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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: The Bayou City
Posts: 44
New to this board
Hi all,
I'm the adult daughter of a severe alcoholic and have finally decided to break free of what I've gone through over my dad's drinking all these years.
My dad is a Vietnam vet who has other emotional issues that his drinking certainly doesn't help. He and my mother divorced 10 years ago, and he's currently involved with a woman who drinks as much as he does.
My hope is to still have some type of relationship with him, but he makes it difficult. His way of "dealing" with things is to fault the relationship problems on the fact that I'm in TX and he's in New England.
I know I can't change him, but hopefully I can work through my issues that have arisen due to the drinking. (Guilt, feelings of condemnation, trouble telling people no, being gun-shy about relationships).
I'm the adult daughter of a severe alcoholic and have finally decided to break free of what I've gone through over my dad's drinking all these years.
My dad is a Vietnam vet who has other emotional issues that his drinking certainly doesn't help. He and my mother divorced 10 years ago, and he's currently involved with a woman who drinks as much as he does.
My hope is to still have some type of relationship with him, but he makes it difficult. His way of "dealing" with things is to fault the relationship problems on the fact that I'm in TX and he's in New England.
I know I can't change him, but hopefully I can work through my issues that have arisen due to the drinking. (Guilt, feelings of condemnation, trouble telling people no, being gun-shy about relationships).
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I think that is wonderful that you still want to continue having a relationship with your father, long distance.
Have you ever practiced "detaching" from your father when he complains about your relationship (distance)? When he gripes and complains, picture the big Aflac duck quacking. The gripes and complaints are a common "ism" of alcoholism. We refer to them as quacking. Quacking is just another reason for the alcoholic to drink. ( you never do this, you should have done that, the sky is blue, etc)
In reality, you could be living next door and bringing over gourmet cooking every day and he would find a reason to blame you and need another drink to drown his misery.
If you can detach from those comments, you will be able to speak with him and not take the comments personally. You won't feel a need to explain or defend yourself when he makes comments that are negative and hurtful.
You can say things like "Huh" or "wow" or "really" or "I'll think about that" and then change the subject.
Keep posting and reading, we're glad you're here.
I think that is wonderful that you still want to continue having a relationship with your father, long distance.
Have you ever practiced "detaching" from your father when he complains about your relationship (distance)? When he gripes and complains, picture the big Aflac duck quacking. The gripes and complaints are a common "ism" of alcoholism. We refer to them as quacking. Quacking is just another reason for the alcoholic to drink. ( you never do this, you should have done that, the sky is blue, etc)
In reality, you could be living next door and bringing over gourmet cooking every day and he would find a reason to blame you and need another drink to drown his misery.
If you can detach from those comments, you will be able to speak with him and not take the comments personally. You won't feel a need to explain or defend yourself when he makes comments that are negative and hurtful.
You can say things like "Huh" or "wow" or "really" or "I'll think about that" and then change the subject.
Keep posting and reading, we're glad you're here.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Welcome!
Have you read through the sticky posts at the top of the forum? There is a lot of wisdom and experience there that I found really useful (and made me cry on more than one occasion!).
There are a number of people here who are also children of alcoholics. Are you read through the posts you will discover that you're not alone!
Have you also had a look at the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...new-board.html ?
And finally, I'd recommend reading a copy of Melody Beattie's Codependent No More - an amazing book that (along with this forum and a counsellor) has helped me totally change my life.
I'm looking forward to getting to know you a little better - stick around and post some more!
Have you read through the sticky posts at the top of the forum? There is a lot of wisdom and experience there that I found really useful (and made me cry on more than one occasion!).
There are a number of people here who are also children of alcoholics. Are you read through the posts you will discover that you're not alone!
Have you also had a look at the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...new-board.html ?
And finally, I'd recommend reading a copy of Melody Beattie's Codependent No More - an amazing book that (along with this forum and a counsellor) has helped me totally change my life.
I'm looking forward to getting to know you a little better - stick around and post some more!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi Puzzled!
Welcome.
My Dad was an alcoholic when I was growing up and although he found serenity and really changed his life through AA and sobriety I have been up and down the roller coaster with my 3 alcoholic brothers.
I didn't find peace of mind until I was in my twenties and started going to AlAnon meetings and some one-on-one therapy for myself. In AlAnon I learned ways to separate my problems from my brothers' problems and let them live their lives.
In therapy I learned how to really face myself and how hard I would have to work to change the things I wanted to be different in my life!
It's not easy but it is worth it - and many of my first books and interest at AlAnon meetings was about being the Adult Child of an Alcoholic and how much that warped my childhood and affected my behavior as an adult. There are many good books out there for ACOAs and I was always shocked at how many similarities there are in alcoholic families, even if the nitty gritty details are differernt...
It really may be a blessing that you are in TX and he is in N.E. I have one brother on the West Coast (I am in N.E.) and sometimes I feel really guilty that I do not have a close relationship with him- but then I usually remember that the "relationship" I am missing is a fantasy because - well - he smokes pot 24/7/365 and he is emotionally unavailable...and my relationship with my brothers wholive closer to me arevery healthy for me- I can show them love and compassion but I am not very active in their lives and I don't do much with them because if they are drinking I simply cannot be around it - it is too depressing and destructive. But they know I love them!
Glad you're here and keep posting!
peace,
b
Welcome.
My Dad was an alcoholic when I was growing up and although he found serenity and really changed his life through AA and sobriety I have been up and down the roller coaster with my 3 alcoholic brothers.
I didn't find peace of mind until I was in my twenties and started going to AlAnon meetings and some one-on-one therapy for myself. In AlAnon I learned ways to separate my problems from my brothers' problems and let them live their lives.
In therapy I learned how to really face myself and how hard I would have to work to change the things I wanted to be different in my life!
It's not easy but it is worth it - and many of my first books and interest at AlAnon meetings was about being the Adult Child of an Alcoholic and how much that warped my childhood and affected my behavior as an adult. There are many good books out there for ACOAs and I was always shocked at how many similarities there are in alcoholic families, even if the nitty gritty details are differernt...
It really may be a blessing that you are in TX and he is in N.E. I have one brother on the West Coast (I am in N.E.) and sometimes I feel really guilty that I do not have a close relationship with him- but then I usually remember that the "relationship" I am missing is a fantasy because - well - he smokes pot 24/7/365 and he is emotionally unavailable...and my relationship with my brothers wholive closer to me arevery healthy for me- I can show them love and compassion but I am not very active in their lives and I don't do much with them because if they are drinking I simply cannot be around it - it is too depressing and destructive. But they know I love them!
Glad you're here and keep posting!
peace,
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: The Bayou City
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by Pelican 
Welcome to the SR family!
I think that is wonderful that you still want to continue having a relationship with your father, long distance.
Have you ever practiced "detaching" from your father when he complains about your relationship (distance)? When he gripes and complains, picture the big Aflac duck quacking. The gripes and complaints are a common "ism" of alcoholism. We refer to them as quacking. Quacking is just another reason for the alcoholic to drink. ( you never do this, you should have done that, the sky is blue, etc)
In reality, you could be living next door and bringing over gourmet cooking every day and he would find a reason to blame you and need another drink to drown his misery.
If you can detach from those comments, you will be able to speak with him and not take the comments personally. You won't feel a need to explain or defend yourself when he makes comments that are negative and hurtful.
You can say things like "Huh" or "wow" or "really" or "I'll think about that" and then change the subject.
Keep posting and reading, we're glad you're here.
I think that is wonderful that you still want to continue having a relationship with your father, long distance.
Have you ever practiced "detaching" from your father when he complains about your relationship (distance)? When he gripes and complains, picture the big Aflac duck quacking. The gripes and complaints are a common "ism" of alcoholism. We refer to them as quacking. Quacking is just another reason for the alcoholic to drink. ( you never do this, you should have done that, the sky is blue, etc)
In reality, you could be living next door and bringing over gourmet cooking every day and he would find a reason to blame you and need another drink to drown his misery.
If you can detach from those comments, you will be able to speak with him and not take the comments personally. You won't feel a need to explain or defend yourself when he makes comments that are negative and hurtful.
You can say things like "Huh" or "wow" or "really" or "I'll think about that" and then change the subject.
Keep posting and reading, we're glad you're here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: The Bayou City
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by bookwyrm
Welcome!
Have you read through the sticky posts at the top of the forum? There is a lot of wisdom and experience there that I found really useful (and made me cry on more than one occasion!).
There are a number of people here who are also children of alcoholics. Are you read through the posts you will discover that you're not alone!
Have you also had a look at the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum here: ?
And finally, I'd recommend reading a copy of Melody Beattie's Codependent No More - an amazing book that (along with this forum and a counsellor) has helped me totally change my life.
I'm looking forward to getting to know you a little better - stick around and post some more!
Have you read through the sticky posts at the top of the forum? There is a lot of wisdom and experience there that I found really useful (and made me cry on more than one occasion!).
There are a number of people here who are also children of alcoholics. Are you read through the posts you will discover that you're not alone!
Have you also had a look at the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum here: ?
And finally, I'd recommend reading a copy of Melody Beattie's Codependent No More - an amazing book that (along with this forum and a counsellor) has helped me totally change my life.
I'm looking forward to getting to know you a little better - stick around and post some more!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: The Bayou City
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by Bernadette
Hi Puzzled!
Welcome.
My Dad was an alcoholic when I was growing up and although he found serenity and really changed his life through AA and sobriety I have been up and down the roller coaster with my 3 alcoholic brothers.
I didn't find peace of mind until I was in my twenties and started going to AlAnon meetings and some one-on-one therapy for myself. In AlAnon I learned ways to separate my problems from my brothers' problems and let them live their lives.
In therapy I learned how to really face myself and how hard I would have to work to change the things I wanted to be different in my life!
It's not easy but it is worth it - and many of my first books and interest at AlAnon meetings was about being the Adult Child of an Alcoholic and how much that warped my childhood and affected my behavior as an adult. There are many good books out there for ACOAs and I was always shocked at how many similarities there are in alcoholic families, even if the nitty gritty details are differernt...
It really may be a blessing that you are in TX and he is in N.E. I have one brother on the West Coast (I am in N.E.) and sometimes I feel really guilty that I do not have a close relationship with him- but then I usually remember that the "relationship" I am missing is a fantasy because - well - he smokes pot 24/7/365 and he is emotionally unavailable...and my relationship with my brothers wholive closer to me arevery healthy for me- I can show them love and compassion but I am not very active in their lives and I don't do much with them because if they are drinking I simply cannot be around it - it is too depressing and destructive. But they know I love them!
Glad you're here and keep posting!
peace,
b
Welcome.
My Dad was an alcoholic when I was growing up and although he found serenity and really changed his life through AA and sobriety I have been up and down the roller coaster with my 3 alcoholic brothers.
I didn't find peace of mind until I was in my twenties and started going to AlAnon meetings and some one-on-one therapy for myself. In AlAnon I learned ways to separate my problems from my brothers' problems and let them live their lives.
In therapy I learned how to really face myself and how hard I would have to work to change the things I wanted to be different in my life!
It's not easy but it is worth it - and many of my first books and interest at AlAnon meetings was about being the Adult Child of an Alcoholic and how much that warped my childhood and affected my behavior as an adult. There are many good books out there for ACOAs and I was always shocked at how many similarities there are in alcoholic families, even if the nitty gritty details are differernt...
It really may be a blessing that you are in TX and he is in N.E. I have one brother on the West Coast (I am in N.E.) and sometimes I feel really guilty that I do not have a close relationship with him- but then I usually remember that the "relationship" I am missing is a fantasy because - well - he smokes pot 24/7/365 and he is emotionally unavailable...and my relationship with my brothers wholive closer to me arevery healthy for me- I can show them love and compassion but I am not very active in their lives and I don't do much with them because if they are drinking I simply cannot be around it - it is too depressing and destructive. But they know I love them!
Glad you're here and keep posting!
peace,
b
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