New to Forum Need Advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 32
New to Forum Need Advice
My alcoholic husband had been getting progressively worse over the past few years. I have 3 children the oldest now in college. Last winter my youngest daughter began having academic problems for the first time in school. She was pulled out of the class on a daily basis to be tested for learning disabilitys. This was heartbreaking as it was so upsetting to her. I needed to fill out form after form and at the last minute on the final form put down that my husband was an alcoholic, much to his dismay. I didnt care I wanted to get to the bottom of it. At the same time my husband constantly harassed and verbally abused and insulted my 16 year old son. It was just terrible. Long story short I made him leave our home in May, in a few weeks my daughters academic problems with memory problems etc were gone. The teachers and administrators couldnt get over it, but I always knew in my heart he was causing her problems. In the meantine I took my son to a psychiatrist because I was so concerned about his anger. He was okay according to the doctor.But he has not spoken a word to my husband in 4 months. last week he sent a text to wish him happy birthday' he wont answr the phone when he calls. My son texted back dont. My husband has never tried to apologize or discuss anything that has happened. He just thinks he is a disrespectful kid. He is in fact not. Seems my husband was so upset about this he told his brother who now also thinks he is a punk. He also thinks I am wrong for making my husband leave. It is my job to protect my kids, and that is what I did. It breaks my heart to think his family cares more about him than my kids welfare. I dont know what to do anymore.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome cagreg9!!
You will find SR to be a place of understanding and support and sometimes a little tough love when needed. I have been here since January of this year and it has been the answer to many years of feeling the way you are now. I was at a loss. I had tried everything. I could only complain so much and cry and beg and debate I was finally at my wits end.
Through recovery I learned to cope living with my alcoholic boyfriend of 10+ years. To learn to detach from his addict thinking and manipulations and to understand that what others outside of my situation (save those who had lived through it themselves) thought was meaningless.
You are already farther along that I had been when I first reached out. You are doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. For these I commend you!! It would seem that now it is time to learn the tools to move forward with your life along with your children and to function and interact with your addicted spouse in healthier and safer ways for all of you. He may never seek recovery for himself, but you and your children certainly can do so.
If you have not looked into Al-Anon meetings in your area and Al-Ateen for the kids, it will be recommended by those here.
Please check out the sticky threads at the top. There is a lot of helpful information there and quite a few books that will be helpful as well for you and your children.
again, Welcome to SR, keep posting and sharing. Many more will be a long to share as well.
Alice
You will find SR to be a place of understanding and support and sometimes a little tough love when needed. I have been here since January of this year and it has been the answer to many years of feeling the way you are now. I was at a loss. I had tried everything. I could only complain so much and cry and beg and debate I was finally at my wits end.
Through recovery I learned to cope living with my alcoholic boyfriend of 10+ years. To learn to detach from his addict thinking and manipulations and to understand that what others outside of my situation (save those who had lived through it themselves) thought was meaningless.
You are already farther along that I had been when I first reached out. You are doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. For these I commend you!! It would seem that now it is time to learn the tools to move forward with your life along with your children and to function and interact with your addicted spouse in healthier and safer ways for all of you. He may never seek recovery for himself, but you and your children certainly can do so.
If you have not looked into Al-Anon meetings in your area and Al-Ateen for the kids, it will be recommended by those here.
Please check out the sticky threads at the top. There is a lot of helpful information there and quite a few books that will be helpful as well for you and your children.
again, Welcome to SR, keep posting and sharing. Many more will be a long to share as well.
Alice
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
It breaks my heart to think his family cares more about him than my kids welfare.
I'm sorry that this has happened to your family. It appears that his family (brother) is in denial about the addiction to alcohol and the turmoil it has caused your immediate family. You won't be able to change their minds.
It is wiser to spend your precious energy on taking care of yourself and your children. According to your post, you are on the right track.
I agree with Alice that you may find Alanon meetings and Alateen meetings helpful to your family as you recover from the effects of having lived with active alcoholism.
I have 3 children. Two teens at home and one 21 year old. I have recommended Alanon to the oldest, and I have taken the teens with me to an open Alanon meeting. At the open meeting, my children met a group of wonderfully caring people and learned that we were not alone. Many people have experienced the same things we did while living with active alcoholism. It helps to know that you are not alone.
You will find lots of support and wisdom on this forum. Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home. We're glad you are here and we care about you!
I'm sorry that this has happened to your family. It appears that his family (brother) is in denial about the addiction to alcohol and the turmoil it has caused your immediate family. You won't be able to change their minds.
It is wiser to spend your precious energy on taking care of yourself and your children. According to your post, you are on the right track.
I agree with Alice that you may find Alanon meetings and Alateen meetings helpful to your family as you recover from the effects of having lived with active alcoholism.
I have 3 children. Two teens at home and one 21 year old. I have recommended Alanon to the oldest, and I have taken the teens with me to an open Alanon meeting. At the open meeting, my children met a group of wonderfully caring people and learned that we were not alone. Many people have experienced the same things we did while living with active alcoholism. It helps to know that you are not alone.
You will find lots of support and wisdom on this forum. Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home. We're glad you are here and we care about you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I dont know what to do anymore.
Yes you do! You're doing it! Just keep doing the next right thing for your kids and for you!
Last winter my youngest daughter began having academic problems for the first time in school. She was pulled out of the class on a daily basis to be tested for learning disabilitys. This was heartbreaking as it was so upsetting to her. I needed to fill out form after form and at the last minute on the final form put down that my husband was an alcoholic, much to his dismay. I didnt care I wanted to get to the bottom of it. At the same time my husband constantly harassed and verbally abused and insulted my 16 year old son. It was just terrible. Long story short I made him leave our home in May, in a few weeks my daughters academic problems with memory problems etc were gone. The teachers and administrators couldnt get over it, but I always knew in my heart he was causing her problems.
This is advocating and taking action for the mental health and well-being of your child. I really admire you for making that choice. I wish my Mom had done that. The one time I dared to "say it out loud" that maybe I was angry and sick and tired of pretending because Dad is an alcoholic she slapped me right across the face. I never felt so alone. So lied to.
Your son has every right to be angry at his father. Can you get him into some alcoholic family specific counseling? AlAteen or AlAnon is free, and anonymous. I wish I had discovered AlAteen when I was a kid-- but I can say when I finally did get into AlAnon in my twenties it turned my head around. Great stuff.
peace-
b
Yes you do! You're doing it! Just keep doing the next right thing for your kids and for you!
Last winter my youngest daughter began having academic problems for the first time in school. She was pulled out of the class on a daily basis to be tested for learning disabilitys. This was heartbreaking as it was so upsetting to her. I needed to fill out form after form and at the last minute on the final form put down that my husband was an alcoholic, much to his dismay. I didnt care I wanted to get to the bottom of it. At the same time my husband constantly harassed and verbally abused and insulted my 16 year old son. It was just terrible. Long story short I made him leave our home in May, in a few weeks my daughters academic problems with memory problems etc were gone. The teachers and administrators couldnt get over it, but I always knew in my heart he was causing her problems.
This is advocating and taking action for the mental health and well-being of your child. I really admire you for making that choice. I wish my Mom had done that. The one time I dared to "say it out loud" that maybe I was angry and sick and tired of pretending because Dad is an alcoholic she slapped me right across the face. I never felt so alone. So lied to.
Your son has every right to be angry at his father. Can you get him into some alcoholic family specific counseling? AlAteen or AlAnon is free, and anonymous. I wish I had discovered AlAteen when I was a kid-- but I can say when I finally did get into AlAnon in my twenties it turned my head around. Great stuff.
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
cag,
Welcome to SR!
I also strongly recommend AlAnon, shop around-find a group that feels comfortable to you and give it a try for 6 weeks - something you can do for you.
I'm sorry for what has brought you here. Please know that by asking your husband to leave, you were doing what you felt was right at the time and you have seen positive results since. Do not accept guilt or negativity from anyone outside of your home and immediate family - they do not live your life.
Others will be along w/more experience, strength and hope soon. Welcome!
Welcome to SR!
I also strongly recommend AlAnon, shop around-find a group that feels comfortable to you and give it a try for 6 weeks - something you can do for you.
I'm sorry for what has brought you here. Please know that by asking your husband to leave, you were doing what you felt was right at the time and you have seen positive results since. Do not accept guilt or negativity from anyone outside of your home and immediate family - they do not live your life.
Others will be along w/more experience, strength and hope soon. Welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 32
Thanks for all your kind words and encouragement. This has been a very difficult time for myself and my kids. I neglected to add that my brother-in-law is a recovering Alcoholic and I am floored by his words and opinions.
He also kindly told me that being an alcoholic is the same as having Cancer or Diabetes, because Alcoholism is classified as a disease. Well I'm sorry I'm an R.N. and take care of numerous people with all kinds of diseases. Taking that drink of alcohol is a choice, people with other diseases don't have that choice.THE YOUNG MOTHER WITH BREAST CANCER DOESN'T HAVE A CHOICE.
After my AH left four months ago he has had virtually no contact with his children. Our finances are a mess, and I just got laid off. He has basically abandoned us emotionally, financially and physically. A few weeks ago he decided to send me 300.00 a week. Thats about enough to feed the kids and get gas etc.Our mortgage is already 2 months behind. He doesn't care. I have been married to this man for 23 years, and I don't know him anymore. He does not even tell us where he is living. I will be going to Alanon tonight, right now its about the only thing to hold on to.
He also kindly told me that being an alcoholic is the same as having Cancer or Diabetes, because Alcoholism is classified as a disease. Well I'm sorry I'm an R.N. and take care of numerous people with all kinds of diseases. Taking that drink of alcohol is a choice, people with other diseases don't have that choice.THE YOUNG MOTHER WITH BREAST CANCER DOESN'T HAVE A CHOICE.
After my AH left four months ago he has had virtually no contact with his children. Our finances are a mess, and I just got laid off. He has basically abandoned us emotionally, financially and physically. A few weeks ago he decided to send me 300.00 a week. Thats about enough to feed the kids and get gas etc.Our mortgage is already 2 months behind. He doesn't care. I have been married to this man for 23 years, and I don't know him anymore. He does not even tell us where he is living. I will be going to Alanon tonight, right now its about the only thing to hold on to.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'm glad you have plans to attend Alanon. Let us know how your meeting goes.
About the BIL. Is he a recovering alcoholic or just a sober alcoholic? A recovering alcoholic is someone that has a recovery program to learn to deal with life on lifes terms. How to handle stress and conflict without turning to alcohol. How to have healthy relationships without lying, manipulating and blame. A sober alcoholic is someone who stopped drinking and that's all there is to them. They still lie, manipulate and blame. They don't take resposibility for their actions, blame others, and can be just as miserable sober as they were drunk. See the difference?
Time to focus on you. You can't fix your BIL, your AH or his family. Carrying around all that resentment is like have a bus strapped to your back. It will weigh you down and keep you from achieving serenity.
Peace and hugs to you!
About the BIL. Is he a recovering alcoholic or just a sober alcoholic? A recovering alcoholic is someone that has a recovery program to learn to deal with life on lifes terms. How to handle stress and conflict without turning to alcohol. How to have healthy relationships without lying, manipulating and blame. A sober alcoholic is someone who stopped drinking and that's all there is to them. They still lie, manipulate and blame. They don't take resposibility for their actions, blame others, and can be just as miserable sober as they were drunk. See the difference?
Time to focus on you. You can't fix your BIL, your AH or his family. Carrying around all that resentment is like have a bus strapped to your back. It will weigh you down and keep you from achieving serenity.
Peace and hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Wonderful choice on the meeting! Sometimes that is all you have to hold to, and you know, that's okay. There are people there holding onto the very same thing. They will be glad just to see you there in whatever condition you arrive. It is a powerful thing to have a group share their experiences especially over something that ellicits such a sense of shame and isolation as addiction does.
For me, when I found this site and made the decision to reach out, just the shear number of folks understanding where I was coming from gave me strength and resolve that I could not find.
Hold on to that meeting and hold onto your recovery like a life raft. You are worth the effort!!
Alice
For me, when I found this site and made the decision to reach out, just the shear number of folks understanding where I was coming from gave me strength and resolve that I could not find.
Hold on to that meeting and hold onto your recovery like a life raft. You are worth the effort!!
Alice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 32
another sad day
My AH got laid off from his job the othe day. He says it doesnt have anything to do with his drinking. He is very angry(what else is new)I have been thinking about call his boss, to get his take on it. I wouldn't be confrontational, just want to ask him some simple questions. The loss of this job has huge implications like it would be for everybody, but my oldest daughter is getting a free ride to college as a benefit. This just breaks my heart. Should I call? If I dol what would I say? I feel I need answers and can't believe half of what my husband says.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Have you filed for legal seperation from your AH? Job or no job, he is responsible for child support and household expenses. He can get a job at the 24 hour market if needed.
Why do you want to speak to his boss? It won't change anything. He is still fired. He is still an alcoholic. His job, his problem.
A lawyer will get the answers if you are trying to prove alcoholism.
Why do you want to speak to his boss? It won't change anything. He is still fired. He is still an alcoholic. His job, his problem.
A lawyer will get the answers if you are trying to prove alcoholism.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 32
I'm not trying to prove his alcoholism,I already know he is. I'm just so curious, and it isnt even I told you so that I want. I havent filed for legal separation yet, what will that get me? He gives me a whopping 300.00 a week wit three kids and thats it. It cost 200.00 for food a week. I just hate my life right now and feel like this is all happening to someone else. It was always the one thiing I feared the most, as it effects the future of my three children and their college choices.
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