Should I play hardball?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 80
Should I play hardball?
I really don't want to 'play hardball' with my XABF (who's very 'functional', still holds down a good job, etc) and father of my 2 year old, but there are issues of protecting my child. Basically as I've shared previously on here, I've caught him smoking weed when looking after him, more than once - once was even in the daytime when my son was awake. I know he drinks most nights to the point of drunkenness, so at the moment I'm not letting him look after him at night. Almost every day I find he has left rolling tobacco, nail scissors for cutting up weed to smoke it, and empty wine bottles in clear reach of my toddler. He is of course in total denial about his problems and thinks I'm a controlling bitch.
He's now having a new lodger move in who is his bachelor, 'party-party' alcoholic weed-smoking friend who I've always disliked. He says his friend wants to cut down on partying so is moving out of the 'party' houseshare he was in, to help him do that. I'm SO not happy about this guy living here where my son will be, (at the moment XABF has him one day a week during the day while I work, and that's working fine), but I just don't know if it's within my rights or even advisable to try and stop him having DS round to the house. If X, who is our son's DAD, is so careless about his safety as to leave out the stuff I've mentioned, how much less careful will a childless bachelor alcoholic guy be? I'm afraid though that if I say 'you may only see him with me there', X will chuck all my stuff out on the street before I move into my permanent place (in 3 weeks time - I'm couch surfing till then) and withhold child support money, which I urgently need to survive.
So far I've said, if there's any indication that substance misuse has been occurring, when I pick him up, that'll be it - he'll be put in nursery on the day I work instead. But of course I was then told I'll be taken to court. I suppose I could just check out the house when I drop him off, for anything unsafe, but even then I have to worry that they'll sit around smoking weed.
Sigh. I did consult a family lawyer recently and it was sort of helpful but it seems the onus is stilll on me to decide what's best for DS, and then X can take me to court if he disagrees. I'm wondering whether it'd just be best to get a residency order which will enable me to make all the parenting decisions, and restrict access as I see fit.
I really do want him to see his dad and have a relat with him but not at the expense of his safety and good common sense. I dread the thought of court battles, though, and everyone in his family hating me and coming out against me, everyone testifying that I'm crazy b/c he has this job and nobody else thinks he's an alkie. It's a nightmare. I also don't see how I'll manage to fit in him seeing his dad if he only does it with me there - this will really restrict me as I'm now working and am also studying part time.
Anyone have any experience of this? any words of wisdom? I want to have an amicable relationship with him but because of his total denial of the reality, this is quite difficult!
He's now having a new lodger move in who is his bachelor, 'party-party' alcoholic weed-smoking friend who I've always disliked. He says his friend wants to cut down on partying so is moving out of the 'party' houseshare he was in, to help him do that. I'm SO not happy about this guy living here where my son will be, (at the moment XABF has him one day a week during the day while I work, and that's working fine), but I just don't know if it's within my rights or even advisable to try and stop him having DS round to the house. If X, who is our son's DAD, is so careless about his safety as to leave out the stuff I've mentioned, how much less careful will a childless bachelor alcoholic guy be? I'm afraid though that if I say 'you may only see him with me there', X will chuck all my stuff out on the street before I move into my permanent place (in 3 weeks time - I'm couch surfing till then) and withhold child support money, which I urgently need to survive.
So far I've said, if there's any indication that substance misuse has been occurring, when I pick him up, that'll be it - he'll be put in nursery on the day I work instead. But of course I was then told I'll be taken to court. I suppose I could just check out the house when I drop him off, for anything unsafe, but even then I have to worry that they'll sit around smoking weed.
Sigh. I did consult a family lawyer recently and it was sort of helpful but it seems the onus is stilll on me to decide what's best for DS, and then X can take me to court if he disagrees. I'm wondering whether it'd just be best to get a residency order which will enable me to make all the parenting decisions, and restrict access as I see fit.
I really do want him to see his dad and have a relat with him but not at the expense of his safety and good common sense. I dread the thought of court battles, though, and everyone in his family hating me and coming out against me, everyone testifying that I'm crazy b/c he has this job and nobody else thinks he's an alkie. It's a nightmare. I also don't see how I'll manage to fit in him seeing his dad if he only does it with me there - this will really restrict me as I'm now working and am also studying part time.
Anyone have any experience of this? any words of wisdom? I want to have an amicable relationship with him but because of his total denial of the reality, this is quite difficult!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'd suggest you throw out the hopes for an amicable relationship with an active drug user who endangers your child, really. I know why you would want that - I get it, really I do - but being nice is putting your kid in danger. That would be a dealbreaker for me too. Your choice but....your X has had plenty of chances to do the right thing. You also don't know what he's been smart enough to hide from you before you show up. And it's obvious things are going to get much, much worse.
And as for his family, well, sorry they choose denial but there's nothing you can do to control that. So you don't want your son to be around drugs, scissors or broken glass - and are tired of him being put in danger by having a trashed parent watching him. Tell them that, and write them off if they don't get it.
I'd choose safe and forceful, over sorry and amicable, but that's just me.
And as for his family, well, sorry they choose denial but there's nothing you can do to control that. So you don't want your son to be around drugs, scissors or broken glass - and are tired of him being put in danger by having a trashed parent watching him. Tell them that, and write them off if they don't get it.
I'd choose safe and forceful, over sorry and amicable, but that's just me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Okay.... here I go....
I agree with the above posters.... your child vs. the addict??
If he takes you to court, so be it... these are threats. Can he honestly stay clean for the 30 days prior to court? How can he withhold child support money from you? Do you have an order from the court? If not, I would suggest filing for one ASAP (like tomorrow when you first wake up).
I would suggest getting your lawyer involved and calling child protective services to investigate his home. You can remain anonymous. He doesn't have to know you made the call. They will too order him to a drug test and if he tests positive then boom, no more visits until he completes a program.
If you give him the warning to not use prior to your son coming over it doesn't matter to him. He'll just get even more sneakier and hide the evidence before you come over and inform his roommate of the same.
So, to answer your question, yes play hardball.
He has exposed your child to too much. What if your child gets a hold of those scissors? Ingests that tobacco? Being exposed to second hand weed smoke? What if the house gets raided while your son is there? Takes your son on a run to get weed? The possibilities are endless with an addict.
It's just not worth the risk.
Hope this helps.
I agree with the above posters.... your child vs. the addict??
If he takes you to court, so be it... these are threats. Can he honestly stay clean for the 30 days prior to court? How can he withhold child support money from you? Do you have an order from the court? If not, I would suggest filing for one ASAP (like tomorrow when you first wake up).
I would suggest getting your lawyer involved and calling child protective services to investigate his home. You can remain anonymous. He doesn't have to know you made the call. They will too order him to a drug test and if he tests positive then boom, no more visits until he completes a program.
If you give him the warning to not use prior to your son coming over it doesn't matter to him. He'll just get even more sneakier and hide the evidence before you come over and inform his roommate of the same.
So, to answer your question, yes play hardball.
He has exposed your child to too much. What if your child gets a hold of those scissors? Ingests that tobacco? Being exposed to second hand weed smoke? What if the house gets raided while your son is there? Takes your son on a run to get weed? The possibilities are endless with an addict.
It's just not worth the risk.
Hope this helps.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I swear they should put a TV series on with this title:
Squad of Sound Superwomen
based on SR F&F !!
You have been given excellent advice, please don't let it stay at it, and put an action plan to follow through whatever is needed to protect the child. I agree, that is what YOU have noticed, but what many other things may be going on while you are not there?
If his family or the entire world is in denial, whatever, their role is not to protect this child as we have seen.... that role is yours!
All the best!
Squad of Sound Superwomen
based on SR F&F !!
You have been given excellent advice, please don't let it stay at it, and put an action plan to follow through whatever is needed to protect the child. I agree, that is what YOU have noticed, but what many other things may be going on while you are not there?
If his family or the entire world is in denial, whatever, their role is not to protect this child as we have seen.... that role is yours!
All the best!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 80
Thanks so much everyone. Sometimes I just need a big kick up the ass to basically go for it and believe in myself and my intuition. It's hard when as I said everyone else is in denial and I can start to wonder whether I'm just overreacting, being controlling, etc - you know, all the stuff the addict throws at you. But I'm going to phone my lawyer on Monday and speak about a residency order. She explained previously that he'd have to have a lot of detailed tests done on his liver, hair strands etc to prove his alcohol use, and I doubt he would pass that - plus of course the weed tests. I agree that he and his housemate are prob just going to do what they do by on the sly, and I won't know any better. It just makes my skin crawl to think of my son being around this guy anyway, sober or not.
So now I need to organise putting my stuff safely in storage until my proper move, so at least he can't hold that over me. As for the child support, in this country lawyers have no jurisdiction over that, so all I could do would be to approach Child Support Agency, who even the lawyer said are useless. I could call and tell his parents if he withholds, but seeing as I'll be effectively denying him unsupervised access to our son, I doubt they're going to want to help or understand in any way! Anyway, thanks! Will keep you posted. Deep breaths, courage!
So now I need to organise putting my stuff safely in storage until my proper move, so at least he can't hold that over me. As for the child support, in this country lawyers have no jurisdiction over that, so all I could do would be to approach Child Support Agency, who even the lawyer said are useless. I could call and tell his parents if he withholds, but seeing as I'll be effectively denying him unsupervised access to our son, I doubt they're going to want to help or understand in any way! Anyway, thanks! Will keep you posted. Deep breaths, courage!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
It may be bit of a rough ride for you these next few weeks, but you can know that you are doing this for your son's safety and well being, mentally as well as physically.
Bad enough trying to 2nd guess 1 addict, imagine coping with 2 of them. ((SHUDDER))
Let these men do their thing, as long as it is nowhere near your innocent son.
Thank God for your sense and sanity.
God bless
Bad enough trying to 2nd guess 1 addict, imagine coping with 2 of them. ((SHUDDER))
Let these men do their thing, as long as it is nowhere near your innocent son.
Thank God for your sense and sanity.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi takingtime-
is it possible to move your stuff out and store it at a friend's house for a month? i know it's a lot of hassle, but it frees you to "make your move"...
i don't like the idea of your two year old in the midst of two addicts. there needs to be one sober person, in case of an emergency. i know you know that.
you are in between a rock and a hard place, but there is a way forward. this will all be over soon and then you can rest.
i wouldn't involve his parents. that didn't go so well last time, did it?
is it possible to move your stuff out and store it at a friend's house for a month? i know it's a lot of hassle, but it frees you to "make your move"...
i don't like the idea of your two year old in the midst of two addicts. there needs to be one sober person, in case of an emergency. i know you know that.
you are in between a rock and a hard place, but there is a way forward. this will all be over soon and then you can rest.
i wouldn't involve his parents. that didn't go so well last time, did it?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 14
Please don't leave your son with his father unsupervised. I'm in a similar position. I have a 2 year old, husband drinks and smokes weed daily. I constantly have to check if there is no dangerous stuff laying around in baby's reach and I almost never leave my h with my daughter alone. On rare occasions when I had to leave her with him (for less than an hour), I always tell the neighbors to keep an ear out and go check if they hear any crying. My ah doesn't see any problem with his smoking and drinking while near/with baby also, it's for him like eating. When I say something about it, he gets angry that I don't understand the pressure he's under blablabla and also none of this affects his judgment anyways. Sometimes when you live in these kind of conditions you kinda start thinking that maybe all this really is normal everyday life, then you do need a good kick in the a.. to bring you back into reality. The most important thing is to keep the child safe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 80
Jadmack25, yes you're right, dealing with two addicts is just not even worth thinking about!
Naive, yes, I found out I will either be able to leave my stuff from next week at the new house I'm likely to be moving into (if I decide to move in - not quite sure yet), or I can put it in storage cheaply for a couple of weeks. No friends have room to take it unfort. as it includes furniture.
I only have to make an announcement to him about no unsupervised access, after next Thursday, as there are no opportunities for him to be unsupervised with our son until then. Tonight I'm getting my sister to babysit while I go to a meeting, which is awkward b/c he is like 'but I can babysit, I'm free' but I'm just not confronting it directly and saying my sister needs to have more practice babysitting our son, as she's going to be doing it more often. I'm not going to have 'the conversation' until I've consulted the lawyer and my stuff is out of here. There prob is no point involving his parents, but I guess I just get angry that they are so completely not caring about what their son is doing and are just carrying on like everything is fine. I know there's nothing I can do to shake them out of their complacency though.
Beatrix, I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation,and thanks for your advice. I think the only reason I've allowed our son to be unsupervised with him up till now (daytime only) is because he IS so 'functional', he ISN'T always on something, and because it seems like a lot of normal-seeming people do this: get hammered once their kids are in bed, deal weed in their house even though they've got kids, and like you say, it's just been somehow normalised for me, which sounds crazy now!
Anyway I'm gathering up the courage now to do what I need to do, but i feel much stronger for coming on here! Thanks .
Naive, yes, I found out I will either be able to leave my stuff from next week at the new house I'm likely to be moving into (if I decide to move in - not quite sure yet), or I can put it in storage cheaply for a couple of weeks. No friends have room to take it unfort. as it includes furniture.
I only have to make an announcement to him about no unsupervised access, after next Thursday, as there are no opportunities for him to be unsupervised with our son until then. Tonight I'm getting my sister to babysit while I go to a meeting, which is awkward b/c he is like 'but I can babysit, I'm free' but I'm just not confronting it directly and saying my sister needs to have more practice babysitting our son, as she's going to be doing it more often. I'm not going to have 'the conversation' until I've consulted the lawyer and my stuff is out of here. There prob is no point involving his parents, but I guess I just get angry that they are so completely not caring about what their son is doing and are just carrying on like everything is fine. I know there's nothing I can do to shake them out of their complacency though.
Beatrix, I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation,and thanks for your advice. I think the only reason I've allowed our son to be unsupervised with him up till now (daytime only) is because he IS so 'functional', he ISN'T always on something, and because it seems like a lot of normal-seeming people do this: get hammered once their kids are in bed, deal weed in their house even though they've got kids, and like you say, it's just been somehow normalised for me, which sounds crazy now!
Anyway I'm gathering up the courage now to do what I need to do, but i feel much stronger for coming on here! Thanks .
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
dear takingtime-
i agree with your plan to not confront him about the supervised visitation until necessary.
i agree with you minimizing it for now to him, until you get your gear out of the house. i can't see any good coming from that confrontation and can imagine it will cause further unnecessary complications.
i agree, you will need to consult a lawyer and get all your ducks in a row.
as for his parents, they are in denial. i would consider them "deaf and blind" for now.
and yes, it does somehow become normal and acceptable whilst we ourselves are in denial. and the fuzzy logic of the addict can make us questions ourselves and our very basis of right and wrong, true and false.
however, in the clear light of day, the reality of living or depending on an addict is dangerous. how your man is behaving is not how a father should behave, nor should a husband put his wife in this position, of having to protect the child from him. the role of the father, even in the animal kingdom, is to protect the woman with child and provide for them.
your man is not the enemy, but he is very sick. you, on the other hand, are not. trust your instincts and intuition, takingtime.
can you ask your parents for some more funds? a bit of money sounds like it might ease things up for you. don't be scared to ask, they love you and probably want to help, if they can.
(if you're desperate, i could spare £40. pm me your address, if so.)
naive
i agree with your plan to not confront him about the supervised visitation until necessary.
i agree with you minimizing it for now to him, until you get your gear out of the house. i can't see any good coming from that confrontation and can imagine it will cause further unnecessary complications.
i agree, you will need to consult a lawyer and get all your ducks in a row.
as for his parents, they are in denial. i would consider them "deaf and blind" for now.
and yes, it does somehow become normal and acceptable whilst we ourselves are in denial. and the fuzzy logic of the addict can make us questions ourselves and our very basis of right and wrong, true and false.
however, in the clear light of day, the reality of living or depending on an addict is dangerous. how your man is behaving is not how a father should behave, nor should a husband put his wife in this position, of having to protect the child from him. the role of the father, even in the animal kingdom, is to protect the woman with child and provide for them.
your man is not the enemy, but he is very sick. you, on the other hand, are not. trust your instincts and intuition, takingtime.
can you ask your parents for some more funds? a bit of money sounds like it might ease things up for you. don't be scared to ask, they love you and probably want to help, if they can.
(if you're desperate, i could spare £40. pm me your address, if so.)
naive
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 80
Thanks, Naive. I might need to take you up on that. At this point things are just about okay financially, and as I'm moving out tomorrow to my friend's house and X is at an overnight at work tonight (so won't see him at all) I don't feel unduly concerned.
However I'm feeling quite scared and overwhelmed after talking to my lawyer today. Basically she said that as I've been letting X have unsupervised access up till now,once a week, he can claim in court that that arrangement should continue, and that while the court will take into account my claims of substance use and unsafety etc, it won't look good that I've let him see our son without me around up till now
She also suggested that I draw up a signed contract with him to say he will not use substances when looking after our son 
I mean, maybe I should find a lawyer who has an understanding of addiction issues. I said that as he's an addict, promises and even contracts are meaningless, and she sort of hhmm-hhmmed. I said the reason I haven't stopped the access is b/c having that conversation would cause a threat to my financial wellbeing as he would likely chuck my stuff out on the street and withhold money that I still needed, and also that the reason things have become more dire is this alcoholic housemate moving in, so that's been the 'clincher' for me. B/c even if X signed this contract, how can I control what his housemate does? How can I stop my son going into this guy's room while I'm not there and finding stuff he shouldn't? (the door doesn't shut properly!)
But I could tell she thought I was making a big deal about not much: she said 'so your concern is based on twice catching him smoking or having smoked weed while looking after him, and on leaving scissors, bottles and tobacco around the house within reach, is that all?' Maybe she's used to dealing with wives of crack addicts or something!She's going to write him a letter setting out terms of supervised access every 2 weeks, but apparently I cannot apply for a residency (custody) order as he has parental responsibility anyway, so there's nothing I can do to stop him having a say over parental decisions e.g. vaccinations and schooling.
Also, I fear my case will be further minimised by the fact that both of these guys work in 'caring' professions so are trusted with vulnerable people every day: X works with learning disabled adults one to one, and his friend in a children's home! So they seem on the surface to be such reliable trustworthy people. But on the other hand, my sister has been around while X was looking after our son, and she said he neglected to offer him water and gave him too little food, and gave him next to no attention.
I know, I know...this is all future projection, I'm not in court now, but I need to make a decision that is going to cause least harm. ANyway an Al Anon friend suggested that I look for another lawyer and get a second opinion. I need someone who will really 'fight my corner', she said, and I agree. I just feel like by doing this (taking the hardline approach) I'm sentencing myself to possibly years of hell with battling it out with him, and having a crappy relationship with the father of my child, and all the repercussions that will have on my child. I don't honestly know if it's worth it. Maybe I could find some middle ground...I don't know. I'm feeling very freaked out at the moment.
However I'm feeling quite scared and overwhelmed after talking to my lawyer today. Basically she said that as I've been letting X have unsupervised access up till now,once a week, he can claim in court that that arrangement should continue, and that while the court will take into account my claims of substance use and unsafety etc, it won't look good that I've let him see our son without me around up till now
She also suggested that I draw up a signed contract with him to say he will not use substances when looking after our son I mean, maybe I should find a lawyer who has an understanding of addiction issues. I said that as he's an addict, promises and even contracts are meaningless, and she sort of hhmm-hhmmed. I said the reason I haven't stopped the access is b/c having that conversation would cause a threat to my financial wellbeing as he would likely chuck my stuff out on the street and withhold money that I still needed, and also that the reason things have become more dire is this alcoholic housemate moving in, so that's been the 'clincher' for me. B/c even if X signed this contract, how can I control what his housemate does? How can I stop my son going into this guy's room while I'm not there and finding stuff he shouldn't? (the door doesn't shut properly!) But I could tell she thought I was making a big deal about not much: she said 'so your concern is based on twice catching him smoking or having smoked weed while looking after him, and on leaving scissors, bottles and tobacco around the house within reach, is that all?' Maybe she's used to dealing with wives of crack addicts or something!She's going to write him a letter setting out terms of supervised access every 2 weeks, but apparently I cannot apply for a residency (custody) order as he has parental responsibility anyway, so there's nothing I can do to stop him having a say over parental decisions e.g. vaccinations and schooling.
Also, I fear my case will be further minimised by the fact that both of these guys work in 'caring' professions so are trusted with vulnerable people every day: X works with learning disabled adults one to one, and his friend in a children's home! So they seem on the surface to be such reliable trustworthy people. But on the other hand, my sister has been around while X was looking after our son, and she said he neglected to offer him water and gave him too little food, and gave him next to no attention.
I know, I know...this is all future projection, I'm not in court now, but I need to make a decision that is going to cause least harm. ANyway an Al Anon friend suggested that I look for another lawyer and get a second opinion. I need someone who will really 'fight my corner', she said, and I agree. I just feel like by doing this (taking the hardline approach) I'm sentencing myself to possibly years of hell with battling it out with him, and having a crappy relationship with the father of my child, and all the repercussions that will have on my child. I don't honestly know if it's worth it. Maybe I could find some middle ground...I don't know. I'm feeling very freaked out at the moment.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
try a different lawyer. also, have you met yet with your local woman's aid's representative? they might be able to put you in touch with a more sympathetic lawyer.
and don't forget to keep turning it over to your higher power and requesting guidance. that oftentimes brings clarity and the awareness of the next step.
naive
and don't forget to keep turning it over to your higher power and requesting guidance. that oftentimes brings clarity and the awareness of the next step.
naive
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Yes..your lawyer is right. You have to be careful with supervised visits. No leeway whatsoever or they will use it. My exah has supervised visits with baby in my home and if you give an inch they will take a mile. One time exah and baby were playing outside on the lawn. I went out too and just pulled some weeds. I don't interfere but I am there. Anyway, my phone rang and I ran inside for maybe 2 minutes, came back out and they were gone! He decided to take her around the block and not tell me. He didn't answer his phone and I was petrified. I know he hates supervised visits and will probably take me back to court soon, but I will fight it hard.
I am not sure what you can do at this point, but make sure your lawyer is aggressive.
I am not sure what you can do at this point, but make sure your lawyer is aggressive.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
