friends
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 13
friends
So I've been broken up with my ex-abf since july. I moved back across the country home after being away for 1 year. I'm having a really hard time getting along with my old friends. Anyone experience anything like this?
I keep getting into petty fights with my old friends, about totally small random things. I'll get hurt feeling about a small comment they make, that they don't even mean to hurt me, and blow up at them. Then they tell me I'm just "addicted to abuse" and pick fights with them, so they get upset with me so I can feel like a victim. This has happened between myself and 2 close friends, so I'm wondering if maybe they are right about this?
Sometimes I feel like also lashing out at my ex. We talk maybe once a week, and he is nothing but kind and supportive and keeps reminding me to live my own life, etc. He also reminds me that several of my close friends are addicted to drugs themselves, and probably not the best people to be around. But I always think, if I get them out of my life, then who will I have? Or maybe he's just being hostile towards them because they all never liked him because of his drinking (he isn't drinking anymore, going to AA, etc).Anyway, sometimes when I have a bad day I feel like calling him or emailing him and telling him off and saying to never ever contact me again. sigh.
Also, the majority of my friends I came back to are now all in couples. I have literally 1 close single friend, and she lives about 5 hours away. So it kinda drives me nuts hanging around with them sometimes and watching their affection or being the 3rd,5th,7th wheel at restaurants and outings.
I just feel like sometimes I can't trust them, and I can't talk to them about my feelings or anxiety. I don't want to push people away and I'm afraid I might be. Sometimes I just want to move away and start over completely.
Sometimes I feel like I moved away just for the weekend and not an entire year, and I guess I expected everything and everyone to be the same, and rejoin my places in my groups of friends. I dont know. Any advice?
I keep getting into petty fights with my old friends, about totally small random things. I'll get hurt feeling about a small comment they make, that they don't even mean to hurt me, and blow up at them. Then they tell me I'm just "addicted to abuse" and pick fights with them, so they get upset with me so I can feel like a victim. This has happened between myself and 2 close friends, so I'm wondering if maybe they are right about this?
Sometimes I feel like also lashing out at my ex. We talk maybe once a week, and he is nothing but kind and supportive and keeps reminding me to live my own life, etc. He also reminds me that several of my close friends are addicted to drugs themselves, and probably not the best people to be around. But I always think, if I get them out of my life, then who will I have? Or maybe he's just being hostile towards them because they all never liked him because of his drinking (he isn't drinking anymore, going to AA, etc).Anyway, sometimes when I have a bad day I feel like calling him or emailing him and telling him off and saying to never ever contact me again. sigh.
Also, the majority of my friends I came back to are now all in couples. I have literally 1 close single friend, and she lives about 5 hours away. So it kinda drives me nuts hanging around with them sometimes and watching their affection or being the 3rd,5th,7th wheel at restaurants and outings.
I just feel like sometimes I can't trust them, and I can't talk to them about my feelings or anxiety. I don't want to push people away and I'm afraid I might be. Sometimes I just want to move away and start over completely.
Sometimes I feel like I moved away just for the weekend and not an entire year, and I guess I expected everything and everyone to be the same, and rejoin my places in my groups of friends. I dont know. Any advice?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
When I left my EXAH, I thought the problem was solved. Little did I know how profoundly I had been affected by his alcoholism/addictions.
I continued to seek relationships with unhealthy men, and I think the only saving grace during that period was I was also in recovery myself from alcoholism/addictions. I had a whole new circle of friends who were healthy and in recovery.
If the friends you are hanging with are also active addicts, then what really has changed in your life? (you don't have to answer-just food for thought).
Alanon has given me a new way to live (in addition to AA). Perhaps you might give that a try because others have been where you are, with a lot of emotional residue from loving an alcoholic.
:ghug2 :ghug2
I continued to seek relationships with unhealthy men, and I think the only saving grace during that period was I was also in recovery myself from alcoholism/addictions. I had a whole new circle of friends who were healthy and in recovery.
If the friends you are hanging with are also active addicts, then what really has changed in your life? (you don't have to answer-just food for thought).
Alanon has given me a new way to live (in addition to AA). Perhaps you might give that a try because others have been where you are, with a lot of emotional residue from loving an alcoholic.
:ghug2 :ghug2
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
We are at very similar points in our journeys. I have been separated from my XABF for almost two months now. We had moved 5 hours away from friends and family and I have now moved back. I could not find housing so my friend took me in and I've been staying in her basement while I look for own place.
Sometimes I just want to move away and start over completely.
I get this feeling a lot. I am struggling with returning to old relationships because I know now that they aren't entirely healthy. I am having to learn how to live life a different way and how to avoid the pitfalls of putting my happiness in the hands of others and not myself. I know that I will have to seek out other relationships, but being a bit of a recluse makes this difficult. Also, one of the reasons I came back to old stomping grounds.
Have you read Cynical One's post on Codependency. She posted it over on the F&F of Substance Abusers Board. Lots of info there and really sheds light on what we are up against.
Just getting out of the unhealthy relationship isn't enough. The same way just stopping the drinking of alcohol does not equal recovery to an alcoholic. There is a reason a codependent seeks out abuse, drama, an addicted person, lost souls, sad sacks, or whatever they gravitate towards. The reason needs to be sought out and healed. Banishing people from your life isn't going to do it. If you don't find someone who fits the bill you will subconsciously create situations that satisfy your inner demons.
Have you consider CoDa meetings? Are you working through your own twelve steps? Individual therapy, if you can, might be a great way to work through these things?
Keep posting. There's more work after the break-up to be done. This is a great place to learn and get support.
Alice
Sometimes I just want to move away and start over completely.
I get this feeling a lot. I am struggling with returning to old relationships because I know now that they aren't entirely healthy. I am having to learn how to live life a different way and how to avoid the pitfalls of putting my happiness in the hands of others and not myself. I know that I will have to seek out other relationships, but being a bit of a recluse makes this difficult. Also, one of the reasons I came back to old stomping grounds.
Have you read Cynical One's post on Codependency. She posted it over on the F&F of Substance Abusers Board. Lots of info there and really sheds light on what we are up against.
Just getting out of the unhealthy relationship isn't enough. The same way just stopping the drinking of alcohol does not equal recovery to an alcoholic. There is a reason a codependent seeks out abuse, drama, an addicted person, lost souls, sad sacks, or whatever they gravitate towards. The reason needs to be sought out and healed. Banishing people from your life isn't going to do it. If you don't find someone who fits the bill you will subconsciously create situations that satisfy your inner demons.
Have you consider CoDa meetings? Are you working through your own twelve steps? Individual therapy, if you can, might be a great way to work through these things?
Keep posting. There's more work after the break-up to be done. This is a great place to learn and get support.
Alice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 13
thank you freedom1990. I think I definitely do seek unhealthy relationships. i went to one alanon meeting. i think that particular group of people werent right for me, and i couldnt bring myself to talk. that was a couple months ago. i should probably try again.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice 
Have you read Cynical One's post on Codependency. She posted it over on the F&F of Substance Abusers Board. Lots of info there and really sheds light on what we are up against.
Alice
Alice
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Let's see if i can post this link properly....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ship-self.html
I also find this site informative...
Welcome to Co-Dependents Anonymous World Fellowship
And this one has great reading suggestions and discussion threads...
Codependents Anonymous Getting Past Your Past
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ship-self.html
I also find this site informative...
Welcome to Co-Dependents Anonymous World Fellowship
And this one has great reading suggestions and discussion threads...
Codependents Anonymous Getting Past Your Past
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by mystolenshoes
thank you freedom1990. I think I definitely do seek unhealthy relationships. i went to one alanon meeting. i think that particular group of people werent right for me, and i couldnt bring myself to talk. that was a couple months ago. i should probably try again.
The nice thing about meetings is that you don't have to talk until you're ready.
Individual counseling/therapy has been a huge help to me too.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
Omg~
At almost 46 years of age, & with half my life spent in therapy of one kind or another, I thought I had a handle on codependency & where I was at personally. However my latest crisis has rattled my chain & I've been reading & thinking (& feeling!!!) with just a bit more awareness lately. I was feeling pretty scared about just how strong & deep & complex my issues are - & then I read the link you guys posted. Now I'm terrified. I think I have "end stage" codependency & it all seems way too hard.
I grew up in an alcoholic/codependent family, I have had relationships with alcholics all my life, I have teenage kids experiencing & acting out the consequences of being raised in all this dysfunction (which is devestating for them & me & everyone else involved) & I have alcohol/substance abuse/codependecy running rife through my extended family of origin & my in-laws.
I don't feel like I'll live long enough to unravel all this stuff. I feel totally overwhelmed - like it's too complex to even try to escape. Some days just living relatively painlessly in denial seems like a better option. I need help to do this, I can't figure it out on my own. Lord knows I've tried hard enough. But the same thinking that got me into this isn't getting me out of it that's for sure.
Helen
I grew up in an alcoholic/codependent family, I have had relationships with alcholics all my life, I have teenage kids experiencing & acting out the consequences of being raised in all this dysfunction (which is devestating for them & me & everyone else involved) & I have alcohol/substance abuse/codependecy running rife through my extended family of origin & my in-laws.
I don't feel like I'll live long enough to unravel all this stuff. I feel totally overwhelmed - like it's too complex to even try to escape. Some days just living relatively painlessly in denial seems like a better option. I need help to do this, I can't figure it out on my own. Lord knows I've tried hard enough. But the same thinking that got me into this isn't getting me out of it that's for sure.
Helen
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Helenlee - that's why we take baby steps and use the slogan 'progress not perfection'. You don't have to do it all at once!!! Breathe.
The best thing about recovery, for me, is that once I got started, I had much more energy and time for me! I wasn't pouring it all out on other people, I was focusing on me. You can do this. Changing isn't easy (bad habits are hard to break) but it is so worth it!
The best thing about recovery, for me, is that once I got started, I had much more energy and time for me! I wasn't pouring it all out on other people, I was focusing on me. You can do this. Changing isn't easy (bad habits are hard to break) but it is so worth it!
aka Glenna :)
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
I also lost quite a few friends in the 3 years I was with AH. They became frustrated and could no longer stand by and watch me destroy my life. I'm happy to say that recently some of them have come back around and been of great support.
Something about meetings...they are worth trying a few times. I have been going for about 18 days straight, and can I tell you I have never made more new friends in such a short amount of time before. And not just acquaintances, real and true friends who are supportive and listen and care about me.
I have to accept that some of my longtime friends may never come back around, but my door is always open and so is my heart.
Something about meetings...they are worth trying a few times. I have been going for about 18 days straight, and can I tell you I have never made more new friends in such a short amount of time before. And not just acquaintances, real and true friends who are supportive and listen and care about me.
I have to accept that some of my longtime friends may never come back around, but my door is always open and so is my heart.
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