Ugh, gave up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Ugh, gave up
This week, I wanted two things from my alcoholic ex, and they're not unreasonable:
1. for he and his girlfriend to stop fighting in front of our daughter, as this is distressing her.
2. for him to communicate information to me that might affect me as a parent, in a timely manner.
Is either of these things going to happen? Not a chance.
He has convinced himself that it's healthy for our child to have a totally dichotomous existence between Mom and Dad's house, that during his days and weekends I don't need to know details like where she is, who she's with, and what she's doing, or how to get in contact with him in an emergency. Furthermore, according to him it's better to not restrain conflict in front of children, it's preferable to let them see things as they really are. And he's totally helpless to prevent these fights. And they're all his girlfriend's fault anyway.
QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!
I hereby re-institute no contact, as much as it can be done between parents, which turns out to be about 98%. Yes, this is the same person that I miss so much. At the same time, I like myself a lot better when I'm not around him.
thank you.
BG
1. for he and his girlfriend to stop fighting in front of our daughter, as this is distressing her.
2. for him to communicate information to me that might affect me as a parent, in a timely manner.
Is either of these things going to happen? Not a chance.
He has convinced himself that it's healthy for our child to have a totally dichotomous existence between Mom and Dad's house, that during his days and weekends I don't need to know details like where she is, who she's with, and what she's doing, or how to get in contact with him in an emergency. Furthermore, according to him it's better to not restrain conflict in front of children, it's preferable to let them see things as they really are. And he's totally helpless to prevent these fights. And they're all his girlfriend's fault anyway.
QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!
I hereby re-institute no contact, as much as it can be done between parents, which turns out to be about 98%. Yes, this is the same person that I miss so much. At the same time, I like myself a lot better when I'm not around him.
thank you.
BG
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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As these fights between him and his gf in front of your daughter can be and probably are very distressing to your daughter, I would suggest you get her into counseling, encourage her to open up to the counselor and then ask the counselor to write an opinion for the Family Court Judge with the intention of changing the parameters of the visitation order.
Depending on the Counselor's report the Judge may even order 'supervised' visitation. This is no longer about him, or you or his gf, it is about that precious daughter of yours.
You know these orders are not set in stone ................................. so to protect your daughter get a hold of your attorney and go from there.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Depending on the Counselor's report the Judge may even order 'supervised' visitation. This is no longer about him, or you or his gf, it is about that precious daughter of yours.
You know these orders are not set in stone ................................. so to protect your daughter get a hold of your attorney and go from there.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thank you for this :
Yes, this is the same person that I miss so much. At the same time, I like myself a lot better when I'm not around him.
And I hope you have success to day with NC. It DOES make us feel better doesnt' it? Why is there so much initial resistance? Cause once I have my own space, I like myself, I hang with folks who like me, and I am productive instead of obsessing about his crazy life.
Co-parenting with an Alcoholic is soo hard and stressful for me. It would be infinitaly easier to have had no children and walk away.
Yes, this is the same person that I miss so much. At the same time, I like myself a lot better when I'm not around him.
And I hope you have success to day with NC. It DOES make us feel better doesnt' it? Why is there so much initial resistance? Cause once I have my own space, I like myself, I hang with folks who like me, and I am productive instead of obsessing about his crazy life.
Co-parenting with an Alcoholic is soo hard and stressful for me. It would be infinitaly easier to have had no children and walk away.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Laurie hasit down in a nutshell. Daughter comes FIRST, and if her father is too busy fighting and quacking to stop the problem, it is up to you.
As this has occurred after the original visitation provisions were arranged, they need to be revised....and quickly.
Your daughter goes to see her dad, not referee fights between him and his gf, and while she is with him YOU should have an emergency contact number and know what she will be doing and where. I have no doubt that a Judge would let him know very quickly that he is playing games with you and it is unacceptable.
Counsellor and attorney need to be involved before your daughter is forced to endure any more distress.
God bless
As this has occurred after the original visitation provisions were arranged, they need to be revised....and quickly.
Your daughter goes to see her dad, not referee fights between him and his gf, and while she is with him YOU should have an emergency contact number and know what she will be doing and where. I have no doubt that a Judge would let him know very quickly that he is playing games with you and it is unacceptable.
Counsellor and attorney need to be involved before your daughter is forced to endure any more distress.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
BG, this sounds a lot like domestic violence, your daughters exposure to domestic violence is a form of child abuse. Most places will have domestic violence hotlines/support facilities, would urge you strongly to get help for your daughter now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
These are verbal fights only, though. I have never seen any tendency towards physical violence in my former husband, or drunk driving-- he's a stay-at-home-and-drink-alone kind of guy. He's decently high functioning at work and interpersonally (up to a point, and after that he's a couple of notches below clueless). I'm most concerned about what my daughter thinks is normal in a male-female relationship.
My state does not have any legal concept of custody. There's no primary residence, no visitation, only how much time is spent with mom and how much with dad. If I had been dead set on obtaining full time with her, I could have used the alcoholism card by pulling out our marriage counseling records-- they're admissible in court. But I chose not to.
My daughter and her dad have a good relationship, for now. They love each other. Currently, she's not threatening, she doesn't demand more than he is able to provide-- like, oh, adult emotional honesty. Someday he will answer to her about why he indulged in a relationship that was harmful to his child ("I think Daddy should never have gone in with [girlfriend's name]," she said mournfully to me a couple of weeks back. Her conclusion, not mine). For her childhood I decided that the better course of action was to leave their relationship intact, and trust her to be able to learn that what some things her dad does are not okay. And she is learning that, by herself. She loves her dad, and she has varying degrees of affection for his girlfriend-- but for stability, she has me. And for honest, loving conflict resolution, she has me and my companion of 2 years. She's seen less anger between my boyfriend and me in those 2 years than she does in the average week at her dad's, as far as I can tell.
I worry about how her childhood experiences will affect her relationships ten and twenty years from now, but the adult she will become will make her own choices no matter what her dad and I do. When I was her age, I had watched my mother die in a rollover car accident-- and I'm okay. It took a long time, but I am. I believe she will be too. And I might be wrong, but this is the best conclusion I'm able to reach.
Which isn't to say that I don't think counseling is a good idea. In fact, she's old enough for alateen now too, I think. What I think I'll do is get her a phone, and tell her that if she doesn't want to be at Daddy's house she can call me at any time... and hand the phone to them so I can tell them to shut up, if necessary. And in 3 years she can decide who she wants to live with, if it comes to that.
My state does not have any legal concept of custody. There's no primary residence, no visitation, only how much time is spent with mom and how much with dad. If I had been dead set on obtaining full time with her, I could have used the alcoholism card by pulling out our marriage counseling records-- they're admissible in court. But I chose not to.
My daughter and her dad have a good relationship, for now. They love each other. Currently, she's not threatening, she doesn't demand more than he is able to provide-- like, oh, adult emotional honesty. Someday he will answer to her about why he indulged in a relationship that was harmful to his child ("I think Daddy should never have gone in with [girlfriend's name]," she said mournfully to me a couple of weeks back. Her conclusion, not mine). For her childhood I decided that the better course of action was to leave their relationship intact, and trust her to be able to learn that what some things her dad does are not okay. And she is learning that, by herself. She loves her dad, and she has varying degrees of affection for his girlfriend-- but for stability, she has me. And for honest, loving conflict resolution, she has me and my companion of 2 years. She's seen less anger between my boyfriend and me in those 2 years than she does in the average week at her dad's, as far as I can tell.
I worry about how her childhood experiences will affect her relationships ten and twenty years from now, but the adult she will become will make her own choices no matter what her dad and I do. When I was her age, I had watched my mother die in a rollover car accident-- and I'm okay. It took a long time, but I am. I believe she will be too. And I might be wrong, but this is the best conclusion I'm able to reach.
Which isn't to say that I don't think counseling is a good idea. In fact, she's old enough for alateen now too, I think. What I think I'll do is get her a phone, and tell her that if she doesn't want to be at Daddy's house she can call me at any time... and hand the phone to them so I can tell them to shut up, if necessary. And in 3 years she can decide who she wants to live with, if it comes to that.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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Originally Posted by Jadmack25 
Laurie hasit down in a nutshell. Daughter comes FIRST, and if her father is too busy fighting and quacking to stop the problem, it is up to you.
As this has occurred after the original visitation provisions were arranged, they need to be revised....and quickly.
Your daughter goes to see her dad, not referee fights between him and his gf, and while she is with him YOU should have an emergency contact number and know what she will be doing and where. I have no doubt that a Judge would let him know very quickly that he is playing games with you and it is unacceptable.
Counsellor and attorney need to be involved before your daughter is forced to endure any more distress.
God bless
As this has occurred after the original visitation provisions were arranged, they need to be revised....and quickly.
Your daughter goes to see her dad, not referee fights between him and his gf, and while she is with him YOU should have an emergency contact number and know what she will be doing and where. I have no doubt that a Judge would let him know very quickly that he is playing games with you and it is unacceptable.
Counsellor and attorney need to be involved before your daughter is forced to endure any more distress.
God bless
However, the longer I entangled myself in this mess, the more I could see that "I" was the only level-headed adult in the situation. And not being related to the daughter, I could only say so much. So, now I've had to let this all go and hope that the girl eventually decides that she doesn't want to go over to her Dad's by herself. Even a supervised visitation situation would be better than it has been. Again, when a drunk is allowed to continue their bad behavior with no consequences, that just keeps them from bottoming out. There really is something about "enabling" and it isn't just the inner circle of people around the drunk...there are many who contribute to letting the cycle continue.
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