Selfish Feeling :(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 6
Selfish Feeling :(
Hi All - I am new to the site and already have received great support in 24 hours from the welcome threads. Just to give a quick background, I've been dating a guy for about 3 months and shortly after we got together I realized his drinking was a problem and in addition, uses vicodin.
Everyday after work he will buy a 12 pack of beer, and I believe uses vicodin anytime of day (no idea how much). He is proud of the fact that he functions, never uses the word addict. I've confronted him in a very shy manner that this will not work for me and he admits its a problem, but i haven't seen any progress.
First and foremost my general concern is for him, his body, and getting him better. This lifestyle is not something he can maintain. From what he says it comes from a lot of bad things that happened and it was his escape, but since he's met me he says it's the happiest he's been in years and i helped get him a job.
I'm doing all I can, but obviously it's not enough since I'm not strong enough to really confront him. When do I say that's it - if you don't make real efforts to stop that will be it for us? I know it's only been 4 months but I can't turn my back on someone who needs help.
The selfish feeling has been bothering me in the recent weeks. I want him to get better regardless of me and him, but I guess I worry about who he will become without the substances. I bet he does too. I'm just venting a little because I know in the end it's more important for him to be better than us to be together. Any relationship is about growing together, and for the best.
I'm sure a lot of you have been through this, maybe have similar feelings? Sorry for the long rant.
Everyday after work he will buy a 12 pack of beer, and I believe uses vicodin anytime of day (no idea how much). He is proud of the fact that he functions, never uses the word addict. I've confronted him in a very shy manner that this will not work for me and he admits its a problem, but i haven't seen any progress.
First and foremost my general concern is for him, his body, and getting him better. This lifestyle is not something he can maintain. From what he says it comes from a lot of bad things that happened and it was his escape, but since he's met me he says it's the happiest he's been in years and i helped get him a job.
I'm doing all I can, but obviously it's not enough since I'm not strong enough to really confront him. When do I say that's it - if you don't make real efforts to stop that will be it for us? I know it's only been 4 months but I can't turn my back on someone who needs help.
The selfish feeling has been bothering me in the recent weeks. I want him to get better regardless of me and him, but I guess I worry about who he will become without the substances. I bet he does too. I'm just venting a little because I know in the end it's more important for him to be better than us to be together. Any relationship is about growing together, and for the best.
I'm sure a lot of you have been through this, maybe have similar feelings? Sorry for the long rant.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by vaca7 
When do I say that's it - if you don't make real efforts to stop that will be it for us?
I don't know, hopefully a lot sooner than some of us-myself included-have. Naturally, this is something only you can decide.
You might try using a boundary instead, if you do a quick search here you'll discover the subtle difference between boundaries and ultimatums.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi vaca, welcome
my hubby of 23yrs is the addict in my life. i came here for the same reason as you, to find help for my hubby. i'm sorry to have to tell you but there really is nothing you can do to help your bf, he'll have to want to help himself. nothing you can say or do will make him want to change so try to focus on you and what you can do to make your own life easier.
read as much as you can, post as much as you like. alanon and naranon f2f support groups for family and friends are recommended. maybe you can search your area and begin attending a few meetings.
for me to get serious and seek help it took for my family to step back and allow me to suffer the consequences of my own actions. it took for me to hit my bottom. as long as i had someone to "help" to keep me afloat, it made it so much easier for me to continue my drug use.
until he's ready to help himself, his addiction will get progressive worse. i think maybe its time for you to decide is this the life you want to live for the long haul. after 21yrs of this addictive behavior, i had to detach from my ah in order to save my sanity.
you and yours are in my prayers.
my hubby of 23yrs is the addict in my life. i came here for the same reason as you, to find help for my hubby. i'm sorry to have to tell you but there really is nothing you can do to help your bf, he'll have to want to help himself. nothing you can say or do will make him want to change so try to focus on you and what you can do to make your own life easier.
read as much as you can, post as much as you like. alanon and naranon f2f support groups for family and friends are recommended. maybe you can search your area and begin attending a few meetings.
for me to get serious and seek help it took for my family to step back and allow me to suffer the consequences of my own actions. it took for me to hit my bottom. as long as i had someone to "help" to keep me afloat, it made it so much easier for me to continue my drug use.
until he's ready to help himself, his addiction will get progressive worse. i think maybe its time for you to decide is this the life you want to live for the long haul. after 21yrs of this addictive behavior, i had to detach from my ah in order to save my sanity.
you and yours are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
I went along for a very long and painful ride with my ex waiting for her to actually take action and change her life like she said she wanted too. There were a few little surges of effort but not enough to amount her changing her life. It spiraled downward for years until I finally had to accept that as much as she may have voiced it and probably even really wanted to change she just was not ready or capable of it at the time. I am now realling with the pain of staying so long, accepting subpar treatment, and the pain of having to walk away from someone I truely did care about (and the feeling s and commitment grew stronger over time making it even harder to leave).
I wish I had left a lot earlier than I did, but hindsight is 20/20. Good luck in figuring out what is best for yourself...and that really is the most important thing (not selfish at all...if you are not in a good place you will less capable of helping anyone else anyway).
I wish I had left a lot earlier than I did, but hindsight is 20/20. Good luck in figuring out what is best for yourself...and that really is the most important thing (not selfish at all...if you are not in a good place you will less capable of helping anyone else anyway).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by vaca7
I've confronted him in a very shy manner that this will not work for me and he admits its a problem, but i haven't seen any progress.
What are you going to do to support what is versus not acceptable to you.
Your reaction is the only thing you control. No fair expecting him to change, because you know what's best for him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by vaca7
First and foremost my general concern is for him, his body, and getting him better.
Three months in a relationship is hardly much time invested at all...and I promise you that being in a relationship with an addict will only lead to some dark places.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by truthhurts
Three months in a relationship is hardly much time invested at all...and I promise you that being in a relationship with an addict will only lead to some dark places.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
You are just not that powerful vaca7. It's not up to you.
You don't like the fact that he uses drugs and alcohol to "escape" from all the "bad things" that happened to him. You want to save him.
These are your problems. Not his.
This guy doesn't sound like he wants to be saved. You said it yourself. He drinks every day. He takes vicodin everyday. (And he's not even injured.) He's functioning and he's happier than he's ever been in his life.
Why not save a kitty or a puppy from the animal shelter? They'll appreciate it alot more. They actually want to be saved.
You are just not that powerful vaca7. It's not up to you.
You don't like the fact that he uses drugs and alcohol to "escape" from all the "bad things" that happened to him. You want to save him.
These are your problems. Not his.
This guy doesn't sound like he wants to be saved. You said it yourself. He drinks every day. He takes vicodin everyday. (And he's not even injured.) He's functioning and he's happier than he's ever been in his life.
Why not save a kitty or a puppy from the animal shelter? They'll appreciate it alot more. They actually want to be saved.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by vaca7
I know it's only been 4 months but I can't turn my back on someone who needs help.
My apologies for being so blunt
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 6
thanks for the honest replies, and i realize that i need to look out for me. as i said he's not exactly affecting my life negatively yet, i'm still at the point where i want to help - sure i have a couple days like when i wrote my original post... but good news, i more directly brought it up and progress looks promising. it's not going to happen over night but i know i can come here for guidance and the truth which is always good.
i'm glad i can feel selfish and it's ok... i'm not ready to give up yet... i just want advice on what to say/not to say... those al anon meetings sound like a good start. Information is what will help.
i'm glad i can feel selfish and it's ok... i'm not ready to give up yet... i just want advice on what to say/not to say... those al anon meetings sound like a good start. Information is what will help.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
i'm still at the point where i want to help
i'm glad i can feel selfish and it's ok
I wish you all the best. I know there are many (including me) who want to say RUN, since the relationship is new and the odds are pretty darn good that this will be a painful journey, but just like we can not control the addicts journey, we can only share our experiences with others. Glad you found us!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
Originally Posted by vaca7
thanks for the honest replies, and i realize that i need to look out for me. as i said he's not exactly affecting my life negatively yet, i'm still at the point where i want to help - sure i have a couple days like when i wrote my original post... but good news, i more directly brought it up and progress looks promising. it's not going to happen over night but i know i can come here for guidance and the truth which is always good.
maybe you can help me help my ah, hope you don''t mind me asking. i haven't given up yet, i just didn't know what else i could do so i quit trying to do anything except to watch his actions instead of his words.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
It is more of what not to do…
Help is the best thing not to do.
Do not help, do not enable, do not fix, cover up, lie for, make excuse for, help feed into the excuse he might make.
Watch real carefully what you will allow your head to excuse as well…
He will not need your pity, any thinking on any level that he is not capable of taking care of himself, saving himself, learning from every choice he makes…well if he is allowed to learn and no one walks in and does that make it all better for…
Drill it in your head that he is a grown man can live how he choose to and can use drugs if he wants….and know that you have the same right to live as you want too….
You are just starting out in this, you already see the signs, are looking for ways to control, to change, are already speaking in terms of what can you do for him and that isn’t a real good sign. I don’t tell anyone to stay, leave unless of course there is abuse…then one must run…
But I can tell you that if you take care of yourself and work on yourself then awesome things happen…and it doesn’t have anything do with them doing anything. It is kinda cool…
Educate yourself on codependency, and on addiction…
Keep your first, your hopes dreams, wants, needs…Do not keep this a secret, addiction thrives on the secrecy. Do not take this as personal as it isn’t about you. Look in your own mirror before you go to react to what he is doing.
Always remember you are only a victim once, after that you will be a willing participant in the game.
Good luck to both of you….
Inciting Silence
Help is the best thing not to do.
Do not help, do not enable, do not fix, cover up, lie for, make excuse for, help feed into the excuse he might make.
Watch real carefully what you will allow your head to excuse as well…
He will not need your pity, any thinking on any level that he is not capable of taking care of himself, saving himself, learning from every choice he makes…well if he is allowed to learn and no one walks in and does that make it all better for…
Drill it in your head that he is a grown man can live how he choose to and can use drugs if he wants….and know that you have the same right to live as you want too….
You are just starting out in this, you already see the signs, are looking for ways to control, to change, are already speaking in terms of what can you do for him and that isn’t a real good sign. I don’t tell anyone to stay, leave unless of course there is abuse…then one must run…
But I can tell you that if you take care of yourself and work on yourself then awesome things happen…and it doesn’t have anything do with them doing anything. It is kinda cool…
Educate yourself on codependency, and on addiction…
Keep your first, your hopes dreams, wants, needs…Do not keep this a secret, addiction thrives on the secrecy. Do not take this as personal as it isn’t about you. Look in your own mirror before you go to react to what he is doing.
Always remember you are only a victim once, after that you will be a willing participant in the game.
Good luck to both of you….
Inciting Silence
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Yes. Please educate yourself all you can on addiction and enabling and co-dependency. This website is a good place to start. Read everything - every stickie. every post, every book you can get your hands on.
You certainly seem like a well meaning person, but it is very easy to help an addict straight into his grave if you don't know what you are doing.
You certainly seem like a well meaning person, but it is very easy to help an addict straight into his grave if you don't know what you are doing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 6
Thanks for the references... I will def get my hands on what I can... I completely agree about the excuses portion - and not getting sucked into making excuses for him, listening to his excuses, or making excuses for myself.
Actions speak louder than words. In my particular situation I'm hoping the turn around in his life will be what gets him to stop since it was the downfall that made him start. I got him the job, and now he's about to get a car and he's saving money... I'm starting to see the change so things are looking hopeful.
My plan is to just keep positive and re-inforcing to him the upside of his life and how things are improving. If this proves not enough I'll have to come up with another plan. Til then I do have to live my own life.
Actions speak louder than words. In my particular situation I'm hoping the turn around in his life will be what gets him to stop since it was the downfall that made him start. I got him the job, and now he's about to get a car and he's saving money... I'm starting to see the change so things are looking hopeful.
My plan is to just keep positive and re-inforcing to him the upside of his life and how things are improving. If this proves not enough I'll have to come up with another plan. Til then I do have to live my own life.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
vaca7,
Two years ago I was at this exact point with merely a friend from 25 years ago. I too "helped" him and saw results in his "betterment". Here's the thing though, point blank, your boy is an alcoholic and an addict, no matter what the reason, how well he is functioning, how much he loves you, how happy is being with you, or any of the other BS he is feeding you. I "fell" for these same words from a person I did not even WANT to be involved with "romantically." It has taken me TWO YEARS OF HELL to really be successful in getting him out of my life. Your guy is going NOWHERE.
Where are YOU going? My advice is grab a compass, turn around, and walk toward YOUR future, not HIS.
On the other hand, maybe there is some very, very painful lesson you are meant to learn by continuing to be involved with him.
Two years ago I was at this exact point with merely a friend from 25 years ago. I too "helped" him and saw results in his "betterment". Here's the thing though, point blank, your boy is an alcoholic and an addict, no matter what the reason, how well he is functioning, how much he loves you, how happy is being with you, or any of the other BS he is feeding you. I "fell" for these same words from a person I did not even WANT to be involved with "romantically." It has taken me TWO YEARS OF HELL to really be successful in getting him out of my life. Your guy is going NOWHERE.
Where are YOU going? My advice is grab a compass, turn around, and walk toward YOUR future, not HIS.
On the other hand, maybe there is some very, very painful lesson you are meant to learn by continuing to be involved with him.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
