I hate it!

Old 09-21-2009, 06:49 PM
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I hate it!

I have never felt so alone, nobody to talk to, can't call anybody. There will be a lot more days to come like this until next month. I have to tell them at the church tomorrow that I can't come in anymore until October because I can't afford the gas, and no meetings.

I never have been good at being by myself. A friend once said it's like kryptonite for me, and she was right. I don't want to go to bed, just stay up. Sometimes I think even AH would be better than this, and I wouldn't even care if he yelled at me, but I know that is so wrong.

When I was younger, I always pictured myself having a big family. I don't though. There is nobody. Sorry to dump on all of you, just feel sad tonight.
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Old 09-21-2009, 06:53 PM
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just hang in there. talk to people on here. things will get better. focus on yourself and always remember you're heading in the right direction
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Old 09-21-2009, 07:26 PM
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When I separated from my AH, I realized I needed to keep myself busy. I did some volunteer work, and I also got a part-time job at the perfume counter of a department store over the holidays (on top of my full time job). It was good for me and forced me to be out and among people who didn't know all of my drama... otherwise I spent way too much time home alone in my own head - not a good neighborhood to be in by myself!

An added bonus was some extra cash along with the employee discount!
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Old 09-21-2009, 07:31 PM
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Thank you. I just won't be able to go out for the next 3 weeks because I don't have gas in my car and can't afford it. I just can't ask the church for another gas card. They have given me so much already. I miss my daughter, don't know when she will come back. I won't be able to have my sons over because I can't feed them. I know I will be all right next month, but right now it hurts.
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Old 09-21-2009, 07:48 PM
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Now Cath, are you saying that some of the pain you are in could be relieved by asking your church for more help?

Let's explore that for a moment. If you gave help to someone who truly needed it, gained from it, and grew from it, would you help them again if they still struggled? I'm inclined to say you would. I believe that I would if able.

I don't see you as having squandered any of the love and support being offered you. Why do you feel so unworthy of help?

You are in a very tight financial spot right now, I know. There is good reason for this. This is not because you've paid off a gambling debt or drunk away your paycheck. You are trying to keep a roof over your own head.

Also, isn't the work you are doing at the church to pay back in the support being extended?

My friend, you are worthy of help. You are trying to do the next right thing to get back on your feet. Please give the church the chance to say no that they cannot help with additional funds for gas rather than assume you should not ask at all.

For someone else, it's just a tank of gas, but for you in these days, it is a lifeline. It's meetings, and work, and human contact. Would you at least reconsider asking for a gas card....for you....reconsider?

Alice
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Old 09-21-2009, 08:08 PM
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I just feel bad because they have already given me two gas cards and two food cards and over $500 to help with my rent, but you are right, the worst they could say is no.

I'm ashamed of myself. I blew my sobriety by taking too much medication tonight. Right now you are right. I don't feel worthy of anything. Tonight was the first night I had to skip a meal, trying to conserve. It was so embarassing to tell my first husband that I couldn't see our boys until October 11th.

Maybe I could ask the church though. I would work there forever if I had to make it all up to them. Thank you for saying it is an option.
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Old 09-21-2009, 08:36 PM
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Shame is such an ugly thing to me. It kept me from admitting the depth my binge eating. It kept me from seeking help for my health problems when in reality much of physical ailments weren't from my weight going up and up but side effects from a new medication. It kept me from reaching out to others and finding help much sooner for my codependency, and it kept me in an unhealthy relationship that compounded all of this.

You need love, patient, encouragement, and comfort from yourself....not shame. Now what did taking too much medication get you? It didn't put food on the table or make a friend materialize out of thin air or any of that. It just made you feel worse.

This is where recovery works when you work it. It is so hard when the times get tight and the tests of our resolve get tougher. Everyone here knows this. We are all there on the roller coaster with you. No one is getting off scott free we are all here doing the work. You can do this. We're here to listen and support. No one is judging. Let that shame go to some criminal out there who deserves it. They're out there, let them keep all the shame and guilt and persicution. We are all full up here, my friend!

I will make a confession to you Cath that I am a bit shameful for myself. See, I've gone no contact with my EX and he called around this time last week and left me a message. I mistakenly listened without checking caller ID and it was the same old "wondering how you are all doing" bologna. I know he's just checking up on me. Wants the skinny. Wants to see if I'm struggling. Of course he does, right? So I don't call him back. Well tonight there's a voicemail and my intuition tells me it him. I check caller ID, and it is in fact him. What do I do, I listen to the goshdarn message of course. He says he hasn't heard from me, hoping I'm all right. He's concerned. Well, my birthday's coming up. If I'm just avoiding him or if he's not able to reach me...happy birthday...uh, ok just wanted you to hear me say that. Bye.

Now where do you think my brain went with that....that's right....straight up the codie tree like a scared chipmunk. I start feeling guilty and upset and thinking he's going to get angry that I'm not calling him and he's going to start stalking me, and he only really means well right, he did wish me happy birthday. I had to say WHOA NELLIE!!!!

I deleted the message and went right to my CoDa pattern of recovery reading and scrolled right to the section on not living in other people's emotions and letting others live their own lives. It helped a great deal but it's going to take a few readings of that and all this chatting with you here on SR to get past this.

We can get past these things. We can and we will!

Alice
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Old 09-21-2009, 08:41 PM
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You didn't "blow" anything Cath. Think of it as a blip, not a "blow". I truely think that we can talk ourselves into some sort of relapse simply by focusing on the negative too much and being too hard on ourselves.
You're having a bad time at the mo but it will pass and you are worthy of help. You are a good cause, please don't think too badly of yourself.

I've been following your posts and I think you're doing fabulously. It takes guts and courage to believe you're worthy of more. Ok, you're lonely but please think back to those bad times, really think back. You can't truely want to go back to that.

Being alone sometimes is scarely, lonely, sometimes boring. It is what you make it though, do you have hobbies? Do you like reading? Libraries are free and can cause hours upon hours of entertainment if you get the right books. How about getting stuck into the housework, not exactly entertainment but can be theraputic.

Hang on in there. You're wrong when you say you have no one to talk to too, you have so many peeps here who are willing and able to walk beside you when you go through all this crap, you can get through it and you're doing amazing so far, don't let little blips spoil your progress.

*hugs*
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Old 09-21-2009, 08:45 PM
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Do you all think I should start at Day 1 and get a white chip again? I had 18 days, a record for me in the last 3 years.
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Old 09-21-2009, 08:53 PM
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And Alice, thank you for sharing that. I hope you felt better getting it out there. Please don't feel shame though, we all go through it.
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Old 09-21-2009, 08:57 PM
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What would make you feel better with yourself? new chip or keeping the old one?

Cath, I have gone without meals too... it is tough ((Cath))

Do you journal? Excellent time to pour all those destructive demons outside... ((I am thinking of you))
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Old 09-21-2009, 08:58 PM
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I might feel better taking the white chip again. I took those extra pills specifically to get messed up. Now I feel physically and mentally awful. I am tired, but can't sleep at all.
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Old 09-21-2009, 09:14 PM
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I agree with TC do what feels right to you. If you don't like the way this evening played out and the reasons you took the meds, then start over. Hey, it's tomorrow where you are, right? It's tomorrow where I am, too! Another day down another day dawning. No looking in the rear view mirror around here, look out ahead or you'll forget where you were going.

You are getting through this. You really are. Start a list of all the reasons not to overdo the meds and if you feel crummy put that at the top of the list. Put that list right by those meds so you can remember why you don't need to do that anymore.

We have new lives in their infancy and we have to watch over them carefully so they grow, Cath. Take that white chip if you feel it's right and start moving forward from there.

Now, I'm gonna get my butt to bed so I can get my mojo working for another day tomorrow. You're in good hands here on SR. I'll check back here tomorrow to see how you are. ((((Cath)))))

Alice
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Old 09-21-2009, 09:17 PM
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I really hope my sponsor doesn't dump me over this. I would hate to lose her.
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Old 09-21-2009, 09:57 PM
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If you are brutally honest with her I doubt she will dump you - after all honesty... HONESTY, and MORE HONESTY is at the core of the 12 step programs and any therapy if it is to be succesful...
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Old 09-22-2009, 01:36 AM
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Awake. I really messed up my system by taking those pills. Tired, but can't sleep. I don't want to be a wreck at the church tomorrow. Not much to say, you guys know it already. I probably need to talk to my sponsor as soon as possible and even to my HP.

I have to believe everything will be okay.
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Old 09-22-2009, 03:02 AM
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Cath dear, hang in there and don't let the misery gremlins drag you down. Yes, do give the church your financial circumstances, and see what they can come up with to help you thru til your ok.
Maybe use up some of the time to Google for information on subjects you need more education on, and of course keep busy here.

My prayer tonight for you and all here on SR is, as every night, that all needs may be met and strength and consolation be given to everyone in despair, and that peace come to all.

God bless
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Old 09-22-2009, 03:17 AM
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Thank you Jad.

My stomach hurts really bad. I have been up half the night, a lot of it crying. I'm so afraid of slipping into that bad depression again. Don't want another trip to the hospital.
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Old 09-22-2009, 08:12 AM
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Cath,
I hope you are well this morning. I hope you found some answers last night in your restless state. Somtimes when my mind takes off like that in the wee hours, I hit on some really tough stuff that I hadn't been consciously aware of.

I hope you made it off to the church today and found support there and not all financial support of course.

Thinking of you,

Alice
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Old 09-22-2009, 09:28 AM
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hey Cath, how are you?

hope you are doing better today. I too have suffered from horrible depressions in the past and know the fear of slipping back there. I often find though that the demons that held me in a grip of a dark, swirling, fear are far less scary once I've had some sleep. I am lousy when I'm tired.

No money until October the 11th: 19 days, less than 3 weeks.

You get to decide how to spend that time. This is in your control. I know this is a scary time for you right now, and everything is new, and you are worried about being left to your own devices. You are sad about not seeing your children, and as a mum, I know that must be dreadfully hard. But what would happen if instead of dreading the isolation, you embraced this as a retreat from the pressures of modern life? A time, not where you are forced to be away from your kids, but one where you are taking time out to heal. Not forever, but just for three short weeks. Perhaps that seems unrealistic right now, so punctuate it every day with some human contact, plan free activities for each day if you need to.

That could involve spending time working out what it is that you like to do, not what you are used to doing but what gives you some pleasure now?

If you are close to giving in and can't fill your time with contact from healthy people, perhaps fill your time with hard, tiring physical work: yard work etc. This will help you fall asleep and sleep well and accomplish something in return: a clean yard.

You say you are out in the countryside, just how isolated are you? can you go for a walk? can you walk to a neighbours house? Is there a local walking club you can join? can you walk to a nearby store? can you go looking for food (given that all the berries and fungi etc are out) so that you don't have to be hungry, can you plan for when you do see your boys, a harvest meal perhaps with things you find on a treasure hunt in your nearby locality, walk the route, plan activities for making things out of stuff you can find: there's a ton of craft stuff on the net for this kind of thing, as well as how to find food for free and cook gourmet meals with it.

Anyway, my point is, whatever you decide to do, it is in your control. Might well be very boring, but boring by itself won't kill you. You have internet access which opens a world of oportunities for information, entertainment, contact with others, on-line meetings......
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