Cowgirl1265

(I meant to post this as a new thread but mistakenly posted it under another thread on cheating. Whoops!)

I'm not really at that step yet. But something someone posted on another thread about reading an article on abuse and giving it to their AH had me thinking. I googled 'characteristics of abuse' and looked at one article I found. It had examples of abuse categorized in different areas. Yes, I recognized several things that my mentally ill husband has done to me frequently over the years. But you know what else I found? A lot of stuff my codie self has done to HIM. Equally. Tit for tat. My codependent behavior was JUST AS ABUSIVE as his.

Examples:
Yelling
Throwing things
Acting indifferently to his feelings
Becoming angry when chores/tasks weren't done when wanted or as wanted
Acting jealous of friends & social contacts
Monitoring telephone calls/emails
Stomping out of a room during an argument
Sulking/refusing to talk about an issue
Making decisions that affected both of us without talking to him about it
Blaming him for my problems


I'm appalled at myself. Horrified, disgusted. When I get to the point where I'm ready to make amends, I have a lot to make amends for.

I'm grateful that these behaviors did not escalate into further and worse abuses. Ugh. I'm so grateful my HP is leading me to become well.

Astro

I can identify with 100% of those, I thought I had them all mastered. AA got me sober, CoDA helps with these behaviors.

ItsmeAlice

I did a little of everything at one time or another. I never struck him, but really does is matter. I swore to God once I'd kill us both before I'd let him harm me....how's that for logic? Almost sounds like I was the one doing the drinkin', right?

My favorite weapon was silence with a smattering of door slamming and my excuse was a self-proclaimed superiority because I wasn't a weak addicted liar. (How far from the f-ing truth is that???)

I can list all the things he did that made me feel justified in this behavior, and for a decade I did. I listed them in journals, to his face, and to anyone who would humor me long enough to hear it.

After months of recovery and two months of separation from him I can say without hesitation that it was the biggest load of BS on mother earth.

Before we parted company I apologized for my behavior and told him I was truly sorry. Since I do hope we do not cross paths again for the health of us both, I can only live my amends by changing myself.

I get what you are saying Cowgirl, noone deserves our ill behavior...not even an addict at their worst.

Alice

Lotus2009

I am guilty of doing some of the things on your list as well... and have recently realized that my behavior hasn't been very healthy. I've been trying to change some of these things (especially the way I deal with anger - I never really had an anger problem until I moved in with AH - and have been trying to deal with it in a more healthy way in the past few days - it's still a work in progress - baby steps)

I think noone is perfect and the best we can do is to learn from our mistakes and better ourselves (realizing your mistakes is the first step to recovery).

I also think that extreme situation can cause extreme responses! I'm not trying to justify a codie's abusive behavior... but there is only so much a person can take before snapping back. I got to a point where life at home just became so stressful, tense, and painful that the natural response was to dish back what I was receiving. A person with the right tools might have responded differently and might have just left - but I didn't see clearly at those moments and was consumed by all these negative emotions. I didn't have the control to stop myself and think - I just reacted!

BuffaloGal

I called him a coward and a loser, and told him I didn't love him anymore. None of which was, or is, true. The hardest thing I've ever had to accept in my life is that I can't undo or repair the damage from those words and I said them all by myself, they weren't his fault. I apologized, and I took out a whopping life insurance policy on myself and named him as the beneficiary, and I don't act in anger like that anymore. There's nothing else I can do.

Learn2Live

Me, too.

Thumper

I also have a pattern of behavior that was/is very damaging to my AH - and that is my doing, not his.

I with hold love and affection. I know I do. That has to be such a devastating thing for a spouse to live with. I do not demean him with words but I surely must demean him with my behaviors. That makes me very sad for him. He didn't/doesn't deserve that.

I know I must figure that out before any relationship with any person would be successful. No one deserves that.

kingston

I too recognize behaviours and agree that we as codependents often run a parallel addiction/recovery as the addict.

I have not made verbal amends to my ExAH. At this point in time I don't see myself doing it either.

Has anyone does this?

Thumper

I haven't. I think I will though. I want to.

neecey1224

This is all very much food for thought for me. And future topics of discussion with my counselor. Thank you all very much for your courage and raw honesty.

GiveLove

One of the major reasons for leaving my AX was that the relationship was turning me into a person that I didn't like, didn't respect, and didn't want to be. Dropping all the excuses ("he made me...") and looking at myself, I knew I didn't want to be that person any longer.