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where do I begin?

Old 09-19-2009, 05:36 PM
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lotstolose
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where do I begin?

I've been using something since I was 13 years old, pot for twenty years. Of course it's true that we move on and I did, to pain pills. Been doing a strange drug called Ultram for ten years or so, a "supposedly" mild pain killer with minimal addictive qualities. Now they find it is really pretty bad and soon it will be schedule 2 narcotic whereas now you can get it over the internet. Anyway, it's too late for this guy, I was taking twenty or thirty a day for years. Still I held it together, hold a good job with a bright future. A year ago I divorced, she divorced me, the last straw was the money I spent on pills.

So now I live with the knowledge I drove away a loving and beautiful wife, pills are more important. I feel like nobody knows what addiction is like, it's a trap that pulls harder the more I need to get away from the pills. Of course that's not true, lots of people know what addiction is like, and got away from it. Anyway, I have graduated to "harder" drugs now and am ever so close to losing my house and job. I have access to very strong drugs which I use from time to time to cope with work. i am very well liked at my job but it's only a matter of time before I lose control and cannot function anymore. Sometimes when I'm withdrawling I can't wait to get to work, I count the hours before I can go into the bathroom and have my fix. Then I'm "ok" for a day or so. Today is just such a day, I can tell myself a thousand times to NOT do it, but no sooner am I within reach, I reach for that fix which I know will make feel human again, instantly. I need sombody to help me realize I can feel human again without drugs, it's an issue of time I guess. I can either feel great right now or so and so in a few weeks. At least that's how it seems to go. I've spent a week in detox ten years ago and was free of drugs for five years. I thought I was cured, that was a huge mistake.

I've interviewed and will most likely be selected for a very nice, high pay job. AT that point I'll have to be drug tested AND will have to perform a job without free access to good drugs (morphine). I live in a small town and NA meetings are few and far for this busy father, but I know that is what I need now. You look like a good bunch of folks, I've been stuggling on my own with this for years, no friends, just an X wife who loves me and is waiting for me to "grow up" but I am so hooked. I have kids eight, nine, and ten whom I enjoy joint custody. I am a good person, but weak I guess, I have everything going for me, tall, handsome, well -spoken. Most people think I am innocent as the driven snow. If they only knew nights of misery, of withdrawl, then the rush of gratification that comes with a fix. It is a rollercoaster I have to get off of.
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Old 09-19-2009, 05:43 PM
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Hi feelingfunky,

Welcome to SR

I'm glad you're considering meetings - I think you also need to consider a doctor...not matter how many times you've done it alone in the past, it's really in your best interest to have medical supervision when coming off something.

You'll find a lot of support here - I hope to see you around some more.

You may want to also check out our substance abuse forum

Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

glad to have you here
D
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Old 09-19-2009, 05:47 PM
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Welcome, feelingfunky. You will find a lot of great resources and kind people here. Keep posting and reading!
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Old 09-19-2009, 05:49 PM
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Hi and Welcome,

We do understand addiction and that it's very hard to stop. And, yeah, we are never cured, but we can and do recover. There is hope.

Addiction is not a character defect, it's a disease. The way we feel about ourselves when we are caught up in active addiction is horrible. And, that helps to continue the downward spiral.

As you look around here, you will find that lots of people have been where you are, and have recovered. You can do this!
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Old 09-19-2009, 05:57 PM
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Wow, the part about your ex' waiting for you to "grow up" I can relate to. My ex' saw my life the same way, never being anything more than a cigarette smoker herself, and it drove me crazy - still does. To this day, I know she looks down on me, for all my failures, and I think that sucks. But back to you! This forum is a good place to begin, at least I think so. I joined today and this is the first time in my life actually "reaching out" and trying to find answers to these problems so many of us here seem to share in common.
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Old 09-19-2009, 07:00 PM
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Welcome to SR
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Old 09-19-2009, 10:21 PM
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Old 09-19-2009, 10:23 PM
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