Making some preparations...Im sad and scared
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
Making some preparations...Im sad and scared
We are waiting to hear back from the therapist about when the marriage counseling appt. will be. I am hoping it will be this week!
In preparation, I am going to write down things that I feel are trouble spots. I plan to go back through my postings HERE to help me remember. You see, it's a strange phenomenon but in times when things are relatively calm with my husband I am so relieved I tend to "forget" the episodes of yesterday, last week, last month, etc. And I then question myself...Are things really that bad? LOL. So I will go back to all the stuff I have written here and in my jounaling. To refresh my memory.
OK, I am going to practice here what I want to say to the therapist: My husband tends to get unhappy about something(s) and then lashes out at me. I have been conditioned to feel very anxious about "what next." Oftentimes (in my opinion) his gripes are not really mine, but somehow they fall on me as if they are my repsonsibility. Over time with repeated episodes, I find myself beat down and insecure and worried about what will next upset him. That's it in a nutshell. It may not sound all that big of a deal, but its the effect it has on me emotionally and psychologically and even now physically.
Here is a teeny tiny example (I have many others). A few weeks ago when I got home from work I was greeted with anger. This is what he said: "My" dog has taught "his" dog how to escape from the back yard by climbing under the fence. They had crawled under that day, and it's all my fault. He was pretty enraged, and said a bunch of stuff of which I cannot even recall because I tend to block it from my memory. But the "effect" on me is what's the problem. What do I do in reaction? I get in a fear, scramble around to retrieve the dogs and make promises to fix the situation. But you see, I have backed myself into a corner, because I don't necessarily have the ability to control or fix things like this. Well, I sure try though. But as my husband accused me of last week, he sees a willingness, and that I am trying but where I fall short is on execution.
And if its not the dog its my kids. "Why do I fix their lunch for them before school when they are perfectly capable of doing it themselves?" (ummmm becasue I like to, it makes me happy to do this for them). And "Why does your son want to switch bedrooms - this is just out of control!!" Ummm because its a bigger bedroom and...well I don't have to explain. My resentment just grows and grows.
I feel like an idiot writing all this but for some reason this morning I had to get it out. I feel safe here and that is why I am writing. PLease love me and accept me. I appreciate you all so much.
In preparation, I am going to write down things that I feel are trouble spots. I plan to go back through my postings HERE to help me remember. You see, it's a strange phenomenon but in times when things are relatively calm with my husband I am so relieved I tend to "forget" the episodes of yesterday, last week, last month, etc. And I then question myself...Are things really that bad? LOL. So I will go back to all the stuff I have written here and in my jounaling. To refresh my memory.
OK, I am going to practice here what I want to say to the therapist: My husband tends to get unhappy about something(s) and then lashes out at me. I have been conditioned to feel very anxious about "what next." Oftentimes (in my opinion) his gripes are not really mine, but somehow they fall on me as if they are my repsonsibility. Over time with repeated episodes, I find myself beat down and insecure and worried about what will next upset him. That's it in a nutshell. It may not sound all that big of a deal, but its the effect it has on me emotionally and psychologically and even now physically.
Here is a teeny tiny example (I have many others). A few weeks ago when I got home from work I was greeted with anger. This is what he said: "My" dog has taught "his" dog how to escape from the back yard by climbing under the fence. They had crawled under that day, and it's all my fault. He was pretty enraged, and said a bunch of stuff of which I cannot even recall because I tend to block it from my memory. But the "effect" on me is what's the problem. What do I do in reaction? I get in a fear, scramble around to retrieve the dogs and make promises to fix the situation. But you see, I have backed myself into a corner, because I don't necessarily have the ability to control or fix things like this. Well, I sure try though. But as my husband accused me of last week, he sees a willingness, and that I am trying but where I fall short is on execution.
And if its not the dog its my kids. "Why do I fix their lunch for them before school when they are perfectly capable of doing it themselves?" (ummmm becasue I like to, it makes me happy to do this for them). And "Why does your son want to switch bedrooms - this is just out of control!!" Ummm because its a bigger bedroom and...well I don't have to explain. My resentment just grows and grows.
I feel like an idiot writing all this but for some reason this morning I had to get it out. I feel safe here and that is why I am writing. PLease love me and accept me. I appreciate you all so much.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi jehn,
I know this will sound weird, but....it's not time to be sad OR scared.
Marriage counseling is designed to help two willing participants work through these kinds of communication breakdowns, offering specific tips and techniques. It can be extremely positive. Try not to go into this thinking of it as judgment or crisis...think of it as trying your best to fix something that simply needs fixing, like a machine that isn't working as well as it could.
In your case, I hope, the counselor will coach you on how not to take these things personally, and how to say things like, Blaming me for what your dog does isn't fair, and I'm not going to accept it. Are we going to fix the problem, as partners, or would you just prefer to berate me about it?
You will find out soon enough whether he is a willing participant and an equal partner. And you can make appropriate choices then. For now, please try to clear your mind of the awfulizing and the what-ifs. All you can do is your best, and your best will be good enough.
You should not be treated like this. That is clear.
Good plan, looking back at all your posts!! Lots of useful information there.
XOX
GL
I know this will sound weird, but....it's not time to be sad OR scared.
Marriage counseling is designed to help two willing participants work through these kinds of communication breakdowns, offering specific tips and techniques. It can be extremely positive. Try not to go into this thinking of it as judgment or crisis...think of it as trying your best to fix something that simply needs fixing, like a machine that isn't working as well as it could.
In your case, I hope, the counselor will coach you on how not to take these things personally, and how to say things like, Blaming me for what your dog does isn't fair, and I'm not going to accept it. Are we going to fix the problem, as partners, or would you just prefer to berate me about it?
You will find out soon enough whether he is a willing participant and an equal partner. And you can make appropriate choices then. For now, please try to clear your mind of the awfulizing and the what-ifs. All you can do is your best, and your best will be good enough.
You should not be treated like this. That is clear.
Good plan, looking back at all your posts!! Lots of useful information there.
XOX
GL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
What you said makes so much sense! And how I could respond. I want to learn how to do that. At this time fear and intimidation gets in the way of me being able to make meaingful statements in my defense.
Standing up for myself. Beings with me. But I must first be willing to walk through the fear. His tone, words and accusations escalate when I try to defend myself - when hes pushed he launches into a whole litany of things I do wrong. His mind works so quickly he dregs up all kinds of things - that catch me off guard and which I cannot adequately repsond to. I only listen and let it beat me down. Its his method of trying to dominate over me. But I guess I still need to do it. And then walk away.
I will try not to project. But the quesiton in my mind remains...is this marriage ever going to work? I wish I knew the answer now.
Standing up for myself. Beings with me. But I must first be willing to walk through the fear. His tone, words and accusations escalate when I try to defend myself - when hes pushed he launches into a whole litany of things I do wrong. His mind works so quickly he dregs up all kinds of things - that catch me off guard and which I cannot adequately repsond to. I only listen and let it beat me down. Its his method of trying to dominate over me. But I guess I still need to do it. And then walk away.
I will try not to project. But the quesiton in my mind remains...is this marriage ever going to work? I wish I knew the answer now.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Is this marriage ever going to work?
It certainly isn't working for you now. It sounds like a horrible way to live and be treated. It is perfectly understandable why you are having trouble knowing what to say.....he has been and is being an emotional bully. He has been emotionally and psychologically abusing you.
It is OK to think and say, "This is not working for me. I do not like this." Have you thought about seeing and individual therapist? Mine was invaluable for me in my work of finding myself and my voice.
It certainly isn't working for you now. It sounds like a horrible way to live and be treated. It is perfectly understandable why you are having trouble knowing what to say.....he has been and is being an emotional bully. He has been emotionally and psychologically abusing you.
It is OK to think and say, "This is not working for me. I do not like this." Have you thought about seeing and individual therapist? Mine was invaluable for me in my work of finding myself and my voice.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I know you have done individual counseling too, and so a combination of that and marriage counseling may help answer your questions. That's what it's for.
Is it going to work? Maybe, maybe not. Will it be the end of your life & happiness if it turns out it doesn't? No. I too was with a bully for a long time, and finally decided he wasn't going to change his stripes.....in fact that's why he chose me, and why I chose him. He wanted someone he could "manage," through intimidation if necessary. I wanted someone to manage me (it made me feel safe at first)
I changed. I no longer wanted to be "managed." I wanted a true partner:
It took some time to find the courage to say that we weren't making each other happy any more. I'm glad I ultimately did.
It's okay to realize our mistakes and move on. Marriage counseling may tell you a lot about what you can expect. It will be your job to decide whether it's how you want to live.
And it's all okay.
Is it going to work? Maybe, maybe not. Will it be the end of your life & happiness if it turns out it doesn't? No. I too was with a bully for a long time, and finally decided he wasn't going to change his stripes.....in fact that's why he chose me, and why I chose him. He wanted someone he could "manage," through intimidation if necessary. I wanted someone to manage me (it made me feel safe at first)
I changed. I no longer wanted to be "managed." I wanted a true partner:
- Someone who'd say, "Hey, the dogs got out. Let's you & me go see how we can fix the fence"
- Someone who'd say, "Oh, THAT's why you still make their lunches. Oh well, cool. If it makes you happy."
- Someone who'd discuss things like kids wanting a bigger bedroom, without childish resentment.
It took some time to find the courage to say that we weren't making each other happy any more. I'm glad I ultimately did.
It's okay to realize our mistakes and move on. Marriage counseling may tell you a lot about what you can expect. It will be your job to decide whether it's how you want to live.
And it's all okay.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: East Coast
Posts: 90
You see, it's a strange phenomenon but in times when things are relatively calm with my husband I am so relieved I tend to "forget" the episodes of yesterday, last week, last month, etc. And I then question myself...Are things really that bad? LOL. So I will go back to all the stuff I have written here and in my jounaling. To refresh my memory.
Thank you for putting into words something I've been dealing with for a while. Loss of memory of the bad stuff, the stuff that makes me feel so insecure and worthless. My AH and I have been through marriage counseling in the past and I could never come up with things that were wrong or things I wanted to work on. It was so frustrating.
AH recently asked me for a list of "things" he could work on (b/c he trying to fix everything since I told him I want a divorce) and then told me that I have never been able to come up with a list for him. All I've ever told him was that I want him to stop drinking...
It's good to be here. It's good to know I'm not losing my mind after all.
Thank you for putting into words something I've been dealing with for a while. Loss of memory of the bad stuff, the stuff that makes me feel so insecure and worthless. My AH and I have been through marriage counseling in the past and I could never come up with things that were wrong or things I wanted to work on. It was so frustrating.
AH recently asked me for a list of "things" he could work on (b/c he trying to fix everything since I told him I want a divorce) and then told me that I have never been able to come up with a list for him. All I've ever told him was that I want him to stop drinking...
It's good to be here. It's good to know I'm not losing my mind after all.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
Our appt is this afternoon. In preparation for it I read back through my old posts...starting over a year and half ago...It was alarming! I was saying the very same things I am saying now. I was emotionally distraught back then and am worse today because of its affect on me psychologically and phsycially with stomach aches and anxiety-related things.
I am so disheartended by it. I have tried and tried, and worked at it, and sought help, and read books, and talked to sponsor and you guys, and prayed and attended meetings, and to the dr for anti-anxiety medicine. Whew. And here I am. An utter failure.
But on a more optomistic front: We are for the first time going to a an objective third party for some help. It's a start.
I wrote down on paper what I wanted to say in the session for fear I would fumble around and not be able to find the words. I used "I feel" statements. And will be as honest as I possibly can be.
I am so disheartended by it. I have tried and tried, and worked at it, and sought help, and read books, and talked to sponsor and you guys, and prayed and attended meetings, and to the dr for anti-anxiety medicine. Whew. And here I am. An utter failure.
But on a more optomistic front: We are for the first time going to a an objective third party for some help. It's a start.
I wrote down on paper what I wanted to say in the session for fear I would fumble around and not be able to find the words. I used "I feel" statements. And will be as honest as I possibly can be.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Jehnifer, you are going to counseling today. Why would you feel defeated before you even get there?
All of this inner work was not wasted just because you're still unhappy in your marriage. That's just faulty logic. You may just be unhappy with this marriage and what it's become....and you're going to try one more time to do something about it, and then make some appropriate choices. How is that failure?
Confusedly yours,
GL
All of this inner work was not wasted just because you're still unhappy in your marriage. That's just faulty logic. You may just be unhappy with this marriage and what it's become....and you're going to try one more time to do something about it, and then make some appropriate choices. How is that failure?
Confusedly yours,
GL
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Girl, my AH raged at me this way for years and do you know what I did?
I cried. I begged him to not leave me.
This isn't me, i'm a strong woman that people look up to.
But I was conditioned by my childhood to take respsonsibility for the abuse. It would trigger me into a state of hysteria, now I know that was abandonment only. Fear of abandonment.
This nightmare will end. You're seeking answers. They will come.
I cried. I begged him to not leave me.
This isn't me, i'm a strong woman that people look up to.
But I was conditioned by my childhood to take respsonsibility for the abuse. It would trigger me into a state of hysteria, now I know that was abandonment only. Fear of abandonment.
This nightmare will end. You're seeking answers. They will come.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
No! No! No! YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.
You are working on yourself and your problems at YOUR pace, and going for professional help is NOT a sign of failure either.
What a good idea to revisit old posts, see them in context with today, and make notes to help you put your story in a calm manner.
I see no failure, just someone going thru all options available, step by step.
God bless
You are working on yourself and your problems at YOUR pace, and going for professional help is NOT a sign of failure either.
What a good idea to revisit old posts, see them in context with today, and make notes to help you put your story in a calm manner.
I see no failure, just someone going thru all options available, step by step.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
Jehn - I've been where you are, for years and thought it was all my fault too. Read through some of my old posts, they scare the hell out of me that I stayed in that place for so long, but finally I nknew he was never going to change and I was going to be uttlery beaten down and lose myself.
Now i'm getting myself back, and its wonderful
I hope you find what you need in these session, whatever it may be
Hugs
S
Now i'm getting myself back, and its wonderful
I hope you find what you need in these session, whatever it may be
Hugs
S
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1
This really hit home with me...
...Standing up for myself. Beings with me. But I must first be willing to walk through the fear. His tone, words and accusations escalate when I try to defend myself - when hes pushed he launches into a whole litany of things I do wrong. His mind works so quickly he dregs up all kinds of things - that catch me off guard and which I cannot adequately repsond to. I only listen and let it beat me down. Its his method of trying to dominate over me. But I guess I still need to do it. And then walk away.
So glad to see it written and that others have the same things happening to them.
So glad to see it written and that others have the same things happening to them.
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