Kassie2

I came back to work through my thoughts and feelings about my M to a newly RAH. Reading about someone else here brought out my own feelings of frustration about RAH getting sober and then not wanting the M.

Marriage counselor suggested keeping a journal and talking to others. I was doing that early in the year before RAH had stopped drinking. We were separated at the time but after a few months of sobriety our relationship was incredibly better. I even posted here about how wonderful things were but posted anyway b/c I was warned that things might go "south" as change is not a straight line.

Well things did go "south" and a few weeks before our planned move back in together he bales. When all is said and done - weeks later - he says that he didn't mean to break up - he just didn't feel ready to live together. I have to admit that as good as things were going - the more my focus was on things going on in my life (my children leaving home) the more irritated I was with him. So, I did get to a point where I wondered if I was ready.

Like others here, I have been through a lot of disruptive living, but I hung in there. I feel hurt that he doesn't see it that way nor appreciate it. I want some quiet in my life and I would think that he does too - so why can't we do it together now that he isn't drinking?

In reading other posts, and listening to alanon and our MC, that the first year is difficult and I understand that - but why is it that "they" think everyone has to accommodate them b/c they are just learning recovery? Don't they understand that real life is not about accommodating anyone but happens... and spouses are also in recovery so why don't I get a break too? I think we have to work to support each other through it all and that includes giving each other a break now and then.

What I am saying is that I understand he may need time for himself to sort out his life and learn how to live a sober life - but why does it have to be apart or worse yet - he is considering making it permanent.

I am having a hard time both staying and parting. On the one hand I resent what I went through to get to this part and would like to be able to enjoy our M. On the other hand, maybe I should be glad to let him and all the bad stuff go away and hope that I can find someone who will be a better companion.

I am trying to accept my choices and life and it isn't as easy as I would like.

Learn2Live

Hi Kassie.

You do get a break, you're just afraid to take it. If it were me, I'd say "Thank you very much!" and get on with my peaceful, tranquil, serene life. I can't tell you how nice it is to live alone, without all that chaos and disagreement and negativity. You should take a bubble bath and eat chocolate ice cream for dinner. Then, take up the entire bed and all the pillows and read a nice book and drift off into La-La-Land.

It doesn't have to be apart; apart is just the way he wants it right now. Let him worry about whether or not it is permanent. Your job right now is to try accepting that NOTHING is permanent. Thinking about permanency and "forever" is unhealthy. Think about the ice cream!

Take care. You deserve this!

ItsmeAlice

It does seem to me that you do need a break...a break from the belief that this marriage is all that will make your future what you want it to be. Try taking a few moments and imagining your life a different way. Go back in your mind to before you met. Where were you headed? What were you looking for? Imagine where you might have lived, what job you might have had or not had, what your daily routine might have been? Try to focus on the positive things for the moment. You are not trying to convince yourself that life would have been hell if it had not been for him because you don't truly know what might have been, right?
Try on a few different scenarios for size and see if any of them please you or elicit warm feelings.

To help me when I can't imagine life moving forward and ever being happy again, I like to look at homes for sale in other states (urban and country) and see pictures of the way other towns or neighborhoods look. I imagine what my life would be like in Colorado, or Arizona, Oregon, or downtown Louisiana. Could I be happy there? Can I picture myself sitting on that porch swing or strolling down that busy street outside my flat? What if I gave up farm living and went back to city living?

I have started to see more of what I would like my life to look like and in turn what I would like it to feel like. I have realized that my life really doesn't revolve around whether XABF gets clean or every thinks of me again. I also realize that I have no interest in replacing him with someone new. I want someone who compliments the picture of the life that is developing for me, not someone who crowds everything else out that's in it.

I hope you take his wanting to be away from you as a good thing. A chance for you to decide if you really trully want this marriage or if you are just stuck in the rut that's been created and can't envision your life any other way.

Best to you,

Alice

Learn2Live

I like to imagine myself living in a small beach community and riding to the General Store on my old-timey bicycle ringing the thumb-bell on the handlebars and putting apples and bananas in the basket on the front. Or just watching "On Golden Pond."

Startingover2

Hey Kass...

I agree with those above...this is all HIM making the choices and you are along for the ride. is this how you want your life? With him jumping back and forth on both sides of the fence?

Agreed....tell him "Thank you very much" and move on with your life. I don't see him making a concrete decision anytime soon.

You have been so great to me and keeping my thoughts from being too fantasy when in reality its a nightmare! Help yourself. You deserve it.

wanting

My story is a lot like yours, except add an affair and a couple of relapses. After H's recent flip-flop on whether to go to marriage counseling and work things out, I really realized that everything has been about him, and that I needed time to think about me. I wrote him a letter requesting no contact, other than trading off the kids. It has been hard, but really good. Maybe your H is like mine - his energy takes up a huge presence in my home and life. Just having him here for 5 minutes takes so much energy out of me. I'm breathing again. Still sad that it's come to this, but it's the only thing I could do to do something for myself.

(Please excuse if I'm rambly - I'm on Coffee #1.)

Zak68

I am also struggling with the life apart from my AW. She went back and forth over that fence so many times in her healing. She tried to tell me over and over I can't understand what the addiction does to her. To be honest I don't. I can't understand why she can't cling to the happiness and not dwell on the pain.

I am at the point we are through. I want to move on but after 16 years of marriage I see my life as defined by her precense. I know in my heart I can and will be happier without her drama in my life. The pain will be there for a while but in the end I hope she and I will both find the peace we need. Together I don't see it happening. Apart we have a chance.

LaTeeDa

As long as you are under the assumption that he "owes you something" for "all you've done" you will be in pain. I know the feeling well. My codependent mother taught me all my life how sacrificing myself for others (especially husband) would earn me some kind of reward. I spent my life "doing" and "sacrificing" so that others would love me. And then feeling profound resentment when they didn't really feel obligated to me and didn't really appreciate "all I had gone through" for them.

So accept that it was your choice to "hang in there" and go through all you've gone through. He doesn't owe you anything for that. It was your choice. Not only that, but it seems you had an ulterior motive in doing it (just like I did). You expected something in return. Now you're resentful because you didn't get what you expected. Is he really the problem here, or is it your expectations?

And until you can get past the expectation that sacrificing yourself earns you love, you will only replace him with someone just like him.

L

Mitsy

I was never married to my alcoholic boyfriend but I have dated other men who have let me down in many ways. None prior to my last guy had any kind of substance addiction. However, I too, often felt like you got what you put into some relationships. When I could see things sort of fizzling out with a relationship, I would work that much harder to try to keep it. I did the same sort of thing with my ex-guy's alcohol problem (for a while anyway). The more messed up he seemed, the more I wanted to fix him. It really took Al-Anon for me to truly see that it wasn't my job to try to fix him and that only he could do that and no one else. AA usually tells people to not get involved in a relationship for at least a year into their sobriety. If someone is married, I don't think they suggest divorce, but if there have been separations due to the boozing, then it might be wise to continue to live apart while the husband gets his act together. There also are huge trust issues to work through at that point. While I miss some of the good times my ex-boyfriend and I used to have, I do not miss the drinking, the drama and the self-absorbed ways that he had. It was all about HIM. Now, I'm living for myself and although I'm not always happy, at least I'm not dealing with his issues. Time will heal a lot of the wounds though.

Kassie2

Thanks L2L for your reply. What a reality check! Love your attitude! That is why I came back here. I don't want to:1) blame RAH for the way things are, 2) blame RAH for my unhappiness, 3) think I don't have a say in what happens.

I will admit that I do NOT miss the drama! the negativity! and disagreements!

I do like do things my own way.

Agree that it doesn't have to end one way or the other, I am using the time to heal myself in preparation for a reunion or complete separation.

The confusion part I am facing is that for the three months prior the recent breakdown of our relationship - we were together and all of the above was true. No drama, no negativity, no disagreements that turned into anything else and being able to do things individually when needed without conflict.

Kassie2

Thanks for your response ItsmeAlice,

Your post made me reflect more about the relationship. It seems that I have put a lot of weight on this M and the future. Prior to meeting my RAH, I pretty much had everything that most people want or need - I have a job I like and its secure, I have my own home, my kids were almost grown and doing well, I had secured my future financially. All that was missing was a partner or companion. I was content with the idea of 2nd M or just sharing life with a best friend. But my close friends all wanted different lives from me and I knew I had to look elsewhere. I am not much of a dating type - so when my RAH showed up and we both fell in love - it was a miracle to me.

Since our separation last year, I have tried to do different things to spur my creative side to dream again - I have done the things you mentioned. There isn't much that I want or need other than what I said.

I do not mean to say that my life is better with him or that he made it everything I wanted it to be. He brought me something I didn't have - his drinking took a lot away - the worst part is how I feel about myself. I want to feel better again - with or without him. Part of me is using this time for me and see it as a good thing - but hoping for better times ahead.

Do want to think more privately and out loud about what else I can do for me.

Kassie2

Hey girl -SO2,

You must have been reading my mind today. All week I was focused on me and soothing me, being quiet about my life, and trying to figure out what I need to learn from this and stop looking at him to fix me.

But today I fell back into wondering how did he get to call the shots? Why do I think that all the choices are his to make? How did I let these old feelings of being controlled by his behavior and waiting on him to make choices?

So I caught myself... and reminded me that I still have choices - and I agree with you that RAH may or may not be able to make any decisions he can stick to, but I can. I remembered that I was using the break to heal myself and find my future beginning right here with me. I know what I want but don't know if he can participate in that life with me or not.

Will get back to you on how I am doing.

Kassie2

Thanks Wanting,

Thanks for the reminder that it isn't just about them, M is about an "US".

(and I don't think you were rambling... you made a great point)

Kassie2

Thanks Zak68,

I cannot begin to tell you what the pain is like... but that is not all there is either.... the pain subsides like any loss does with time and friendly support of others. I find it harder b/c I don't have any family alive except my kids who I just launched into the big world and I don't want them to get stuck taking care of me emotionally. What helped me early in the year was talking to others on forums/boards like this.

There is also the upside as you noted in your post. No one misses the drama etc. Doing things alone is not always great but it does allow you to talk to strangers when you feel like it. This past year, some co workers gathered around me and greeted me with hugs everyday, and checked in on me when possible - played loud music during breaks and had mini partiies spontaneously that lasted a few minutes. They helped me laugh when I hadn't laughed in months. But as always, these things don't last, but they do happen in the world from time to time.

Keep me posted with your situation.

Kassie2

Hello LaTeeDa,

(I love KH) Again, what a reality check which is why I am here. I have spent this week working to accept my choices as they have been as mine alone. I am not dealing with him or focusing on his- just taking responsibility for me. Tough job... does anyone else want to do it? I find it very hard to accept my life as a result of the choices I have made.

Anymore thoughts from anyone on this one? I am struggling and can't find relief.

Kassie2

Dear Mitsy,

And another reality check response. AA doesn't support a M if the couple is separated at the time the A gets sober... I don't quite understand. RAH was counseled not to work on the M and consider a D b/c a separation says that things weren't good in the first place. I think there's faulty thinking in there somewhere.

It was even suggested that returning to me would send him back to drinking again without ever meeting me. RAH swears he didn't say anything about me either and they pretty much told him this from prior people's exp.

MC disagrees with AA on this one. But he has reminded me that RAH is dealing with a lot of new information and needs time. I do agree that we both need time. Trust issues are huge with us - not just b/c of the booze, but b/c he kept walking out on us, and I did ask him to leave when he couldn't stop the drinking.

We actually had a good discussion on how one heals from these issues - first time in awhile that H listened.

Keep following me.

Mitsy

I wasn't sure what AA's stand was when a couple was separated due to addiction. I just knew that they didn't encourage people to date or get back into a previous relationship until they had been sober a year. I can see why they would encourage that in a situation like I've dealt with. My guy claimed to want to get sober several times. His behavior would be OK "for a while" only to spiral out of control with the drinking when he was stressed or upset about something else (usually it was not related to anything I had done or said). In his sober moments, he would often talk about how none of this was my fault but then he'd try to rely on his own resources to change his behavior only to fall again & again when it didn't work. Why he would not go to AA is anyone's guess. He complained about how much it cost to go to the detox place (even with insurance) but AA is FREE and he still refused to go.

Denial is an interesting thing. Even though he could admit that he was an alcoholic, he still didn't think he was so bad that he needed AA. He commented many times about how I didn't need to go to Al-Anon. That really threatened him and probably still does. When he came to me in May & said he was done with the booze, he told me he realized I needed those meetings for me. Then when he started drinking again, he was down on the fact that I went. So he changed his tune each time he fell off the wagon. He was hateful, resentful and blamed a lot of other people for his own problems. Al-Anon taught me that that is what a typical alcoholic will do. Many of things he did and said that were hurtful and hateful are the "norm" for a drunk. I actually found solace in knowing he was not special, did not have any special circumstances in his life that made his situation different; that he was a TYPICAL DRUNK. I still believe he is likely an undiagnosed Bi-Polar sufferer but that's speculation on my part (and his step-mom & ex-wife). I think that he very likely has mental issues going on aside from the alcoholism but it's all too much drama and strain on me if I continued to have dealings w/him.

I sometimes find myself resentful that he hasn't had MORE consequences to his drinking. I get irritated that the ex-wife doesn't keep the daughter away from him permanently or arrange supervised visitations because she has enough on him to do this and with many people who would vouch for his drunken behavior (myself included). I find myself irritated that his employer has enabled him to continue working a job where he drives a company van daily and they know he is an alcoholic. I find a lot of things upsetting about this situation because MANY have enabled him to continue to coast along. At some point, his luck will run out though and sadly (for him), I won't be there to help pick up any of the pieces.

Learn2Live

Isn't it wonderful when you have a man who is clean and sober? The problem with this guy is he can't MAINTAIN it. Most addix and alcoholix can't be consistent in anything. Because the way he lives his life is inconsistent. And that inability to be consistent only appears that he can't make up his mind.

But he HAS made up his mind. He has made up his mind that he either does not want to quit, or that he is not able to quit. And that puts you on an evil roller coaster ride that never stops.

Mitsy

That is sooo totally true! This same quote fit my situation & still fits it. My guy made up his mind that drinking was more important than anything else in his life and that included the people he claimed to love and care about. I also believe, very strongly, that he is not able to quit without a treatment center. Problem with that is that they must WANT to get the help & until they do, nothing is going to change. That really puts it into the proper perspective when you finally realize that the roller coaster ride will continue until they reach the bottom and want to get sober. The sad reality is that many alcoholics will NEVER get sober. That is why it's important to not kid yourself that they will get sober or stay sober if you stick things out with a relationship like that.

On the other hand, while Al-Anon tells people that the meetings are for THEM, they do not tell anyone to simply give up hope that their alcoholic will never get help. They believe that anything is possible & I have also heard some amazing stories of people who drank for years and finally got sober & stayed that way. After 2 years of dealing with an alcoholic, I knew I didn't have the stamina to continue the battle and I finally decided that having no one was better than putting up w/that roller coaster ride from hell. I also knew that I deserved someone who respected me enough to make sure his behavior did not continue like it did. He needed to respect himself to want to get sober. Sadly, some never see the light though.

Learn2Live

You are RIGHT ON girl! It sounds like you are young, maybe in your 20s and I am so glad that you are so smart about these things already! You know what you want and you don't want and you are willing to take the risks necessary to "get" those things for yourself.