collegegirl

Hi all,

I haven't been here in a while and today I felt like I should come back to SR. I haven't been doing well - drinking again on a daily basis, and having no self restraint at all. I just moved to a new, nicer apartment, and I felt like I could have a fresh start. But I'm just falling back into old habits. I guess I don't know much else, I've been drinking almost every day since I was a teenager. Now I'm just exhausted all the time - when I'm not working or in school, I'm drinking - and I never get any real rest. I guess I am just looking for some support to help me get back on track. I would really like to seek some professional help, but I can't afford it. I just feel like I'm trapped - I'm in the same dead-end, abusive relationship that I've been in for almost two years. I'm constantly overwhelmed with pressure from school and work. My self esteem has taken a serious dive since I've gained weight from drinking. And I'm scared to death of graduating - I'm afraid I won't be able to support myself since my current job only lasts through graduation.

I was just wondering - how did you guys do it? How did you manage to quit when things around you weren't going well?

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Well, I guess I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have yet to meet a practicing alcoholic that stopped drinking when their life was working.

In my case, it was suicidal ideation. Coupled with that one admission. I was powerless over alcohol.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

mariechi

Hi. I know it's hard. But isn't it worth it not to be exhausted and overwhelmed all the time? There might be a state-run program that could help you. I've (gratefully) found one. Look under MHMR or drug and alcohol. An AA chapter might be able to help you, in many ways.

You'll find you have a lot of good, experienced people here to support you in your efforts. You CAN do it. You'll be so much happier.

mariechi

P.S. Lose the abuser. There's a lot better out there

tommyk

"How did you manage to quit when things around you weren't going well?"

I realized that things weren't going well because I was drinking all of the time.

Alcohol solves NO problems, it is NO solution... alcohol CAUSES problems to linger on and on and on.

Keep coming back.

Dee74

I don't think there's ever a right time to quit for an alcoholic - I kept looking for it though.

Look back I realise that I used drink to get me through every problem, worry, hassle, trouble and annoyance...I also used it when I was bored or tired...or not tired enough, or when I was sad and depressed, or when I was happy and I needed to celebrate....

I think you get me.

There is never a good time to quit if, like me, you drank through most things...there's always a reason to keep you locked in.

The best time to quit, tho, is today - you can find ways of dealing with life and its stresses and problems without resorting to something that is doing you harm. There's many people here who are proof of that.

Keep reading and posting - stop drinking....see a doctor....and find a way that speaks to you, so that you can stay stopped

D

CarolD

Welcome back to SR.....

How did I quit drinking?
I took action and I made lifestyle changes
that were beneficial to my well being....

This can be true for you too

Creekryder

I see the word "fear" seems to prevail throughout your post. Accept fear as an ally that makes you aware something is possibly putting you in danger, but don't allow fear to overtake you and keep you from acting. That is the true purpose of fear—to cause us to react to something of potential harm to us. It is absolutely normal to feel anxiety when considering what is going to happen after college. After all, when in school, you are in a surrounding in which you are fairly comfortable. Graduation removes that comfort and leaves you with uncertainty, to which leads to fear of what you are going to do. But I can assure you, if you focus on what you want, I mean really focus and don't allow a couple of setbacks to discourage you, your directions will inevitably come to you. In the process, believe this will happen, and believe in yourself. It may take time for you to accomplish this, but self-esteem comes with self-realization. Don't let anything or anybody disrupt your progress, especially a bottle. Continued use of alcohol can only ****** your self-confidence and defer your goals. I didn't learn this until I was heavily addicted to the booze. I assure you making the commitment now will be much easier than waiting as long as i did. Life can be good again, go for it.

Lionne

Welcome, collegegirl

What you just described is me, a few years ago. The fear, the feeling to be overwhelmed, the body image/self esteem issues, being scared sh*tless of graduating and of my future, and on top of all, dealing with the repercussions of an emotionally abusive relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I was paralyzed by all these fears, and my drinking got worse and worse, and it took me until 3 and a half months ago to quit. (see intoduction in the alcoholism forum). I was always my own most severe critic and thgought I had to do everything perfectly (education/career, physical appearance, relationship) even if it didn't make me happy. So I drank to cope.

Unlike you, I wasn't ready to admit that I had a problem at that stage. You have the possibilty to change the direction you are going at this stage. Even if you move to a new appartment, tha bottle will always follow you (Been there, done that).
If you try to drown your fears and problems, you will find out they can swim very well. The alcohol can and will gradually put even more pressure on you. What helped me to get sober, was to remove some of the things that contributed to overwhelm me and that didn't help me in becoming happy and confident again. In your case, getting rid of the alcohol and the abusive boyfriend. It will be easier to tackle the rest when you remove some of the pressure. Also, the prolonged alcohol use can make you feel more hopelss and depressed than you already are, but once you quit, it gradually gets better, for me it did. Fear of the future after graduation is something many students have problems with and it is ok to be scared to a certain extent. Quitting drinking will not resolve all your problems but you can start by making health and sobriety a priority and work from there on.

I don't know how it is in the USA but at my university, there was a free addiction counseling for students with drug/alcohol problems, and there were as well people you could consult to get advice on study-related problems such as stress and pressure. Maybe it is worth checking out if something like that exists at your college. It might cost some effort/be a hard step to ask for help but it is worth it.
Which I didn't do. Which results in me only now starting to pick up the pieces and trying to finally get a degree being in my end-twenites, not having had any noticeable career and having lived in fear and despair for the last 4 to 5 years. I have been down this path and from what I have seen and experienced, I think you wouldn't like it.
You can do something, and you will find a lot of support here, and I hope you'll also find some good support/program in your area.

Keep coming back and don't be to hard to yourself if you think you don't live up to your own expectations. Even if there are setbacks, don't give up, you are not alone and you can do it. All the best,
S.

least

Seeing your doctor for help with detox would be a wise choice. Alcohol withdrawal can be dangerous, besides really unpleasant. Be honest with your doctor and tell him/her you want to quit drinking and need support to get you thru the first week of detox. AFter the alcohol is out of your system, then start working a 'program' of recovery. Some stay sober thru AA, some use other programs, some use addiction counselors. Some rely completely on SR.

You CAN quit drinking and start a new sober life. It takes effort but it's so worth the effort. You can do it. Welcome to SR!

Wolfchild

My first thought before i walked in the door of a meeting wasn't that i wanted to quit using and drinking. It was that i don't want to feel the amount of pain that drugs & alcohol weren't doing anything to relieve me of anymore. It was because i had become so desperate and disconnected from my own life that i sought help from those who might be able to show me what to do. i was sick and tired of wandering thru life without hope, immersed in shame, and not being able to do anything about it. i had tried dozens and dozens of times to put my life together as best i could. Got great jobs, had wonderful relationships, attained success with material posessions, tried various religions, went to countless psychiatrists, etc., etc. Each time the sense of spiritual loneliness and emotional chaos would return stronger than before and i would return to to using. It got to the point during the last year of my active addiction where i would start to cry when i was high. The one thing i had looked to be a reliable escape from the insanity of my own life had abandoned me and left me without warning. i had no way to cope from this pain. i wanted (and tried) to take my life by a variety of methods. For reasons unknown, i was too fearful of the consequences to follow thru with it completely. And once again, i felt like a total failure each time. God helped me to realize that i didn't have to live that way anymore and guided me to a fellowship of recovering addicts & alcoholics. They introduced me to a simple spiritual program of recovery. i was so beaten and broken that i followed direction without question or rebellion. Now, a few years later, everything that i ever sought for is being restored to me. Not the outside stuff, but all the inner qualities of an emotionally, mentally, & spiritually stable person in the process of finding out who he really is and where he is going. i'll continued to stay clean & sober no matter what, and that's the most important priority of my day. i'll continue to make progress in living this new way of life daily and try to help someone else however i can. Whatever happens in my life, i will continue to be responsible to myself and to the God of my understanding. Why?? Because it only works for me if i work for it. i am living proof just as millions of others are who have found a new way to live life one day at a time.

i hope and pray that you come to a point when you begin to try something different
and to live the life you really want to live. What have you really go to lose at this point?

ScaryStory

Welcome back. I know this program is difficult, it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. You can do it though! Just make sure you go to meetings, get a sponsor that you like and can trust, that you admire. Start calling her daily even if you have nothing to say. Go to a meeting a day. You will make it, I know it!

sickofthewaste

My username says it for me. I am sick of the waste of my health, my relationships, my money, my self esteem, my life, my humour, and that'[s just me. Then I look around me and see what I have inflicted upon others and I just shudder.

No more, no more. Help is here and that is what you need. Help from us likeminded hopeless alcoholics. Hopeless that is if we are drinking but if not there is plenty hope and plenty help. Reach out.

keithj

Hi collegegirl,

I couldn't continue living as I'd been living. It was more of an internal feeling that drove me to surrender. The lonliness, depression, and anxiety were driving me insane, and I couldn't go on like that. Like a boxer unable to answer the bell.

When I got sober, I was finishing up a drawn out divorce, losing my job, and facing a 5 year jail sentence. Things were not going well for me. And as long as I was trapped in that panic and fear, I was basically paralyzed from taking any action.

I gave up. I gave up on everything except getting sober. And I even gave up any of my own ideas for how to do that. I knew that sobriety had to come first, and without it, all the other things in my life that I was scared about were meaningless.

So I had a choice. Try to manage those things as best I could, half in half out, trying to control my drinking and failing, or give up entirely and realize that it was always going to be like this unless I got sober.

AA's Big Book describes that having two choices like this. "One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help."--AA BB, 1st Ed

That was what I did. I called a guy in AA who knew all about the spiritual solution. He told me that if I wanted recover, I would probably have to do the same things he did to recover. I did them, and I recovered.

My life doesn't resemble my old life much these days. The relationships are good, the job is good, no legal or financial problems. But I didn't make those things good by working on them. I worked on the spiritual solution to sobriety and everything else came together. I've been happier than I've ever been.

Tazman53

Welcome back collegegirl.

Well as I stood on the edge of a cliff, the cliff of my life and finally saw that I had 2 choices, keep drinking and go over the edge to my death or stop drinking and live.

It was at this point that I finally just gave up, my family was leaving me, I knew if I kept drinking I would lose my job, followed by my home and truck leaving me with nothing but my bottle.

I felt totally hopeless, I had been trying to quit or control my drinking my way for YEARS! The last 5 years of my drinking I did not draw a sober breath, I had to drink every day, I drank even when I did not want to drink, I spent thos last 5 years alone in my garage ALONE!!!!

I finally surrendered to the fact I had no idea how to even get sober, little lone stay sober. I finally became desperate enough to be willing to do what ever it took me to get sober and stay sober.

I saw a doctor and he suggested medical detox.
In detox they suggested a minimum of 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor.
I went to more then 90 meetings and had a sponsor.
Folks in AA suggested taking the steps with my sponsor.
I took the steps, the last one involves among other things passing on to other alcoholics freely what had freely been passed on to me.
Today I do pass it on, I have a sponsor still and I sponsor others.

Trust me, at first most of the above I was not happy about doing, but in the long run all of the above combined has led to me being free of the bondage of my alcohoism and to be living an enjoyable life that I never dreamed possible, all of this lon lifes terms, not alcohols!

mentor

In another thread you suggest anti depressants do.

Think about it. Why would one drug and not another?

Tazman53

Love and tolerance is our code.

Can we claim we have found anything if we need to bait others in order to make our selfs feel larger?

I need to always ask myself before I speak, "Is what I am about to say going to help someone or is it simply a snide remark meant to cause a bit of drama to take the heat off of me?"

mentor

If you are speaking to me you are way off base. My intent is let the poster see the anti depressant issue clearly so he does not replace one crutch with another through good intent.

cambridge

Some people use alcohol to self-medicate for depression, and some people have situational depression that is exacerbated by alcohol. I have been sober for only 16 days, but have found mostly that my suicidal thoughts and anxiety have receeded.

This is not to say that just quitting drinking, working the program, etc. will work for everyone. Some people do need medication - I have seen it work wonders for some.

Collegegirl - I think that personally it would have been hard for me to quit if things had been going well. Because they were going poorly, there was a motivation to change, with the hope that it would improve my life, outlook, self esteem, etc. I would recommend you try and find whatever free professional or group help the college or your town has to offer. And take care.

shaun00

desperation.

i felt suicidal when i was drinking and suicidal when i wasn't....if i wasnt drinking it i was obsessed with it.....battling using all the will power i could summon to not drink....not matter what...
Ive had plenty of fresh starts.....only to drink again.

i walked into AA for the thousandth time.....i just couldn't do it anymore.
i resembled a skinny bannana......yellow and 40 odd lb under weight.
if there was another option Ive tried it.....none worked.......i always returned to drinking.

and what has my life come to......stuck in some cold shack surrounded by smug...gleeful.......idiots
that have no idea what i feel like when i attempt to do without booze.
alright you might be alcoholics but you ain't got the mental complications i have....blah blah blah........anonying little idiot i was.

i gotta say Ive never come across a newcomer that was as annoying ..rude...arrogant......aggressive..........as i was.......they seem much more polite these days....lol....

id been drinking since 13/14 i guess..........most of that time to oblivion.

and here was this old fart trying to tell me he knows how i feel.......
and he would show me how he recovered.....if i just stop whining for a minute.
Ive always been a big reader believe it or not...........prolific in fact.
so when he asked me to read a part of a book called alcoholics anonymous i relented.........if only to give the old fart something to do....lol

we read the doctors opinion together............AND THERE WAS THE PROBLEM.
all these years and there it was......some doctor knew how i felt when I'm drinking and when I'm not..........BANG.......big light bulb moment.

then we went backwards...........to the first page.........the story of how one hundred men and women recovered from alcoholism.
recovered....!!!!!.......recovered!!!!......
SH.....T.........did that say recovered.


yes it did lad...........and the rest of that book is gonna show us precisely how to do it.....
he told me......ive recovered and i hope you'd give me the privilege of showing you how i did it.
i promptly engaged in the programme of action in the form of 12 steps outlined in that book........with guidance from the old fart...lol.

it wasn't a cake walk....much to my disgust.

Today when i find a lost newcomer.......i say the same.........i know how you feel.....but there is a solution....lets get a coffee.....
normally they say...i keep doing these meetings and keep getting drunk even though i dont wanna.

if they are willing and they are alcoholic we commence to work through the steps.......

i never drank again and recovered from that hopeless mind and body...through working the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous.
if your interested there is a 12 step forum here full of people that have recovered from alcoholism.
take a look..........it may change your whole world.
i pray that it does and you know freedom beyond your comprehension.