Faith1010

First of all, I've been lurking here for months and this forum is a Godsend!

Spent 7 years with ABF living together riding this roller coaster & watching it progress rapidly. He tried recovery because I threatened to leave and I meant it! 5 days in detox + 21 day program & he relapsed at 34 days. Insisted he wasn't giving up on recovery until one month ago when he came home from "getting a haircut" drunk with a 7-11 big gulp loaded with captain morgan. I told him I couldn't deal with the insanity his drinking and using caused us so he packed his suitcase, told our 12years old daughter (wreaking of booze) he was moving out because "Mommy and Dad just don't get along". Obviously we were devastated. He left, proceeded on an 8 day binge he ended up back in detox (which of course I was there for-AGAIN). But the next day at visitation I told him that I couldn't let him come back home. I explained that he needs to get better on his own, get his life together so we can work things out, get clean & sober for himself, keep our family together and grow old together. I don't think he lasted sober a week after his release. He denies the drugs-swore on the kids lives but blew $2300 CASH in a week! Not even on gas or food; those were separate withdrawals.

But the best part is that today he tells me that he's "DONE WITH ME" because I've said one too many mean things. He's so angry that I wouldn't let him come back home that he doesn't know if he even loves me anymore and after all of the mean things I have said out of anger, (verbal abuse I guess you could say) has made his feelings for me change. BUT-he wants to stay close friends so we can raise our kids the best we can living our separate lives. He was in the area tonight and even had the audacity to stop by to put the kids to sleep, and give me a hug and kiss before he left. Now maybe it's just me...BUT ARE YA KIDDING? I have spent the last seven years battling the highs and lows, him missing for days at a time-regularly. Lie after lie, and then when he'd often get to the "please help me-I'm so sick" after a binge, I'd hold him while he cried and shake, I've watched him detox so many times. Went to court with him through his DUIs...and I'm the bad guy? I ruined our relationship? He doesn't love ME anymore? I can't even express the depths of anger and pain I feel right now.

Ya know, I understand this is typical text book addiction-blame the other person, don't accept responsibility for your actions, his mind is distorted, his brain is diseased and truthfully he probably never really had the capability to love me from the very beginning, years ago. I was a comfort blanket and just didn't know. But then why does he love the kids so much? Granted he didn't love them enough to get clean and sober and keep our family together, but it has always been the motivator to at least try recovery a few times.

I guess the conflict I'm experiencing most is I am trapped in anger and resentment-and he wants to be friends for the sake of the kids. I can't even stomach his name on the caller ID, let alone talking and HUGGING? When he hugged me I wanted to die right there. I felt this blow to my gut like I'd just been impaled by a log.

And yes, I go to Alanon. Been going for 8 months. I get it-I just have an extremely hard time making it to work. I'm trying so hard to detach but I'm so obsessed. I BEG God daily to free me of this insanity. I really am addicted to his addiction. I'm reading here all the time. I'm constantly watching intervention and researching the neuroscience and psychology behind addiction. I pray like a fiend. All I want is inner peace and closure. I want to be free of this resentment, anger and disgust. If it's over-fine-it's probably a blessing in disguise-he may never recover. I just want the pain to go away.

If anyone is still reading-thank you-sorry for the length and best wishes for you in your recovery.

Faith :

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

Chino

Your prayer was answered when your husband said goodbye. As long as you keep wanting the gift you've been given, serenity will follow

Impurrfect

(((Faith)))

Welcome to SR! I'm so sorry for the reason you are here.

The best thing I can tell you, right now, is this stuff takes time. You have been putting up with this for YEARS!!!! It's not going to be resolved or feel better in a matter of months, as much as we would like it to. I'm not trying to be smart, but think about how you two were together at 8 months compared to, say 3 years....big difference?

You've been working on this for 8 months, and it sounds like you're doing good! Al anon is a great start, and learning about addiction is, too. However, sometimes, you can get too much into all of that and that's all you think about.

I'm a recovering addict as well as someone who has loved ones who are addicts. I "get" both sides. This is just my opinion, but I would back off on watching the intervention and learning about the stuff about addiction.

I can tell you what addiction is about pretty easy. We A's (addicts), or me, anyway, started out with just minor stuff....never got addicted. Became a codependent instead to a functional alcoholic....for 20 years. A damned GOOD codie, let me tell you. At the end of that relationship, couldn't handle the breakup and started doing a few serious opiates. Abused the heck out of them, walked away from a nursing license, but when the drugs weren't available, I didn't miss them.

Got into 12-step program for addiction, did good, met a man who introduced me to crack. Two months later I was prostituting myself on the street for crack and this continued until I was locked up.

The crack is the only drug that made me walk away from life as I had known it. Addiction is progressive and the ONLY person who can do anything about getting clean is the addict. No one, and I mean NO ONE could convince me to get clean. Jail didn't do it - relapsed.

What helped me the most was that my family loved me enough to let me fall on my face and find a way to get back up. I never stole from them or anything, and kept my addiction as away from them as I could (lived almost 2 hours away) so when I got locked up they did visit. But I had to do the time. When I got out, I found a job.

When I showed I was serious about recovery, they helped me out. When I relapsed, I was given ONE more chance - I've been clean 2-1/2+ years since.

The other thing that helped was seeing that my family was going on with their lives, despite what I did. Yep, it hurt. But it also made me realize that life didn't revolve around me...wow!! I realized that if I wanted to be a part of the family again, I had better get my act together because I'm not allowed anywhere near the premises if I've been using.

I hope you continue to read and post. There are a lot of great and supportive people here who know what you are going through.

Hugs and prayers!!

Amy

Freedom1990

Take that anger and start channeling it constructively. Set some very clear boundaries, such as no more just stopping by your house (I don't care what his excuse is). If he does, you don't let him in.

You have the right to feel what you are feeling, and you have the right to NOT be touched in any way, shape, or form by that man.

You have the right to start healing without interference from him!

Empower yourself. Set those boundaries.

:ghug2 :ghug2

neecey1224

The wound can't heal if you keep ripping the scab off by participating in (or allowing yourself to be affected by) the insanity. The longer you keep ripping the scab off, the longer you delay the beginning of the healing process. Clear and strict boundaries, like Freedom said.

outtolunch

Have you considered the possibility that you are blaming him and not accepting responsibility for how you feel?

teke

hi faith, welcome to sr. sorry you are hurting but glad you found us. i totally agree with impurrfect and freedom. i'm a recovering addict married but separated to an active addict. it took me 21yrs of this same behavior before enough was enough for me. my ah have said and done the exact same things to me and my kids over and over again and i believe if i allow him to, he'll do it again and again. for now, i choose to have no contact at all with him. in my opinion, him dropping by at will, only kept me stuck and it allowed him to have his cake and eat it too.

i think maybe your ah''s behavior could be a way of manipulating you into quietly excepting his addiction, anyway thats how it was for me and my ah. it takes time but it will get better. as painful and as hard as it was for me, it helped me more to have no contact at all with him.

it also took for my family to let me fall on my face before i was ready to get serious about my recovery. i think its normal for you to feel what you feel but try not to stay there too long. do whatever you have to do to keep your mind focused on something other than him and his actions. this has nothing to do with you, its his addiction that is in control of him but you don't have to allow his addiction to control you too. take care of you and kids allow him to suffer the consequences of his actions.

he left for whatever his reason and i know it don't feel like it now but the ball really is in your court, now it time to decide what you are going to do with it. i think maybe your ah did you a big favor by leaving even though you may not think so right now.

you are going to be ok, keep moving forward and you will get there. you and your family are in my prayers.

lost84

It's funny and makes NO sense how they are "DONE WITH US" now does it? No matter what the reason ill never understand it, thats forshure.. but I guess theirs nothing you can do but give it time to really prove how much better it is that THEY LEFT.

Learn2Live

These are all excellent things you are doing! Praying to God to free you from the insanity I know must be helpful. Remember though that you are in a STAGE of recovery. You will not be here forever.

You are in the learning stage. You are trying to wrap your brain around what is and has been happening to you. Your HP will help you to tolerate your present life condition but it is up to you to take the next step, when you are ready and not before that time.

Be patient with yourself and your heart. Inner peace will come when you have looked at yourself and watched your own behavior, applying what you have learned in this stage, and practiced choosing how you will act, instead of allowing the addict to lead. Practice building your boundaries and testing your boundaries with this person. You know him quite well, don't you? Just think of it as practicing the tools you have gained already for application in the future. When he sees you have changed, he will have to adapt or run.

When that happens you will no longer allow ANYONE to touch you in a way that YOU don't want. You can do this.

Oh, and remember, when someone is TALKING to you, when he tells you "We are through" what he is doing is trying to get you to react to fulfill some need of his. When a person is "DONE" he or she does not SAY anything--they just walk away. Don't allow his words to cause you to hold on tighter and tighter. Don't react. Breathe. When you don't know what to do, DO NOTHING. It's okay to do nothing.

Puggrinz

I welcome you and am glad you are here. I too have been told that we were through. Actually at least once a year I get told this. It used to just tear me up and make me mad and desperate and bring all my abandonment issues to the front. I would tell him he could come home, didn't matter what shape he was in, just as long as I had a body.
Well this year when he pulled his stuff and wrote me the 'I wanna divorce' letter and left, I went to AlAnon. Haven't been in it as long as you, just a few weeks actually. But it has brought me some serenity.
One series of books that I have found really helpful is called "Getting Them Sober." And in these books I have learned that the Addict/alcoholic likes to make us think that they are in charge. That we are dependent on them. When in actuality, it is the other way around. They are very dependent on us. The author states that it is very hard to "lose an alcoholic". Weeks, months, years down the road they reappear, and will try to reenter our lives if we let them. This is true. My father who hasn't spoken to his A X Wife in 20+ years got a call from her the other day to have lunch! So see, they are always around even if they tell you they are done.
I get told the same thing all the time too, that I am so mean. He just can't put up with my meanness anymore. Because I tell him that if he is going to use h he has to go somewhere else. Not here at my house, around my daughter, around me. Every time I make a stand, he tells me we are through. And I guess what I am saying through all this rambling, is he never means it. And neither does yours. If he were through he wouldn't have just stopped by to tuck the kids in, hug and kiss you, blah blah. Like another poster said, he wants his cake and to eat it too. They all do. So you can expect this type of behavior every time you take a firm stand.
What helps me personally get through it, is I picture a little 3 or 4 year old kid standing in the middle of a grocery store aisle and he is pitching a royal fit. I mean he is screaming and yelling to the top of his lungs, he is stomping his feet and jumping up and down and waving his arms all around. He is yelling I hate you mommy, and he might even be pointing at you so there is no mistaking that he is your kid. And he is wanting you to give in. And he is wanting you to react. Even if it is to pop him on the butt, or jerk him up and get in his face and and shake your finger at him and tell him to quit. He wants you to react in some way, ANY WAY, just REACT. And yet, if you just turn your back and start looking at something else, look at the jewelry counter or the pretty towels on the shelves, look at anything, but where this kid can't see your face, just your back. Pretty soon he stops jumping up and down, he stops waving his arms all around, he stops screaming and yelling to the top of his voice, he even stops crying. And as you slowly make your way down the aisle, pretty soon, he pops his thumb in his mouth and follows right along behind you just like nothing happened. And yep, it can be embarrassing. Yep, people are looking at you, thinking in their minds, well if it were me I'd do this, or I'd do that. But they're not you and you're not them. Yep it can be uncomfortable. But it worked. YOU took action, you didn't try to reason, you didn't try to talk sense, you didn't try to bargain or threaten. This kid was beyond all reason, he was beyond all sense, just like a threatening alcoholic addict. Once they see that this kind of behavior does not work with you, that really you could care less (even if you have to fake it), they stop. They stop with the empty silly threats. Doesn't mean they ever stop trying out silly empty threats, they search and search, they never stop trying. And you'll be tired one day and sad, or hungry or just in a weakened state and you'll react. We all do. But then you get back up and brush yourself off and go forward. And the more that you are able to say with your actions 'sorry that just doesn't work with me, but you go ahead and work yourself up into a lather while I walk over here to look at something else' then who knows, it might just be the push that makes him finally get really well. As long as they can keep us upset and talking and defending ourselves and trying to reason with them, they know they are safe. Because as long as we are talking, we are not DOING.
So set your boundaries as to when he can come see the kids. He left, now you can set YOUR rules and boundaries. He doesn't get to have it both ways, oh I'll leave but pop back in whenever. Nope, let him live with his choice. Mine thinks he can leave but pop back in for a booty call whenever the urge hits. No thank you very much. You don't want to put in the day to day you don't get the benefits in my home. I get told the same thing as yours, oh I want to come watch movies with my girls, oh I miss the dogs, oh I need to rake the leaves, oh what ever excuse he can come up with to get over here to see whats going on. Why? Because these are miserable humans! They are not happy! They are in misery and they want every one else to be that way too! They want to look like the good guy, on the outside and do and say things that make us look like the bad guy! They just want to be the good ol' guy and we are the mean mommy. It's what an addict does. They know inside they are no good and what they are doing is no good, but they do everything in their power to make it look just the opposite.
Remember this, addicts/alcoholics don't get with weak women. We are stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We are strong or else we wouldn't have put up with or made it this long. We raise babies, work jobs, manage households, take care of aging parents, feed pets, join PTA, make cupcakes for school, clean our houses all while dealing with an Alcoholic/addicts junk! So baby, you hold your head up high. You don't worry, keep working on yourself and all this other stuff wil sort itself out. When the time is right you will find the questions to your answers. It is a process, and by the time we usually reach out for help we are so sick of the whole situation we just want it to hurry up and get better. We want to get instantly healed. But it just takes time.
Thank you for sharing your story. Please keep coming back. Take a look at the "Getting Them Sober" series of books. Take from them what you need and leave the rest. There is a lot of good info in them. Please keep up with Alanon. Just remember, you are not alone. We are all here for you.

Abundance

<------ Pugz!

teke

i totally agree with pugz. her post is exactly how its been for me for yrs. i always say, my ah use what works and when one thing quit working, he'll find something else to try to use.

Learn2Live

Just want to say thank you to Puggrinz for an INCREDIBLE post! You are so right on. Thank you for that very clear picture.