Feeling Frustrated
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
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Feeling Frustrated
I've been on here before, but it's been awhile (I was here under the name really_fed_up before). "Jane", my 41 y/o sister, stayed sober for a year--she was working the program and living in a sober recovery house.
Well, Jane's had a relapse--three to be exact--and we're back to square one. She has gone off her medications for depression and has had three episodes of drinking over the last three weeks. For the first two, the sober recovery program required her to go to rehab and then get back to her meetings (AA) + doctor visits. She didn't comply. Third relapse (today): the sober recovery house asked her to move out.
So my mom calls me, crying, while I'm at work, asking me to leave work to go get Jane; she begs for me and my and my husband to take Jane in. I stood strong (by my boundaries) and told her, "no, I'm sorry, but we can't help out". My mom then yelled at me, "so that's what I thought" and hung up on me. Now both of my parents are not speaking to me. I don't know what's going on with Jane.
I am on this site again for support....I know in my heart that I cannot change her (Jane) and I cannot change my parents. It angers me that my parents are so manipulated by Jane's alcoholism. They get angry at everyone EXCEPT her. I'm tired of their emotional abuse. The other day when I dared to suggest to my dad that maybe they were enabling Jane, he yelled at me, "I'm not letting any of my children go homeless, and if you don't like it, TOUGH SH*T."
Frustrated, trying....
Well, Jane's had a relapse--three to be exact--and we're back to square one. She has gone off her medications for depression and has had three episodes of drinking over the last three weeks. For the first two, the sober recovery program required her to go to rehab and then get back to her meetings (AA) + doctor visits. She didn't comply. Third relapse (today): the sober recovery house asked her to move out.
So my mom calls me, crying, while I'm at work, asking me to leave work to go get Jane; she begs for me and my and my husband to take Jane in. I stood strong (by my boundaries) and told her, "no, I'm sorry, but we can't help out". My mom then yelled at me, "so that's what I thought" and hung up on me. Now both of my parents are not speaking to me. I don't know what's going on with Jane.
I am on this site again for support....I know in my heart that I cannot change her (Jane) and I cannot change my parents. It angers me that my parents are so manipulated by Jane's alcoholism. They get angry at everyone EXCEPT her. I'm tired of their emotional abuse. The other day when I dared to suggest to my dad that maybe they were enabling Jane, he yelled at me, "I'm not letting any of my children go homeless, and if you don't like it, TOUGH SH*T."
Frustrated, trying....
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Welcome!!!
Yeah it sucks, but you know the drill. Just as you know you have no control over your sisters' alcoholism, you know you have no control over your parents' reaction.
When they get tired of it, they may try something different.
You might consider a little disengagement from your parents drama for the time being and remember, you are doing the right thing.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
Yeah it sucks, but you know the drill. Just as you know you have no control over your sisters' alcoholism, you know you have no control over your parents' reaction.
When they get tired of it, they may try something different.
You might consider a little disengagement from your parents drama for the time being and remember, you are doing the right thing.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
Thank you...(it's been a long time since I've been on here, so I plan to keep coming back). I'm staying disengaged from my parents for the meantime. It is just SO hurtful (their reactions)...they've always been controlling and emotionally abusive, so I don't know why I'm surprised at feeling so hurt...but I resent that they still try to control my own boundaries. ERRRRRRRGH. SO frustrating.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hugs to you, (((trying)))
Coming from a family of enablers who would dish out that kind of abuse regularly, I really feel your post in my bones. I have experienced that ugly tangle of emotions wrestling around in my chest, and I know how hurt you have to be.
Do whatever you have to do to return to emotional balance again. Be tender with yourself. Remind yourself hourly that you did not create this situation, and that you absolutely did the right thing protecting yourself and your home from the chaos. Al-Anon meetings were sometimes good for me to remember those things viscerally.
It may be a big cosmic gift that you are not in contact with them any more. It removes the option of sucking you into their enabling, and forces them closer to hitting bottom. It also keeps you out of the obsessive loop of news about your sister.
You cannot help her, and you cannot help them. You CAN save your own serenity, and I'm glad you're here with us working on that.
:ghug3
Coming from a family of enablers who would dish out that kind of abuse regularly, I really feel your post in my bones. I have experienced that ugly tangle of emotions wrestling around in my chest, and I know how hurt you have to be.
Do whatever you have to do to return to emotional balance again. Be tender with yourself. Remind yourself hourly that you did not create this situation, and that you absolutely did the right thing protecting yourself and your home from the chaos. Al-Anon meetings were sometimes good for me to remember those things viscerally.
It may be a big cosmic gift that you are not in contact with them any more. It removes the option of sucking you into their enabling, and forces them closer to hitting bottom. It also keeps you out of the obsessive loop of news about your sister.
You cannot help her, and you cannot help them. You CAN save your own serenity, and I'm glad you're here with us working on that.
:ghug3
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Fort Myers, FL
Posts: 161
(((Trying))) I'm very sorry your father spoke to you so harshly, and your mother became angry at you. I support you in setting your boundary and sticking to it in the face of such pressure. Thank you for the inspiration. The sober recovery house knows enough to enforce their boundaries -- good for you to follow their lead and maintain yours. To do anything less is to further endanger your sister by preventing her from experiencing the consequences she needs to make a life-affirming choice for herself.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
So sorry you have to deal with your parents unhealthy reactions.
Remember, they are just as sick as your sister.
Taking care of you, yourself, your well being is first and foremost.
There are shelters that can take your sister in. She found a way to buy alcohol, she can find somewhere to lay her head.
You can love and enable someone right into the depths of this disease.
Stay strong...
Remember, they are just as sick as your sister.
Taking care of you, yourself, your well being is first and foremost.
There are shelters that can take your sister in. She found a way to buy alcohol, she can find somewhere to lay her head.
You can love and enable someone right into the depths of this disease.
Stay strong...
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Thank you everyone. My dad wrote an email telling me to "not be angry at them." Nice how they try to control my emotions and insinuate that I cannot feel how I feel. I wrote an email back telling him that I was staying out of it because I could not help Jane and I hoped she would get back in recovery. Left it at that. They've always been this way--my entire life--trying to control us children (in everything we do / feel); even though I'm married they still try to assert their control over me (particularly my father). I'm working with an excellent therapist on this issue + many other issues. I know in my heart that what I am doing is right for me, my husband, and our life together. These things come first.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Originally Posted by ANEWAUGUST 
Remember, they are just as sick as your sister.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
(((Trying))). Just about everything you are dealing with is so hard, and for me, the hardest is trying to understand why others cannot see what I see. I sometimes think maybe it is me who is having the problem, not them.
Wanting to help and knowing that for your own sanity and wellbeing, you just cannot get hauled into the insane and unreal world created by addiction, that does hurt.
If your sister and parents are so enmeshed in this terrible game it is hard to stay out of it, but as you realise, you need to care for you and your family first priority.
Anyway, what good would it do to get back into the game?
All you would have is misery and frustration for you, and probably anger and complaints from the others, and not one single iota of change for the better anyway.
God bless
Wanting to help and knowing that for your own sanity and wellbeing, you just cannot get hauled into the insane and unreal world created by addiction, that does hurt.
If your sister and parents are so enmeshed in this terrible game it is hard to stay out of it, but as you realise, you need to care for you and your family first priority.
Anyway, what good would it do to get back into the game?
All you would have is misery and frustration for you, and probably anger and complaints from the others, and not one single iota of change for the better anyway.
God bless
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