How do you get him to leave?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: VA
Posts: 85
How do you get him to leave?
This is my first time posting, although I've been a lurker for a few weeks now. Back in July, my AH went into serious DT's and ended up spending 8 days in the hospital. He supposedly "quit" drinking a year ago last spring, and I think he actually stayed clean for about six months. Then I started noticing little things. By June, I knew for sure. Turned out he'd been drinking vodka every morning, sleeping it off until I got home, and then started back up soon after. Of course he promised to quit, stopped and started, and then finally stopped and put himself into DT's that were so severe that even the people in the ER said they had never seen a case this bad. He gets out of the hospital on a Thursday. And is drinking again the following the Monday. At first it was once a week. Now its been 2 days of last 8 that he's been sober. So, today, I told him he had to get a job and look for a place to live.
Problem is, how do you get him to leave? He has no friends or family in the area, and has no job. He has truck and a little bit of money left from a job he left a year ago, but that would probably get him 6 months - and I've taken away his credit cards (because I pay them) and his truck keys (don't want a DUI on my insurance or risk getting sued). If I give them back, what about my liability for something stupid he might do?
He's sitting here as I write; swearing that he loves me, and can't live without me, and that I've given up on him. He says he hasn't had anything to drink today, but I don't believe him. I talked to an attorney friend of mine and asked her to recommend someone - I guess that's the only thing I can do. But, he needs to leave. I love him, but I hate the drinking and lying.
Problem is, how do you get him to leave? He has no friends or family in the area, and has no job. He has truck and a little bit of money left from a job he left a year ago, but that would probably get him 6 months - and I've taken away his credit cards (because I pay them) and his truck keys (don't want a DUI on my insurance or risk getting sued). If I give them back, what about my liability for something stupid he might do?
He's sitting here as I write; swearing that he loves me, and can't live without me, and that I've given up on him. He says he hasn't had anything to drink today, but I don't believe him. I talked to an attorney friend of mine and asked her to recommend someone - I guess that's the only thing I can do. But, he needs to leave. I love him, but I hate the drinking and lying.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Welcome to SR! Please read around.. I'm sure others will stop by to give you more detailed advice on what you should do but......
Because you are married, I would advise you to get a lawyer to give you advice on your rights.
Are you able to leave rather than him?
Because you are married, I would advise you to get a lawyer to give you advice on your rights.
Are you able to leave rather than him?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome to SR!!
I am glad you have found the resolve to make a healthy change in your life. That is a big hurdle to cross. Just getting to the point of having enough of everything that an addicted loved one throws your way can take years for some. For me it did.
I agree an attorney can best tell you your liability regarding his actions and the vehicle.
From an insurance perspective once it's been removed by the policy holder from the policy, the coverage will typically expire at midnight. If you are both named on the policy as the named insured(s) it will require both of you to okay removing the truck from the policy. Every policy has different little hoops to jump so check with your agent or your carrier's policy department. Just a tidbit from an once-was insurance adjustor.
As for the funds, six months is certainly enough time for him to get reaquainted with the real world. Shoot, I had three weeks from the time my EX was laid off from his job, which included our housing, to pack up my entire life (95% of what we had was mine) and move. I had very limited funds, which had been saved to pay a tax debt, I did not have friends or family within 5 hours of me for aid. I survived it, and by the way so did my EX. We spearated and he landed on his feet just fine with his truck, a job, an apartment the whole lot. You see, addicts have a way of doing that. We average folk find it harder for some odd reason.
Yes, I think 6 months is plenty of time. Don't linger too long over sorrow for him. Remember his actions are his own and therefore, his consequences are his own. He didn't consult you on whether to relapse or not, right? So let him feel the full effect of his decision.
Best to you,
Alice
I am glad you have found the resolve to make a healthy change in your life. That is a big hurdle to cross. Just getting to the point of having enough of everything that an addicted loved one throws your way can take years for some. For me it did.
I agree an attorney can best tell you your liability regarding his actions and the vehicle.
From an insurance perspective once it's been removed by the policy holder from the policy, the coverage will typically expire at midnight. If you are both named on the policy as the named insured(s) it will require both of you to okay removing the truck from the policy. Every policy has different little hoops to jump so check with your agent or your carrier's policy department. Just a tidbit from an once-was insurance adjustor.
As for the funds, six months is certainly enough time for him to get reaquainted with the real world. Shoot, I had three weeks from the time my EX was laid off from his job, which included our housing, to pack up my entire life (95% of what we had was mine) and move. I had very limited funds, which had been saved to pay a tax debt, I did not have friends or family within 5 hours of me for aid. I survived it, and by the way so did my EX. We spearated and he landed on his feet just fine with his truck, a job, an apartment the whole lot. You see, addicts have a way of doing that. We average folk find it harder for some odd reason.
Yes, I think 6 months is plenty of time. Don't linger too long over sorrow for him. Remember his actions are his own and therefore, his consequences are his own. He didn't consult you on whether to relapse or not, right? So let him feel the full effect of his decision.
Best to you,
Alice
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Tulsa, OK
Posts: 72
The police told me, time and time again, that because he had lived in my home for over six months, that he was a resident, that he had a right to be there, and that I would need to use the formal eviction process to remove him (the fact we were married was irrelevant they said - marriage didn't give him the right to be there - residency gave him the right to be there). However, if a violent incident occured, where I was harmed, threatened, etc., then I would have grounds to get an emergency protective order that orders him out of the home. They told me my third option was divorce.
This is Oklahoma law.
You can bet I will be thinking long and hard before I ever let anyone stay at my house again. I don't care how charming and wonderful they are.
This is Oklahoma law.
You can bet I will be thinking long and hard before I ever let anyone stay at my house again. I don't care how charming and wonderful they are.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: VA
Posts: 85
Unfortunately, leaving him would be a problem because I have three kids, two at home ages 8 and 12. If it were just me, I'd pick up and leave. Then there is the fact that as I'm the sole earner in the family, I pay the mortgage and all the utilities.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I think you need to get a lawyer.
I'm in a very similar spot. I started the legal process to get him out of the house, then withdrew it...and will probably finish it next week.
I read all the threads of the partners that leave without a word and I'm thinking 'Huh - I have the opposite problem. He's stuck like glue.' - or maybe more like a soul sucking leech.
I'm not in a good place today.
Good luck. I know exactly how confusing and painful the whole business is.
I also think 6 months of him being able to get buy is a *gift* and like more then enough. My AH has a truck and a suitcase.
I'm in a very similar spot. I started the legal process to get him out of the house, then withdrew it...and will probably finish it next week.
I read all the threads of the partners that leave without a word and I'm thinking 'Huh - I have the opposite problem. He's stuck like glue.' - or maybe more like a soul sucking leech.
I'm not in a good place today.
Good luck. I know exactly how confusing and painful the whole business is.
I also think 6 months of him being able to get buy is a *gift* and like more then enough. My AH has a truck and a suitcase.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Unfortunately, leaving him would be a problem because I have three kids, two at home ages 8 and 12. If it were just me, I'd pick up and leave. Then there is the fact that as I'm the sole earner in the family, I pay the mortgage and all the utilities.
I would call the police and see what the law says. You may need to move out and sell the house. They will do anything to make leaving them HARD. Because they need you there to keep enabling the disease.
It has felt really good lately to let AH feel the consequences for his actions.
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