justtakestime

This is my first post.....I apologize if it's long.....


I am 35 years old and have been married to my AH for 17 years. I will give you just a brief past history. Verbal abuse to me and the children, flying food, flying objects, broken coffee tables, broken chairs, waking up in the middle of the night to a room fulled of marijuana smoke, drug paraphenalia laying around, beer bottles everywhere, lonliness, sadness, hurt, ...etc, etc....but most important of all....broken hearts and dreams.

On December 30th 2008, the night after I had seen my AH providing and smoking pot with our 15 year old son.........my AH drives up in the yard and tells our son to go inside and tell me that he's going to rehab and then peels out of the driveway drunk and high!!! "What?" "Rehab?" I am totally confused!!! I call him and tell him to quit acting stupid and come back home. I try and chase him in my car to see where the heck he is REALLY going. But I don't find him and he won't answer his phone. Once again, I am left, alone, confused, crushed, hurt and crying... begging God to bring him back home safely.............which was a normal routine for me. He ended up at his sisters and told me that she was taking him to rehab. I was so numb that I just said ok and cried myself to sleep.

The next morning I call and see what the plan is....there isn't one of course. So I get on the phone with the insurance company and find him a place to go....that is...if he's serious about going. He says he is, so I go and pick him up and drive him to the nearby town and he admits himself into a 28 day rehab program. I had NO IDEA what I had to look forward to. But here I was, New Years Eve, no husband, 2 kids, no 2nd income (when it was there), confused, hurt, lonely, wondering what I had done to set him off this time....

I decided on January 1st after lots of praying and soul searching that I had to pull up my boot straps and try and keep things halfway normal and routine for the kids.........however I did not realize how much our lives had NOT been normal and routine. The kids were GREAT!!!! I had to rearrange my schedule at work so that we could go to family counseling and visitation every time we were allowed. My employer was AWESOME in letting me do that. I was soooo excited about my AH getting better and us having a new life. Then reality started......the phone calls during detox were horrible. He blamed me for putting him in a such a bad place where they treat him so bad....etc,etc... I felt horrible!!!! But I had started Alanon and THANK GOD was learning about this disease with the help of other experienced women. I told him I loved him and would hang up. A couple of weeks went by and finally the verbally abusive phone calls stopped. Now he could really get better.....so I thought.

Soooooooo, to make a long story short, I basically remodled the house while he was gone (painting, redecorating, cleaning etc.) and made sure that there was a Lord's Prayer and Serenity Prayer in EVERY room!!!!!!! We were ready for our new husband/dad. HA!!!!

He tried and it lasted about 3 months....then, May 1st 2009 he disappeared and didn't show up to take care of our daughter so I could go to work. I had been up ALL night worried sick about him. Wondering where he was, what he was doing, if he was okay, if he was drinking or using....... I had to take my daughter to work with me because I had no one to watch her. I decided to go home for lunch and when I drove up......there he was.... I walked in the house and found him drunk in the bed. I knew he had relapsed and that was okay...we would get through this together....so I thought. I put my hand on his shoulder and like a bad dream........the verbal abuse began!!!! That's when I looked at him and said get your stuff and go find somewhere else to stay, then I left and went back to work. When I got home from work, he was gone and so was some of his stuff.....I actually had a sense of relief......

So the last few months have been more relapses, more rehabs and detox centers, and even a few mental health admissions. Thank God I carry him on my really good health insurance. But he has exhausted all of his substance abuse admissions....there are none left that will be covered. He has been living with his sister and we lost our house.......

As for me.......I got an apartment, put all his things in storage (he even helped me move) I am happy, I am serene, I am at peace, I am gaining back my self confidence.....just last weekend when I saw him and he told me to file for a divorce for the thousandth time and called me a B****!!! I smiled and walked away, and then called my attorney.

So now that he knows I am filing for divorce he is trying to be Mr. Super Husband/Super Dad. He hasn't drank in 75 days. He tells me that he spends every night praying and trying to figure out how to make me fall in love with him again. He wants his wife and family back.....he says. He tells me that he feels like I have ripped his heart out, he tells me I'm being mean, he asks me why I don't tell him I love him anymore or show him affection.....all this since I told him I was filing for divorce. And I tell him that I am scared to death to let him back into my heart, my life, my home. And that now he's feeling how I felt all these years.......now the shoe is on the other foot. He called today and told me that he bought me a birthday present and a cake. He's NEVER done that!!! My birthday is Monday and I have always been lucky just to get a Happy Birthday. Also, last week when he was at my house I found a picture of him and another girl on his phone that he talks to and texts quite often. When confronted about it he still proclaims that they are just "recovering" friends. Whatever!!!!

I'm not angry, or sad.......I feel like I'm past that. Am I numb? Am I done? Is he just seeing the serenity in my home and wanting back in HIS "comfort zone"? Do I give him a chance? Do I allow him to try? It's hard for me to ever want a relationship with him again.....How long will this "good husband" last?????????????

Thanks for listening.............I do appreciate any opinions....especially from experienced people.

wanting

Who can really say if you should give him chance? If you do, you shouldn't let him back into your home for a long time. I'd be hesitant about his recovery because of all the blame he's putting on you. You're ripping his heart out? Where is the personal responsibility for what he's put you through?

Pelican

Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!

You will find lots of support and information here. Many people have been where you are now. I'm glad you are attending Alanon meetings. The face to face support is wonderful.

I noticed from your post that your AH was able to stay clean and sober about 3 months previously. I suggest that you keep your boundaries and let him prove that he can do 6 - 12 months of recovery work before you let him back into your home/santuary. You may want to wait 2 - 3 years, too.

Alcoholics can stop drinking for periods of time, even 90 days, even years. It's the behavior that has to change to keep the alcoholic sober and in recovery.

Your AH has exhausted all of his options, medically and financially. He wants his cushion to fall onto again. He wants you to make everything okay again. You have always been his caregiver for 17 years, he will say and do anything to get you back as his enabler. It sounds like he is using blame and guilt, and trying to manipulate you to get what he wants.

What do you want? What kind of home life do you want for yourself and your children?

justtakestime

Well, he's texting again today.....he's coming over to spend time with our daughter. I'm at work, I work two sixteen hour shifts at the hospital on Saturday and Sunday. He's being so sweet, wanting to know if I got any rest last night, if I need him to bring me anything, how I'm doing. It's so like the disease!!!! But, unfortunately for him, I have built a wall...I do not want to be hurt, degraded, or live in the clutches of his disease. I don't think he realizes how FAR away from a relationship with me he is (if ever). I find myself so calm and collected and serene and I LOVE IT!!!!! I have prayed and worked so hard to be at this point. I can't help but be proud of myself for being where I am. I know he's trying but right now I am free from his chaos and so are his children. And as for now I will NOT ride his roller coaster........

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

kermit

After I ask my husband to leave, I let him back in a week later, he came home that weekend smelling of alcohol, looked like he had not showered in a week. I sat on my couch, he in the chair, what I saw was noot what I wnated, I threw my wedding ring and told him I couldn't do it, I had nothing left, no fight in me. I found allanon and SR.
My ex only asked to come home once, and that was after his girlfriend didn't want him any more. I said no, he went into rehab. He says he has been sober ever since,(he lives in ND with his new family)
My choice to get the divirce was the best thing I ever did, I am at peace and very very happy.
Do I miss him? Yes, Do I love him? Always.
But my peace of mind is far more important ro me and my kids,
The choice is yours, keep up with allanon, SR and your prayers, they will be answered,
Good luck and Welcome

AWEDA

I could have written the same story. Watch out he is manipulating you.
It was a long hard road,but I am now divorced and my children and I are putting our lives back together.

Wishing you peace take care.........

transformyself

Thank you for posting this. It helps me to be strong and make healthy choices for myself and my children when i see my story written by a stranger.

What ties us together is the disease of alcoholism and codependancy.

and this
is what I needed to hear this morning because my AH too will promise me the moon. When I believe him and fall for it, I"m sorely disappointed. Every. Single. Time.

Welcome! I"m so glad you're here.

neecey1224

Only believe SUSTAINED actions (MINIMUM 6 CONSECUTIVE months)....not words. Words are meaningless - good, bad, or indifferent. Actions always tell the real truth - when dealing with anyone.

Also, when the motivation for getting his wife and family back is no longer about HIM getting what HE desires, then maybe there is a chance for a healthy relationship. When his focus/priority genuinely shifts off himself - his own needs, his own desires, his own comfort - AGAIN, over a SUSTAINED period of time - its generally a good indicator that emotional health is taking root.