txfan77

I have had five dates with a man and I am wondering if he is an alcoholic. Every single Friday night he starts drinking at home alone around 6 p.m. He stays up all night playing online poker and drinking and normally goes to bed about 9 the next morning. The past three Friday nights he has called me and talked to me on the phone for hours - he tells me really personal things that are bothering him. I in turn talk to him about a lot of intimate things that I am thinking. (I realize it was my choice to talk on the phone for hours and could have turned the phone off). But this past Saturday I figured out - the next day he remembers NOTHING about what we discussed. We went to dinner Saturday and I was explaining to him some things he was telling me and each time I would he would immediately start to withdraw and I realized this and stopped. It feels ridiculous having these late night conversations when he doesn't remember it.

He claims he only does "heavy" drinking one night a week. He said it is a release after a long week at work. He does not consider himself an alcoholic but does admit he is a problem drinker. Is there a difference? At dinner Saturday he had three large beers and three shots. So I guess he does not consider that heavy. I myself have never enjoyed drinking that much - I had one drink and then switched to Diet Coke.

This man and I get along GREAT and have so much fun when we are together. But the Friday night thing really bothers me. Should I be bothered? Monday through Friday he is a teacher, shows up for work, and does not have any problems with that.

I've been reading a lot of these forums about how alcoholics nearly always cannot love some one else because they don't love themselves. I'm wondering if I should stop seeing this man. I hate to jump the gun and bail already when I'm not exactly sure what's going on here, but on the other hand I need to watch out for myself. I am a helping type of person and I could see myself getting frustrated trying to help him if he does indeed have a problem.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for your help.

justanothrdrunk

Run.

transformyself

Run now.

Pelican

Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!

I am glad you found us and glad that you have found yourself with red flags about this new relationship. Give thanks for the early warning signs and your good sense to notice.

So often we bury the warning signs and make excuses. Just as your friend is making excuses (loong week at work).

I am a recovering alcoholic. The fact that your friend does not recall conversations on Saturday is a sign of blackout drinking. Big Bad Sign! I would bet money that he drinks Saturday through Thursday and hides that fact from you and himself. (It's just a glass of wine with dinner, it's only light beer).

Problem drinker, alcoholic, functional drunk, etc....call it what you will. It is ALCOHOLISM and it is PROGRESSIVE. It gets worse, everytime.

Check out our sticky notes at the top. Check out Alanon meetings. Keep posting your concerns. We're glad you're here!

GiveLove

Do you really want to create a future around someone who drinks to mental blackout and stays up all night playing online poker and doesn't remember your conversations? Who self-medicates with alcohol because "he's had a hard week" ? Who appears to have a gambling problem as well as an alcohol problem? And who already makes excuses to justify his lack of control over alcohol?

By continuing to see him, you are indicating that you two might have a future. Many of the people here say "run" because they recognize you're on the verge of entering a very painful situation. The deeper you get, the harder it will be to break it off.

And alcoholism is a progressive disorder. Really - no kidding - it continues to get worse. Do you want to be married to this guy, or financially enmeshed with him? These are the questions you should ask yourself.

There are a LOT of good people in the world to date who are not alcoholics. As long as you're mixed up with this one, you are not free to find the others, the ones who really will make your life better.

Just my two cents. Since you asked.

BIG hugs to you, txfan. We may sound like a gruff bunch, but it's the gruffness of people who've been in your shoes and don't want you to suffer like they have.

transformyself

Yeah, that's what I meant. Well put!

if you read any of my posts, you'll see the pain I"m enduring and hard work to undo years of enmeshment with an alcoholic. I'd rather see you avoid that all together.
I was raised in an abusive, alcoholic home. So I was programmed to feel bad about myself and blame myself for abuse--which is what you're in for if you engage with this man.

txfan77

Thanks so much for your input. It's hell being a grown-up. ;-)

Chrysalis123

Someone else posted on another thread: Sick people can get other people sick."

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and involves not only the substance but is a spiritual disease involving great selfishness on the part of the addict.

When I got involved with the A in my life I naively thought if it got bad I could get out. Getting involved with him for me was like wading into quick sand. As I got deeper in I became unwell emotionally as I began to do for him what he should be doing for himself and all the other things co-dependents do. 20 years later I was a mess and needed lots of outside help to get out in order to save myself and my kids. Lots of therapy, lots of Alanon, lots of reading and I am beginning to heal.

Your inner warning system is trying to tell you something otherwise you would not have found us. Trust your gut on this one!

PurpleWilder

Walk away. He already has a girlfriend - but she comes in a bottle.

Jadmack25

Friday nights he chats on phone, tells you his deepest thoughts.

Saturday he can't remember Friday night.

How long I wonder before he is drinking more often and blacking out afterwards?

You do NOT need to go there.
YOU DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE.

Many of us have been there, some are still there.

WE have escaped or are getting OUT OF THERE.

You are so lucky, you are dating, not married or living with him.
You can run.

SO RUN,... RUN NOW, ....RUN VERY FAST.

Get the hell out of THERE, because THERE sucks.

God bless

sailorjohn

Another vote for run, or walk away as fast as you can, and don't look back.

harleyd101

OMG! Run as fast as you can!!!

gerryP

Hey TX,

I abused alcohol for about 15 years. I haven't had a drink for over 4 and have absolutely no desire to return to that kind of lifestyle. No way, no how, ever.

Chances are he does drink during the week and 3 large beers and 3 shots IS heavy drinking and oh well, there goes my usual "one night of drinking only".

Maybe alcoholics don't love themselves, maybe they do, maybe they think they do but don't...At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. You can't help anyone who doesn't want your help, so don't even bother entertaining the idea that you will be 'The' one to help him see the light, the error...of his ways....(Insert Harp music).

Run like the Cops Are Chasing You!!