old member, different name, long absence
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 18
old member, different name, long absence
I used to post here under a different name, and also was a greeter. People called me Meg or Meggie. I stopped coming because I felt like everytime I did, my AH relapsed, although I know that is not true, and that superstitions would never have stopped him. The reason I have changed my name for now is so my mother in law does not find me on this site.
I'm back because I am a huge mess.
It's been over a year since I posted. Last July 2008, my AH was at the end of a five or six month relapse that had included him leaving me and our son, then age 4, me filing for divorce, and a whole slew of other horrors. AH found it in him once again to go to rehab. When he got out, things were the best they'd ever been. I had finished school and gotten my first teaching job, so both of us were working for the first time in our marriage, making good money. Stupidly, we decided to try for another baby.
My AH made it to 360 days of sobriety. He relapsed in July, five days before his 1 year birthday. At first, it was the same old, "one time thing" etc. etc. I hoped he had enough recovery under his belt to jump back on the wagon...I was wrong. AH was soon fired from his job for stealing pop cans from the breakroom. He also owed people at work around $400. He was off work for about seven weeks and was blessed to find another job that actally paid more than previous.
I mentioned we wanted another baby. We got pregnant in Feb. and everything was fine. Soon after my AH lost his job (obviously still using) I started having high blood pressure issues. My due date was Oct. 20, but on Sept 3, my OBGYN sent me to the hospital with pre-eclampsia. They delivered my son 7 weeks early and he was in the NICU for 13 days. He's home now.
The reason I am saying I am a mess is because all of this stuff basically hit at once. Stupid me, I never kept up with my own recovery. I never did a thing to be aware, to be prepared for this eventuality. The research I've done online is telling me I am going through post-partum depression which is pretty common for several situations I'm in (baby in NICU, bad marriage etc). I know I'm not eating, of course I'm not sleeping, I'm crying all the time, I'm having thoughts of giving up. My baby wont' nurse well and I can't manage to keep him on his schedule. I feel like a failure, I'm afraid he won't gain weight well and be sent to the NICU again. My older son is crying all the time begging for my attention and I can't give it.
Worst of all is my marriage. I just found out that my AH was using the entire time I was giving birth and in the hospital and after. One day he left me alone inthe hospital after saying some horrible things about how over emotional I was (hello, emergency c-section??) and that same day our phone records indicate he called his dealer 27 times. I know I shouldn't take it all personally but I do. We are back at the craziest place again. He is "sleeping it off" on the couch. I am trying to deal with everything else and I'm trying to protect him from having to do anything and WHY AM I DOING THAT???
I'm so so sick and although I do have an appt with my Dr. to discuss my feelings I really feel like I can't even make it through another second let alone a day or week. I feel worthless and hated by my AH. He said so many evil nasty things to me last night and I can't let them go. My biggest support, which is my Mom, I can't ask to come over today because she and my AH got into it last night and I know if she came it would only make him angry and spiteful at me. I feel so trapped and like four black walls are closing in on me and I feel guilty for asking for any support because AH sees it as weakness that I can't control these emotions.
I thought I was strong when I left here and I'm crawling back here, pathetic and a big loser and full of self-pity which is sick. I hate myself. I'm sorry to those who read this whole post, please don't feel it is neccessary to respond to my pity party, because I KNOW better, but I am just stuck in a hole right now.
Thanks for letting me share.
Meg
I'm back because I am a huge mess.
It's been over a year since I posted. Last July 2008, my AH was at the end of a five or six month relapse that had included him leaving me and our son, then age 4, me filing for divorce, and a whole slew of other horrors. AH found it in him once again to go to rehab. When he got out, things were the best they'd ever been. I had finished school and gotten my first teaching job, so both of us were working for the first time in our marriage, making good money. Stupidly, we decided to try for another baby.
My AH made it to 360 days of sobriety. He relapsed in July, five days before his 1 year birthday. At first, it was the same old, "one time thing" etc. etc. I hoped he had enough recovery under his belt to jump back on the wagon...I was wrong. AH was soon fired from his job for stealing pop cans from the breakroom. He also owed people at work around $400. He was off work for about seven weeks and was blessed to find another job that actally paid more than previous.
I mentioned we wanted another baby. We got pregnant in Feb. and everything was fine. Soon after my AH lost his job (obviously still using) I started having high blood pressure issues. My due date was Oct. 20, but on Sept 3, my OBGYN sent me to the hospital with pre-eclampsia. They delivered my son 7 weeks early and he was in the NICU for 13 days. He's home now.
The reason I am saying I am a mess is because all of this stuff basically hit at once. Stupid me, I never kept up with my own recovery. I never did a thing to be aware, to be prepared for this eventuality. The research I've done online is telling me I am going through post-partum depression which is pretty common for several situations I'm in (baby in NICU, bad marriage etc). I know I'm not eating, of course I'm not sleeping, I'm crying all the time, I'm having thoughts of giving up. My baby wont' nurse well and I can't manage to keep him on his schedule. I feel like a failure, I'm afraid he won't gain weight well and be sent to the NICU again. My older son is crying all the time begging for my attention and I can't give it.
Worst of all is my marriage. I just found out that my AH was using the entire time I was giving birth and in the hospital and after. One day he left me alone inthe hospital after saying some horrible things about how over emotional I was (hello, emergency c-section??) and that same day our phone records indicate he called his dealer 27 times. I know I shouldn't take it all personally but I do. We are back at the craziest place again. He is "sleeping it off" on the couch. I am trying to deal with everything else and I'm trying to protect him from having to do anything and WHY AM I DOING THAT???
I'm so so sick and although I do have an appt with my Dr. to discuss my feelings I really feel like I can't even make it through another second let alone a day or week. I feel worthless and hated by my AH. He said so many evil nasty things to me last night and I can't let them go. My biggest support, which is my Mom, I can't ask to come over today because she and my AH got into it last night and I know if she came it would only make him angry and spiteful at me. I feel so trapped and like four black walls are closing in on me and I feel guilty for asking for any support because AH sees it as weakness that I can't control these emotions.
I thought I was strong when I left here and I'm crawling back here, pathetic and a big loser and full of self-pity which is sick. I hate myself. I'm sorry to those who read this whole post, please don't feel it is neccessary to respond to my pity party, because I KNOW better, but I am just stuck in a hole right now.
Thanks for letting me share.
Meg
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Ahhh, Meggie, welcome home sweetie.
I am so sorry you are going through all this again, and you and your babies are in my prayers.
I don't know what to tell you, so I'll just send big huge hugs and say that I'm glad you came back here. We're walking with you and hope you find a better path soon.
Hugs
I am so sorry you are going through all this again, and you and your babies are in my prayers.
I don't know what to tell you, so I'll just send big huge hugs and say that I'm glad you came back here. We're walking with you and hope you find a better path soon.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome back Meggie. I remember you well because I always call my daughter Meggie and I love the name. I am sorry that you are going through so much right now. But I am glad that you decided to get help. Post-partum depression can be so devastating. Please, please go easy on yourself. You are none of the things that you say you are. You are a person who is hurting. Sending you some big hugs and prayers. And congratulations on the new little one. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: on top of the hill
Posts: 197
Meg,
Please don't hate yourself...hate the disease instead. It must be very difficult for you to have two small children and deal with your ah. Sounds like your mom is a very caring person, maybe you can spend some time with her soon?
My a is also my husband, though we have been seperated for six years. He lives with his agf, I hear they are both recovering. We were a well off family, had it all, now it's all gone. Protect yourself and your children, try to dig as deep into yourself as you can to find one more ounce of strength. Try to stay with your doctor, hopefully he will find the way to help you. And please keep posting, because we all know what addiction can do to a family! There is no one here who thinks you are pathetic and all the other things you have said about yourself. Hang in there, ok?
Big hugs to you Meg, I hope you're in a better place tonight.
Please don't hate yourself...hate the disease instead. It must be very difficult for you to have two small children and deal with your ah. Sounds like your mom is a very caring person, maybe you can spend some time with her soon?
My a is also my husband, though we have been seperated for six years. He lives with his agf, I hear they are both recovering. We were a well off family, had it all, now it's all gone. Protect yourself and your children, try to dig as deep into yourself as you can to find one more ounce of strength. Try to stay with your doctor, hopefully he will find the way to help you. And please keep posting, because we all know what addiction can do to a family! There is no one here who thinks you are pathetic and all the other things you have said about yourself. Hang in there, ok?
Big hugs to you Meg, I hope you're in a better place tonight.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi Meggie, of course I remember you. I'm so glad to have you back with us at SR. I'm so sorry for your situation; you did the right thing by coming here and reaching out. I had post-partum after both my deliveries; it was severe with my second daughter. I remember well the feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred which were exacerbated by fatigue and fluctuating hormones.
Feel free to PM me anytime if you need to talk. Is it possible you could go to your Mom's, since she can't come to your place right now? It sounds like you could use some help - please don't be scared to ask for it.
Thinking of you.
Feel free to PM me anytime if you need to talk. Is it possible you could go to your Mom's, since she can't come to your place right now? It sounds like you could use some help - please don't be scared to ask for it.
Thinking of you.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
(((Meggie)))
Remember, this is a physical illness that's making you feel so down and low.
Please take care of it. It's temporary, it's situational, and many of us have been in the same place you are now at. You can and will get better, but, you must be good to yourself and take care of yourself, starting now.
You have a lot on your plate right now. So, get the help you need from whatever sources you need it from. Meetings, your mom, a doctor, therapy, meds, whatever. Remember to take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Only by doing so can you take care of the little ones who need you. Eat right and exercise daily; read the papers or do sudoko or learn something new; take time to baby yourself -- you are worth it!; and get back in touch with your Higher Power. All of these things are necessary to take care of the whole Meggie. Start by doing just a little bit, and add on, but, do start. Today. And let us know that you are doing so. Because we care.
These are the things that helped me get through the darkest days. They will help you too. I promise.
If you need help taking care of the little ones for a while, well, get that too. That's what *good* parents do; it is not a sign of weakness or that you are a bad mom. It means that you are strong enough to ask for help. That takes courage, and you are a strong, courageous woman. You *will* get through this, just as you have gotten through other difficult periods in your life.
Take it one day at a time, Meggie. And believe in yourself. We do. And you know you can trust us, even if, for right now, you cannot trust yourself. That day will come back again. Do what is right for you, and your self trust will return - sooner than you think.
Shalom!
Remember, this is a physical illness that's making you feel so down and low.
Please take care of it. It's temporary, it's situational, and many of us have been in the same place you are now at. You can and will get better, but, you must be good to yourself and take care of yourself, starting now.
You have a lot on your plate right now. So, get the help you need from whatever sources you need it from. Meetings, your mom, a doctor, therapy, meds, whatever. Remember to take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Only by doing so can you take care of the little ones who need you. Eat right and exercise daily; read the papers or do sudoko or learn something new; take time to baby yourself -- you are worth it!; and get back in touch with your Higher Power. All of these things are necessary to take care of the whole Meggie. Start by doing just a little bit, and add on, but, do start. Today. And let us know that you are doing so. Because we care.
These are the things that helped me get through the darkest days. They will help you too. I promise.
If you need help taking care of the little ones for a while, well, get that too. That's what *good* parents do; it is not a sign of weakness or that you are a bad mom. It means that you are strong enough to ask for help. That takes courage, and you are a strong, courageous woman. You *will* get through this, just as you have gotten through other difficult periods in your life.
Take it one day at a time, Meggie. And believe in yourself. We do. And you know you can trust us, even if, for right now, you cannot trust yourself. That day will come back again. Do what is right for you, and your self trust will return - sooner than you think.
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
First thigs first - you need to deal with the ppd and take care of YOU and your kids first. Set the addict aside and get yourself well so you can deal with yourself and the kids.
When you are in a safe place, then you can deal with the addict.
Congrats on your new baby!!
When you are in a safe place, then you can deal with the addict.
Congrats on your new baby!!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Meggie, I'm so sorry you are going through so much. One of the toughest things about depression is that it makes us feel incapable of doing anything and so totally hopeless. You are not a loser - you are an incredible strong young woman to come and seek support and help now when you feel at the end of your rope. I'm glad you are reaching out to your doctor - Please take advantage of all the support you can. I agree with Rowan - perhaps a change of scenery and some time with your mom for you and the kids might be the best thing for now. Lots of hugs, prayers and good thoughts.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Aw Meggie, welcome home. I remember you very well. You do have a lot on your plate right now, so be sure to take extra good care of yourself. Get someone else to watch the kids for a bit... are there other moms around who would be able to help you out for a few hours?
There's nothing wrong with admitting to your doctor that you're depressed. It's not a reflection on you, or your strength, or how much you love your kids. It's a medical condition, a chemical imbalance, and it happens to the best of us. There are medications that can help you, and you'll be amazed at how quickly you're back on top of things again. Again, it's not a weakness to be depressed. It's a strength to take action and take care of yourself and your boys.
It sounds like your husband isn't done with his "research" yet. It's sad, but he has to take charge of his own recovery. You know what to do to take charge of your own. You have a life and 2 little boys who need you, and it sounds like you're prepared to take care of that.
BIG hugs, sweetie. I'm sorry for the circumstances, but glad you're back. I remember back in the days when you'd be feeding the baby during our online al anon meetings!
There's nothing wrong with admitting to your doctor that you're depressed. It's not a reflection on you, or your strength, or how much you love your kids. It's a medical condition, a chemical imbalance, and it happens to the best of us. There are medications that can help you, and you'll be amazed at how quickly you're back on top of things again. Again, it's not a weakness to be depressed. It's a strength to take action and take care of yourself and your boys.
It sounds like your husband isn't done with his "research" yet. It's sad, but he has to take charge of his own recovery. You know what to do to take charge of your own. You have a life and 2 little boys who need you, and it sounds like you're prepared to take care of that.
BIG hugs, sweetie. I'm sorry for the circumstances, but glad you're back. I remember back in the days when you'd be feeding the baby during our online al anon meetings!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome back!
New names may be added these days, but the feeling remains the same...nothing but caring and support here at SR.
I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. I commend you for reaching out and considering your own health and wellness and not letting you AH dictate what is a healthy way to be as it clearly seems he has his clarity for a while now.
Be patient, the answers are coming. The help is out there. You can get through these days one at a time.
I hope the doctor has much to offer in the way of help and direction for the PPD. I hope once you are feeling better you will begin to see things more clearly and have the energy for your babies. And I hope you stay with us a while and let us know how your feeling because we care.
I'll be thinking of you!
Alice
New names may be added these days, but the feeling remains the same...nothing but caring and support here at SR.
I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. I commend you for reaching out and considering your own health and wellness and not letting you AH dictate what is a healthy way to be as it clearly seems he has his clarity for a while now.
Be patient, the answers are coming. The help is out there. You can get through these days one at a time.
I hope the doctor has much to offer in the way of help and direction for the PPD. I hope once you are feeling better you will begin to see things more clearly and have the energy for your babies. And I hope you stay with us a while and let us know how your feeling because we care.
I'll be thinking of you!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Oh Meggie...
I've thought about you many times...:ghug3
I was happy to see you posted but I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling so much right now.
Lots of wise words before me. Take care of yourself Meggie...
And above all, remember, you are not trapped. Your life is your own. You can remake it and turn it into anything you choose. I know your probably feeling tired and beat down right now...having a new baby will do that to you under the best of circumstances...But the fatigue and depression are temporary and they can be remedied with a little TLC and medical care. Once your feeling better, you can do anything you need and want to do to bring some peace and happiness into your life no matter what your AH might do. You absolutely, positively can !!
Big hugs..
and welcome back !!
Mary
I've thought about you many times...:ghug3
I was happy to see you posted but I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling so much right now.
Lots of wise words before me. Take care of yourself Meggie...
And above all, remember, you are not trapped. Your life is your own. You can remake it and turn it into anything you choose. I know your probably feeling tired and beat down right now...having a new baby will do that to you under the best of circumstances...But the fatigue and depression are temporary and they can be remedied with a little TLC and medical care. Once your feeling better, you can do anything you need and want to do to bring some peace and happiness into your life no matter what your AH might do. You absolutely, positively can !!
Big hugs..
and welcome back !!
Mary
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hey maggie, i remember you too, welcome back. sorry you are going through so much right now, too. i was also wondering if you and the kids could visit your mom for a few days until you feel better physically. maybe take a step back let your addict deal with himself.
maybe try focusing on you and your babies for now.
congratulations on the new baby, i know how hard this can be right now. soounds like your baby must be doing well or maybe they would not have allowed him to come home. i had 6 preterm babies and so really sick ones at that. growth do seem kind of slow at first but it don't take very long for them to catch up. take care of yourself. you and your family are in my prayers
maybe try focusing on you and your babies for now.
congratulations on the new baby, i know how hard this can be right now. soounds like your baby must be doing well or maybe they would not have allowed him to come home. i had 6 preterm babies and so really sick ones at that. growth do seem kind of slow at first but it don't take very long for them to catch up. take care of yourself. you and your family are in my prayers
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