabilities coping with the stress in the wrong ways.
Don't wander away, stay and keep posting. Get to that Al-Anon meeting. Reach out. The only to get out of a hole sometimes is to reach your hand skyward. Let those who've made it out lend a hand down to you.
If you want out, you can do it. I've done it. Others here have done it.
Hang in there. My thoughts are with you.
Alice
I was on the fence about whether I wanted to stay with my XABF. When I started my own recovery, I still wondered. Later, I realized that I wanted out. The Al-Anon principles and the people here at SR helped me cope until I could find a way out. It could help you do the same.
These feelings that you have are what his addiction, dry or otherwise, wants you to have. Al-Anon, reaching out here, individual therapy, and other support sources are going to give you back that emotional and spiritual strenth you need. Once you begin to focus on you and your path to health, you may find more physical strength than you thought you had. Living daily with the affects of someone's addiction, especially someone as verbally abusive as your husband, takes a physical toll on the body and can truly magnifiy physical ailments. I brought on many of my own physical disabilities coping with the stress in the wrong ways.
Don't wander away, stay and keep posting. Get to that Al-Anon meeting. Reach out. The only to get out of a hole sometimes is to reach your hand skyward. Let those who've made it out lend a hand down to you.
If you want out, you can do it. I've done it. Others here have done it.
Hang in there. My thoughts are with you.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
For me Alanon is for wanting a relationship with YOURSELF first, and learning how to have it. You can learn ways of coping if you want to stay with an A, or get the tools to work on yourself to heal and get away from the mad life you are in.
Where you are isn't important, it's where you want to go that is.
Whether you decide to stay or go, learning who you are and becoming the person you were meant to be, is something wonderful.
Give it a try, after all you sure have nothing to lose and could gain YOU back.
God bless
Where you are isn't important, it's where you want to go that is.
Whether you decide to stay or go, learning who you are and becoming the person you were meant to be, is something wonderful.
Give it a try, after all you sure have nothing to lose and could gain YOU back.
God bless
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
(((TTS))) I'm sorry to hear that you feel the need to be this man's hostage. It makes me very sad to hear that you seem to believe this is your only option.
Al-Anon is not just for people who are interested in staying with their A partners. The current A in my world is my future step son, and I have found Al-Anon very helpful!
You are the only one who will be able to change your life to your benefit......I hope and pray that things will improve for you very soon!
Hugs and prayers, HG
Al-Anon is not just for people who are interested in staying with their A partners. The current A in my world is my future step son, and I have found Al-Anon very helpful!
You are the only one who will be able to change your life to your benefit......I hope and pray that things will improve for you very soon!
Hugs and prayers, HG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Thank you so much!!!
It's such a lonely place to be - trapped in the alcoholic's world. I'm not sure all alcoholics are emotionally and verbally abusive, but when they are, it's the icing on this poisonous cake! I do tend to keep it all inside, because I'm so ill and still have trouble accepting that his 'disease' could have caused mine (even though in my heart of hearts I KNOW that this was the beginning). Since the mind is the most powerful tool in the body, I know that it has more ability to make you sick or well than any other part of your being. All of my symptoms are very physical, yet I know that I would not be in so much physical pain if my mind were healthy.
Anyway - it felt SO good to write what I did here. I actually had a good sleep, which is rare, and woke up to find some kind responses, which actually made me feel even better. So, I DO have to remember that I'm not alone in this and 'bottle' everything up inside.
I really may still reconsider Al-Anon, even though I'm at least 10 years too late! I could have gained some better insight years ago, when I didn't feel it was too late. I've lost so much now, but I do know it's better late than never. It's good not to feel so alone. Thanks again!
Anyway - it felt SO good to write what I did here. I actually had a good sleep, which is rare, and woke up to find some kind responses, which actually made me feel even better. So, I DO have to remember that I'm not alone in this and 'bottle' everything up inside.
I really may still reconsider Al-Anon, even though I'm at least 10 years too late! I could have gained some better insight years ago, when I didn't feel it was too late. I've lost so much now, but I do know it's better late than never. It's good not to feel so alone. Thanks again!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Tryingtosmile, it's never too late! I was urged to go to Al Anon 3 years ago, and I didn't. We won't until we're ready. I finally went one year ago and thought what an idiot I'd been that I'd wasted so much time when I could have been so much closer to peace and recovery. But please don't think of it this way. I think we all have to get to our own bottom before we are ready to recover, just like the A. We can forgive ourselves for our past wrongs and move forward from this point.
You can heal. Al Anon can help. Many in my group are no longer with their partners. I happen to be, but it can change. Point is, Al Anon is for me. It's like free therapy. Those in the rooms understand, have been there, done that, and give me comfort of feeling that someone empathizes and understands my journey. It gives me a sense of belonging, and the stories I hear give me hope and strength to tackle my demons and challenges. I've been there a year, and would never part with it, even though I could part with my spouse if that's what it came to.
I went finally because I felt that I had done everything and I was at the end of my wits. Given your situation it seems you really have nothing to lose to try going. You will learn that you have options. My best to you.
You can heal. Al Anon can help. Many in my group are no longer with their partners. I happen to be, but it can change. Point is, Al Anon is for me. It's like free therapy. Those in the rooms understand, have been there, done that, and give me comfort of feeling that someone empathizes and understands my journey. It gives me a sense of belonging, and the stories I hear give me hope and strength to tackle my demons and challenges. I've been there a year, and would never part with it, even though I could part with my spouse if that's what it came to.
I went finally because I felt that I had done everything and I was at the end of my wits. Given your situation it seems you really have nothing to lose to try going. You will learn that you have options. My best to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
Just remember this. He may want to drink but he is not really going through the motions. He is doing it halfa$$ed.
You cannot make him drink. He will find a reason to drink and do it and most likely blame someone/something other than himself. Until he gives himself up and gets serious help he will always be at risk.
Have faith. You are strong. You can do this. Most of all you don't need this in your life. You deserve to be happy.
You cannot make him drink. He will find a reason to drink and do it and most likely blame someone/something other than himself. Until he gives himself up and gets serious help he will always be at risk.
Have faith. You are strong. You can do this. Most of all you don't need this in your life. You deserve to be happy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hi. You are in such a painful place. I am new at Al-Anon. I think it is helpful regardless of if you stay or go.
On the house sale. You should speak with some Realtors. If you are unable to manage the details of getting it ready to sell, many Realtor's have options to help with that. It would reduce the profit (it would probably cost some $$) but at least you'd know all your options.
On the house sale. You should speak with some Realtors. If you are unable to manage the details of getting it ready to sell, many Realtor's have options to help with that. It would reduce the profit (it would probably cost some $$) but at least you'd know all your options.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
tryintosmile,
There are a lot of homes selling right now in the lower price ranges because of the first time homeowner tax credit. My realtor is listing properties that are NOT fixed up, not showroom perfect, and they are selling.
Don't lose hope. Get help....get a realtor to come over and talk to you. Research resources for people on disability (housing assistance, etc.) Wouldn't it be great to have a nice, sunny, private little place that was your own private sanctuary, far from this nastiness?
You can escape this if you want to...lots of us have, with far fewer resources than you have.
There are a lot of homes selling right now in the lower price ranges because of the first time homeowner tax credit. My realtor is listing properties that are NOT fixed up, not showroom perfect, and they are selling.
Don't lose hope. Get help....get a realtor to come over and talk to you. Research resources for people on disability (housing assistance, etc.) Wouldn't it be great to have a nice, sunny, private little place that was your own private sanctuary, far from this nastiness?
You can escape this if you want to...lots of us have, with far fewer resources than you have.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
So glad to hear you slept well. Maybe that payoff from posting and reaching out will encourage you to do more of the same. Try Al-Anon, try talking to a realtor, try just thinking new and positive thoughts for the day that remind you that you are worth more, that your Higher Power who or whatever that may be loves you and wants only the best for you, and that you are not alone in the universe. I am here, others are here, and we all care what happens to you.
Try anything at all that works to bring you closer to peace and a happy life and far away from this dismal addiction.
Best to you!
Alice
Try anything at all that works to bring you closer to peace and a happy life and far away from this dismal addiction.
Best to you!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi tryingtosmile--
I have to walk on eggshells, in case I trigger him into taking a drink.
I'm beggin' ya to say this out loud and say it proud:
I didn't Cause it!
I can't Control it!
I can't Cure it!
Believe it tryingtosmile.
I hear a lot of "supposed tos" in your post:
He was supposed to go into rehab.
He was supposed to learn the 12 steps and how to 'let go and let god' etc.
I just don't know how much longer I should have to go through this. I'm supposed to be the supportive spouse, who will walk on eggshells
I know I'm supposed to be supportive, until he gets out of this, but I keep questioning why it's still about HIM.
When I am in "supposed to" mode it usually means there is something I am refusing to accept, and probably something I am building up a nice big fat resentment about! Once I accept things and people (esp. myself) exactly as they are, then I can make a real plan for how I plan to deal with the reality. It's never been easy for me, acceptance. But when I refuse to accept something that is REAL then I stay stuck and get depressed.
Also let yourself think differently - who says you "should" be supportive of someone who has said the meanest things to you ever??? You set your own standards in this life tryingtosmile - maybe spend some time thinking about what you WANT in your life instead of how things "should" be or roles you think you "should" be playing. Break free of your own mentally imposed rigid ideas!!
What does one do when they have neither the strength, energy - both physical and mental, or even care enough anymore to find their way out of this maze?
Reach out for help! Like you have here. And yeah, AlAnon is a great idea. I found all manner of people in AlAnon- those who stayed with their A's, those who left, those who were children of A's, siblings of A's, friends etc. So you get to be yourself and make your own decisions about how to apply the tools of recovery.
Keep seeking help and accepting it when it comes!
You actually do have the power to change your stituation, it may take baby steps at first, but as the saying goes: The journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step!
The past is gone tryingtosmile- you are free in THIS moment!
peace-
b
I have to walk on eggshells, in case I trigger him into taking a drink.
I'm beggin' ya to say this out loud and say it proud:
I didn't Cause it!
I can't Control it!
I can't Cure it!
Believe it tryingtosmile.
I hear a lot of "supposed tos" in your post:
He was supposed to go into rehab.
He was supposed to learn the 12 steps and how to 'let go and let god' etc.
I just don't know how much longer I should have to go through this. I'm supposed to be the supportive spouse, who will walk on eggshells
I know I'm supposed to be supportive, until he gets out of this, but I keep questioning why it's still about HIM.
When I am in "supposed to" mode it usually means there is something I am refusing to accept, and probably something I am building up a nice big fat resentment about! Once I accept things and people (esp. myself) exactly as they are, then I can make a real plan for how I plan to deal with the reality. It's never been easy for me, acceptance. But when I refuse to accept something that is REAL then I stay stuck and get depressed.
Also let yourself think differently - who says you "should" be supportive of someone who has said the meanest things to you ever??? You set your own standards in this life tryingtosmile - maybe spend some time thinking about what you WANT in your life instead of how things "should" be or roles you think you "should" be playing. Break free of your own mentally imposed rigid ideas!!
What does one do when they have neither the strength, energy - both physical and mental, or even care enough anymore to find their way out of this maze?
Reach out for help! Like you have here. And yeah, AlAnon is a great idea. I found all manner of people in AlAnon- those who stayed with their A's, those who left, those who were children of A's, siblings of A's, friends etc. So you get to be yourself and make your own decisions about how to apply the tools of recovery.
Keep seeking help and accepting it when it comes!
You actually do have the power to change your stituation, it may take baby steps at first, but as the saying goes: The journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step!
The past is gone tryingtosmile- you are free in THIS moment!
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
First off, many hugs. I am so sorry for all the pain you are in and the abuse you are suffering at the hands of this man.
You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to put yourself first. Try Al Anon. You are worth it.
You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to put yourself first. Try Al Anon. You are worth it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 212
Again - thank you!
Thanks to all of you for your tremendous insight. It helps SO much when others actually understand. My stepfather was an alcoholic and I swore to myself that I'd NEVER be involved with one. How DID that happen? I know I MUST go to Al-Anon! It's unanimous across the board!
Thanks to Bernadette, for pointing out to me that 'I'm supposed' to do these things. Yes - the A created a whole 'rulebook' for me on everything I was doing 'wrong' and I'm extremely resentful that he continuously barks orders from his chair - turn off that light, do this - do that. After all, he works all day while I do nothing (which isn't the truth at all, because I have to take care of all the paperwork, make all the financial decisions, etc.) He wants his 'surroundings' to be 'just so' and I'm expected to adhere to them OR stand up for myself and get into a bitter argument, where he ends up telling me that I'm 'always' starting the fights. If I did what he'd asked (more like commanded) there wouldn't be a problem. If I say, I'm in pain and can't clean the house to his specifications every day, then he says 'oh you're always in pain' and I say - 'yes I am - that's why I'm on disability - not so I can stay home and be your housekeeper!' If I do something once a year, or once a week, I ALWAYS do it! As soon as I get up from my chair - he has an order for me. It drives me absolutely insane and ruins all of my thought processes. I drop and spill things. I trip and fall. And yes - I'm angry that 'I'm not allowed' my free will without it constantly being interrupted.
I've learned that there are many more ways of being abusive, besides physical violence, and I think this man has 'exercised' most all of them! I find myself being thankful for the ones he doesn't. I guess that's pretty sick!
Thanks to Bernadette, for pointing out to me that 'I'm supposed' to do these things. Yes - the A created a whole 'rulebook' for me on everything I was doing 'wrong' and I'm extremely resentful that he continuously barks orders from his chair - turn off that light, do this - do that. After all, he works all day while I do nothing (which isn't the truth at all, because I have to take care of all the paperwork, make all the financial decisions, etc.) He wants his 'surroundings' to be 'just so' and I'm expected to adhere to them OR stand up for myself and get into a bitter argument, where he ends up telling me that I'm 'always' starting the fights. If I did what he'd asked (more like commanded) there wouldn't be a problem. If I say, I'm in pain and can't clean the house to his specifications every day, then he says 'oh you're always in pain' and I say - 'yes I am - that's why I'm on disability - not so I can stay home and be your housekeeper!' If I do something once a year, or once a week, I ALWAYS do it! As soon as I get up from my chair - he has an order for me. It drives me absolutely insane and ruins all of my thought processes. I drop and spill things. I trip and fall. And yes - I'm angry that 'I'm not allowed' my free will without it constantly being interrupted.
I've learned that there are many more ways of being abusive, besides physical violence, and I think this man has 'exercised' most all of them! I find myself being thankful for the ones he doesn't. I guess that's pretty sick!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
tryintosmile,
I've felt the way you feel. I've lived with the King of the Castle, too! His way or the highway, right? I finally realized that the highway wasn't a bad option!
One day I woke up and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I re-read some of my journals and could see the cycle that kept repeating itself. Before I discovered Alanon, I began to recognize the unhealthy pattern. He was King of the Castle everyday, but the children and I certainly weren't living like royalty. I was not a queen! We were more like servants living on eggshells.
One day I decided that:
His happiness was not more important than ours.
His comfort was not more important than ours.
His life was not more important than ours.
Eventually I found my way to "Codependent No More" and later Alanon. I learned that I was not responsible for his happiness, his comfort and his life. I also learned that his decisions were not better than mine. I could make healthy decisions for myself and my children!
Your eyes are beginning to open to your reality. Don't get overwhelmed. Be gentle with yourself. Your relationship did not become one-sided overnight, and it will take time to bring about balance in your life. We're here to support you!
Peace and hugs!
I've felt the way you feel. I've lived with the King of the Castle, too! His way or the highway, right? I finally realized that the highway wasn't a bad option!
One day I woke up and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I re-read some of my journals and could see the cycle that kept repeating itself. Before I discovered Alanon, I began to recognize the unhealthy pattern. He was King of the Castle everyday, but the children and I certainly weren't living like royalty. I was not a queen! We were more like servants living on eggshells.
One day I decided that:
His happiness was not more important than ours.
His comfort was not more important than ours.
His life was not more important than ours.
Eventually I found my way to "Codependent No More" and later Alanon. I learned that I was not responsible for his happiness, his comfort and his life. I also learned that his decisions were not better than mine. I could make healthy decisions for myself and my children!
Your eyes are beginning to open to your reality. Don't get overwhelmed. Be gentle with yourself. Your relationship did not become one-sided overnight, and it will take time to bring about balance in your life. We're here to support you!
Peace and hugs!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice 
Reach out. The only to get out of a hole sometimes is to reach your hand skyward. Let those who've made it out lend a hand down to you.
Keep reaching out tryintosmile - it's amazing how many people will lend a hand to you from all walks of life.
I have had to learn that too - sometimes it takes all the strength and energy I've got because I find it very hard to reach out to people I don't know. I have to school myself not to reach out to the people I do know who cause me pain (my alcoholic brother and codependent mother). But do you know what, there are immense rewards out there when you interact in healthy, positive relationships.
Sending you hope and strength, IWTHxxx
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