driftwood

...I guess if I had any formal notion of my identity & where it intersects with alcohol, it's been something like "daily beer-snob, occasional wine novice".

I've never been treated for an alcohol related condition. Never missed a day (or an hour) of work because of it. I've never been pulled over, much less been cited for DUI...I guess, for these reasons and other, less obvious ones I'm just beginning to guess may be there, I've regarded my 15 year 4-6 beer weeknight and 6-8 beer weekend night habit just sort of a "regular joe" thing...big part of me still hopes I'm right about that, but reading many of the posts in this forum makes me question it.

I'm not even sure (though I'm grateful) how I found this forum. The way here started this sunday morning. I knew i was feeling sort of low energy & I guess that, on some level, I've been aware that my consumption hasn't been exactly optional (...it's not "normal" to hide the empty 6 pack containers from one's spouse under a layer of paper towels in the trash, right?). Maybe that's why I thought, "bet my liver just needs a break." I earn a living as a software developer, and a side effect of that work is that inquiries like that are bound to find their way to a Google prompt & a few dozen clicks brought me here.

So, I'm 41 years old. I started drinking actively when I was 18 or so, and during college and my early twenties, I drank huge quantities of alcohol in any form I could readily obtain, often but without a habitual pattern. However, when I was 24, I stopped completely when I began a martial arts practice and didnt drink at all for about 2.5 years. I spent some time in the Marine Corps after that, and in that environment started drinking again and on a more regular basis. Over the years that followed, I developed a real passion for the experience of good beer, learned to brew it myself with a buddy who's now a professional brewmaster at a good sized microbrewery. It just seemed to be a part of life and finer things, I guess. In any case, I've told myself often that I'm ok with my relationship to alcohol - I mean, sure...I drink a 6 pack daily, but compared to "the day"? I can't have a problem because my consumption went dowwwnnnn, right?? But after reading your posts and recognizing patterns you mention in my own behavior....that is starting to smell like rationalization.

...and now I'm pretty much confused. Which might be a euphimism for "I think I might have a problem but I'm not real sure I want to call it that". I haven't had any alcohol since saturday night, so thats what...90 or so hours? I don't seem to be having detox issues (maybe a little fog-headed?), but it's a nice surprise to wake up feeling so, I dont know...ready? Sort of light, if that makes sense? But I'm not at all sure what to do at this point. What I do know is that my quieter instinct said "nah, just close the browser & forget about it...take a break for a few days and you'll be fine". Since that sounds so obviously BS, I'm creating an account and making a post. Especially since I did the math, and...this is the longest I've gone without any form of alcohol in 15 years + 1 day.

I know this is kind of a long, rambly sort of post & I apologize for that. Not even sure what, if anything, I'm asking for. I do appreciate being able to read you guys' stories and the personal and compassionate way you support eachother is inspiring. If nothing else, just wanted to introduce myself...public part of my head insisting I'm not in need of support, private heart saying "you do".

thanks.

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

mariechi

Hi, I'm new here and probably not the best to give you any input. I definitely am an alcoholic and cannot handle the stuff.

I just wanted to say

Don't apologize for rambling or for checking out your concern. There are lots of good, experienced people here.

Good luck

suki44883

Welcome to SR, driftwood! Keep reading...there are a lot of good people here with a lot of helpful experiences to share. No one likes to think that they have a problem with alcohol, so we try pretty much anything to convince ourselves that we don't. But, like you said, deep down in our private heart, we usually know the truth. Kudos to you for listening to that private heart and admitting that you may, in fact, have a problem. SR is a great place to meet people just like you, who want to make positive changes in their lives.

Hevyn

Hi Driftwood. You don't have to ask a specific question - most of us have been where you are today & we understand the questions you're asking yourself. It isn't always a dramatic, catastrophic event that brings us here. At 41 you've probably developed a dependence on alcohol that you didn't have back in the beginning of your drinking career. You've heard it said alcoholism is a "progressive disease". Over time we come to tolerate large amounts of it (imagine what that does to our insides.) When I first started to drink - 2 beers did the trick, in the end it was a 30 pack. There could be a possibility that at some point your 6 pack at night will not be enough & you'll begin to increase your intake.

I can see why you're confused, since you are drinking less than you were at one time. You also stopped for a couple of years once. Since you're concerned enough to be questioning your habits, I think there might be trouble brewing down the road. It's great that you recognize this. I hope you'll continue to read and share with us.

Dee74

Hi Driftwood

I think it's great you listened to your private heart.

I was in much the same position when I came here - I was probably just one of the boys...despite the fact I drank all day every day....

My life changed thanks to the things I read here. I hope it's the same for you, whatever you decide

There's been some great advice here already - keep reading and posting!

Welcome!
D

PurpleCat

Hi driftwood. I'm very similar to you (except I'm a girl). I quit a couple of weeks ago, and feel much better. No detox symptoms (except for some anxiety the first few days - but then again, I have a problem with anxiety anyway).

I decided that it just wasn't good for me - especially being a lot closer to 50 than 20 - to be drinking that way every night. I like the way I feel not drinking at home. I like the way I feel getting up in the morning without the morning after feelings (I was never hungover, but certainly was feeling the effects - even if I didn't know it at the time).

I drank the last two days (at a conference). I didn't like how I felt yesterday and this morning!

I guess whether or not I can be labeled an alcoholic or a problem drinker or whatever isn't relevant to me. What is important is that I want to make a lifestyle change. Maybe that is where you are too?

Welcome.

Anna

Hi Driftwood,

It sounds like you know that you have a problem, though you are reluctant to admit it, even to yourself. I sure know what that`s like and I argued with myself for a long time. Denial is a huge part of addiction.

It`s my firm belief that no one finds this amazing website by accident.

driftwood

Wow, thank you all so much for such a warm & unexpected welcome. I'm very glad to have discovered this place. I feel very fortunate to have done so.

Seems like the mission of SoberRecovery is a community support effort, but maybe its worth mentioning that it functions very well as a cautionary tale for people like me.., As I've read some of your posts, I've been stunned to realize that it really can get that bad, and that's a good thing. I didn't realize it was humanly possible to survive some of the quantities related even once, much less habitually & it's frightening to think I'm potentially submitting myself to the same road some of you have already tread.

Bottom line is that I enjoy drinking, but only if I do it because I want to. I think I'm starting to understand that I'm reaching or am past the point where "want to" has anything to do with it.

thanks again for the welcome, hope to get to know you guys better.

Wolfchild

Carrie36

Welcome Driftwood!

I'm new to the recovery process myself, have a couple weeks under my belt now.

I just wanted to say that I think you articluated your thoughts and concerns very well. I hope you stick around and take in as much as you can, if nothing else come out of this with a healthier lifestyle

The people here have been so helpful and inspiring and Im truly grateful.


Thank you God for another day sobor

scotslad

Welcome mate

I am also new here and at a similar point of recognition as yourself. I have not made the big step to quit yet but that is coming in the near future. Good luck to you. I suggest you keep coming back here to share in teh experiences of others and get the support you need.

Gypsy Feet

your post made me cry a little. I am 8+ months sober and my life is amazing and wonderful today.

I was just an everyday beer drinker (with a few rum and cokes thrown in now and then). I drank for 28 years, but never in the morning, no dui's no missed work. I was the girl who told all the others what they did when they blacked out, the girl who cleaned up the puke, the girl who worried when her husband turned yellow and his sweat smelled decayed.

Somewhere I always knew that having beer in the fridge was far more important than it should be.

I am crying a little because I remember the day that all changed. A party, a few too many jello shots, a black out. . .

I'm not sorry that night happened, I guess it had to for me to land here. But I grieve for the girl who didn't know she had a problem until it bit her on the arse.

If you can quit before you "hit bottom", I highly recommend it

David 1

Welcome driftwood!

Just read Gypsy Feet's post over and over - I think she did a damn good job of encapsulating 28 years of wisdom in just a few short lines!

I also like her avatar; life can be so much more beautiful without daily hangovers!

Dave

FBL

Welcome, Driftwood!

Beer was my drink of choice. I drank mostly on weekends until about 10 years ago when I started in on "just a few" during the week. As the years flew by, my daily intake increased to an average of 12-18 during the week and about 24-30 a day on Saturday and Sunday. I always told myself that I was having a blast and didn't have a problem, since I never missed any work and I never touched the "hard stuff". I did get a DUI in 2003, but this only stopped me for a couple of months, then it was right back to where I left off.

Well, in June of this year my 43 year-old body finally said ENOUGH! and I ended up in the emergency room with an I-V stuck in my arm. I took this as a sign that it was time for a change. I decided that this lifestyle wasn't working and I poured all the beer down the drain and haven't looked back since that day.

The most important thing I learned is that I really have to WANT to be sober in order to stay sober.

Tazman53

Welcome to SR driftwood, you sound as though your drinking at 41 is just around where mine waas at that age.......... your awareness of your drinking at this time though is luckily for you light years ahead of where mine was at that time.

For the most part I felt I had no problem and figured that if I did, it was no big deal, both my dad and my brother were alcoholics and they had quit drinking and both of my grand fathers were alcoholics as well, one died when I was very young of stomach cancer and the other had quit drinking as well. So I just figured that if my drinking did become a problem I would just quit!!!

Long story short, by the time I was 42 or so, I started having some problems due to my drinking, first I figured I would control my drinking, I failed miserably, then I decided I would quit drinking, with out fail I would quit and decide "Well I can not be an alcoholic, because an alcoholic can not go this long with out a drink so I would start back drinking again.

This went on until I was about 47, at about this age I had to drink to just function on a daily basis. I went 5 straight years getting worse and worse the whole time I do not think I drew a sober breath.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, the sooner one quits the easier it will be...... not easy, but easier. I had to be medically detoxed and have maintained my sobriety using the program and fellowship of AA.

Here is a quiz you can take that may help you decide if you are an alcoholic or not. Alcoholics Anonymous : Is A.A. For You? In AA we say it is not how much you drink, nor how long you have drank for that determines whether one is an alcoholic or not, it is what happens when we drink that does.

Let me try and give you some pece of mind, if you determine you are an alcoholic, you are not alone, I am one as well. Know that there is life after booze, a life that is beyond your wildest dreams. For me I began a new life thanks to AA once I quit drinking, took the steps and apply them daily. It is not the end of the world.

Freeport

Gypsy Feet really nailed it with this line, Driftwood: "If you can quit before you 'hit bottom,' I highly recommend it."

You and I sound a lot alike Drift. I'm a bit younger, but I too stuck mostly with expensive, often locally brewed craft beers. Home-brewed myself, also. Kept telling myself that as long as I wasn't buying mass-produced beer by the case, then I wasn't like those alcoholics who don't know any better. Well, ethyl alcohol is ethyl alcohol whatever form one delivers it into the system.

Same story here. No DUIs, never missed work, hell even this week my wife questioned why I'm not drinking because she didn't think it was a problem. But bottom line, I could feel myself beginning to lose control, and deep down in my private heart (copyright Suki) I knew and still know beer or any booze no longer can be a part of my life. Coupled with the fact that there has been alcoholism in my family and my wife's family, and it's my responsibility to set an example for my kids. To help break the cycle.

It's only been 136 days for me, Driftwood, so I'm no expert. Our stories and backgrounds sound similar, however, so all I can suggest is to keep reading here on SR, let people help you, and post more yourself. The stories here definitely have helped me keep focused on the fact that I never want to hit rock bottom.

pennylane2009

Hey Driftwood,

Thanks so much for your post -- you and I stopped drinking on the same day, and sounds like we had pretty much the same revelation. I have been trying to "control" my drinking all summer, and it wasn't working. Got into two fights with my DH in the past weeks over drinking (one was because I drank all the beer, alone by myself, while he was out; the other was because I was late coming home to spend time with him so I could be out drinking with friends.) The second fight was Friday night, and it was a doozy. I woke up on Saturday and realized I had no idea if he was being irrational, or if I was being irrational, or if we were fighting over something else entirely, because I had been drinking so much the night before.

This is the line you wrote that really sticks with me:

"Bottom line is that I enjoy drinking, but only if I do it because I want to. I think I'm starting to understand that I'm reaching or am past the point where "want to" has anything to do with it."

I haven't told anyone in "real" life that I've quit. Not even DH. But I just know in my heart is something I have to do. I've been a heavy drinker for 18 years. First time I got drunk, I was 18, and I think I knew then that alcohol was going to be a problem for me. I spent the next night hunting around for more alcohol (to no avail) and looking for the next buzz.

It's time for me to be done, before my kids start seeing me as an alcoholic. Before I start damaging my body. Before I ruin my marriage. Before I gain another 20 pounds. Really, quitting now before hitting rock bottom is probably the best gift I can give myself.

Now I'm rambling ...

a fallen man

my hat goes off to every one of you that can recognize a potential problem BEFORE you hit bottom. trust me that i say that with all sincerety.

for a lot of us here, we did have to hit bottom....more than once. as bad as mine was and it was bad, i've read so many stories that mine pales to.

the human body is a remarkable thing in it's ability to regenerate and heal but in the back of my mind, i know that there is no way to ignore the years i've shaved off of my life with my drinking. those are years i will not get to spend with my two sons and someday if they have children, my grandchildren.

all because i seflishly chose to drink and abuse myself. all i can say for myself is that my plan is to never drink again. not because i wouldn't enjoy some of the effects in moderation. but because i have proven to myself and those around me that i CANNOT drink in moderation. i have quit for 3 months and 2 months in the last year and a half and both times thought "i can drink in moderation now". wrong. i can't.

i only have 16 days under my belt and i'll never say never because i have failed in the past but it is my goal and plan to never drink again.

sorry for so long of a post but i am really proud of you guys that have the insight to stop a problem before it really gets bad. good luck to you.

MeAndOnlyMe

Drinking with my friends used to be fun. Whether I drank too much or not enough, I typically had a good time. It was a nightly social event. No harm, right? Never had legal issues, never did anything stupid - I was a happy drunk.

Fast forward a number of years to marriage, children, career and all that...responsibility. Sometimes I drink because I'm bored. Sometimes it's just a bad habit I forget not to entertain, like eating your way through a pint of ice cream, not intending to nor realizing it. Except for me it's 3-4 bottles of wine each night. Every night.

I don't take care of myself. I'm seriously overweight. High BP Dx recently. Sleep horribly. Don't really exercise unless it's with my kids. No real relationship with my spouse any longer after years on opposite schedules. It sounds pretty lousy when I re-read what I'm typing but I know I've never hit bottom - I'm not nearly as bad off as some of the brutally honest peoples' stories I've read in these forums.

Intellectually, I know I should very much reduce my ETOH intake or give it up entirely. But I can't see an incentive. I function just fine for the most part. I don't jeopardize myself or family. I'll probably just die from liver or heart disease. I'm very well insured so my family will be fine. My kids are young enough where they probably won't even remember me later in life. My spouse and I are our kids parents instead of husband and wife really so I'm sure she would be fine in time. Maybe my dog would notice.

Now I'm getting sad. But no booze for me - not until after work the kids are put safely to bed tonight and all responsible, adult things are done for the day.