soulsurvivor

I'm new to this and not sure if I'm posting this in the right spot but I am desperate for some advise or insight from others. A little background on me. I am a 35 yr old single mother of a 6 yr old boy.
I was raised by my mother as my father is an addict. My moms dad was a raging alcoholic who abused her and my grandmother in everyway.
i have an older brother and we grew up in a dont speak act like nothings wrong household. I left home at 17, moved 3000 miles away and went to college,, First one in my family to ever go to college.
It seems like I came out of my mothers stomach screaming "what the heck is going on here"... I was always silenced... called the trouble maker ect. Even as a young child my dysfunctional family seemed foreign to me.. its seemed wrong and no one was interested in fixing anything.
i got my degree in social work and came back to my family in 2000. the dysfunction was even MORE obvious now that I was educated.. I slowly slid back into the role of ingoring the obvious and keeping my mouth shut about anything and everything.. went back to Not being able to express myself at the threat of my mother that if i said anything it would be my fault.
I ended up getting pregnant and having a child soon after my move back home. his father turned out to be an addict too... AMAZING how this cycle thing works.... so I've strictly limited my sons contact with his father and his family due to EXTREME dysfunction, some abuse and dangerous living environment.
last year i had finally had it.. my brother did something that "hurt my feelings" and i wanted to let him know. i sent him an email expressing my hurt. he flipped out and called me everyname in the book.. this of course lead to many more emails of us bashing eachother.
since the day my son was born he has grown up with my niece and nephew.. they are all a year apart and have basically been raised as siblings.
Due to our fight my brother decided my son, was no longer allowed to see his cousins... My son cried everyday begging me to take him to play and i had to make stupid excuses to try and lessen the pain. my mother's response was "Well what did you expect him to do with the way you acted?" my resonse.. " I thought we would talk it out like adult and him not take out his fit on a 5 yr old boy".... My family has not spoken since. I was not allowed to tell anyone about this...per my mom... cause I would be starting drama.. after a year.. i had some ppl like my aunt and gpa asked why things were stressed.. NOthing had been said in a year.
I finally started to reach out to my father, my grandma, and an aunt about what my brother had done,,, my mother has supported,, and the pain my son has endured... at that time they all said they supported me. next thing i know they talk to my mom and now they are on her side..
ITS ALL MY FAULT FOR TEARING APART THE FAMILY... I need to appoligize and fix things.. I dont know how many times i can say I DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG!! it is not a crime to express my feelingss.... well it is in my family obviously...
its been over a year and me and my son have been taken in by Wonderful friends of mine.. my son has NO biological family connections.. in a way it breaks my heart yet my Brain tells me they are toxic and I am saving him from the same drama i grew up with..,
My family would never appoligize or change there thinking...so thats not an option.. ive basically decided to move on and accept the fact that we are orphans..
What do you guys think??

tjp613

I have many friends that are much more like family to me than my actual family members are!!! My parents are dead and I have one sister with whom I have never been very close. We are just soooo different and things are always kind of tense between us. It is MY opinion that just because you share some DNA doesn't mean your family is the best source of love and support! After all, isn't that what it means to be a family? If you are not getting those things from them, then what is the point of being involved? You can't choose your family, but you do get to decide whether or not they are worth your time and emotional energy. Sorry if that seems harsh, I just don't know how else to put it. Your family doesn't seem healthy to me -- pitting one against the other or raging because you expressed your feelings or separating children who love each other -- none of that sounds like something I'd ever want to be a part of.

TakingCharge999

Your post made me remember some uncles, to this day they think my mom is a failure for being divorced, for being alone and they always break their promises. Always. I recall harsh remarks about me when I was a child... and today they compare my travels and studies with my cousins'... what for? I don't know...

Family is people who make you smile and enhance your life and support you... many times blood ties mean nothing, a moderator called GiveLove around here understands me more than my dad does LOL

We can't change people but we can know them and discern if they are welcome in our lives or not...

Also another thing, do you believe in god or a higher power that cares about you even if it does not feel like it many times? when I have felt alone I support myself in God and I know I have never been alone, whatever happens. Perhaps you have similar beliefs?

I hope you can find more people who you can consider family, today you can count on all the SR members this is a GREAT site, I am glad you found us!

Freedom1990

You could very well have written this about my childhood! Although I had no alcoholics in my immediate family/home, my dad is the untreated adult child of two alcoholic parents (who died within a year of each other while he was still in high school). My mother is an untreated codependent, as is my brother. There is a long line of alcoholism/addiction on both sides of the family.

My parents can also be very toxic, and there have been many times I've completely gone no contact.

It's been through years of participation in 12 step programs, and individual counseling/therapy that I have been able to address family issues, and in essence, to parent myself. There is still that scared little girl inside of me who needs to be loved and validated!

If you haven't read it already, I'd suggest the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. There is also a book called "Healing The Child Within" by Charles Whitfield, MD, that also helped me get started on my own path of recovery early on.

I know how bad it hurts to have such toxic family members. :ghug2 :ghug2

Chrysalis123

Welcome. You may want to post this on the Adult Children section of this forum as well for additional support.

I am so sorry this has happened to you and your precious son. I see such strength in your post and wish you the best with your new family. Your son is lucky to have you. You are managing to break the cycle!
:ghug3

soulsurvivor

alot of ppl have been lecturing me on "forgiveness"...i ddnt think there was any greater pain than watching my sons father choosing drugs over him.. until my family, particurally my mother did this to my son. ... my brother and i have never been particurally close but i kinda was my moms protector. i knew of her horrible childhood and understand WHY she is the way she is.. i always stood up for her.. made sure no one took adv of her because she did not have a voice.. my HEART is broken that SHE could do this to my son... as a small child her form of punishment was ignoring us.. turning off her love. LOVE was very conditional in my house.. and while she did this to me ,,, not to sound stupid.. i NEVER thought she would do this to my son... WHat she has done to him is unforgiveable....
it is pointless for me to forgive or appoligize as I didnt do anything wrong.. and there is no reward for me to forget and go back to the family.. they are stead fast in their beliefs,, they wont go to counseling.. they are not interested in doing things differently.. there is NOT positive motivator for me to go back to that...
maybe forgiveness will come in time for me.. but i have no desire to go back to living like that or for my son to grow up thinking that dysfunction is healthy..
its been over a year and i am still sooo hurt and angry i cry at the drop of a dime and feel like i could physically hurt them for what they have done to myi son..
i went to counseling for a while and the therapist and all my friends tell me I am making the best choice.. it just still hurts so bad..
how do you forgive someone who wont appoligize, dont think they did anything wrong, and is not interested in changin their ways???

Freedom1990

Love was conditional when I was growing up too, and has continued to be off and on. When I ended up pregnant with my youngest daughter, my mother did another one of her 'disowning' acts, and went absolutely no contact with me for over 6 months.

I can't give you a simple formula for forgiveness. It still does hurt at times when I think about it. However I have found through the years in working my own recovery, the anger has left for the most part. That does NOT mean I put myself in positions to be hurt anymore by thinking things will be any different with them. There is a difference between forgiveness, and not forgetting in order to keep healthy boundaries for me.

I will never ever get an apology from my mother for anything, nor do I expect one. If nothing else, I am sad for her because she will never know her full potential as a human being, and stays locked in her own world of anger just under the surface, and the inability to ever admit she's wrong.

dothi

Hell ya it's a crime! It's a major crime in my family too. What? You have a need/opinion? Let's shut it up. It's pretty darn inconvenient to the power hierarchy and drinking/codependency dynamic we've got rolling already.

As a social worker you've probably heard of the family roles in a dysfunctional family already. It sounds like your family labeled you with "scapegoat" the day you were born. They punish you for having your own needs. It's just not convenient for them to acknowledge.

You're not alone in this, soulsurvivor. This was my sister as well (I was the golden child). Nothing she ever said or did was right. It was almost like it was vindictive of her (a child for christ's sake!) to express her own needs and opinions. "Oh how can you do this? How can you have your own feelings? Don't you realize how much more important MY needs and feelings are?" (paraphrasing AF here)

I think you are very wise, as none of this is healthy. However you do need support. You will need coping skills for managing without that family support. I don't want to guilt you, but as an ACOA this really speaks out to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by soulsurvivor

my mother's response was "Well what did you expect him to do with the way you acted?"

Don't pass the message of dysfunction on by blaming your son either. He'll be getting the same mixed messages you've always hated, because in his heart he knows he didn't do anything that bad to drive his cousins away. You're teaching his that he's wrong to express his feelings - that he misses his cousins. There is still a better way to deal with this than to teach him that he shouldn't have any needs either. Why not just tell him that his uncle has decided to be angry at both of you (effectively) and cut you guys off? Tell your son that his cousins probably feel the same way, so it's really pretty mean of uncle to make such this kind of decision. In the meantime, we'll have to work on making new friends. End point: give your son options to grow and move forward. Don't just shut him down.

You're not in an easy position by any means, soulsurvivor, but you are among many wise folks here. Many here are parents who deal with the same push-pull-failure dynamic you've just experienced. Feel free to ask questions. Take what you like and leave the rest. Kudos to you for having the courage to reach out!

soulsurvivor

he has asked about his grandma, and uncle and cousins.. i told him that grandma and uncle did something that REALLY hurt my feeling and they need to appoligize..he sees me crying and knows i"M hurt.. not necessarily angry..he says hes wishes they would say sorry but if they dont then he doesnt want to talk to them...

My son is very shy and introverted. OPPOSITE of me.. i constantly STRESS to him that his voice is his MOST powerful tool.. he can say anything he wants to express himself.. not to be mean but to be honest... i constantly tell him.. we may not always agree but i will ALWAYS love you,......

dothi

re: forgiveness. I found this little gem of advice in Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward and Craig Buck:

At this point you may be asking yourself, "Isn't the first step to forgive my parents?" My answer is no. This may shock, anger, dismay, or confuse many of you. Most of us have been led to believe exactly the opposite - that forgiveness is the first step towards healing. In fact, it is not necessary to forgive your parents in order to feel better about yourself and to change your life!
... forgiveness... can actually impede progress rather than enhance it.


Following is a section on "the forgiveness trap". The authors talk about how hopeful some clients are that if they can just figure out how to forgive their parents, their pain will be healed. Instead this leads to a trap of guilt. That maybe you haven't forgiven your parents enough. I really recommend this book, soulsurvivor. It may hit a lot of points it sounds like you've been struggling with lately.

Freedom1990

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I have very strong feelings on involving children in adult issues. Your son is only 6 years old. Please at least reconsider how you are approaching your pain with him.

After many years of therapy, I saw where unresolved and repressed emotional baggage had been passed on from generation to generation, and I had in fact taken on much of my mother's own "stuff" that wasn't even mine!

I encourage you to get some counseling for yourself and your son.

soulsurvivor

i told him that because I dont want to lie to him OR act like theres nothing wrong.. when you go from seeing ppl several times a week to not at all.. obviously somethings changed...im not going to say OH there just busy or there working.. its been over a year...that was the simpleist thing i could thing of without telling him the gorey details..
I'll be happy to hear what others think i should say to him...
same thing with his father for two years i pulled the Daddys working and too busy to visit lie... until i finally told him his dad is sick and when he is sick he doesnt make very good choices...
when things are temporary i'm willing to BS him but this has been over a year and he kept asking questions...

i am truly here to hear everyones opinion.. i am not offended by anyones advise.. i NEED to hear various points of view... thanks guys.

catlovermi

What you can't change is them.

What you can change is the people you surround yourself with.

I spent two decades in my early adult years assembling a hand-picked "stable" of Adopted Family that has been one of the greatest blessings, ever.

The wonderful thing is I had the ability to choose people who had characteristics I wanted in a Family, Friend or Myself. So I surrounded myself with healthy, educated, functional, generous, loving, devoted, wise people.

There are how many billions of people in the world? The great thing is YOU have the choice to choose them for your life. Go places where the types of people you want will be: classes, play groups, hobby groups, interest groups, volunteering, etc.

Don't be afraid to drop the USUAL PARADIGM if it isn't working for you and go on to a NEW ONE. Set yourself free from self-imposed slavery.

Sending encouragement,

CLMI

Pelican

Why is your happiness contingent on their doing something? Do you see that you have taught your son the same lesson?
"I can be happy if they ________"

I have learned that I need to forgive others, even if they do not ask for forgiveness. I need to forgive so that I can let go of the resentment. I practice forgiveness in this manner: "I forgive you (name) for not being what I wanted you to be. I forgive you and set you free"

I can not control other's actions. I am only in control of my life. I choose to live in serenity to the best of my ability. Letting go of past resentments, through forgiveness, has helped me in my journey.

soulsurvivor

thier appology is not contigent on my happiness.. there appoligy means THEY get it"!! what they did and how seriously their behaviors affect me and my son.
I've moved on.. its not that I'm not happy.. I'm indifferent..
I know i dont have the market on forgiveness.. I've had 100 ppl tell me "just forgive them" its not that easy for me..
also the reason i am focusing on feelings of hurt as opposed to anger regarding my son is the same reason i did it with his fathers addiction. if I speak meanly, call names act angry it becomes my fault.. my anger.. my decision..
if i focus on hurt feelings.. then he can see my compassion, my WANT to have things better but it puts the ball in THIER court...