feels as it was all a dream

Old 09-27-2009, 10:40 AM
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Angry feels as it was all a dream

this weekend has been really tough, i am blaming it on the fall...the new season seems to have ushered in a sadness with it, the skys have opened up and rain has been pouring down...exactly what i feel like...empty,grey and full of falling tears......................

came across a photo last night of me and my x addict...we were so happy in the photo...i stood there and stared at it for a long five minutes....i looked at me and went back to that moment of what i was feeling then..and how i am now....at that point that pic was taken i was clueless as to what the caring man next to me would do to me in the next fifteen months...fill me with worries, sleepless nights, trying to find him,to track him down, dealing with his lying and infidelity..yet continueosly promising change and a beuatiful life together-.my heart being torn out by him dumping and abandoning me with not a word, showing not a morsel of regret!

i guess my never endingstruggle is to ask -was it EVER true emotions -or just a game...to get through to the next day...the next fifty bucks i could give him or pay his over due bill, or fish out his truck from the pound.....

he seemed to care! thats what is so hard...or was i just another fool- pulled into an addicts web-used -and then thrown away...?

is manipulation always thier game? 24-7?
is it always about looking how to use someone/to get to the only thing they care about-crack?

is it possible in active addiction to give a $%#@*& about anything else other than using? he sure put on a good show? he fooled many around him and me included....not forever though..the red flags started not only to pop up but to wave in my face..and thats why i have nt turned back and chased or looked for him after 4 months of him vanishing...i guess there comes a time when u just realize its done..and with addiction there is not a thing one can do..but to save yourself while you still can...

the emotional and psychological damage this man has done to me will take more than just months to repair........I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS i was a naiive loving caring woman who got so trapped and i guess brainwashed by this man....who literally took advantage...is this something addicts do? sniff out thier next victim- they surely have radar! he picked a good one! he wasnt stupid! he was more clever than most....

does crack convalute someone so much they just dont care?????????
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Old 09-27-2009, 10:52 AM
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Ann
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You weren't stupid then and you're not stupid now, just a little wiser for the lessons learned.

Now go take a look in the mirror and tell the person looking back at you that you have just gone from being a victim to being a survivor and keep walking forward to better days ahead.

Nobody can steal our courage, and that's all we need to keep taking care of ourselves.

Hugs
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Old 09-27-2009, 11:38 AM
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Originally Posted by bluebella View Post
does crack convalute someone so much they just dont care?????????
Yeah, absolutely. Today, I try to think of it as being a nightmare. Not blaming, mind you, it is just what they do.

For an addict/alcoholic, the doc is everything.
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Old 09-27-2009, 12:12 PM
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for me, while in active addiction, i cared but once using, the drug seemed to take over, it was just so hard for me to make the decision to do the right thing. its good that you have decided to let go and move forward. unless he seeks help and follow through on a solid path of recovery, even if he does show up one day, you'll have more of what you already have in him and it will continue to get worse.

try not to beat yourself up, i'm sure you didn't just decide you were accepting this kind of life. i agree, you are a survivor and not a victim. you are a prize to be won and its sad that he hasn't realized it yet. you and yours are in my prayers.
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Old 09-27-2009, 12:55 PM
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Bella,

Try, if you can, to forgive him.

He's sick.
Imagine having your life taken over by a horrible drug.
Imagine what it must be like to hurt the people who love you.
Imagine what a lonely existence it must be.
You may feel used (undoubtedly, you were) but whatever you lost is nothing compared to what it must be like to be an addict in throws of addiction.
His addiction isn't a reflection on you.

Focus on your blessings !
Your on the road to recovery even if you feel a little blue today.

Hugs
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Old 09-28-2009, 08:47 AM
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"forget about the past, the future looks better"
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Old 09-28-2009, 10:06 AM
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The thing about dreams are that you do wake up and today
is today and what you want to make of it. Our reality is totally
up to us, if we accept what is then we flow through with acceptance.

Acceptance allows us to participate in the world such as it is, we can
make so much happen when we surrender to the fact that we aren't
in control of anyone else other than ourselves.

It isn't an easy task, yet is doable, give yourself the greatest gift
that you can and live life on life's terms.

Clear away all the fantasy and you will find that you are still you,
someone out there is waiting for you, give yourself that freedom
and beautiful things will come your way.

lauren
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Old 09-29-2009, 11:13 AM
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just wanted to say i hope your having a better day today bella
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Old 09-29-2009, 12:24 PM
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sweet of you, thank you lost84... a tiny bit better.... its his bday tomrrow so my thoughts of him have amplified.....
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Old 09-29-2009, 03:43 PM
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i looked at me and went back to that moment of what i was feeling then..and how i am now....at that point that pic was taken i was clueless as to what the caring man next to me would do to me in the next fifteen months
Try not to feel bad about this. Even when you DO know what the addict has in store for you, you can still get burned (LIKE ME).

was it EVER true emotions -or just a game...
Probably both.

he seemed to care!
He probably did but he is not able to be what we want him to be.) I'm using the collective "he" because we ALL are talking about the same guy, just a different name, aren't we?

thats what is so hard...or was i just another fool- pulled into an addicts web-used -and then thrown away...?
That's one way of looking at it. But, when I think this way I have to keep telling myself the world does not revolve around me. He is him and I am me and we all live in our own little worlds, our own brains. He is only doing what he is doing to HIMSELF. Leave you out of it. Once you start thinking this way, you will be better able to detach emotionally and better equipped to deal with and identify this nonsense we call "love".

is manipulation always thier game? 24-7? is it always about looking how to use someone/to get to the only thing they care about-crack?
Basically, yes. Sad to say.

is it possible in active addiction to give a $%#@*& about anything else other than using?
Depends on how far they've gone if you ask me. My last one seemed to be half dead but he climbed out of it. But, of course, he jumped back into that deep, deadly hole...

he sure put on a good show? he fooled many around him and me included....
Sweetheart, try to think of it this way: He fooled HIMSELF and is fooling himself. And anyone who chooses to be in his world is as painfully fooled as he is.

the emotional and psychological damage this man has done to me will take more than just months to repair........
Take back your feelings and take back your thoughts. Then, close the door.

I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS i was a naiive loving caring woman who got so trapped and i guess brainwashed by this man....who literally took advantage...is this something addicts do?
It feels this way, doesn't it? You were not brainwashed, none of us were. You trapped yourself with your feelings and your desires. You can now untrap yourself, break free.
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Old 09-30-2009, 10:20 AM
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thank you..Learn2Live,

i am finally after 4 months, at the angry stage,no more tears left...just beaten and bruised- emotionally.... the pain of missing him is gone but what he was capable of doing by disappearing will be something i will never forget.... i am looking after me..now....he needs to look after him...............
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