is ignorance really bliss?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Japan
Posts: 71
is ignorance really bliss?
Hi Everyone,
I am 48 years old. My parents divorced when I was in my last year of high school, 1980. In 1990 I was unemployed, down on my luck, so I lived with my mother for a bit. I had always had an obsession or strong need to learn as much as I could about my family of origin (including my parents' respective families/ancestors), since I knew so little, and they rarely talked about it. One day I was snooping in my mother's bedroom, something which I am not proud of since it was a violation of her privacy, and I came across the divorce court proceedings as summarized by the judge.
According to what my mother and father said in court, " our son ME was the cause of our divorce..." That really upset me a lot. I have three brothers and one sister, yet I was singled out. Before my parents formally split up, in the fall of 1979 they suggested I go live with my grandmother (father's mom) in order to "relieve the tension and stress at home." I do admit to fighting a lot with my younger brother and sister, and getting the same treatment from my two older brothers, but I can honestly say there was nothing obscenely violent. In a previous post I mentioned the plan for me to move to my grandmothers and how I had run away while driving with my dad to her home, and ended up staying with a friend's family for a few weeks. Two months later I was the one who was shipped off to live with my mom after she had moved out of the house.
What bothered/bothers me is that no mention was made of the affair my mom was having at the time with her boss, only me as the cause. I mentioned with once to my older brother, who was executor of the estate when my mom died, and therefore had access to the document. He kind of agreed with me how unfair it was but did not say more than that. I did one time in 1991 when visiting for a family get together mention this document. My parents were already divorced by then and did not like me dredging up the past. All my mother could say in response to my accusation was that "you should not have gone through my things, this was private." I agree with her, but I really wanted them to acknowledge how twisted their logic was. A year or two later when my dad and I had relatively civil relationship I brought up this issue, and he responded by saying "your mother and I had a typical marital breakdown..."
I am sorry for writing so much, but it still bothers me. Yes, they were both alcoholics, and all I can surmise from their respective Irish backgrounds, that their families of origin had problems etc. However, I have been unable to put things in perspective and forgive them. My wife sees my anger and wants to see me heal...
PatK
I am 48 years old. My parents divorced when I was in my last year of high school, 1980. In 1990 I was unemployed, down on my luck, so I lived with my mother for a bit. I had always had an obsession or strong need to learn as much as I could about my family of origin (including my parents' respective families/ancestors), since I knew so little, and they rarely talked about it. One day I was snooping in my mother's bedroom, something which I am not proud of since it was a violation of her privacy, and I came across the divorce court proceedings as summarized by the judge.
According to what my mother and father said in court, " our son ME was the cause of our divorce..." That really upset me a lot. I have three brothers and one sister, yet I was singled out. Before my parents formally split up, in the fall of 1979 they suggested I go live with my grandmother (father's mom) in order to "relieve the tension and stress at home." I do admit to fighting a lot with my younger brother and sister, and getting the same treatment from my two older brothers, but I can honestly say there was nothing obscenely violent. In a previous post I mentioned the plan for me to move to my grandmothers and how I had run away while driving with my dad to her home, and ended up staying with a friend's family for a few weeks. Two months later I was the one who was shipped off to live with my mom after she had moved out of the house.
What bothered/bothers me is that no mention was made of the affair my mom was having at the time with her boss, only me as the cause. I mentioned with once to my older brother, who was executor of the estate when my mom died, and therefore had access to the document. He kind of agreed with me how unfair it was but did not say more than that. I did one time in 1991 when visiting for a family get together mention this document. My parents were already divorced by then and did not like me dredging up the past. All my mother could say in response to my accusation was that "you should not have gone through my things, this was private." I agree with her, but I really wanted them to acknowledge how twisted their logic was. A year or two later when my dad and I had relatively civil relationship I brought up this issue, and he responded by saying "your mother and I had a typical marital breakdown..."
I am sorry for writing so much, but it still bothers me. Yes, they were both alcoholics, and all I can surmise from their respective Irish backgrounds, that their families of origin had problems etc. However, I have been unable to put things in perspective and forgive them. My wife sees my anger and wants to see me heal...
PatK
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by Patk 
Hi Everyone,
According to what my mother and father said in court, " our son ME was the cause of our divorce..."
According to what my mother and father said in court, " our son ME was the cause of our divorce..."
Unfortunately, I'm sure you know that; yet it doesn't help much to sit here and say it's not your fault. But yeah, alcoholics will do ANYthing except take an honest look in the mirror and admit that they're f890ed up because THEY are f890ed up -- not because of something we did to them.
T
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
It is typical blameshifting, patk.
It is not a reflection of you - not who you are now, and not who you were then.
It is simply a reflection of their inability to deal with the stress of having kids. And just to give you an idea of how alcoholics will do this blameshifting: My A stepmother claimed that I was the cause of the problems in her relationship with my A father. And I was the kid who never caused trouble, got straight A's, didn't do drugs or drink, and did as I was told.
They will find a way to blame their weaknesses on anyone.
Anyone.
I hope you can find a way to truly believe this, and let this go.
It is not a reflection of you - not who you are now, and not who you were then.
It is simply a reflection of their inability to deal with the stress of having kids. And just to give you an idea of how alcoholics will do this blameshifting: My A stepmother claimed that I was the cause of the problems in her relationship with my A father. And I was the kid who never caused trouble, got straight A's, didn't do drugs or drink, and did as I was told.
They will find a way to blame their weaknesses on anyone.
Anyone.
I hope you can find a way to truly believe this, and let this go.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
