transformyself

So my AH is addicted to booze. And I"m addicted to him

the booze lies to him, tells him everything will be ok if he just drinks. He will be able to fix his problems, get a new start in life, he will be happy.

That is what my addiction tells me too.

If I just talk to him, get him to sleep with me, listen and care enough, take his abuse, everything will be ok. It's so sick. I'm exhausted again, and have only been back at this since Friday.

Seriously. I moved out early September and felt great but over the weekend he text raged at me and I just couldn't let go of it. I hooked back into that insane thinking.

AH left me in 2005. I thought I was going to die. didn't. Got on with my life, felt great. He came home. Guess what happened?

The dance of rage, blameshifting, denial and guilt and abandonment continued and got worse.

Busted him in an affair april 2008. Threw him out. Thought I was going to die. Didn't. Started taking back my life, being really truly happy, filed for divorce, he wanted to come home. I agreed and wanted it to work with all my heart. Guess what happened?

When I had serious issues with his affair and wanted him to stop talking to her, things got ugly. He tried, he really did. But I think there is too much damage. Plus, he's a freaking alcoholic.

I went to Chicago to work on my book for a week in February and felt great! Came home, all hell broke lose.

I went to Key West to see my sisters and work on the book in April and felt great! Came home-madness.

In July his drinking escalated so much, the kids would cry when he was drunk. I laid down the law. boy did i show him!

He would come home with beer and say, "don't freak out. it's ok." I am laughing typing this. It's unreal.

Busted him texting her in August, I moved me and the kids to a new house and started unpacking and putting things where I want them to be, not him, and doing what I want to do and felt great!

But over the weekend, I engaged again.

Lots of folks here gave me good advice. Go NC with him. Do not respond. Do not engage.

It feels like there is some mystical field, smoke or fog that surrounds me at times. I lived in it before, but now have these moments of clarity--scientific proof if you will--that I am happier away from him. More productive. Can sort out my **** and become healthy.

So here's my question- what tools do you use, you personally, to keep out of this fog? Because once it's there, for me at least so far, it's over. I think the smart thing to do is keep on top of my state of mind and be aware when the fog creeps in, that trigger or whatever you want to call it.

I know once I am triggered its just a matter of sitting with my own uncomfortable feelings and letting them pass without action. But what do you do to unprogram yourself?

I am going to pick up a codependant workbook today. I hope that helps.

Pelican

I am going to pick up a codependant workbook today. I hope that helps

Work at it, one day at a time!

For me:

"Don't let _______ take up space in my head, rent free". My financial budget does not allow for free-loaders!

Seriously, I have to stop when I find the obsessive thoughts taking over (stinking thinking).
I have to look at the situation, realistically. (no magical thinking)
I have to listen for guidance to continue my path of recovery. (take the next right step)
Stop, look & listen.

It begins to get easier, one day at a time.

GiveLove

I went no-contact as if my life depended on it. Really: I took it as seriously as I would take insulin if I were diabetic.

And I did a lot of work with a counselor experienced with ACOA kids like me, and experienced with codependence, to understand and root out why I thought I would die when a lying, cheating, irresponsible piece of sh** drunk left my life.

And I listened to Martha Beck's The Joy Diet a lot, in order to overhaul my daily habits and thinking patterns.

Again, as though my life depended on it. Because it did.

Just my own experience.

transformyself

I"m doing it! He's texted and called twice and each time it comes up MORE STUPID S*** because someone brilliant here told me to change his name to that on my phone.

Also, earlier today I wanted to write him a long letter and just ream him for an email he sent me over the weekend. I wrote it up and was going to post it here, but instead got distracted with cleaning the kitchen and before i knew it, I was thinking, why would I do that? It'll just keep the damn drama going. Instead, I'm going to fix MY OWN LIFE.

Going back to work now. Not picking up that drink.

LaTeeDa

Perfect! BTW, this is the kind of thing I used my "Book of Anger" for. Every time I wanted to engage, to cuss him out, to scream at him, whatever....

Instead, I would pull out my notebook and put it all in there. That notebook has so many !!!!!!!!!!!'s and CAPS and triple underlined swear words! It's kinda funny to look at now, but man was it cathartic back then. WHEW!

I think you're doing great. Recognizing what isn't working is half the battle.

I've shared the analogy before, that recovering from codependence (or any kind of behavior modification, for that matter) is a lot like potty training.

First, you recognize what you have done, after you've already done it. Like the little kid with poop in his pants.

Next, you get to the point where you recognize it as it's happening. Still not exactly the result you want, but progress.

Finally, you recognize it coming on. You are aware of what is about to happen and you can do something about it before you poop your pants, lol.

That last stage is the only one that really, truly feels like success. But, the progress has been happening all along.

L

Zak68

Transform I know the feeling. I spent 3 hours with the AW in her group conseling class. It was hard to be there because I still love her. I see the spark in her eyes and part of me is thinking, "What if she really is healing this time. Do I want to give it all up?"

That's when I think about the last 2-3 weeks since her suicide attempt and her being in rehab. I come home, spend time with the kids. I don't have to worry if she will get drunk tonight. I don't have to worry if she will get drunk this weekend. I don't have to worry about her having an episode that takes all my time and energy to the extent that I ignore my children.

My life is dramaless without her around. I am more at peace with me. I spend time with my kids and we are laughing again.

I am curing myself of my addiction to her and her problems. I am living the life I want to live and starting to be happy about who I am.

The trust is gone between us and even if she does heal I don't want her back. I can never trust her again after everything. I will miss my friend. I will miss her in many ways but when I am older and grayer (both now, hehe) I am confident I will look back at my life and the life my children are living and be happy with my choice. Does it mean the time between now and then won't be hard? Nope, I expect many bumps along the way but they aren't nearly as bad as the bumps she laid in front of me.

GiveLove

So I think what LTD and I are both saying is, "Keep trying to stay away from the sh**."

Sorry, couldnt' resist.

You're doing great, transform. Keep practicing. As a wise person once told me, "Practice makes permanent."

TakingCharge999

I guess until the pain is enough and you can't take any more of it -hitting bottom- the only way out is up!

Just remembering those days and months of misery is enough for me not to go back to the old train of thought.

I may be lucky because I got several reminders of how this person is still drinking like hell.

And with that I know nothing worthy is going on in his life (at least not worthy for TC999).

History is bound to repeat itself, gladly not with me anymore playing The Doormat!!

Then nice things start to happen and you can actually feel like the good old self you were before madness, and you know you are better off outside all that... really, just remembering a particulary bad night, or a comment or remark are more than enough to stay away.

I agree its practice!!!!!! It gets much easier, hang in there.

harleyd101

WAY TO GO TRANSFORMYSELF!!!! That's awesome!!! Everytime my mind starts to drift over to the insanity, I just say to myself "NOT MY BUSINESS"!!! It's been working, and I keep busy with school, family, and meetings. I read alot from my Al-anon book. Everyday I'm trying to do one thing for me, just for me. I also do an alphabet gratitude list in my mind, naming something for every letter of the alphabet that I am grateful for today. The "P" is always peace!!!! I have my down moments, and they pass. Feelings are just feelings, and they change from minute to minute. I just try to feel them, and let them subside as they will. I also have allowed myself the freedom of tears...I used to think I was an idiot crying over this man, because I've cried a lake, as most of us here have. I'm not crying over him, I'm crying over the loss of a dream, a dream that had a hard death. There are five stages of grief....I am out of denial. That's the first one, the first step. There is a clarity to my life that I haven't had in nine years. The first gift that God has given me. My faith is strong, and I pray out the guilt and the shame when it hits me. I can't save him...hell, I barely was able to save myself. I'm not that powerful. Only God is. Hang on honey, your doing a great job!! Just for today!!!

Jadmack25

It is a minute by minute, hour by hour, then day by day slog for a while. Keeping your mind as busy as can be on various tasks can sure help.
It may be handy for a woman with family to be able to think about, and do several things at once, but it doesn't help trying to cut our A from our mind. Damn!!!

Men are supposed to be able to only do a couple of things simultaneously, and as we know so well A's only have 1 in their brain, "more of my DOC".

One thing I do know is that when I went NC with ABF last year, I had the cleanest unit, to the point that when I moved out, it didn't take much cleaning for the real estate inspection. Well, that was a real bonus to go with ABF having sobered up and gone into a recovery program, ...BY and FOR HIMSELF.

Make a promise to yourself to take a breather if you get the urge to contact him, or answer his rants. Have a paper copy of your posts, a journal and maybe some messages to yourself, close by and read them when you feel you are slipping. If that doesn't work then go phone someone you trust to support you, and talk to them.

I used an old friend from years ago in Alanon, and she kept me from breaking my promise to me, many times.

One of the hassles I had with ABF was all HIS broken promises to me, and I was determined that I was NOT going to be let down again, by breaking promises to MYSELF.

Keep on as you have been, Transform because you may not see how far you have come from where you were, but I certainly can, and it is AWESOME.

God bless

transformyself

Thank you everyone
I am feeling quite good, keeping track of my feelings.
Broken promise is right. That's what I can count on. In fact, we should start a What I Can Count On From My A thread. Is there one already?

And LTD thank you so much for this