What A Night
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 98
What A Night
As usual AH was in the bar before I left work.
He told my 13 year old he had to go to the bank and would be right back
That is at 3 p.m. I get home at 6 p.m. and he is still at the bank
He is on a motorcycle, getting bombed at the bar.
Imagine a bar that would keep serving someone that drunk.
We had dinner together, me and my sons, pizza, it was good.
He rolled in at 9:00 p.m., loving everyone.
Told me he loved me for the first time in a very long time.
Started talking about my upcomign HS reunion, one of his bar friends wants to go as this loser was in my class, he is telling me all the plans he has on going with this guy???? How they are going to get drunk and walk in and make fun of people.
great. Guess I won' t be going.
Then he gets a call, he has been home about 3 hours.
Has to go back to the bar.
I tell him he can not take a motor vehichle, car, motorcyle etc.
He tells me there are 2 scenerios.
I drive him, or he takes the bike.
He is going there to confrong someone he spoke to on the phone.
I drop him off and as he approached the biker bar, there are a bunch of winners outside. A girl from the inside sees him and runs out, puts her hand behind his head, and kisses him on the lips, he knows I am there, and I see that, he doesn't even look back.
So now I am back home....DESTROYED.
This really is hell on earth.
Another weekend begins.....
He told my 13 year old he had to go to the bank and would be right back
That is at 3 p.m. I get home at 6 p.m. and he is still at the bank
He is on a motorcycle, getting bombed at the bar.
Imagine a bar that would keep serving someone that drunk.
We had dinner together, me and my sons, pizza, it was good.
He rolled in at 9:00 p.m., loving everyone.
Told me he loved me for the first time in a very long time.
Started talking about my upcomign HS reunion, one of his bar friends wants to go as this loser was in my class, he is telling me all the plans he has on going with this guy???? How they are going to get drunk and walk in and make fun of people.
great. Guess I won' t be going.
Then he gets a call, he has been home about 3 hours.
Has to go back to the bar.
I tell him he can not take a motor vehichle, car, motorcyle etc.
He tells me there are 2 scenerios.
I drive him, or he takes the bike.
He is going there to confrong someone he spoke to on the phone.
I drop him off and as he approached the biker bar, there are a bunch of winners outside. A girl from the inside sees him and runs out, puts her hand behind his head, and kisses him on the lips, he knows I am there, and I see that, he doesn't even look back.
So now I am back home....DESTROYED.
This really is hell on earth.
Another weekend begins.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 133
LadyB, please please please let him suffer the consequences of his actions!!! My xabf also rides a Harley, and the truth of it is this: Whether or not they are on a bike, in a car, or walking, whatever circumstances come their way while drinking are not my responsibility!! My responsibility today is to take care of myself, and what he does is not my business. I understand your fear. I had it everytime I heard that bike start up. What I have learned to do is not let his drinking control me anymore! I won't enable him by driving him to a bar. He can get there on his own. I also don't listen to ultimatums that are issued from someone in active addiction! FU## him!
I understand also about the girl...first time I caught him it was with a girl that used to be a best friend! Misery loves company, and even knowing that, I felt like someone punched me in the gut! The problem is his, and his alone. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You can't love him into recovery. All you can do is take care of yourself. I was told that I was killing him with my love. All my love did was enable him. He used it against me.
I know you are hurting to the core right now, I do get that. Have you considered an Al-anon meeting? They have changed my thinking just in one month. I am getting free of the pain, and I treat him as an addiction....I can't have a fix anymore. It never really was about him anyway, it is about me and why I feel I don't deserve better. I will pray for you tonight, and I can promise you with al-anon you will find some much needed peace. Please hang in there, we are all pulling for you.
I understand also about the girl...first time I caught him it was with a girl that used to be a best friend! Misery loves company, and even knowing that, I felt like someone punched me in the gut! The problem is his, and his alone. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You can't love him into recovery. All you can do is take care of yourself. I was told that I was killing him with my love. All my love did was enable him. He used it against me.
I know you are hurting to the core right now, I do get that. Have you considered an Al-anon meeting? They have changed my thinking just in one month. I am getting free of the pain, and I treat him as an addiction....I can't have a fix anymore. It never really was about him anyway, it is about me and why I feel I don't deserve better. I will pray for you tonight, and I can promise you with al-anon you will find some much needed peace. Please hang in there, we are all pulling for you.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
LadyB...
(((HUGS))) :sorry you are having such a hard night.
What are you going to do now...that you know he is nowhere close to stop drinking and had the guts to ask you to drive to see a lover? and didnt care you were there when was shown affection?
What is the boundary?
I am so sorry... I know how it feels... once in a bar I saw xabf glancing over a friend of his... and when xabf and me hugged I saw how she glanced at me from head to toe in envy... later he said she was really fine and pretty and funny...
Careful what you ask for, you may as well get it.
After I broke up in him, 2 weeks and they were already in bed. When I saw them together it was the worst pain I had known, I got a nervous breakdown. Still happily together, no wonder she is a heavy drinker too.
Just tools, whoever drinks and accepts their BS is in...
BUT after some time.. I realize I had to be shown who he really is...and what he is capable of doing... believe me he will be the same one with any unfortunate soul who meets him.
What happens now? is this pain acceptable to you? what are you going to do?
Please be kind with yourself, and realize you have a whole community cheering YOU on and seeing REALITY for what it is...
You deserve peace!!
(((HUGS))) :sorry you are having such a hard night.
What are you going to do now...that you know he is nowhere close to stop drinking and had the guts to ask you to drive to see a lover? and didnt care you were there when was shown affection?
What is the boundary?
I am so sorry... I know how it feels... once in a bar I saw xabf glancing over a friend of his... and when xabf and me hugged I saw how she glanced at me from head to toe in envy... later he said she was really fine and pretty and funny...
Careful what you ask for, you may as well get it.
After I broke up in him, 2 weeks and they were already in bed. When I saw them together it was the worst pain I had known, I got a nervous breakdown. Still happily together, no wonder she is a heavy drinker too.
Just tools, whoever drinks and accepts their BS is in...
BUT after some time.. I realize I had to be shown who he really is...and what he is capable of doing... believe me he will be the same one with any unfortunate soul who meets him.
What happens now? is this pain acceptable to you? what are you going to do?
Please be kind with yourself, and realize you have a whole community cheering YOU on and seeing REALITY for what it is...
You deserve peace!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: VA
Posts: 85
I struggle with the same problem, not the cheating part, but the not wanting to give AH the keys to his truck. But, I don't drive him anywhere except to his kids sporting events if he wants to watch, and while it may appear that I have no responsibility for what he does, the reality is I will pay the consequences if he drinks, drives, and either gets a DUI or, God-forbid, gets in accident and kills someone. Why? Because we're married, I'm the primary earner (only earner), and we have assets that are recoverable if someone sues us. If he gets a DUI, our rates go up - and I pay the insurance. Actually, worse case scenario is my insurance gets dropped, because 2 1/2 years ago, my oldest daughter got into an accident with a dumpster and was convicted of DUI (thankfully she went through treatment and is doing very well now).
So, if he wants to go to a bar, he has to walk. Now, my AH is the non-violent type, which makes this a little easier. And, long-term, I'm working on an exit-strategy that protects me from any of the consequences of his behavior. I get one of the principles of Alanon is that we have no responsibility for the alcoholics behavior, but legally, that may not be the case for everyone. Part of taking care ourselves has to include taking care of ourselves legally and financially.
So, if he wants to go to a bar, he has to walk. Now, my AH is the non-violent type, which makes this a little easier. And, long-term, I'm working on an exit-strategy that protects me from any of the consequences of his behavior. I get one of the principles of Alanon is that we have no responsibility for the alcoholics behavior, but legally, that may not be the case for everyone. Part of taking care ourselves has to include taking care of ourselves legally and financially.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
What he does is not your responsibility. Instead of driving him, why not tell him if he leaves in a car or on the bike, you will call the police and report him for driving while drunk. Others here have had to do that and, while a difficult thing to do, just might save his life or the life of another innocent person. In the meantime, have you thought about how long you intend to live like this? It's pretty obvious he isn't going to change, so don't you think that you and your children deserve better? Just some food for thought.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 98
May-be calling the police is the answer.
Because I would never let him or anyone else drink and drive, today or anyday.
It is just not what I am made of whether that is enabling or not.
i know an innocent cut down by a drunk driver, I could not ever live with myself if I was part of that. Seriously, it would be my end.
Next time, I will just call the police.
Because I would never let him or anyone else drink and drive, today or anyday.
It is just not what I am made of whether that is enabling or not.
i know an innocent cut down by a drunk driver, I could not ever live with myself if I was part of that. Seriously, it would be my end.
Next time, I will just call the police.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
TheLadyB...
Not the relaxing Friday night you envision at the end of the week.
There are alot of good suggestions being shared with you.
I understand you not wanting him to be driving, however, I suspect he knew that you would probably drive him back to the bar if you prevented him from driving.
Do you think if you told him he could drive, but, you would call the cops, that you could follow thru on that? Is there another boundry you might be able to put into place?
As he doesn't drink during the week, maybe that would be the time to tell him what your boundry would be.
I am sure this is hard, as he probably will do anything to defend his drinking, so, he can keep feeding the demon.
I am glad you aren't drinking, and can be the sober, healthy parent for your son.
Not the relaxing Friday night you envision at the end of the week.
There are alot of good suggestions being shared with you.
I understand you not wanting him to be driving, however, I suspect he knew that you would probably drive him back to the bar if you prevented him from driving.
Do you think if you told him he could drive, but, you would call the cops, that you could follow thru on that? Is there another boundry you might be able to put into place?
As he doesn't drink during the week, maybe that would be the time to tell him what your boundry would be.
I am sure this is hard, as he probably will do anything to defend his drinking, so, he can keep feeding the demon.
I am glad you aren't drinking, and can be the sober, healthy parent for your son.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 98
Yes, I have a long range plan but it will take 2 years to carry out.
I plan on telling him this week my boundaries for next weekend, thanks for the suggestion.
Apparently his return to the bar involved fighting with weapons????? He is alreayd out this morning to help a friend...he is everyone's best buddy.
The saddest thing I ever saw,,,this disease has took a really good wonderful man and destroyed him. He is not there anymore....he is gone...for good.
this just solidifies my need to stay sober for my kids, but it also shows me the DRAMA these kids have been going through, they were front and center last night.
I plan on telling him this week my boundaries for next weekend, thanks for the suggestion.
Apparently his return to the bar involved fighting with weapons????? He is alreayd out this morning to help a friend...he is everyone's best buddy.
The saddest thing I ever saw,,,this disease has took a really good wonderful man and destroyed him. He is not there anymore....he is gone...for good.
this just solidifies my need to stay sober for my kids, but it also shows me the DRAMA these kids have been going through, they were front and center last night.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Glad to hear you have a long range plan.
If you have to live with him right now., just keep working on you. You can also talk to your sons, and use this has an opportunity to educate them about alcoholism, and how it affects each family member.
Fighting with weapons,...that sounds scarey. Fighting is bad enough, but drunks with weapons is a powder keg waiting to explode.
I hope you are able to do something this weekend for yourself, even something as simple as taking a walk, taking some deep breaths to ease the tension of what you have been dealing with...
Hang in there..
If you have to live with him right now., just keep working on you. You can also talk to your sons, and use this has an opportunity to educate them about alcoholism, and how it affects each family member.
Fighting with weapons,...that sounds scarey. Fighting is bad enough, but drunks with weapons is a powder keg waiting to explode.
I hope you are able to do something this weekend for yourself, even something as simple as taking a walk, taking some deep breaths to ease the tension of what you have been dealing with...
Hang in there..
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I stayed in a similiar situation for about a year. I had no long range plan. I just wanted him to love me. Just wanted us to be able to make things work. Just wanted to control him, despite convincing myself I didn't. Just wanted him to pick me and not the booze, not the other women. It took a good long time for me to give up but it sure feels better than rejection, madness and insanity.
Moved out Sept 2. Finances are a joke but for the first time I don't wake up feeling like Danny Devito is standing on my chest.
I hope you keep coming here and posting. And I hope you're ok.
Moved out Sept 2. Finances are a joke but for the first time I don't wake up feeling like Danny Devito is standing on my chest.
I hope you keep coming here and posting. And I hope you're ok.
one.day.at.a.time.
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Lousiana
Posts: 19
wow, thats a hard pill to swallow. what to do now? hope things go okay for you and you find stregnth to take care of yourself before him. the disease makes good people do bad things and this is a prime example. sorry you are going through this. 
best of luck!
best of luck!
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
your post has brought me to tears, poor thing.
I am sober and out on my own now. I lived through the mayhem of his addictions and mine for a long time.
I just want you to know that it is so possible to rebuild a sane and peaceful life away from that madness.
It's hard work. It's scary and sad and confusing, but in the end you find yourself free and amazed at the wondrous joy in life.
Keep making plans. Stay firm on your boundaries and make decisions on what happens if he can't respect them.
Good luck and stay strong
I am sober and out on my own now. I lived through the mayhem of his addictions and mine for a long time.
I just want you to know that it is so possible to rebuild a sane and peaceful life away from that madness.
It's hard work. It's scary and sad and confusing, but in the end you find yourself free and amazed at the wondrous joy in life.
Keep making plans. Stay firm on your boundaries and make decisions on what happens if he can't respect them.
Good luck and stay strong
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by harleyd101 
I won't enable him by driving him to a bar. He can get there on his own. I also don't listen to ultimatums that are issued from someone in active addiction! FU## him!
EXACTLY.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Let him go...the second he is gone you call the police and report him. Tell them where he is headed. I called on my exah and he doesn't like me but so what! Innocent lives are not being taken by him.
Don't let him bully you into driving him. His drinking, his drinking and driving, his cheating....IS ALL HIM!
Don't let him bully you into driving him. His drinking, his drinking and driving, his cheating....IS ALL HIM!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Oh my dear, how shattering to have this betrayal thrown in your face, and how terrible for your sons to see and hear what they did.
Having someone drink driving scares me witless at the best of times, as I imagine the guilt I would feel for the rest of my life, letting them drive and doing nothing, if they caused death or injury to others.
Maybe you could talk when he is sober, but I wonder if he would listen.
What thoughts, if any, have you had about getting your boys and getting out of this very hard and unpleasant situation NOW?
Frankly, living with this MAD Max violence, drinking and cheating would be impossible for me to manage, for 1 more day, let alone for 2 more years.
God bless
Having someone drink driving scares me witless at the best of times, as I imagine the guilt I would feel for the rest of my life, letting them drive and doing nothing, if they caused death or injury to others.
Maybe you could talk when he is sober, but I wonder if he would listen.
What thoughts, if any, have you had about getting your boys and getting out of this very hard and unpleasant situation NOW?
Frankly, living with this MAD Max violence, drinking and cheating would be impossible for me to manage, for 1 more day, let alone for 2 more years.
God bless
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