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Old 09-21-2009, 01:07 PM
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working

So i stopped drinking on 14th July...

I have not been working since then and started a job last Thursday, with an official start date of today. It is the same work i was doing whilst drinking and gambling.

I have lost the mental obvsession (miracle) since stopping and have done some very hard work with my sponsor on the steps of AA, and have been regularly attending meetings.

This afternoon i was outside having a cigarette, then my mind drifted to last year in Barcelona and how i would have done things different if i could go back in time, why did i mess it all up? Why am i 38 and basically have nothing yet earn 6 figures a year? Wondering why i didn't go out to more wine bars and meet nice women, why did i always end up at home early drinking until i was ready to slump into a stupor? Wouldn't i now go back and just drink socially as i would be going to the gym and looking as good as i do now, slim, suited and booted. My confidence level would be growing like it is now and i would not feel so ashamed. Maybe i could go out now and it would be different? What about if i just took a little money to the casino and just had a few drinks instead of getting drunk, bet there are some cute girls in the marina tonight! If i go to the gym first then go out that would be ok and i'll bet someone from the office will be going out. This lasted on and off for about 3 hours, at times pacing up and down outside the front of the office building mumbling to myself.

Ok so this is what happened, i realised that it was all a lie, the only reason i would do things different now is because i am not the same person i was last year, or 3 months ago come to that...yes the guy now would be able to socialise better, would be up for doing more things, would continue being healthy, dressing up and working out...will have more money and a home...this is because the guy is now sober! I decided i was not going to fight the thoughts i was having and i knew they would go eventually. I realised that i was only having these thoughts because i was doing exactly the same job as before and, of course, i was going to have feelings associated with the work when i was in the old behaviour.

There are a few reasons why i came home, eat some dinner, had a quick snooze and am now enjoying watching the office whilst surfing SR:

1. God
2. AA
3. working the program/steps
4. Speaking to sponsor (he actually laughed and said yep normal, then we had a chat about it)
5. Committment to sobriety through AA including friends that i may lose, meetings that i would be potentially too embarassed to go to, going to the meeting in spain on saturdays, going for a meal with my new friends from AA on saturday nights, daily coffees with new friends and the shame and guilt that i remember as if it was yesterday.

Cunning, baffling and powerful...indeed!

I said to my sponsor tonight...i would be ****** without AA and i know 100% i would!

On a lighter side i see a CBT counselor (worked in residential 12 step for 20 years) every week, he is working alongside the AA program which is odd in itself i know, but he has seen me change a lot so is happy to suppport me. His last words on Friday were 'either this job will make you stronger and you will grow considerably in your sobriety or this job will make you relapse'...i thought yeah no way on the latter! Then my sponsor said much the same on Saturday night but also said that i was ready and that Someone wanted to see how i would handle it...you know they are both always right...consistently!

It's been a real good day:-)
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Old 09-21-2009, 01:14 PM
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yeah, that was a great post. congrats to you mi amigo. tenga buen dia. y no toma!!!
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Old 09-21-2009, 01:33 PM
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Good for you!

Addiction can be a relentless disease, and it's great that you are progressing and getting some good perspective.
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Old 09-21-2009, 01:46 PM
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Very inspirational post Glad you shared with us!
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Old 09-21-2009, 01:59 PM
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Congrats on things working out as best as they can today yeahgr8
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Old 09-21-2009, 02:03 PM
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You've come so far in this short time I've known you. Keep it up!
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Old 09-21-2009, 02:21 PM
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What a great post, Im on the last legs of day 1 and and that just gave me more hope and desire than ever to get through day 2, cheers yeahgr8.
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Old 09-21-2009, 02:54 PM
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thanks for that!
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Old 09-21-2009, 05:31 PM
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I've done similar things - this time around I always manage to talk myself out of being an idiot. It took me so many years to stop believing I could will things to be different if only I could have another chance. I'm so proud of you, and glad you wanted to share with us - onward you go - to a better life.
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Old 09-21-2009, 05:38 PM
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About your age... Totally relate. Just began seriously looking at jobs again and know I will face temptation. Thanks, your post is helping me prepare!
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Old 09-21-2009, 05:45 PM
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It's good that you feel so inspired!

I wish only better and better days ahead of you.

Congrats!
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Old 09-21-2009, 10:06 PM
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It was a perfect setup and you chose wisely, way to go! making the right choice makes life so much easier.
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Old 09-21-2009, 11:02 PM
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now thats progress..

and a nice post..

im chuffed your back and posting that stuff......

for a minute there i was debating whether to take a road trip down to barcelona and drag your sorry a>> out of the casiono/bar and nail you to the floor in a meeting

good news mate......real good.

shaun.
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Old 09-21-2009, 11:08 PM
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...and I was gonna ride shotgun LOL.

Good one Cliff - thanks

D
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Old 09-21-2009, 11:12 PM
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Forward we go...side by side.....
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