feels as it was all a dream
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: CANADA
Posts: 24
feels as it was all a dream
this weekend has been really tough, i am blaming it on the fall...the new season seems to have ushered in a sadness with it, the skys have opened up and rain has been pouring down...exactly what i feel like...empty,grey and full of falling tears......................
came across a photo last night of me and my x addict...we were so happy in the photo...i stood there and stared at it for a long five minutes....i looked at me and went back to that moment of what i was feeling then..and how i am now....at that point that pic was taken i was clueless as to what the caring man next to me would do to me in the next fifteen months...fill me with worries, sleepless nights, trying to find him,to track him down, dealing with his lying and infidelity..yet continueosly promising change and a beuatiful life together-.my heart being torn out by him dumping and abandoning me with not a word, showing not a morsel of regret!
i guess my never endingstruggle is to ask -was it EVER true emotions -or just a game...to get through to the next day...the next fifty bucks i could give him or pay his over due bill, or fish out his truck from the pound.....
he seemed to care! thats what is so hard...or was i just another fool- pulled into an addicts web-used -and then thrown away...?
is manipulation always thier game? 24-7?
is it always about looking how to use someone/to get to the only thing they care about-crack?
is it possible in active addiction to give a $%#@*& about anything else other than using? he sure put on a good show? he fooled many around him and me included....not forever though..the red flags started not only to pop up but to wave in my face..and thats why i have nt turned back and chased or looked for him after 4 months of him vanishing...i guess there comes a time when u just realize its done..and with addiction there is not a thing one can do..but to save yourself while you still can...
the emotional and psychological damage this man has done to me will take more than just months to repair........I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS i was a naiive loving caring woman who got so trapped and i guess brainwashed by this man....who literally took advantage...is this something addicts do? sniff out thier next victim- they surely have radar! he picked a good one! he wasnt stupid! he was more clever than most....
does crack convalute someone so much they just dont care?????????
came across a photo last night of me and my x addict...we were so happy in the photo...i stood there and stared at it for a long five minutes....i looked at me and went back to that moment of what i was feeling then..and how i am now....at that point that pic was taken i was clueless as to what the caring man next to me would do to me in the next fifteen months...fill me with worries, sleepless nights, trying to find him,to track him down, dealing with his lying and infidelity..yet continueosly promising change and a beuatiful life together-.my heart being torn out by him dumping and abandoning me with not a word, showing not a morsel of regret!
i guess my never endingstruggle is to ask -was it EVER true emotions -or just a game...to get through to the next day...the next fifty bucks i could give him or pay his over due bill, or fish out his truck from the pound.....
he seemed to care! thats what is so hard...or was i just another fool- pulled into an addicts web-used -and then thrown away...?
is manipulation always thier game? 24-7?
is it always about looking how to use someone/to get to the only thing they care about-crack?
is it possible in active addiction to give a $%#@*& about anything else other than using? he sure put on a good show? he fooled many around him and me included....not forever though..the red flags started not only to pop up but to wave in my face..and thats why i have nt turned back and chased or looked for him after 4 months of him vanishing...i guess there comes a time when u just realize its done..and with addiction there is not a thing one can do..but to save yourself while you still can...
the emotional and psychological damage this man has done to me will take more than just months to repair........I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS i was a naiive loving caring woman who got so trapped and i guess brainwashed by this man....who literally took advantage...is this something addicts do? sniff out thier next victim- they surely have radar! he picked a good one! he wasnt stupid! he was more clever than most....
does crack convalute someone so much they just dont care?????????
You weren't stupid then and you're not stupid now, just a little wiser for the lessons learned.
Now go take a look in the mirror and tell the person looking back at you that you have just gone from being a victim to being a survivor and keep walking forward to better days ahead.
Nobody can steal our courage, and that's all we need to keep taking care of ourselves.
Hugs
Now go take a look in the mirror and tell the person looking back at you that you have just gone from being a victim to being a survivor and keep walking forward to better days ahead.
Nobody can steal our courage, and that's all we need to keep taking care of ourselves.
Hugs
for me, while in active addiction, i cared but once using, the drug seemed to take over, it was just so hard for me to make the decision to do the right thing. its good that you have decided to let go and move forward. unless he seeks help and follow through on a solid path of recovery, even if he does show up one day, you'll have more of what you already have in him and it will continue to get worse.
try not to beat yourself up, i'm sure you didn't just decide you were accepting this kind of life. i agree, you are a survivor and not a victim. you are a prize to be won and its sad that he hasn't realized it yet. you and yours are in my prayers.
try not to beat yourself up, i'm sure you didn't just decide you were accepting this kind of life. i agree, you are a survivor and not a victim. you are a prize to be won and its sad that he hasn't realized it yet. you and yours are in my prayers.
Bella,
Try, if you can, to forgive him.
He's sick.
Imagine having your life taken over by a horrible drug.
Imagine what it must be like to hurt the people who love you.
Imagine what a lonely existence it must be.
You may feel used (undoubtedly, you were) but whatever you lost is nothing compared to what it must be like to be an addict in throws of addiction.
His addiction isn't a reflection on you.
Focus on your blessings !
Your on the road to recovery even if you feel a little blue today.
Hugs
Try, if you can, to forgive him.
He's sick.
Imagine having your life taken over by a horrible drug.
Imagine what it must be like to hurt the people who love you.
Imagine what a lonely existence it must be.
You may feel used (undoubtedly, you were) but whatever you lost is nothing compared to what it must be like to be an addict in throws of addiction.
His addiction isn't a reflection on you.
Focus on your blessings !
Your on the road to recovery even if you feel a little blue today.
Hugs
Guest
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2,968
The thing about dreams are that you do wake up and today
is today and what you want to make of it. Our reality is totally
up to us, if we accept what is then we flow through with acceptance.
Acceptance allows us to participate in the world such as it is, we can
make so much happen when we surrender to the fact that we aren't
in control of anyone else other than ourselves.
It isn't an easy task, yet is doable, give yourself the greatest gift
that you can and live life on life's terms.
Clear away all the fantasy and you will find that you are still you,
someone out there is waiting for you, give yourself that freedom
and beautiful things will come your way.
lauren
is today and what you want to make of it. Our reality is totally
up to us, if we accept what is then we flow through with acceptance.
Acceptance allows us to participate in the world such as it is, we can
make so much happen when we surrender to the fact that we aren't
in control of anyone else other than ourselves.
It isn't an easy task, yet is doable, give yourself the greatest gift
that you can and live life on life's terms.
Clear away all the fantasy and you will find that you are still you,
someone out there is waiting for you, give yourself that freedom
and beautiful things will come your way.
lauren
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
i looked at me and went back to that moment of what i was feeling then..and how i am now....at that point that pic was taken i was clueless as to what the caring man next to me would do to me in the next fifteen months
was it EVER true emotions -or just a game...
he seemed to care!
thats what is so hard...or was i just another fool- pulled into an addicts web-used -and then thrown away...?
is manipulation always thier game? 24-7? is it always about looking how to use someone/to get to the only thing they care about-crack?
is it possible in active addiction to give a $%#@*& about anything else other than using?
he sure put on a good show? he fooled many around him and me included....
the emotional and psychological damage this man has done to me will take more than just months to repair........
I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS i was a naiive loving caring woman who got so trapped and i guess brainwashed by this man....who literally took advantage...is this something addicts do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: CANADA
Posts: 24
thank you..Learn2Live,
i am finally after 4 months, at the angry stage,no more tears left...just beaten and bruised- emotionally.... the pain of missing him is gone but what he was capable of doing by disappearing will be something i will never forget.... i am looking after me..now....he needs to look after him...............
i am finally after 4 months, at the angry stage,no more tears left...just beaten and bruised- emotionally.... the pain of missing him is gone but what he was capable of doing by disappearing will be something i will never forget.... i am looking after me..now....he needs to look after him...............
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