New and looking for a way forward
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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New and looking for a way forward
I'm new here so I will try to explain my story as best as I can. I know this is very long but if someone would please take the time to read it and respond I would be so greatful. I'll start by saying that I have never used drugs and I don't drink. It just isn't in me. I don't enjoy it and I have never had any desire to do it.
Anyway, about 3 years ago I met a wonderful man. We began dating and after a couple of dates he told me that he was an addict. He said that he wanted to be honest with me up front about his struggle. I appreciated his honesty and decided to continue to see him. We became very close and enjoyed spnding time with eachother and eventually we began living together. I love him so much and he said that he loved me too. He had been struggling to stay clean for a while and was using occasionally. He got laid off for almost a year and spent a lot of time alone at home. During that time I encouraged him to discover things about himself. To find a passion that he really enjoyed. To learn more about who he was as a person. To my surprise, he grew a lot during that time. Becoming much more confident and responsible, and discovering new things that he really enjoyed. We always got along great and didn't have anything to argue about so we rarely did. He went back to work and decided to start taking suboxone to help him maintain the physical absence of the drug and was being very responsible about it. He took his dose every day, went to his appointments, was saving money. We did things together that we both enjoyed and he seemed so happy. It was like he had found his lust for life again. The clean days slowly outweighed the using days and everything was going great. He reached 60 days clean and I felt like we were both moving in a new and better direction. But, a week after the 60 day mark he called me at work (out of the blue to me) and said that he packed all of his things and moved out.
I was completley taken by surprise. Everything had been going so well. He said that he didn't have feelings for me anymore and that he needs to be alone right now to sort things out. He said he cares about me and wants me to be happy but he just needs to do this right now. He said he still wants to be "close friends" and that he really enjoys my company but all he can offer me right now is friendship. He has called me every single day since he left, sometimes for practically no reason (or one that is obviously made up). He wanted to spend the day with me on Saturday so I went and he kept calling me "honey" and "babe" like he always did. He kept finding reasons for me to stay a little while longer, to stop by for a minute which turned into a few hours. He's staying with his parents and asked me if I wanted to see the room he was staying in. He pointed out to me that he has several pictures of me on his mirror and that he took with him some things that were purley sentimental. But when I try to talk to him about what's going on he just says "I already told you that I don't feel that way about you anymore".
After talking with him and seeing him a couple more times he said that he really wants to figure out how to be responsible on his own and how to be a good son. He feels like he ows his parents right now for everything he put them through and he can't be in a relationship and figure all this out right now.
So all of this left me feeling really confused. We started our relationship from a place of friendship and I always accepted him for who he was. I encouraged him to find his way and his sobriety on his own and he did but as soon as it got to that point he just packed up and left. When I told him that I thought we had built a strong foundation and that we had been through so much and always worked together to overcome any problems that we had together or individually and I didn't understand why he just walked away he just said he was sorry and he needs to do this right now. He said he wants to still have me in his life but he can't commit to being in a relationship with me right now. He doesn't want me to put my life on hold anymore becasue it isn't fair. He said he just doesn't have feelings "like that" for me right now. He never showed any sign that he was beginning to feel that way and he is still sending mixed messages about where his feelings are.
I told him that if I decide to remain friends since that is all he can offer me right now that there have to be boundaries (like not calling me "honey" anymore) and he said that's fine. He said that he enjoys my company and that seeing me makes him happy and he doesn't want to lose that.
I feel like he still cares about me but is telling me that he doesn't becasue he doesn't want me to put my life on hold. If anyone can give me some insight into where he's coming from I would really appreciate it. I don't think I fully understand what he may be experiencing being newly sober and overwhelmed. Does he just have so many things he's trying to sort out that he needs time to get on solid ground before he can be emotionally available for a relationship? I don't want to cut him out of my life. I feel like everyone has their own journey in life and just because he's an addict it doesn't mean he's a bad person. He's actually a great person. We always brought out the best in eachother and we both grew a lot in positive (but different) ways when we were together. I just want to understand where he's coming from and what he may be going through so I can better understand how to approach him from a place of friendship and support without putting myself in emotional turmoil.
Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
Anyway, about 3 years ago I met a wonderful man. We began dating and after a couple of dates he told me that he was an addict. He said that he wanted to be honest with me up front about his struggle. I appreciated his honesty and decided to continue to see him. We became very close and enjoyed spnding time with eachother and eventually we began living together. I love him so much and he said that he loved me too. He had been struggling to stay clean for a while and was using occasionally. He got laid off for almost a year and spent a lot of time alone at home. During that time I encouraged him to discover things about himself. To find a passion that he really enjoyed. To learn more about who he was as a person. To my surprise, he grew a lot during that time. Becoming much more confident and responsible, and discovering new things that he really enjoyed. We always got along great and didn't have anything to argue about so we rarely did. He went back to work and decided to start taking suboxone to help him maintain the physical absence of the drug and was being very responsible about it. He took his dose every day, went to his appointments, was saving money. We did things together that we both enjoyed and he seemed so happy. It was like he had found his lust for life again. The clean days slowly outweighed the using days and everything was going great. He reached 60 days clean and I felt like we were both moving in a new and better direction. But, a week after the 60 day mark he called me at work (out of the blue to me) and said that he packed all of his things and moved out.
I was completley taken by surprise. Everything had been going so well. He said that he didn't have feelings for me anymore and that he needs to be alone right now to sort things out. He said he cares about me and wants me to be happy but he just needs to do this right now. He said he still wants to be "close friends" and that he really enjoys my company but all he can offer me right now is friendship. He has called me every single day since he left, sometimes for practically no reason (or one that is obviously made up). He wanted to spend the day with me on Saturday so I went and he kept calling me "honey" and "babe" like he always did. He kept finding reasons for me to stay a little while longer, to stop by for a minute which turned into a few hours. He's staying with his parents and asked me if I wanted to see the room he was staying in. He pointed out to me that he has several pictures of me on his mirror and that he took with him some things that were purley sentimental. But when I try to talk to him about what's going on he just says "I already told you that I don't feel that way about you anymore".
After talking with him and seeing him a couple more times he said that he really wants to figure out how to be responsible on his own and how to be a good son. He feels like he ows his parents right now for everything he put them through and he can't be in a relationship and figure all this out right now.
So all of this left me feeling really confused. We started our relationship from a place of friendship and I always accepted him for who he was. I encouraged him to find his way and his sobriety on his own and he did but as soon as it got to that point he just packed up and left. When I told him that I thought we had built a strong foundation and that we had been through so much and always worked together to overcome any problems that we had together or individually and I didn't understand why he just walked away he just said he was sorry and he needs to do this right now. He said he wants to still have me in his life but he can't commit to being in a relationship with me right now. He doesn't want me to put my life on hold anymore becasue it isn't fair. He said he just doesn't have feelings "like that" for me right now. He never showed any sign that he was beginning to feel that way and he is still sending mixed messages about where his feelings are.
I told him that if I decide to remain friends since that is all he can offer me right now that there have to be boundaries (like not calling me "honey" anymore) and he said that's fine. He said that he enjoys my company and that seeing me makes him happy and he doesn't want to lose that.
I feel like he still cares about me but is telling me that he doesn't becasue he doesn't want me to put my life on hold. If anyone can give me some insight into where he's coming from I would really appreciate it. I don't think I fully understand what he may be experiencing being newly sober and overwhelmed. Does he just have so many things he's trying to sort out that he needs time to get on solid ground before he can be emotionally available for a relationship? I don't want to cut him out of my life. I feel like everyone has their own journey in life and just because he's an addict it doesn't mean he's a bad person. He's actually a great person. We always brought out the best in eachother and we both grew a lot in positive (but different) ways when we were together. I just want to understand where he's coming from and what he may be going through so I can better understand how to approach him from a place of friendship and support without putting myself in emotional turmoil.
Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
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Sounds fishy to me. My son left the woman he was living with for a year because he needed time.......and that time got him back into reah..(where he is now)))))). He's got the support and love from his gf and for that I thank her...Good luvk hon. Addiction is tough and I hope he's really being truthful with you.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 7
Forgetting that he has an addiction and is going through something, how would you normally keep yourself from emotional turmoil?
I love him enough to want to try to understand what he is going through and what role if any I am willing or able to play in his life. Like I said, I'd like to give him a chance to get on solid ground if that's what he's trying to do. But, I don't know what he may be experiencing becasue I'm not an addict. He isn't willing to talk with me about it at this point. At the same time, I'm not going to put my life on hold either. I'm trying to come from a place of logic and look at the situation from my mind and not my heart. For me, there is difference between feeling your emotions and drowning in them. I'm trying to step back and look at the facts from a non-emotional place so I can find my way forward.
I love him enough to want to try to understand what he is going through and what role if any I am willing or able to play in his life. Like I said, I'd like to give him a chance to get on solid ground if that's what he's trying to do. But, I don't know what he may be experiencing becasue I'm not an addict. He isn't willing to talk with me about it at this point. At the same time, I'm not going to put my life on hold either. I'm trying to come from a place of logic and look at the situation from my mind and not my heart. For me, there is difference between feeling your emotions and drowning in them. I'm trying to step back and look at the facts from a non-emotional place so I can find my way forward.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
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I'm trying to come from a place of logic
He's apparently said it several times now, that he isn't in to you romatically and that he needs his space to work on him. It could also be that he wants distance so the 'scrutiny' isn't there and he can once again use.
So ..................................... how about stepping back, giving him his space, get on with living your life, and see what his ACTIONS, not his words say as time goes on.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
We can understand the scientific end of addiction but, unless we're also recovering addicts, we'll never understand the rest of it.
At my daughter's rehab last year, we were told "wait for the question." If your former bf decides he needs your support, wait for the question. Then make sure it's not something he can or should be doing for himself.
He's been down this road before and he knows the ropes. For an addict, there is no occasional use; it's all or nothing. If he said he was using occasionally the entire time before subs, then he was using the entire time.
These last 60 days may be his first sober ones with you. No longer under the influence, he may realize that, just like he said, he no longer feels the same way. And like a lot of people, he might be feeling the loss of companionship and that's why he's clinging to you.
Then again, it might all be a bunch of BS like it always is with 'dry drunks' not working some kind of recovery program (didn't see a mention of one).
This is all why I asked what would you normally do to protect yourself, move on. His addiction belongs to him and only him. They have to own it and we have to let them, or we will be dragged down to a hell we never knew existed.
At my daughter's rehab last year, we were told "wait for the question." If your former bf decides he needs your support, wait for the question. Then make sure it's not something he can or should be doing for himself.
He's been down this road before and he knows the ropes. For an addict, there is no occasional use; it's all or nothing. If he said he was using occasionally the entire time before subs, then he was using the entire time.
These last 60 days may be his first sober ones with you. No longer under the influence, he may realize that, just like he said, he no longer feels the same way. And like a lot of people, he might be feeling the loss of companionship and that's why he's clinging to you.
Then again, it might all be a bunch of BS like it always is with 'dry drunks' not working some kind of recovery program (didn't see a mention of one).
This is all why I asked what would you normally do to protect yourself, move on. His addiction belongs to him and only him. They have to own it and we have to let them, or we will be dragged down to a hell we never knew existed.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
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If someone told me that they weren't 'into me' romantically anymore, I'd take them at their word and leave them alone. I think Chino hit the nail on the head when she asked you what you would do or think if addiction weren't part of the picture. Would this behavior be acceptable under any circumstances?
Your probably right...he's confused...but do you really want to compete with a drug for his love and devotion?
Your probably right...he's confused...but do you really want to compete with a drug for his love and devotion?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 7
Thank you for your insight. I know and understand that if a relationship isn't 2 complete people coming together then it isn't going to work. I'm confident in who I am and I never lost myself in our relationship and for that I am thankful. He is asking for my support but says that right now he can only offer me friendship in return.
learning to live for me
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
He wants you around when he wants you...
And you can be there to "give support" and leave when he wants to use (or whatever).
He wants a lot from you considering he just up and left.
I'd "support" him by cutting him loose.
If you didn't lose yourself in the relationship, (like you said) then this should be pretty easy.
Be thankful and take care of yourself!
He wants you around when he wants you...
And you can be there to "give support" and leave when he wants to use (or whatever).
He wants a lot from you considering he just up and left.
I'd "support" him by cutting him loose.
If you didn't lose yourself in the relationship, (like you said) then this should be pretty easy.
Be thankful and take care of yourself!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
Originally Posted by breakingfree88 
Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
He wants you around when he wants you...
And you can be there to "give support" and leave when he wants to use (or whatever).
He wants a lot from you considering he just up and left.
I'd "support" him by cutting him loose.
If you didn't lose yourself in the relationship, (like you said) then this should be pretty easy.
Be thankful and take care of yourself!
He wants you around when he wants you...
And you can be there to "give support" and leave when he wants to use (or whatever).
He wants a lot from you considering he just up and left.
I'd "support" him by cutting him loose.
If you didn't lose yourself in the relationship, (like you said) then this should be pretty easy.
Be thankful and take care of yourself!
i understand you haven't lost yourself in this relationship but imo, if you hang around long enough, you probably will. try to pay attention to his actions and not his words. if he is using, it will get progressively worse so you have to decide just how long you are willing to except his behavior.
my ah and i are separated now and as far as i know he's with him mom. i think he's there because he's still active in his addiction and there he can uses as much as he like without having someone to be accountable to. focus more on you and how you want your life to be in the near future and work toward that goal. he's not gonna change untiol he's ready and there is nothing you can do about it. you are in my prayers
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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Seeing a counselor today. He called me last night to ask me how to take our photos down off his facebook and to tell me he changed his password. To me, that's really all I need to know. Now I just need to sort myself out and figure out how to let go and move on. It's so hard to get out of thinking that it was somehow me. That I should have been more of this or less of that. I need to find my peace with the fact that all I could have been is me. I know in my head that this is about him and his problem but in my heart it hurts so much.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 102
Oh LouLou2.. I can relate to the pain in your heart right now 
I promise in about 2 months it lessons.. No matter what anyone says I know its going to be so hard to let go when you really loved him and wasnt ready for the relationship to be over. The best advice I can give you is try not to take too much time staying home upset.. go OUT with friends or family for lunch dinner coffee walks.. anything that gets you out and your mind off the situation.. My ex left me for another girl/cocaine so it was a stuggle for me as well. You'll never know if the addicts will come back or realise what they lost their minds can be too far gone (and they can be great actors) i hate how my parents and uncles thought my ex was just a charming nice young man LOL!
I really wanted to be friends with my ex when he broke up with me too.. NOW I know that wouldnt work because addicts cant really be friends with anyone... I really think you should stay away and take time for YOU. It will take time before your at that point (trust me i know) but each day WILL get easier, and SR is always here filled with great ppl who will listen
If you ever need to talk you can pm me and ill try and give u as best advice i can, hope you have a great day!
I promise in about 2 months it lessons.. No matter what anyone says I know its going to be so hard to let go when you really loved him and wasnt ready for the relationship to be over. The best advice I can give you is try not to take too much time staying home upset.. go OUT with friends or family for lunch dinner coffee walks.. anything that gets you out and your mind off the situation.. My ex left me for another girl/cocaine so it was a stuggle for me as well. You'll never know if the addicts will come back or realise what they lost their minds can be too far gone (and they can be great actors) i hate how my parents and uncles thought my ex was just a charming nice young man LOL!I really wanted to be friends with my ex when he broke up with me too.. NOW I know that wouldnt work because addicts cant really be friends with anyone... I really think you should stay away and take time for YOU. It will take time before your at that point (trust me i know) but each day WILL get easier, and SR is always here filled with great ppl who will listen
If you ever need to talk you can pm me and ill try and give u as best advice i can, hope you have a great day!
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 102
Its going to take time lou lou... im sorry ur upset today.. i really know that pain. I wish I could speed up the process for you but thats impossible. Just know EACH day really gets easier, (you wont believe that now) and in 2 months or so (each at their own pase) this WILL get easier k? Im not saying youll stop loving or end feelings for ur ex, I believe theirs a spot for everyone youve loved in your heart forever
You need to remember he LEFT you. No matter if he can only be a friend to you right now that is not a good idea, you need to cut ties and go NC right now, deleteing him off fb will be a good start. (nothing is worse than seeing those pics come down his status as single ect) Facebook is horrable for relationships, i used to have acsess to my ex's profile through his friends fb and i thank my hp his friend changed the password so i can no longer view the page, right now ur ex needs to straighten out. you need to see that this may NEVER happen and may be an ongoing battle for life with him. do you want to be in this situation forever? i truly believe that it is up and down with any addict of any type.. you will NEVER know what will happen next when theyll leave you come back to you it really will all work out how it is supposed to in the end.
post ur feelings let them out on here!
im sorry ur upset today.. i really know that pain. I wish I could speed up the process for you but thats impossible. Just know EACH day really gets easier, (you wont believe that now) and in 2 months or so (each at their own pase) this WILL get easier k? Im not saying youll stop loving or end feelings for ur ex, I believe theirs a spot for everyone youve loved in your heart forever You need to remember he LEFT you. No matter if he can only be a friend to you right now that is not a good idea, you need to cut ties and go NC right now, deleteing him off fb will be a good start. (nothing is worse than seeing those pics come down his status as single ect) Facebook is horrable for relationships, i used to have acsess to my ex's profile through his friends fb and i thank my hp his friend changed the password so i can no longer view the page, right now ur ex needs to straighten out. you need to see that this may NEVER happen and may be an ongoing battle for life with him. do you want to be in this situation forever? i truly believe that it is up and down with any addict of any type.. you will NEVER know what will happen next when theyll leave you come back to you it really will all work out how it is supposed to in the end.
post ur feelings let them out on here!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
so sorry you are hurting today, it will get better, i promise. i agree with lost, do what you can to change your thoughts whenever he comes to mind. i know its hard so try doing it minutes at a time if you can and minute by minute, one day at a time, you will get there.
you are not alone, we have all been there or is there now. we are here to help each other.
you have to believe that his actions has nothing to do with you. you've probably done all you could to be there for him, but he's an addict and he's just doing what addicts do. check out the stickies at the top of the forum page, lots of helpful info there.
again im sorry and i'll keep you in my prayers
you are not alone, we have all been there or is there now. we are here to help each other.
you have to believe that his actions has nothing to do with you. you've probably done all you could to be there for him, but he's an addict and he's just doing what addicts do. check out the stickies at the top of the forum page, lots of helpful info there.
again im sorry and i'll keep you in my prayers
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 7
It's so hard to let go. I don't have any family that is less than 2,500 miles away so I feel so alone. I feel like I lost so much more than just him. There are no more family events to attend (with his family), no more dinner with his parents. There's just me. The house is so empty and quiet and I feel like I have no one to turn to. I have friends but they have their own lives too. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that it's just over. He's gone. Just like that. So abruptly. We were just laughing and talking the week before he left about how well things were going and how we were really enjoying eachother and both growing in positive directions. Then, so suddenly he just decided that he didn't have feelings for me anymore and just left. He didn't even tell me in person at first and sent so many mixed messages. He said that he didn't want to settle down, didn't want kids, but I never asked him for those things and was confused about where that was coming from all of a sudden. When I tried to ask him how long he felt he didnt have feelings for me he said he didn't know but he didn't want that to happen but he can't change it. When I asked about it he comes from an angry tone with his answers but I didn't do anything so I dont understand where that's coming from. He won't come to the house to pick up his mail becasue he said it "too soon" for him. Now today, the facebook thing (he took our photos down and changed his password) and I don't have any choice but to believe what he's saying but it's just such a shock. How could anyone in my position not feel confused by the fact that his actions and his words are so often contradicting?
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
lou, i know its hard but can you try to let go one day at a time? try to not allow yourself to think about him for one minute at a time if you have to. do whatever you can to keep your mind from thinking about him and his behavior. it is what it is and there is nothing you can do or say to make he stop treating you this way other than you taking care of you and not allowing him to continue to hurt you this way.
my concern would be that maybe one day he might try to come back, especially since he's trying to keep the door open by wanting to be friends but it will get worse. have you talked to your family and friends about going back home? imo, i think he has done you a great favor by leaving even though i know you can't see it right now. its his loss, not yours.
my concern would be that maybe one day he might try to come back, especially since he's trying to keep the door open by wanting to be friends but it will get worse. have you talked to your family and friends about going back home? imo, i think he has done you a great favor by leaving even though i know you can't see it right now. its his loss, not yours.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 102
No one says you shouldnt feel Confused, Hurt, Lost, Sad, Upset, (list goes on) All of that is expected, Search some blogs about similar situations and read all the posts. That really helped me Reading any/all posts from any situation also helps! Facebook is BAD lol the users here know my facebook situations and let me tell u just delete him for a while. Keeping yourself conected right now in ANY way will NOT let you move on. Even though i can tell your not ready to do so yet. I Havnt even fully let go.
Let me tell you something.. THIS IS NORMAL FOR ADDICTS K? ITP could explain a simular situation and im sure many others.
-u should read through my posts but here's the just: My ex broke up with me after i took him on a carribean trip, out of the blue cold turkey.. had dinner plans. called him he said leave me alone i just want to drink with my friends.. of course i kept calling and things got bad and he ended it with me.
-we get back together in may, planning another trip talking about how we were on such good terms and things are going well ect ect.. he loves me to death all that stuff, July 4th lol i call him.... he tells me he has A GIRLFRIEND, i am annoying and what did i expect? and to stay the F away from his fam and friends... JUST LIKE THAT, one day i love you the next day were DONE. (not to mention he was on a 3 day no sleep coke bender and drunk)
but still..
POINT BEING: this is SO COMMON for addicts, you wont (no one will) ever understand their mind or the way they think and feel. i am so sorry i really understand what your feeling, its just going to take time.. try and take the steps to make it easier though
Your not Alone!
Reading any/all posts from any situation also helps! Facebook is BAD lol the users here know my facebook situations and let me tell u just delete him for a while. Keeping yourself conected right now in ANY way will NOT let you move on. Even though i can tell your not ready to do so yet. I Havnt even fully let go.Let me tell you something.. THIS IS NORMAL FOR ADDICTS K? ITP could explain a simular situation and im sure many others.
-u should read through my posts but here's the just: My ex broke up with me after i took him on a carribean trip, out of the blue cold turkey.. had dinner plans. called him he said leave me alone i just want to drink with my friends.. of course i kept calling and things got bad and he ended it with me.
-we get back together in may, planning another trip talking about how we were on such good terms and things are going well ect ect.. he loves me to death all that stuff, July 4th lol i call him.... he tells me he has A GIRLFRIEND, i am annoying and what did i expect? and to stay the F away from his fam and friends... JUST LIKE THAT, one day i love you the next day were DONE. (not to mention he was on a 3 day no sleep coke bender and drunk)
but still..
POINT BEING: this is SO COMMON for addicts, you wont (no one will) ever understand their mind or the way they think and feel.
i am so sorry i really understand what your feeling, its just going to take time.. try and take the steps to make it easier though Your not Alone!
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