FreeBird09

My goodness someone remove my phone from my house and smash it with a hammer... I can't seem to NOT answer that darn phone when he (the axbf) calls and it isn't so much that he is torturing ME, he is in so much pain that it is unbelievable how someone can want to be so engrossed in the drink to the point where he has lost..... he JUST told me... 50 lbs in 5 months, it is 5pm and he hasn't eaten, not just today.. but in DAYS. He is drunk .. again.. (no kidding) and said that his diet consists of barley and hops. I said, YOU ARE KILLING yourself.. he said I WANT to kill myself. I said, don't tell me you love me when obviously you do not even care a little bit about yourself that you are dying a slow death. He said he is waiting on God to redeem him and take the pain away, if God decides that it is through death then so be it. OK, well... I want to strangle him (not really, as I am not violent, but I am sure all of you can understand)

Here I am having a seller day, had lunch with a male friend of several months, and we are getting pretty close and then I pick up the phone just to hear this alcoholics voice, and to NOT MIND MY OWN BUSINESS!!. It didn't ruin my day.. and he asked me that, he said... did I ruin your day, you seem pretty happy today, and I said, no one could ruin this beautiful day if they tried.

He ended the phone call with, please don't worry about me it will be ok, God will take care of both of us. (and.. that he is ANGRY AT ME.. and that is why he was doing what he has done for the last year+) I guess he is right, there isn't one thing I can do.. yeah, maybe there is one thing.. stop being his leaning post and let him hit the ground. The only thing I am gaining out of this at this point is.. the knowledge that he is still alive.. but not really alive in the sense that I am.

I am really just venting here. I just feel like I am stupid in some ways. I have such a bleeding heart and I really never gave up on anyone at all, even the ones that give up on themselves.

Ugghh...

ItsmeAlice

It may take drastic measures to save you from yourself. You may have to somehow block him from calling you...change your number, change the ring tone to (none) so when he calls it doesn't ring, or change the ID on the phone to DO NOT ANSWER.

It's an addiction to caretaking.

I've got the same problem. I've been able to ignore his calls and send them to voicemail without picking up, but when he leaves a message, which is only about once a week, I still listen to it. I still can't get away from needing to confirm that he is still drinking, or that he will still try to manipulate my feelings, or just to be sure he's still alive. It's a hurdle I'm trying to get over.

I keep reminding myself that NO CONTACT works for a reason. It works because it breaks the cycle of push and pull from the addict and their enabler/codependent/caretaker.

I also ask myself if I am still in touch with boyfriends from long ago, and the answer is no, so why do I need to stay in touch with this one....hmmm?

I'm right where you are.

Alice

FreeBird09

I asked myself the same question.. <<<<<if I am still in touch with boyfriends from long ago, and the answer is no, so why do I need to stay in touch with this one....hmmm?>>>> and the answer is NO. I sometimes go a week or more without contact with the father of my children, the man I was married to for over 20 years.. but I can't seem to draw away from this.. alcoholic. I feel so.. horrible for him, but not to the point where I stop my life. (most days). <<being honest...

Thank you itsmealice, for responding, I thought I was the only one who is struggling at times. I am soooo... happy it isn't ALL the time. I tend to see he calls more when his drinking buddy is not around (he tells me when he is gone, so I put the two together) when his buddy is around he is not calling me as much. This past week he has called me.. maybe 10 times. I didn't answer all times.

I, myself, am asking God to heal me from all of this mess and erase this need to speak to him as it is some sort of weirdness that is inside my brain that I need to get rid of.

transformyself

You're all right. Try to be kind to yourself. Observe your own actions and emotions.

That guy, though, what a drama queen. I think all A's are. Go back and read what you wrote and tell me if you might have a different opinion of him if you had never been in love with him.

I've heard the same from my AH. I don't deserve the way he treats me, he's leaving Las Vegas, I am the reason he treats me the way he does, he's sorry and will never do this again, he wants to die, he doesn't deserve to live. Repeat. And if I leave him, it really escalates.

Trouble is, along the way the do actually kill themselves. This isn't a social problem. This is a disease that kills you. Sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly. And there's absolutly nothing we can do about it. Just like I can't sit on the other end of the phone and talk anyone out of having cancer.

You'll sort this out Darlin. I know this may be a very unpopular opinion, but to be truthful, there are times when I can have contact with numb n*** and not be affected by it. His drama doesn't drag me down, it just brings to light how badly he is drowning. Not often, but sometimes I can see all of that and embrace the truth that I can't and in fact do not want to help him.

When I"m at my best, I am detached and compassionate. It's like indifference but includes prayer for his health without wavering from mine . However, so far this kind of contact goes one of two ways: I get reeled back in emotionally or I walk away.

And even when I"ve walked away, it hasn't been for long. The longest was 6 weeks. We've separated four times!

This time I'm doing NC the best I can. I"m hoping it sticks long enough to be my new reality.

I'll make you a deal. You can come here and confess your "slips" and so will I. I'll cheer you on and hold you up. Eventually we'll get there.

tjp613

I was just reading in Codependent No More the many reasons why people hang on....maybe you're falling under the heading of those who "NEED to be needed". It gives you purpose? I dunno.... just food for thought.