Goldengrl

Hi. I am new to this group as I just recently began dating a recovering alcoholic and need some insight.

I have been dating him for two months now. I knew him in a professional/friendly aspect before it turned to hanging out...going on dates etc. He has been sober for 4.5 years and goes to AA meetings daily. He also leads a pretty structured life. Swims every day for almost 2 hours...plays trombone/piano and guitar and just added karate to his "schedule".

We started off slowly in our relationship. Dated for almost a month before he kissed me and then things got physical pretty quickly. I started to think things were a bit wierd when he would not spend the night at my house. He said "travel discombobulated him" and he felt better if I stayed at his house overnight.

Then I brought up the issue of being exclusive. I know this should usually happen prior to sex...but like I said...that aspect happened quickly. He evaded the subject and said "Men don't like to talk about this. You know better". I felt like I'd been scolded.

This past Saturday the s**t really hit the fan. I had not heard from him for almost 3 days. This was unusual. We had been either calling/texting/Facebooking every day for the past two months. Plus we had been going out every weekend etc. Friday came and no call to make plans...no contact at all. I was worried because I knew he'd been stressed at work (he is an attorney) and that he stated if he began to isolate then something was wrong. I decided to go to his house Saturday morning to see if he was ok and if things with us were ok. What happened next still has me in shock...

Basically he said that my showing up at his home unannounced was "crazy behavior" and then he said "I did not sign up for 24/7 accountability". I had no idea what that meant! None of my attempts to contact him asked him what he was doing or who he was with etc. He then stated "I am doing what I do. I'm stressed. I'm isolating". I told him that was part of why I was there and he just would not hear it. He then stood up quickly...said "I am going swimming. That was on my agenda today and I'm going. So we need to leave". I said "Are you kidding me right now? We need to talk about all of this. I don't understand what is going on. I am sorry I came by "unannounced", and I do feel stupid now, but we need to talk". He then said "You should feel stupid. Let's go". (And trust me...he has let me be in his house when he's not home and told me I was welcome to go there whenever. So him freaking out on me showing up was reallllly a shock!)

I walked out to my car and then asked "Are we done?" and he just said "We are done for now" and drove off. I was in shock! Up to that day he has been friendly, caring, supportive and all around an ok guy. It was like a completely different person.

I went home and took him off my Facebook list. I did not hear from him until Sunday night when I got a text "U unfriended me? OMG". Then he called. Not one apology for his actions. He again stated that showing up at his house was a "radical" move on my part. I then went into a 5 minute monologue about why I came and how I could not believe his behavior and that he really hurt my feelings.

How did he react? "I just pulled up in someone's driveway. I gotta go". Click.

What is going on with him? Is this normal behavior for a recovering alcoholic or is he just a jerk?!?

transformyself

Is this what you want?

Sounds like he hustled you fast out of his house to avoid a collision with another woman or lover. But why he did it sort of doesn't matter. If he won't talk to you, listen to you or respect you, is that what you want in a relationship?

Don't doubt or blame yourself. I would move on. The answers will come, but they may take awhile.

Hugs. I know how this feels.

Goldengrl

No it's not what I want. I guess I was just really in shock! He has been going to all the hospital appointments with me for my daughter (she was diagnosed with seizures last month) and has been there for emotionally up until Saturday. It was like a 360 degree turn!!

But I know the way he acted was probably his true colors and yes...I did think that there might be another woman. But it would have been a quick hook up because we literally see each other every weekend and even on weeknights. I don't know where he would fit another woman in actually...with all of his activities. LOL!

I just wanted to know if this was typical "dry-drunk" behavior. Like he has dealt with not drinking but has no clue how to emotionally connect or be confronted with someone else's feelings. It was just really wierd...

Thank you for your message though. It does help. My friends are sick of hearing about it and of course have told me to move on...so that is what I will do! Thank goodness it wasn't longer then 2 months of dating!

Freedom1990

I've learned the hard way more than once not to jump to conclusions or assume.

That being said, it certainly sounds like you are much more emotionally invested in this 'relationship' than he is.

Personally I am one to stick at home when I am stressed too, and it really does chap my hind end if someone drops by unannounced. There are times I need to 'decompress' from life in the solitude of my home, and there are times I am incredibly busy with college classes, etc, and it's not a good idea to stop by unannouced.

I give people their space, and I certainly like to have my own.

Just my two cents.

transformyself

Well, I don't know about dry drunk behavior, but I am an expert on cheating. My husband had three physical and two emotional affairs before I left him. Your buddy has all the signs of covering his a**.

And yes, thank goodness it wasn't more than 2 months of dating!

Thumper

I have no idea if that is dry drunk behavior or not. It is his behavior though one way or another.

You have been dating for two months. The whole point of dating is finding out about the other person. If you are not comfortable with what you find out, you quit dating and move on. IMO of course. You do not need to change your behavior, or change his behavior, or get to the bottom of anything.

I didn't actually follow that advice very well myself. There were lots of reasons why I didn't but it was a mistake - all in caps - MISTAKE. My life is a mess today, and we have four kids that must deal with the fall out.

My favorite nugget of advice from this board is 'play the tape all the way through'. I never did that. I played it 1/4 of the way or I changed the characters. If I had played the tape all the way through when I was still dating, without editing the characters, I could have easily predicted the mess I'm in today. If you play your tape all the way through with this guy *without changing him one iota - just accepting him for what he is RIGHT NOW* what is the ending like? If that isn't the ending you want, then quite playing that tape.

worthyoflove

If I was talking to someone everyday and then all communication stopped after having sexual relations, I would feel used.

TakingCharge999

"I just pulled up in someone's driveway. I gotta go".

Call me paranoic but these words were designed to hurt like a verbal kick in the gut...

Sheeeeeesh... wow. Well, you thought he was worthy and he showed he is not, so better stay away. No one needs a person like that in their life.... at least you did not lose that much time!!

GiveLove

Goldengrl,

I don't know the guy at all, but it sounds like he may just be - at best - a really rigid but not entirely stable person who a) is not as into you as you are into him, and b) would cause a lot of pain if you were to continue dating him.

Sorry you were hurt or confused by his behavior, but try your best to look at it as a favor. This really isn't someone you want to be mixed up with....you two sound like a terrible fit, and life's too short for things like that. Trying to figure out the "whys" of human behavior sometimes will just drive you nuts.

Dust yourself off and move on - and keep watching out for those red flags

Goldengrl

Thank you to everyone for your input! I am doing a lot better today and will be moving on. I did see red flags early on as well...and ignored them. Just mad at myself I guess for allowing this person in and then allowing him to treat me the way he did on Saturday.

But NO MORE! Just more things to add to my list of "red flags" and types of men to avoid...