FreeBird09

How is it that a simple card can throw me into a fit of tears that keep surfacing all day?!!!..

The AXBF sent me a birthday card. It was heartfelt, and very loving. Saying all the things that are sweet. Like, I love you, you have all my love and heart, I miss you.. on and on.. and.. on... Not only that, on top of it he sent an ecard that also expressed the same sentiments. THEN text messages, expressing more.

This is suppose to be a happy day, not some tear streaked face day. He was always so wonderful on birthdays and holidays. He hated them but he was so damn loving and caring, making like the world revolved around me for that one special day, or holidays.

I think to myself, why is it I received 10+ birthday cards and well wishes and this one throws me over a cliff in 2.2 seconds. It isn't as if he just left, he has been gone well over a year.

Someone help me figure out what is going on inside this brain of mine today. I can reason with myself that no matter what, it CAN'T be.. ever again, but it still drops me to my knees, things like this.

laurie6781

Since it has 'been over a year' sounds like 'feelers' to see if his 'old cushy nest' might be available again and what better way to get back in than manipulation?

Sweetie, remind yourself he is an addict! He doesn't know how to love himself, so how can he love you.

His cards caught you by surprise, and yes, I think in the back of our brains we really want them to be well, to be different, to be what we 'hoped' they were ............................ THEY ARE NOT.

Look at this as another attempt to find his enabler and let it go, let it go for your own peace of mind and serenity.

J M H O

BTW Hope you have a really good Birthday.

Love and hugs,

sailorjohn

Why did you open the card?

An accident?

transformyself

Hmmm. Yep. He's working really hard to convince you of something. What is that? Do you trust him? Has he changed?

As far as the grief goes, well there's a lot of grief in ending relationships. For me, when I'm in the kind of pain you're describing, its' because of my unresolved ACOA child hood issues. Got nothing to do with AH. Just abandonment issues. Desperation. All kinds of memories of wanting, desperatly wanting my parents to love me. And they didn't. They were too sick and in thier own addiction. They didn't protect me, honor me, support me. They hurt me again and again. That's why I chased after my AH because if I can make him love me, change him, I'll be ok.

I may be totally off base with this cause I don't know you're story. At all.

The good news is you don't have to act right now. Or today. You can sit with your feelings, sort them out. Or go do something that'll make you feel better. When I'm triggered like this, I have to snap myself out of it with exercise. Lots of it. Then I can think clearly and respect myself, believe in myself, believe truly believe that I am happier without him.

I hope you feel better soon and will be thinking about you. You're not alone Girl. I have been in your shoes. For years, I say.

Learn2Live

I think birthdays and holidays are just emotional times to begin with. They can even be stressful for people. Throw on top of that everything we deal with with alcoholism and addiction, and it's completely understandable that his cards have you balling your eyes out.

That just sucks that he sent those things to you. He can't make up for all the Bull$hit I'm sure you've had to put up with by sending you a frickin' card!!! I say Burn it (in a safe way) and delete the others. Then, go into the bathroom and scream your head off as if he is actually there. It helps when I do this and use a lot of cuss words.

Try it, you'll feel better.

Hammer

Always good to have parted on such good terms.

Can be one of those things you back fondly upon from the safe distance of Old Age, and smile.

Mitsy

The fact that you loved them (or once loved them) cannot be erased. Your feelings can change, but it does hurt to know that things cannot ever work out as long as they continue their addiction. It's not you who is broken--it is him. And I know all about the manipulation they use to try to get you back. I regret giving in when I thought my drunk guy had changed. They lie because they don't really want to quit. They want their booze and the people to remain in their life but abuse & booze just doesn't work in a relationship. It never works. It is a formula for future heartache unless they have made vast steps to recovery and even then, AA tells people to not get involved with someone until they've had a year of sobriety. I know this is a different situation when it's a married couple but I can only speak as someone who dated an alcoholic for 2 years and that was about 2 years too long. I do still feel bad at times but not dealing with him helps me to realize just how bad he was for me. He was toxic and hurtful. No one deserves that even if it's masked temporarily by a sappy phone call or card.

LaTeeDa

Aw, FB. I know exactly what you mean. It's what kept me there for years. Those little scraps of affection they throw you. But, now you realize that you deserve more than scraps. You deserve the entire seven-course gourmet meal, including dessert!

It's okay to have your feelings. Let them wash over you and cleanse you. You don't have to DO anything. They will pass.

L

P.S. Happy Birthday! from one Libra to another.

FreeBird09

Ok, so he called my cell phone, left a message and sang me happy birthday.. (sober). I cried like a newborn baby. I am in transition, and when he does these things it halts me for a little while, thinking I am making the wrong decision by NOT waiting for him. But, wouldn't that be sorta like waiting for the airplane to return after it just left the runway?.

transformyself.. you have good valid points there! Big time valid!. Thank you. I am going to look more into that. He hasn't worked on anything, nothing at all.. so there is no point in him trying, but whatever he is trying is making me cry because of the loss. I have been in love with that man for 28 years. He was my first love, and has been my last (so far).

L2L, I went for a drive, visited family and friends, and now I think I am going to put some music on and exercise because that voicemail made my stomach turn upside down, and I am hurting like crazy. I want to have a smile on when my kids come to make me dinner, so I better get going and have my meltdown, take a shower and smile as if today was my last day to live as it just may be. (Not saying I want to end it (I have WAY too much to live for, but my HP only knows how much time we have)

Hammer.. I save everything. I have a special 'box'/'safe' that I put all the memories in so that in my old age I can look back on and possibly smile. I have a LOT of great memories, it is sad it is tarnished with alcohol. NOT all of it was.

sailorjohn.. you have a point, I should have put the card aside, in my special box and left it for a day when I wasn't still hurting from this mess.

laurie.. you are right, there is a motive to make sure I am still an option in the event that things don't work out for him as planned.

Thank you all for the shoulder.. I appreciate it.

FreeBird09

LaTeeDa.. us Libras eh!.. so emotional. Thank you for the birthday wish. I do deserve the full course meal, I really hate the bones I get thrown... (especially this one, it kiinda stuck in my eye making all these tears come).. lol.

sailorjohn

Happy Birthday!!!


:ghug3

spensea

Wow, that's hard. Sorry to hear what you are going through FreeBird.

Jadmack25

I felt the same way last birthday, when abf turned up with card and flowers and gift. It ALMOST made my heart melt. Of course later that night after a few hours of solid drinking, came the calls and txts for me to help him get home.
When I didn't reply, the "I love you" of the morning became anything but loving.

This morning, he came over with card and gift, sober (for 10months), and said morning tea was on for 10am, he'd made a cake for it.
I am going out for a splash up dinner with my girls, (my 3 daughters and eldest grand-daughter, so abf has done orning tea today and lunch tomorrow.

Oh what a difference to us and for us both.

I found SR, found boundaries, enforced them and let him go.
He found he WANTED and needed to quit drinking, and did it for himself.

I am better at 65, than last year at 64, maturing at last.

transformyself

FreeBird, you Libras may be emotional, but you're also the guardians of the scales! Weighing everything out, looking for balance.

You'll find yours Darlin. Happy Birfday. From your Leo buddy. If you were here, I'd take you out and make you LAUGH!

isurvived

Happy Birthday Freebird!

Unfortunate your XA had to put a damper on it.

Me thinks it's time for you to spread those wings and leave that limb. There is so much more waiting out there for you!

Pelican

Happy Birthday Freebird!

I hope your dinner was fantastic!
Thank you for sharing your day with us.

Peace and hugs

FreeBird09

Thank you everyone.. very much. I had a great dinner and today I am getting my hair done, my sons girlfriend is a pro and she is doing it for me. The axbf called 3 more times yesterday, singing happy birthday.. I did speak with him the last time, and he said... 'I am sorry for all of this, I am a full blown alcoholic and I need help'. I said, get help, and until you make that decision for yourself there is no need for this contact because I won't allow you back in my life under these terms. He cried, we talked about how much fun we had when we were together and how the drink sucks the life out of everything. (mind you he was sober yesterday) He started with the blame game until I was firm with him and he just said.. I know, it is the drinking, and explained how hard it is for him to quit.

He said, at this point he can't be in a relationship with anyone (no duh) and that God isn't finished working on him so that he can be the man that I need and want (keeping me hooked with the words) and to trust that God will make it all better by healing him from his addiction (so I pray for, but not necessarily for my life) He has said all of these things before, a year ago.. and never followed through on anything.

I was good with it after the initial crying from yesterday morning/afternoon. I hung out with my sons and we laughed and talked about silly things. They have set up a big birthday bash for me this weekend with a local band playing.

Overall it was a good birthday. I thank God for my SR family being here when I cry and need a shoulder. I don't like to cry so I don't usually let anyone see my heart breaking.