Please ADVICE - INPUT

Old 09-17-2009, 09:42 AM
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Please ADVICE - INPUT

Going to try to make this as short as possible. I have been friends w/an alcoholic for years, have not lived in the same town until the last 1-1/2. He is a sweet loving person not ill mannered..just a bad alcoholic and I have just been at my witts end the last few weeks. I guess he is more a boyfriend now than a friend. He basically does NOT funucation and his life is a mess. He knows few people in town, has some family that I am/was very close to but have washed their hands of him or he has them...I pretty much stop seeing him or started avoiding w/o saying all together, kept the lines of communication open but limited because I was tired of it. He just wasn't getting better and told him he could let me know when he needed help and I'd always love him but had to take care of myself. He finally called for help and think he is serious or thinks he his certainly would like to be. He has no job/insurance. I took him to ER stayed w/him until the family could get there and then they took him to detox center They seem to think he is their star patient because he wants to be there, he is also very loving, clean cut and sensitive which I am sure helps. But this is also a controlled environment so time will tell. I don't know how long they will keep him; since he does not have insurance I do not know what will happen to him next althought he needs some in house Long term treatment. I know there are places here that can take them for 30 days -if they have space. I know it is going to be hard for him to be sucessful if he does not have more than detox or a program. His family in town - love him but don't know that they will to go the extra mile or if they are even getting invovled with care but I would like them to as I would like to see him beat this and be given a fair chance w/support. The family here drinks often and living w/them is probable not the best but he can NOT live w/me. If he goes back to the same town w/parents and friends there is little if any work there and for the intial enviroment it might not be good either. I am tired, don't want the responsiblity and don't know if I am even able to help. It could be that I hurt him more than help him. I am hoping they will step up and take over. I have no idea what the process is when they are released from Detox or if he just calls for someone to pick him up. I have plans to be out of town and glad that I do - so he has to call his family. They will do it but hope they don't take him back to an apartment w/o electric....no job...no food...no money. However, they take him to their house - beer every day. I really think to them - he needs to learn to live w/it. This is true but seems it wouldn't be health off the bat. I do not want him to feel I am not supportive or have abandon him. I know he loves me a great deal as I do him. I want him to succeed and I want to do what is best for him. He really trusts me. I am likely an enabler but have tried/trying to be sure I am not doing that by allowing him pick up this mess. I finally just put my foot down. I don't have the answers to any of these questions. Do I visit him in detox or not, call or no call, card or no card? The center told me it was perfectly fine because he is doing well in there. It is my understanding he will move to a 30 day treatment center after this detox period....Any advice is welcome at this point. What happens there? He has a long road ahead of him, he is not in trouble w/the law but has no money, no job. I am not looking to help in those areas. I have made it clear that if things do not change, he does not do the full package deal then that is his choice he is making as the ones he has made. For me, I too will make a choice to not relive the last few months. I just don't want him to feel that I no longer care when I have asked over and over for him to get help. I do want what is best for his recovery process and do want him to stand on his own 2 feet. I know he hates this life and wants to clean up. I don't know that he will; he probable doesn't know at this point from day to day. I think he is serious but time will tell. So, My real question from here is how do I show support w/o getting more involved or taking ownership of the problem? What is heathier for him to recover. I dont' care what it takes. with or without me. It is such a sad thing; I get mad at the burden and sad because I know he is hurting.
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Old 09-19-2009, 09:23 AM
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Originally Posted by 987Seek View Post
...So, My real question from here is how do I show support w/o getting more involved or taking ownership of the problem? ....
Hello there 987Seek, and welcome to SoberRecovery

There are many different ways you can be supportive. All of them start with becoming more knowledgable about the disease of alcoholism. There is a great deal of information in the "sticky posts" at the top of this forum. Take a little time to browse thru that. Also check out a few meetings of al-anon, you can find them in your phone book. They have a large amount of wonderful books and pamphlets full of specific suggestions. I found al-anon to be invaluable to me.

What I had to learn is to _not_ do for my "qualifier" what she was perfectly able to do for herself. Sometimes it's not so easy to tell the difference, but as I spend more time learning about this disease it becomes clearer.

Welcome again.

Mike
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Old 09-19-2009, 11:27 AM
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Welcom 987Seek!!! Glad to have your here!

So glad you have reached out and are trying to keep yourself healthy while being supportive to your friend.

You asked...

how do I show support w/o getting more involved or taking ownership of the problem?

I think you answered them in your post...

I am likely an enabler but have tried/trying to be sure I am not doing that by allowing him pick up this mess. I finally just put my foot down.

I have made it clear that if things do not change, he does not do the full package deal then that is his choice he is making as the ones he has made.

You are setting healthy boundaries with him and making it known is an caring a way possible that his decisions and consequences of those decision are his own and that you will now allow unhealthy behavior to affect your life.

You can show support to him by educating yourself on his addiction so you can have some understanding of what he is going through. I agree with attending Al-Anon and do some reading as this will help a lot. Attending open sessions for family and friends where he receives treatment if you are comfortable with it, might also help. Beyond those, my best advice is to keep yourself healthy and let him manage his own recovery and return to life with the tools he learns.

Best to you,

Alice
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Old 09-19-2009, 12:26 PM
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Agree with what has been said so far...you've done a very good job of trying to extricate yourself from what really seems to be a tangled mess.

Only other advice I can give is to just wait. Give it time and see how things go. You don't have to decide what your role in this situation is going to be just yet...there may not even be a role for you to play. Continue reflecting on the situation, as you have been, and the right answers will come.

Be well!
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