a break...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: AL
Posts: 34
a break...
My mom lives a few hours away. I decided that sunday, I am going to go see her. I am going to spend a week LIVING. I am going to go to bed on time and sleep like a baby. I am going to take a break from the madness not only with the dealings of my ah but within my own head.
I am going to each day, just enjoy the kids, myself and some company. One thing I seem to not have much of these days is friends or company outside of my ah. WE have friends....his friends. Little by little, I let him isolate me from my own friends.
Strange but I feel anxious about even telling him I am going away for a week. Because I know he'll throw a fit. At 36 years old, I seem to think I need permission to take a week to visit my mom or really, need permission to take a break. I need to get comfortable with giving myself permission.
I'm not sure I was ready for all of this when I told him we couldn't be under the same roof. At the same time, I did it and ready or not, I cannot take that back. Anytime I have in the past, the abuse is worse than the time before....it's as if he owns even more of me, more of my power, more of my life. I can NOT do that to myself anymore!
this doesn't feel good yet, I don't feel empowered. I feel lost but with one foot in front of the other and my compass set on NORTH, I have to believe I can figure it out.
I am going to each day, just enjoy the kids, myself and some company. One thing I seem to not have much of these days is friends or company outside of my ah. WE have friends....his friends. Little by little, I let him isolate me from my own friends.
Strange but I feel anxious about even telling him I am going away for a week. Because I know he'll throw a fit. At 36 years old, I seem to think I need permission to take a week to visit my mom or really, need permission to take a break. I need to get comfortable with giving myself permission.
I'm not sure I was ready for all of this when I told him we couldn't be under the same roof. At the same time, I did it and ready or not, I cannot take that back. Anytime I have in the past, the abuse is worse than the time before....it's as if he owns even more of me, more of my power, more of my life. I can NOT do that to myself anymore!
this doesn't feel good yet, I don't feel empowered. I feel lost but with one foot in front of the other and my compass set on NORTH, I have to believe I can figure it out.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
ok i have never seen a rainbow "on fire" until today, lol
i am worried about your kids and your safety, rainbow... can you arrange to go away while he is out? or have a friend / neighbor be with you while you prepare to leave? later you can drop the friend off at her or his home or something.. in that way he has to control himself... even if you don't know your neighbors too well... i am sure one of them will be glad to help out.
i have seen many abusive people get much worse when they notice they start losing power over someone.... please be careful ok?
i am worried about your kids and your safety, rainbow... can you arrange to go away while he is out? or have a friend / neighbor be with you while you prepare to leave? later you can drop the friend off at her or his home or something.. in that way he has to control himself... even if you don't know your neighbors too well... i am sure one of them will be glad to help out.
i have seen many abusive people get much worse when they notice they start losing power over someone.... please be careful ok?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: AL
Posts: 34
he isn't staying at home with me at this time, he is staying elsewhere. I hear what you are saying and I see him getting more mean and attempting to control more when I pull away. I believe it's why I get anxious at the thought of going to visit my mom.
With that said, I have often just gone and then tell him once I am there. However, he uses this against me telling me it's wrong. And that is wrong. It's wrong to just go but this is a wrong situation and "normal" rules don't apply. He wants me to apply normal rules to this crazy situation. If I say that and i have and pay for it dearly, he tells me I am making up justifications for my lies and behavior. In his eyes to go see my mom and not tell him til I get there, I'm lying. He thinks I have to tell him because he deserves to know where his kids are at all times.
wow, this is just crazy. on one hand I am staying in "our " house. Although it is supposed to be mine as well as his....I do feel a little uncomfortable being here. Maybe because in the past I leave him in the house because I viewed it as if I am in "our" house, it's just a means for him to control.
With that said, I have often just gone and then tell him once I am there. However, he uses this against me telling me it's wrong. And that is wrong. It's wrong to just go but this is a wrong situation and "normal" rules don't apply. He wants me to apply normal rules to this crazy situation. If I say that and i have and pay for it dearly, he tells me I am making up justifications for my lies and behavior. In his eyes to go see my mom and not tell him til I get there, I'm lying. He thinks I have to tell him because he deserves to know where his kids are at all times.
wow, this is just crazy. on one hand I am staying in "our " house. Although it is supposed to be mine as well as his....I do feel a little uncomfortable being here. Maybe because in the past I leave him in the house because I viewed it as if I am in "our" house, it's just a means for him to control.
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