Guilt about "abandoning" someone who's alone and hurting

Old 09-25-2009, 09:57 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Guilt about "abandoning" someone who's alone and hurting

I'm going to what I hope is the final hearing on my divorce from XAH on Wednesday. He was supposed to come to my lawyer's office and sign the papers we had agreed on, and then I wouldn't have to go to court at all--and I think he would have done so two weeks ago, but, after three and a half months of progress on his part--where he was holding a job, staying sober and having regular visitations with our dd--of course, he did what he always does and quit the job, started drinking again, and went from reliable back to unreliable in the span of about a week. Actually, as much as I hate that he's doing this to himself again, for me, it really took a load off of my mind, because I was feeling tremendous guilt while he was not drinking. He would call me all the time and beg me to give him a chance in the future, which I would not promise to do. As an AA buddy of mine said, it's like my HP said to me, "Do I need to draw you a picture? Because here it is..."

So while I'm sad for him, I've been enjoying the break, I must admit. You see, I never let myself go full-on "no contact". I wouldn't contact him much, and I would give myself breaks, but I would still talk to him on the phone occasionally, and sometimes go out to eat with him and dd when we were doing the visitation exchange. For a while, since he started drinking, I think he was embarrassed to contact me, but he would still occasionally call and leave no voice mail. Today, when he called, I picked up the phone. He sounded pitiful. Said he's suicidally depressed, has run off both of his sisters (who have been trying to be there for him as much as possible when they knew he wasn't drinking, but probably have told him they're done now that he's relapsed yet again). And really, his sisters are all he has. Says he's back to being unable to drive, has unbearable panic attacks and just feels so alone.

He hung up after a few minutes of this, and he did say he knows it's not my fault but his that his life is such a mess. I did nothing. Offered no advice or consolation, really. I had a big long talk with my sponsor, and she made me feel better. She did say that if he ever called and said, "I really need help. Could you help me find a place I could go to get it?" that I should feel free to lend a hand by helping get him into the Salvation Army or another subsidized rehab, but other than that, I should stay completely out of it because my help has never helped in the past, so why should it now? And I feel like I'm really getting that in my soul and in my heart more and more. It's been slow coming, and I'm not all the way there yet, but progress, not perfection, right?

But my one niggling worry/fear is that it must be so unbearably sad for him to feel that no one cares if he lives or dies. I'm afraid he'll choose death before he'll reach out for the help that might save him. And what if he did choose to reach out to me for that, and I didn't pick up the phone because I wanted to give myself a break? I guess my basic question is, where and when is it OK to help? And is it OK to just ignore someone who has no one else? I don't want to be married to him anymore, I don't think I will ever want a romantic relationship with him in the future no matter what help he sought. But I care about him as a human being. I would like to have him as a friend if he was in recovery. I don't want him to think I never cared about him. I don't want him to feel all alone in the world. Don't addicts need/deserve some sort of support, even in their darkest hours? I guess I was hoping his family would fill that role for him, and I can understand why they feel they've had enough, but where is his impetus for recovery if he feels so abandoned? I know I can't jump back into the pit with him, or I'll kill myself in the process. I want so badly to not have to deal with this at all, and that is basically what I'm doing. So when will these worries or guilt pangs go away? Is it OK to ignore a sick/dying person?
Mambo Queen is offline  
Old 09-25-2009, 10:15 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
A jug fills drop by drop
 
TakingCharge999's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Mambo I know the sages will be over here soon, meanwhile I will offer my humble 2 cents.

You are not "the only person" who can save him or not... he has to save himself through reaching out to others and there are so many ways, he has family, I am sure he knows where to go to an AA meeting, counselors, doctors, helplines, 911, past contacts while he was doing well etc etc ... just like you have realized where and when you needed help, reached out and got it... he can do exactly the same.

It is not like he is a dying stranger and you are ignoring him... he has had a lot of chances to choose better...and at one moment he had all your love and understanding. He had all his sisters' love and understanding. What has he done with all that support? He has made sure everyone who came close and cared, left, like you, not without much pain and guilt.

I say leave him at the hands of God/HP. You can't control someone's life, only yours. It sounds cold but this is not an innocent suffering, he is where he is at by a long string of bad choices, and here they are - always in a timely manner - the consequences.

His life or death is not up to you. If he can call you he can call anyone else. You cannot cure it Mambo queen. He has to want to cure himself, and want it more than anything else. Then and only then will things turn. That is between him and God/HP. It has nothing to do with you.

I send you strength and hugs... it is so easy to talk, it should be really tough ((Mambo queen))
TakingCharge999 is offline  
Old 09-25-2009, 10:17 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Theresa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 179
You are not ignoring him, Mambo, the depth of your concern is apparent to anyone reading your post. The journey he is on is one that you cannot take for him. He has to move through this on his own. You can't do it for him. No one can. Sounds like you have a really good sponsor, and she is right. Give him a lift to rehab if he ever wants to go.

It's only human to worry about the people we love. We just have to be careful not to let it so consume us that we stop living our own life--something I struggle with regularly. I know that I am a better person to all the people in my life when I truly love my own day (life) and all that is in it, without clouding the day with worry that, for me, never seems to accomplish or change anything.

You must be an incredibly caring person. I hope you send some of that care toward yourself this weekend. Take care of (((you)))
Theresa is offline  
Old 09-26-2009, 04:22 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Jadmack25's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Yes it would be very sad to feel no-one cared if they lived or died, and maybe it could be the last push to REAL seeking after REAL recovery.

How many times have you already shown him, how much you cared for him?
How many times have you already "helped" him when he begged for help.

He had almost lost everything in his life, but still wasn't desperate enough to keep off the drink.
He now has lost his sisters help, and you can see from your own past experience that up to this point nothing has proved to be so terrible and unendurable, for him to stay away for good.

This may be his time to find out that the pain of drinking is WORSE than the pain of living without drinking, and may be his moment of crisis and truth.

Hard as it is, he needs to ride alone, without training wheels and you hanging on.
Having to step back and let him wobble, even fall and skin his knees, is so very painful for we who have done it.

I still get goose bumps thinking about my no longer being there as a "soft landing" for my ABF, and it was even harder than letting my kids on their "big" bicycles with no trainers, for their first solo ride.

What I am totally convinced of is that, (1) had I stayed in contact I may easily have done a "last chance" help run, (for the umpteenth time).

(2) Had I helped him, he most likely would NOT still be sober and still in recovery, and on past performance, he'd have hit the skids anywhere from the next day, week or maybe 6 months at best.

I may hate this accursed disease with a passion, and consider it my enemy, but I cannot fight anyone else's personal battle against it, for them, only my own.

Continue caring about him, just not doing it for him, and do whatever is best for your self and your daughter.

God bless
Jadmack25 is offline  
Old 09-26-2009, 04:37 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Occasional poor taste poster
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
When I was in your shoes I made it clear to M that I would help in only one of these ways:

Make sure she got a meal if she was hungry.
Make sure she got a ride to a rehab she had arranged.
Make sure she got a ride to the ER if she needed to go.

I also made it clear to her that THAT WAS ALL I would do for her. That clearly communicates that you care for this persons well being and sets expectations of what you're willing to do to help. Being an ear to bend during yet another fit of suicidal depression was not something I was willing to do. BTW, I never got a request for what I was willing to do. And if you ever suspect he is suicidal you can call 911 and report his condition and location, they will send help, maybe not the help he wants but the help he needs.
Jazzman is offline  
Old 09-26-2009, 04:52 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
ANEWAUGUST's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Do you think his three and 1/2 months of progress were a test to see if you would really go thru with the divorce? He may have quit drinking, gotten a job, etc., just to show you, hey, I can do this..you don't have to divorce me.

But, you continued on your recovery path...and he chose to leave his.

If he was working on his recovery, for himself, this pity party of one wouldn't be happening. Don't get me wrong, it is sad, and tragic that he is in the position he is. But, he put himself in it....not you, his sisters or anyone else.

The saddest part of all of this, is that he doesn't care enough about himself to change.
Self-loathing is a paralyzing emotion.

Pray for him, and turn this, and him over to your higher power to take care of...
ANEWAUGUST is offline  
Old 09-26-2009, 05:06 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I know for a fact I am in no way, shape, or form, qualified to help a suicidally depressed alcoholic. Therefore I would call 911, say I am truly concerned that person may commit suicide, and leave it up to the professionals.
Freedom1990 is offline  
Old 09-26-2009, 05:10 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
peaceful seabird
 
Pelican's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi MQ,

I'm glad to see you back and thank you for the update on your life. I was wondering how things were working out for you. You do sound more grounded and determined to keep your own recovery as your priority. Good on you and congratulations! You are worth it!

This sentence from your post says it all:
As an AA buddy of mine said, it's like my HP said to me, "Do I need to draw you a picture? Because here it is..."

Your STBAXH needs the same thing right now:
1) HP
2) AA buddy
3) To see the big picture

You are not powerful enough to supply those to him. Just as you have AA buddies and sponsor's, he needs to find his own buddies and sponsor. Preferably males.

He needs to find his HP. Yours is looking pretty amazing and he wants what you have. Yet, he has to want to do the work to get to where you are. Tapping into your spirituality and 'borrowing' your energy will give him a temporary fix but it will leave you both empty. You can be a light in the darkness showing the way, but you can't be a conductor for his energy, right?

Now for the tuff talk. You said:
sad for him to feel that no one cares if he lives or dies. I'm afraid he'll choose death before he'll reach out for the help that might save him.
Did your choices get him to this point in his life? Did you force alcohol down his throat? No? Then you can not save him from his choices. You are not his messiah.

"We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable"

Please be sure to continue your recovery and help your dd to understand that you did not cause his addiction, you can not control his addiction and you will not be able to cure his addiction.

Get counseling if needed. Your greatest fear is that he will loose the battle with his addiction and die alone from his addiction. We need to walk through our fear and stop trying to avoid our fear. Your fear is not something you have the power to change, therefore, you need to find the way to face it and travel through. You will find lots of support here from friends that have lost loved ones to their addiction. It is painful. You are not alone if this happens.

Peace and hugs to you and dd.
Pelican is offline  
Old 09-26-2009, 05:54 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
The deal with "suicidal alcoholics"

Often they will claim they are suicidal to manipulate people. Sometimes they actually are suicidal. Best thing to do is get professional help. If they are brought to the ER, and realize there will be no booze while admitted to a hospital bed they amazingly change their story. They can also use the suicidal "scam" to try to get a bed, a meal, and a shower for the night at the numerous hospitals they believe are special(free) hotels for them. When they get the urge to drink they can revise the suicidal thoughts and miraculously recover and get discharged.


I told my aw that if she chooses sobriety, my world will stop to help her. My world will however not be part of her insanity in any other capacity.
steve11694 is offline  
Old 09-29-2009, 01:22 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 184
I told my aw that if she chooses sobriety, my world will stop to help her. My world will however not be part of her insanity in any other capacity.
I neded to hear that...thank you!
theotherone is offline  
Old 07-21-2019, 05:48 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Eauchiche's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,790
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 View Post
Hi Mambo I know the sages will be over here soon, meanwhile I will offer my humble 2 cents. ((Mambo queen))
Dear TakingCharge
Please don't underestimate your wonderful post. I consider you a "sage" too!!!
Eauchiche is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:14 AM.