gk04

Hello, I've been browsing on this forum for guidance for a while. I finally joined so I can thank you for helping me have the knowledge to detach myself from a codependent situation. I didn't even know what codependency really was until I came here. Even though I have mostly detached myself from my ex-girlfriend it still hurts a lot.

What I'm puzzled about is why she kept on contacting me after I broke up with her. We were only together a few months. I didn't enable or supply anything related to her drug addiction. I'm not even sure she was a drug addict but her family does. We didn't live together, she never asked for money. In fact I tried to offer my help but she would push me away. I never pressed her to go to rehab or told her to stop using or anything like that. I even asked her what she wanted from me and she said that she didn't want anything from me. So why did she keep contacting me and explaining to me what was happening after we had broken up?

URMYEVERYTHING

Hi Puzzled. Welcome. I'm glad you were able to finally post and able to find the info. you needed.

I think the best person to ask is her. Have you thought to ask her directly why she continues to keep contacting you?

Also, she probably keeps contacting you, my guess, is because you continue to leave the lines of communication open. She may possibly think that you haven't completely detached and still confides in you because you allow it to.

Just my perspective.

IPT

I agree you need to ask her. Maybe she is not ready to totally let go, or gets something from you (support?, compasion?). Is her continued communcation an issue for you?

teke

hi gk. welcome. glad you joined us. you sound like a nice person, maybe thats why or maybe not. who knows the mind of an addict. it took me a long time to figure out i didnt have to know all of how's and why's of my ah's addictive behavior. i was losing my sanity trying to figure him out. you can always not except her calls. i always told myself, if i don't listen to the junk then i won't fall for the junk,

its good that you've detached from such an unhealthy relationship. continue to focus on you and what you want your life to look like.

gk04

I did ask her and she got mad at me and said she never wanted to speak to me again. I don't have an issue with the communication but the more stories I hear, half of them eliminate some suspicions and the other half confirms some of them.

URMYEVERYTHING

I'm a bit confused gk??

What are you looking for from her?

gk04

I thought about this and it made me realize that I may not be as fully detached as I think. I'm looking to provide her friendship and support after our breakup. But when she said she didn't want to speak to me anymore after I had confronted on why she kept telling me about her situation, the codependent in me resurfaced. I suppose I should have been glad when she said that but I guess that's why I'm here. My head is still spinning from all this. Hope it makes sense.

ItsmeAlice

I think it makes sense. Your situation seems to be a classic codependency issue to me. You continue to keep communication lines open because you want to provide her with support over the breakup....the breakup you initiated....you want to make sure she has support over an addiction that only she can control and seek support for.

There is a saying around here about keeping to your side of the street and within your own hoola-hoop and it sounds like you are still wandering over to her side. You've detached yourself physically but your emotional need to for her in your life remains.

As to why she keeps contacting you, I've asked that same question over my XABF. My suspicion is that he wants to know what's going on in my life and keep tabs on me, but in truth I know that his reasons will be skewed by his addiction and I can't really know why he does anything.

If your involvement with her was unhealthy enough for you to extracate yourself from her, than it remains unhealthy enough for you to continue to hear from her. Recovery from an addiction to a substance is always about more than just stopping the drinking or using the drugs and recovering from codependence will always be more than just changing your address.

Alice

gk04

I'm feeling very sad and depressed about this loss. I think it's finally hitting me that a person with some great qualities that I had a strong connection to may no longer be a part of my life. That really hurts.

Alice thanks for the great perspective.

teke

gk,
i'm so sorry you are hurting but it will get better. for me, "FOR THE REST OF MY LIKE" seems like a very long time. try to stay in the day that you are in. its ok to go ahead and feel the pain but do what you can to not stay stuck in that pain. do something you like doing or go somewhere you've always wanted to go. what can you do that your thoughts can get lost in doing? try to change every thought of her to something positive about anything other than her. i know its hard but maybe just try doing this for minutes at a time.

for now, try to think about the loss being only temporary. it really don't have to be forever. your choice to step aside may or may not be what it takes for her to reach her bottom and seek help on her own. there is always hope but it depends on whether you want to wait and for how long. remember you can always change your mind.

maybe/maybe not, but without you there to bail her out, you are allowing her to suffer the consequences of her actions which may just cause her to see the need to get help for herself.

when family cut me off allowing me to suffer the consequences of my actions, it didn't take all that long for me to figure out if i wanted to live, i HAD to do what i needed to do to save myself. today i have a few yrs sobriety and i'm so grateful that my family did step aside and today i have a much better relationship with my family than before addiction.
i hope this makes so kind of sense. you are in my prayers.