Marriage Counseling and More PAIN
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
Marriage Counseling and More PAIN
Marriage counseling: It's a start to work through the issues. Went last week and have weekly appts set up. I am feeling good that this step is being taken. Its the right thing to do.
But I have a big issue (while I am waiting for the counseling to solve the problems!) It's extreme bouts of anxiety I am having. My husband got upset yesterday and gave me the silent treatment (again) and while it's not something new to me, I just seemed to crash. I get so nervous and physically sick. I no longer approach him and ask What's the matter? Is something bothering you? Because it just opens things up for him to rant about what I did wrong to upset him. And I am not willing to put myself through that.
But I don't know what to do with my anxiety attacks. Rapid heart beat, dizzineness, stomach pains, diarhea, and on the verge of tears. And I can't think stratight as a result. I wish I could approach him for comfort, solace and understanding but I can't. So I prayed very hard this morning asking God to take away the pain. Relief hasn't come yet. I called an alanon friend and left a message and she will probably call back on her lunch hour. Last night I did yoga and it did seem to relieve things.
I take a low dose of anti-anxiety med, but don't want to increase my dosage. If this were YOU what action would you take next? What would you do to take care of yourself? Something is really wrong if you find yourself needing to do deep breathing exercises before driving home from work. I feel like such a weakling.
I am sad and scared. What action do I need to take - to make these physical symptoms go away?
Thanks for listening. And also thank you for your patience. I feel like such a broken record.
But I have a big issue (while I am waiting for the counseling to solve the problems!) It's extreme bouts of anxiety I am having. My husband got upset yesterday and gave me the silent treatment (again) and while it's not something new to me, I just seemed to crash. I get so nervous and physically sick. I no longer approach him and ask What's the matter? Is something bothering you? Because it just opens things up for him to rant about what I did wrong to upset him. And I am not willing to put myself through that.
But I don't know what to do with my anxiety attacks. Rapid heart beat, dizzineness, stomach pains, diarhea, and on the verge of tears. And I can't think stratight as a result. I wish I could approach him for comfort, solace and understanding but I can't. So I prayed very hard this morning asking God to take away the pain. Relief hasn't come yet. I called an alanon friend and left a message and she will probably call back on her lunch hour. Last night I did yoga and it did seem to relieve things.
I take a low dose of anti-anxiety med, but don't want to increase my dosage. If this were YOU what action would you take next? What would you do to take care of yourself? Something is really wrong if you find yourself needing to do deep breathing exercises before driving home from work. I feel like such a weakling.
I am sad and scared. What action do I need to take - to make these physical symptoms go away?
Thanks for listening. And also thank you for your patience. I feel like such a broken record.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Have you spoken to a personal counselor - for YOU, not your marriage - about these symptoms, jehnifer? What did they say?
Have you always had them in life, or did they just start with this marriage?
Have you always had them in life, or did they just start with this marriage?
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
I wish I had an answer for you, but I am VERY curious to hear what others say, because I have the same issue. I just posted on this board initially again, because I smelled alcohol on my new husband's breath (I divorced my AH a long time ago), and I immediately had such high anxiety it was hard to breath. Someone suggested it might be PSTD. It sound crazy, but I think she is right. I'm going to talk to my counselor about it. Obviously, you mention going to alanon, so that's a good idea. I meditate and do yoga myself, and very rarely get off center. But lately, I am having this kind of high anxiety allot more and it is very disturbing. I don't really have any good advice, just wanted to say my thoughts are with you and I know what it's like. I am going to see an individual counselor to help me with mine - maybe you could see someone just for you, as well as with the marriage counselor? I'll keep you posted on how mine goes and if it helps... hang in there!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
If this were me, I would know I am in a position I need to address immediatley. But I have PTSD and know that if I don't get anxiety under control when it rears its ugly head, I will escalate into god knows what.
I spent years, YEARS in your position. it's living hell.
I too have pharmacuetical drugs that I take to cap off anxiety, not every day. But first I:
go to yoga. which kind do you do? I practice Bikram and it totally fixes my anxiety.
If I can't get there, I exercise. Walk fast for 20 minutes even.
i get AWAY from my AH. That has really helped as well. I would go spend the night at my cousins house, or do something with friends. But I first had to sick of being treated like crap. The thing that helped the most was detaching from him and getting my own life.
Here is a website for anxiety that has helped
Anxiety and Depression Resource Organization since 1984 - Freedom From Fear
I also use positive affirmations.
I truly understand how you're feeling. You can change this! Keep seaching and try new things if the old things you've tried just yield the same results.
I spent years, YEARS in your position. it's living hell.
I too have pharmacuetical drugs that I take to cap off anxiety, not every day. But first I:
go to yoga. which kind do you do? I practice Bikram and it totally fixes my anxiety.
If I can't get there, I exercise. Walk fast for 20 minutes even.
i get AWAY from my AH. That has really helped as well. I would go spend the night at my cousins house, or do something with friends. But I first had to sick of being treated like crap. The thing that helped the most was detaching from him and getting my own life.
Here is a website for anxiety that has helped
Anxiety and Depression Resource Organization since 1984 - Freedom From Fear
I also use positive affirmations.
I truly understand how you're feeling. You can change this! Keep seaching and try new things if the old things you've tried just yield the same results.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
I have been to individual counseling - 6 sessions. By the last session I was prepared to ask for a separation. I went home and talked to my husband telling him thats where things were. But I did not go through with it. Instead we agreed to try marriage counseling. (I keep going back to the thought that something is wrong with me, how I view things, how I precess things, and that I'm not very good in relationships in general - so why punish him by leaving?)
I have not felt this level of anxiety since...back in school? Nerves about exams? I don't know really. I have lost 7 pounds - unintentionally - because I don't feel like eating. I feel like a frickin idiot. But I know better than to wallow in that thought. God just wants me to be happy and to feel good. But how do I get there?
I have not felt this level of anxiety since...back in school? Nerves about exams? I don't know really. I have lost 7 pounds - unintentionally - because I don't feel like eating. I feel like a frickin idiot. But I know better than to wallow in that thought. God just wants me to be happy and to feel good. But how do I get there?
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I have been to individual counseling - 6 sessions. By the last session I was prepared to ask for a separation. I went home and talked to my husband telling him thats where things were. But I did not go through with it. Instead we agreed to try marriage counseling. (I keep going back to the thought that something is wrong with me, how I view things, how I precess things, and that I'm not very good in relationships in general - so why punish him by leaving?)
Honey, your self esteem is badly eroded. You wanted to "ask" him for a separation after coming to that decision with your counselor? Are you still seeing that person? If not, can you go back asap, while waiting for MC?
Do you have kids? Can't you just pack up and get away from him? How is you leaving punishing him? You're not his mommy, your his wife and you're having extreme anxiety and he's not being sympathetic, only thinking of himself.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by jehnifer 
But I don't know what to do with my anxiety attacks. Rapid heart beat, dizzineness, stomach pains, diarhea, and on the verge of tears. And I can't think stratight as a result. I wish I could approach him for comfort, solace and understanding but I can't.
I turned to booze until I couldn't anymore. I wished I could turn to it, but it stopped working for me.
Like 'him', alcohol ceased to be the answer to my problems. So without my solution being an option, I had to find a new solution. For me, that solution was the 12 steps of AA. I put all the focus I could bring to that solution instead of my previous solution of alcohol. It brought me into a way of living that was infinitely more satisfying than the life I had known.
I believe there is a similar program of recovery for the 'him' problem. Alcohol (him) is still exactly the same as it always was. With recovery, it's just not a problem any longer.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
My AH was in a near fatal DUI auto accident. When I heard the news from the state patrol, they told me how critical he was and not if he were alive or not. My adrenaline shot trhough the ceiling and my anxiety was sky high.
Was somethhing wrong with me? Was I not trying hard enough? Of course not, my physical symptoms were my bodies response to the information I had received. My body went into fight or flight mode all without my conscious approval. Amazing isn't it.
Perhaps NOTHING is wrong with you. Perhaps your body is responding to a threat in the way it is supposed to, all without your conscious awareness.
Was somethhing wrong with me? Was I not trying hard enough? Of course not, my physical symptoms were my bodies response to the information I had received. My body went into fight or flight mode all without my conscious approval. Amazing isn't it.
Perhaps NOTHING is wrong with you. Perhaps your body is responding to a threat in the way it is supposed to, all without your conscious awareness.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I agree with Chrysalis.
Our bodies are very, very smart.
When you try to force your body to go home to a situation that CONSTANTLY has you in fight or flight because your husband constantly criticizes you (and pulls the silent treatment on you like a ten-year-old) you're going to have anxiety.
I suggest the first order of business when you talk to your marriage counselor again is your anxiety over this situation. Be brave, describe the symptoms as you did for us.
I'd also suggest you go back to personal counseling. It is THAT counselor who is concerned with YOU and YOUR health, and not the health of your marriage. You come first, marriage comes second - okay?
You say you pray to God to make your anxiety go away. I cannot tell you what to believe, jehn, but I know that God speaks to me through the signals passed on through my body. It is the only way to reach me - it grabs me by the arm and says, "Pay attention - changes are needed here." I disrespect my higher power when I pray to Him to stop sending me clear messages about what I need to do.
What if you are turning your back on what He intends for you by staying in this unhappy place?
Our bodies are very, very smart.
When you try to force your body to go home to a situation that CONSTANTLY has you in fight or flight because your husband constantly criticizes you (and pulls the silent treatment on you like a ten-year-old) you're going to have anxiety.
I suggest the first order of business when you talk to your marriage counselor again is your anxiety over this situation. Be brave, describe the symptoms as you did for us.
I'd also suggest you go back to personal counseling. It is THAT counselor who is concerned with YOU and YOUR health, and not the health of your marriage. You come first, marriage comes second - okay?
You say you pray to God to make your anxiety go away. I cannot tell you what to believe, jehn, but I know that God speaks to me through the signals passed on through my body. It is the only way to reach me - it grabs me by the arm and says, "Pay attention - changes are needed here." I disrespect my higher power when I pray to Him to stop sending me clear messages about what I need to do.
What if you are turning your back on what He intends for you by staying in this unhappy place?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I hope you find some peace.
I've been experiencing similar anxiety for the first time in my life the last 6 weeks. I hope it goes away soon. I've lost 35 pounds but did gain 10 back. I've never felt so terrible.
Anyway - it is horrible way to live. I've decided that if I feel this bad something is not right and something must change.
I've been experiencing similar anxiety for the first time in my life the last 6 weeks. I hope it goes away soon. I've lost 35 pounds but did gain 10 back. I've never felt so terrible.
Anyway - it is horrible way to live. I've decided that if I feel this bad something is not right and something must change.
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
"while I am waiting for the counseling to solve the problems"
First off, don't count on counseling to "solve" your problems. My AW and I went through 5 months of meeting once a week. I thought things were going great but she was still lying and hiding her drinking from me. Counseling will get out what each side wants to talk about. It won't solve your problems, only you can do that.
"I get so nervous and physically sick. I no longer approach him and ask What's the matter? Is something bothering you? Because it just opens things up for him to rant about what I did wrong to upset him. And I am not willing to put myself through that."
Been there, done that. I avoided talking to the AW because it was always an hour long talk session. Well, more me trying to calm her down. "I don't deserve to live" "you deserve someone who makes you happy" "I will never heal" on and on and on.
A little advice my personal counselor gave me. If you can't talk to your A about the issue there is a problem. This forum is great but is no substitution for addressing the issues in you life with the person making your life miserable.
It may be hard. I know. It was extremely hard for me to talk to her. When I did she just lied about her drinking and asked how I could even ask when the whole time she was just lying. Er, quacking as they say here. She was too deep to look and point the finger at herself and like every other A they will point at someone/something else so they don't have to look in the mirror.
I think you will find your need of anti-anxiety meds will decrease the more control you have over your life. Most A's rely on controlling their environment. I was weak and my AW walked over me. I believed her in hopes that love would heal her. The only person who can heal them is themselves. We can't heal them. We can help them on their journey but it is a path they must walk themselves.
Be strong, be confident that this is not because of you. You are doing what you need to do. He needs to do more. He needs to instigate and be the champion of change in your house. If he is not willing, get yourself clear of this trainwreck before it takes you down with it.
First off, don't count on counseling to "solve" your problems. My AW and I went through 5 months of meeting once a week. I thought things were going great but she was still lying and hiding her drinking from me. Counseling will get out what each side wants to talk about. It won't solve your problems, only you can do that.
"I get so nervous and physically sick. I no longer approach him and ask What's the matter? Is something bothering you? Because it just opens things up for him to rant about what I did wrong to upset him. And I am not willing to put myself through that."
Been there, done that. I avoided talking to the AW because it was always an hour long talk session. Well, more me trying to calm her down. "I don't deserve to live" "you deserve someone who makes you happy" "I will never heal" on and on and on.
A little advice my personal counselor gave me. If you can't talk to your A about the issue there is a problem. This forum is great but is no substitution for addressing the issues in you life with the person making your life miserable.
It may be hard. I know. It was extremely hard for me to talk to her. When I did she just lied about her drinking and asked how I could even ask when the whole time she was just lying. Er, quacking as they say here. She was too deep to look and point the finger at herself and like every other A they will point at someone/something else so they don't have to look in the mirror.
I think you will find your need of anti-anxiety meds will decrease the more control you have over your life. Most A's rely on controlling their environment. I was weak and my AW walked over me. I believed her in hopes that love would heal her. The only person who can heal them is themselves. We can't heal them. We can help them on their journey but it is a path they must walk themselves.
Be strong, be confident that this is not because of you. You are doing what you need to do. He needs to do more. He needs to instigate and be the champion of change in your house. If he is not willing, get yourself clear of this trainwreck before it takes you down with it.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
jehnifer, you ask what would I do if I felt physically as you do?
NOW I would be seeing my GP asap, also my counsellor.
BEFORE I did nothing, and ploughed on into Stress Angina and a heart attack.
A relationship where only one works on it and the other does sweet nothing, is not really a relationship. If only one person is pushing on the see-saw,and the other is just sitting, then that see-saw is not moving very much. May as well get off the see-saw.
You have incrased anxiety when you leave work to go HOME?
My dear, going home should be a HAPPY experience for you, giving you respite and a sense of relief from work hassles, not something that scares the s**t out of you.
Soldiers can get PTSD from even a short time on active service, so those here with it or any anxiety or depressive problem should not be surprised, given that their active service has been constant and maybe for years.
I do hope you get to your GP and counsellor, before you really have worse damage to your body and mind. As for the MC sessions, they come after YOU get physically and mentally healthy, and you may find that you no longer wish to waste your time with them.
God bless
NOW I would be seeing my GP asap, also my counsellor.
BEFORE I did nothing, and ploughed on into Stress Angina and a heart attack.
A relationship where only one works on it and the other does sweet nothing, is not really a relationship. If only one person is pushing on the see-saw,and the other is just sitting, then that see-saw is not moving very much. May as well get off the see-saw.
You have incrased anxiety when you leave work to go HOME?
My dear, going home should be a HAPPY experience for you, giving you respite and a sense of relief from work hassles, not something that scares the s**t out of you.
Soldiers can get PTSD from even a short time on active service, so those here with it or any anxiety or depressive problem should not be surprised, given that their active service has been constant and maybe for years.
I do hope you get to your GP and counsellor, before you really have worse damage to your body and mind. As for the MC sessions, they come after YOU get physically and mentally healthy, and you may find that you no longer wish to waste your time with them.
God bless
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Perhaps your body is responding to a threat in the way it is supposed to, all without your conscious awareness.
When I caught my H cheating, I responded the way you describe. I couldn't eat, sleep, drive, parent or work. My digestion was jacked up.
It's a normal reaction to a situation that is very very bad for you. That's why I said when this happens to me, I address it right away. I know something is wrong and my mental health has to come first. Nothing else matters.
Seriously. Do you have kids? What is stopping you from up and leaving, even if it's for the weekend? I took little escape trips often, finally found the courage to rent a place and move me and the kids into it. It's hard, but thank GOD I no longer live with that man.
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