What have I Done????
innerpeace~where did you go?
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 25
What have I Done????
Although I have been reading these threads for the last few weeks, this is my first attempt to post. It is very intimidating and highly embarrassing to try to express my feelings in words. They are expressed so eloquently by those on these threads that I feel inadaquet to write one of my own. So please bare with the grammar and spelling mistakes...
Ok...I have been married for TWO MONTHS. My husband has been in jail for the last two weeks. Apparently he is an alocholic. I have never been arround people who drink and most of the time I didn't even realize he was drunk. I saw him drink, but he was never sloppy drunk, never slurred his words, or gave me any signs to know he couldn't handle his drinking. I don't drink and it just never occurred to me that someone I was seeing could have a problem with it. On our honeymoon I was SHOCKED to discover he was not only a drunk, but smoked pot too! We spent 4 days in Panama City with him degrading me, yelling at me, telling me he was going to go out to the beach and get someone that wouldn't ruin HIS honeymoon. He actually told me to watch how fast he could make me single. On the way home he almost killed us driving. I actually taped his yelling at me so my kids would know that HE killed me if I didnt make it home alive. I was SO scared. There is ALOT more to all of this, but basically every two weeks he "falls off the wagon" as he puts it. There are always major consequences to his actions, but he tells me he is sooo sorry, he loves me, and he will prove to me that it will never happen again. But two weeks later it does. This time (two weeks ago) he was arrested at a crack house (?) smoking heroine (?). He had drank two bottles of vodka, driven to his sisters house (to get pills) with his son in the car, joked and swerved at a lady on the sidewalk saying 1000 points, and then wound up back at his sisters. He has been charged with MULTIPLE charges including two felonies. I received a call from his sister saying that he was in jail. He also was on probation for DUI habitual violator. I never knew to ask if he had been in trouble with the law. Bottom line...my family is really pressuring me to divorce him. I started the process, but stopped it because he begged me to. This is the first time he has been married and he doesnt want to be responsible for the marriage failing. He has promised me that when he gets out he will do whatever he needs to get straight. He has gone thru the withdrawls of alcohol, cigarettes, and meds hes on to help withdraws from painkillers since he has been in jail. I believe in forgiveness and second chances, but my family is VERY upset that I am committed to my marriage vows. I have been reading the threads on here since my honeymoon and I am really confused! I bought a few books that were mentioned on here and have signed on to an online Alanon group, but my internet was cut off and I really cant type much here at work. I am really desperate!
Ok...I have been married for TWO MONTHS. My husband has been in jail for the last two weeks. Apparently he is an alocholic. I have never been arround people who drink and most of the time I didn't even realize he was drunk. I saw him drink, but he was never sloppy drunk, never slurred his words, or gave me any signs to know he couldn't handle his drinking. I don't drink and it just never occurred to me that someone I was seeing could have a problem with it. On our honeymoon I was SHOCKED to discover he was not only a drunk, but smoked pot too! We spent 4 days in Panama City with him degrading me, yelling at me, telling me he was going to go out to the beach and get someone that wouldn't ruin HIS honeymoon. He actually told me to watch how fast he could make me single. On the way home he almost killed us driving. I actually taped his yelling at me so my kids would know that HE killed me if I didnt make it home alive. I was SO scared. There is ALOT more to all of this, but basically every two weeks he "falls off the wagon" as he puts it. There are always major consequences to his actions, but he tells me he is sooo sorry, he loves me, and he will prove to me that it will never happen again. But two weeks later it does. This time (two weeks ago) he was arrested at a crack house (?) smoking heroine (?). He had drank two bottles of vodka, driven to his sisters house (to get pills) with his son in the car, joked and swerved at a lady on the sidewalk saying 1000 points, and then wound up back at his sisters. He has been charged with MULTIPLE charges including two felonies. I received a call from his sister saying that he was in jail. He also was on probation for DUI habitual violator. I never knew to ask if he had been in trouble with the law. Bottom line...my family is really pressuring me to divorce him. I started the process, but stopped it because he begged me to. This is the first time he has been married and he doesnt want to be responsible for the marriage failing. He has promised me that when he gets out he will do whatever he needs to get straight. He has gone thru the withdrawls of alcohol, cigarettes, and meds hes on to help withdraws from painkillers since he has been in jail. I believe in forgiveness and second chances, but my family is VERY upset that I am committed to my marriage vows. I have been reading the threads on here since my honeymoon and I am really confused! I bought a few books that were mentioned on here and have signed on to an online Alanon group, but my internet was cut off and I really cant type much here at work. I am really desperate!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
innerpeace -- hi and welcome to SR! And, Easy Does It!
What have you done? Well it seems that you have woken up to reality and done a very good thing by searching online for help!
I can only ask you, why would you even consider taking back a man who treated you in these abusive, disrespectful, dangerous ways?
There is no love that tolerates abuse. There is no wedding vow that implies a person can behave abusively towards their partner. And there are very very few addicts who do not constantly promise they will do better "this time" only to turn and behave in the most appalling, horrible, and yet consistent, ways!
Can you get to some face to face AlAnon meetings? Or some one-on-one counseling?
Also - since his behavior was hidden from you until now - check out the "stickies" (at the top section of the front page of this forum) especially the ones in the - Classic Reading - section. You can gather a lot of info there about what you are really dealing with.
glad you're here!
peace-
b
What have you done? Well it seems that you have woken up to reality and done a very good thing by searching online for help!
I can only ask you, why would you even consider taking back a man who treated you in these abusive, disrespectful, dangerous ways?
There is no love that tolerates abuse. There is no wedding vow that implies a person can behave abusively towards their partner. And there are very very few addicts who do not constantly promise they will do better "this time" only to turn and behave in the most appalling, horrible, and yet consistent, ways!
Can you get to some face to face AlAnon meetings? Or some one-on-one counseling?
Also - since his behavior was hidden from you until now - check out the "stickies" (at the top section of the front page of this forum) especially the ones in the - Classic Reading - section. You can gather a lot of info there about what you are really dealing with.
glad you're here!
peace-
b
innerpeace~where did you go?
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 25
I did make an appointment to see a counselor next Monday. I have a lot of issues myself, but not of an addictive kind. Well....actually, I maybe I do, I don't know. I do know that he is a good man and I DID marry him. I have been married before and I truely don't want another failed marriage! My children think I am having empty nest syndrome and need someone to take care of. I dont know. All I DO know is that he is sitting in that jail doing a lot of soul searching and asking me not to give up on him.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi innerpeace!
Ah don't worry, you can post anytime and any feeling.. today I posted a rambling thread... it is very useful to read oneself, brings perspective... at least better to keep it all inside! this forum is full of wise and caring people.
Innerpeace, everything you said seems abusive, and if you were my sister I would tell you RUN and don't look back. He risked your life and was very cruel. What he is doing is not "falling off the wagon" that is MINIMIZING his abuse and manipulation.
A leopard does not change its spots, or at least not in a matter of weeks or months... if he is serious about changing you can give him 1 or 2 years or more to demonstrate all he says WITH ACTIONS.
Before he probably said a lot of things, has he kept all of them? words are easy to say.
If you go back to him perhaps you won't come out alive -- PLEASE seek all the help and support you need NOW, as if your life depended on it - because its true - you COULD have died at his hands - that man is dangerous period.
He is in jail
Apparently he is an alcoholic
He smokes pot
He degrades you
He yells at you
He acts menacing and talks about "getting others"
He is cruel
He could have killed you on the roads
He smokes heroine
He could kill his son driving high in his car and he DOESN'T CARE
He does not respect pedestrians
Has been charged with two feloines
Yet you say he is a good man? A good man does NONE of the above things...
I am glad you are going to a counselor!!
This is the first time he has been married and he doesnt want to be responsible for the marriage failing.
He is also failing as a citizen putting 3rd parties in danger, as a father for putting his son at risk, and as a human for abusing another one (you!). He is NOT a victim... he CHOSE to do all the previous things.. AND HE WILL DO THEM AGAIN... the only thing that you can do is not be there when he abuses again or kills someone.
I say RUN and listen to your family, I would hate not to hear from you anymore and wonder
... I am glad you found SR... receive lots of hugs ((innerpeace))
Ah don't worry, you can post anytime and any feeling.. today I posted a rambling thread... it is very useful to read oneself, brings perspective... at least better to keep it all inside! this forum is full of wise and caring people.
Innerpeace, everything you said seems abusive, and if you were my sister I would tell you RUN and don't look back. He risked your life and was very cruel. What he is doing is not "falling off the wagon" that is MINIMIZING his abuse and manipulation.
A leopard does not change its spots, or at least not in a matter of weeks or months... if he is serious about changing you can give him 1 or 2 years or more to demonstrate all he says WITH ACTIONS.
Before he probably said a lot of things, has he kept all of them? words are easy to say.
If you go back to him perhaps you won't come out alive -- PLEASE seek all the help and support you need NOW, as if your life depended on it - because its true - you COULD have died at his hands - that man is dangerous period.
He is in jail
Apparently he is an alcoholic
He smokes pot
He degrades you
He yells at you
He acts menacing and talks about "getting others"
He is cruel
He could have killed you on the roads
He smokes heroine
He could kill his son driving high in his car and he DOESN'T CARE
He does not respect pedestrians
Has been charged with two feloines
Yet you say he is a good man? A good man does NONE of the above things...
I am glad you are going to a counselor!!
This is the first time he has been married and he doesnt want to be responsible for the marriage failing.
He is also failing as a citizen putting 3rd parties in danger, as a father for putting his son at risk, and as a human for abusing another one (you!). He is NOT a victim... he CHOSE to do all the previous things.. AND HE WILL DO THEM AGAIN... the only thing that you can do is not be there when he abuses again or kills someone.
I say RUN and listen to your family, I would hate not to hear from you anymore and wonder
... I am glad you found SR... receive lots of hugs ((innerpeace))
innerpeace~where did you go?
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 25
His mother told me to run too, but he said she was just jealous of my being in his life and not to listen to her. But now that you have said it to it sacares me that it may be true. I dont want another failed marriage!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
innerpeace,
Welcome to SR! Take a deep breath. This is a good place to begin your learning journey.
I'm sure there is much about this man that is good, because there is much about most people that is good.
But re-read your first post to us.
Pretend it was written by a woman whom you love dearly, more than life itself, like a daughter or a sister.
Would you hear that story and tell that person that, yes, she should accept that behavior and be in that kind of relationship?
Really think about it.
Counseling, Al-Anon, SR, and lots of reading helped me to get the COMPLETE picture of my life with an addict, and let me make the right decisions for ME, not for him. It let me step back and say, yes, I love him, but is he good for my life? Is this all I deserve...this abuse, lies, threats, dangerous behavior, and complete destruction of my peace of mind, and everything I've worked so hard for?
These are questions you will answer for yourself, in time. Your answers won't be like anyone else's...I only hope you will listen with an open mind to the help that is offered.
As for "not wanting another failed marriage"........I wish you would rethink that. You are talking about choosing between 1) saving your own life, and admitting that perhaps you made a mistake in marrying him (big deal!) and 2) being so stuck on this "failure" thing that you stay in a situation that could kill you, or at the very least give you many miserable years of being beaten down into the mud by this man and his addiction.
There is no shame in protecting yourself - based on new knowledge you didn't have when you decided to marry. NO SHAME AT ALL.
Glad you're here with us. As you've probably already noticed, there is a ton of experience, strength and hope here that you can draw on to make your own choices.
I can tell you this for sure: Life shouldn't be this hard
Welcome to SR! Take a deep breath. This is a good place to begin your learning journey.
I'm sure there is much about this man that is good, because there is much about most people that is good.
But re-read your first post to us.
Pretend it was written by a woman whom you love dearly, more than life itself, like a daughter or a sister.
Would you hear that story and tell that person that, yes, she should accept that behavior and be in that kind of relationship?
Really think about it.
Counseling, Al-Anon, SR, and lots of reading helped me to get the COMPLETE picture of my life with an addict, and let me make the right decisions for ME, not for him. It let me step back and say, yes, I love him, but is he good for my life? Is this all I deserve...this abuse, lies, threats, dangerous behavior, and complete destruction of my peace of mind, and everything I've worked so hard for?
These are questions you will answer for yourself, in time. Your answers won't be like anyone else's...I only hope you will listen with an open mind to the help that is offered.
As for "not wanting another failed marriage"........I wish you would rethink that. You are talking about choosing between 1) saving your own life, and admitting that perhaps you made a mistake in marrying him (big deal!) and 2) being so stuck on this "failure" thing that you stay in a situation that could kill you, or at the very least give you many miserable years of being beaten down into the mud by this man and his addiction.
There is no shame in protecting yourself - based on new knowledge you didn't have when you decided to marry. NO SHAME AT ALL.
Glad you're here with us. As you've probably already noticed, there is a ton of experience, strength and hope here that you can draw on to make your own choices.
I can tell you this for sure: Life shouldn't be this hard
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Whoa. What a way out of the starting gate. Addiction, jail, abuse.
I personally have come to believe that marriage vows apply when two honest, healthy, independently functional people mutually agree to share their lives together at the time of the vows.
I personally believe that vows are a statement that you take a relationship and commitment seriously, not frivolously. They are NOT, however, a binding chain to keep one in an unhealthy life.
It looks to me that your husband was neither honest, healthy, or independently functional at the time of your vows. Instead, he was deceitful, poly-substance addicted and in trouble with the law, and hoping for someone to lean on as he crashes down his path of life.
Being married to such a person is more than "love" and "vows." It's also your mental health, your financial future and credit rating, your legal rights to property ownership, your legal rights to custody sharing, your physical safety, etc. at stake.
Decisions you make now will profoundly affect your future. And particularly the future of any children you might have. Read around and learn as much as possible, then listen to your family and friends and gut.
Keep coming back!
CLMI
I personally have come to believe that marriage vows apply when two honest, healthy, independently functional people mutually agree to share their lives together at the time of the vows.
I personally believe that vows are a statement that you take a relationship and commitment seriously, not frivolously. They are NOT, however, a binding chain to keep one in an unhealthy life.
It looks to me that your husband was neither honest, healthy, or independently functional at the time of your vows. Instead, he was deceitful, poly-substance addicted and in trouble with the law, and hoping for someone to lean on as he crashes down his path of life.
Being married to such a person is more than "love" and "vows." It's also your mental health, your financial future and credit rating, your legal rights to property ownership, your legal rights to custody sharing, your physical safety, etc. at stake.
Decisions you make now will profoundly affect your future. And particularly the future of any children you might have. Read around and learn as much as possible, then listen to your family and friends and gut.
Keep coming back!
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
In my state you are financially tied to someone once married. His debts aquired after the marriage become yours as well as any financial gains made after the marriage are split..unless a prenup stipulates other things.
So......are you willing to place not only your psycological health, your physical health (the driving incident), and your fininacial well being on the line with an habitual drug/alcohol abuser?
If this guy sincerely seeks to rehabilitate himself it will not happen in a few weeks or months. It will take along time. People here suggest watching actions and not listening to words when dealing with an A. They also suggest giving the A some time to get healthy and prove through actions that they are serious...atleast a solid year of recovery.
You are wise to be seeking help. Please listen to the quiet voice inside of you...I know my gut seldom fails me.
PS...if he is smoking heroin, you may want to pop over to the Substance abuse section and read around to see what you are involved with.
So......are you willing to place not only your psycological health, your physical health (the driving incident), and your fininacial well being on the line with an habitual drug/alcohol abuser?
If this guy sincerely seeks to rehabilitate himself it will not happen in a few weeks or months. It will take along time. People here suggest watching actions and not listening to words when dealing with an A. They also suggest giving the A some time to get healthy and prove through actions that they are serious...atleast a solid year of recovery.
You are wise to be seeking help. Please listen to the quiet voice inside of you...I know my gut seldom fails me.
PS...if he is smoking heroin, you may want to pop over to the Substance abuse section and read around to see what you are involved with.
I grew my wings to fly...
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Innerpeace, there is so much to learn about this addiction, but more to learn about yourself through this. SR is the best place to be, and the people here turn into a great family. Stick around, and let us help each other. It is a long road, hard road, but one worth traveling on.
You said one thing that got me: >>>>I dont want another failed marriage! <<<< in the face of what is going on, having a failed marriage is not the worse possible thing that can happen. He nearly took your life, treated you like dirt, and.. this was all on your honeymoon!! Amazing. Can't imagine how he will treat you once he is comfortable in the marriage.
You said one thing that got me: >>>>I dont want another failed marriage! <<<< in the face of what is going on, having a failed marriage is not the worse possible thing that can happen. He nearly took your life, treated you like dirt, and.. this was all on your honeymoon!! Amazing. Can't imagine how he will treat you once he is comfortable in the marriage.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
It seems to me you already have a failed marriage. Question is do you want to continue living in a failed marriage, or move on from it? Staying married doesn't prevent failure of the marriage.
L
L
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Wow, it sounds as if you didn't know much about this man when you agreed to marry him. Was it a quick courtship?
I agree with the statements above... get out while the getting out is easy. Don't chain yourself to a miserable life with an addict - you've got your whole life ahead of you - make the best of it!
I agree with the statements above... get out while the getting out is easy. Don't chain yourself to a miserable life with an addict - you've got your whole life ahead of you - make the best of it!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
InnerPeace,
If this man DID tell you that he is a twice-convicted felon, a pillhead, a repeat DUI offender, smokes crack, shoot heroin, drinks bottles of vodka at a time, and anything else he LIED to you about, would you have married him anyway?
InnerPeace, NONE of this is about forgiveness and second chances. THAT is a fairytale. Open your eyes please. You can't fix this and neither can he. His are EMPTY promises.
If this man DID tell you that he is a twice-convicted felon, a pillhead, a repeat DUI offender, smokes crack, shoot heroin, drinks bottles of vodka at a time, and anything else he LIED to you about, would you have married him anyway?
He has promised me that when he gets out he will do whatever he needs to get straight. He has gone thru the withdrawls of alcohol, cigarettes, and meds hes on to help withdraws from painkillers since he has been in jail.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Wow is right!
I am a recovering alcoholic and I say RUN!!!!!
He did not give you the knowledge needed to make the decisiopn to spend the rest of your life with this person. For goodness sakes, the Catholic church would even give you an annulment for this circumstance. Nobody failed. He tricked you into marrying him, basically. Lies by omission. We alcoholics are great at that.
Please, please, please.
Listen to those that have nothing to gain from you not staying married. This sounds like it is gonna get even uglier, very quickly. The guy has a LONG road ahead of him even if he was ready to be done. He is a poly addict. He does pills, alcohol, pot and dope. Wow, wow, wow. Normally I am willing to say I might be wrong. Not here, not now. You have nothing but heartache to look forward to unless you cut it off now. I would suggest figuring it out before he gets home.
I wish you the very best. You will have nothing but support if you decide you are worth more than this. I guarantee it.
I am a recovering alcoholic and I say RUN!!!!!
He did not give you the knowledge needed to make the decisiopn to spend the rest of your life with this person. For goodness sakes, the Catholic church would even give you an annulment for this circumstance. Nobody failed. He tricked you into marrying him, basically. Lies by omission. We alcoholics are great at that.
Please, please, please.
Listen to those that have nothing to gain from you not staying married. This sounds like it is gonna get even uglier, very quickly. The guy has a LONG road ahead of him even if he was ready to be done. He is a poly addict. He does pills, alcohol, pot and dope. Wow, wow, wow. Normally I am willing to say I might be wrong. Not here, not now. You have nothing but heartache to look forward to unless you cut it off now. I would suggest figuring it out before he gets home.
I wish you the very best. You will have nothing but support if you decide you are worth more than this. I guarantee it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome innerpeace 67!!
I am so glad that you are here and are reaching out in other ways as well with counselling and meetings. You will receive a lot of advice, a lot of experience, and whole lot of hope and support here. All of these things can only go so far, unfortunately. It is you who has to walk this particular path though it may be frighteningly similar to those of others.
I agree with what's been said. You have been deceived by this man in more ways than one. His addictions, his abusive nature, and his disregard for the welfare of others certainly weren't aspects of this man's inner soul that drew you to him. I would be more apt to say that the good man you see in him was actually a facade he put up to gain your trust and ultimately your hand in marriage.
Remember that your safety and health surpass his needs or desires to make amends or to keep the marriage intact. Do only what is healthy and safe for yourself regardless of how it affects him or whether it's what your feelings tell you. Feelings are easily and often effortlessly manipulated by addicts and abusers. Sometimes, we have to detach from our addicted loved ones and check our emotions at the door as they can undue what positive progress we make.
You can climb out of this situation when you are ready whether he decides to get help for his many issues or not. We will be here to support and guide you as best we are able.
My best to you! Keep posting as often as you need on whatever concerns you. We're listening.
Alice
I am so glad that you are here and are reaching out in other ways as well with counselling and meetings. You will receive a lot of advice, a lot of experience, and whole lot of hope and support here. All of these things can only go so far, unfortunately. It is you who has to walk this particular path though it may be frighteningly similar to those of others.
I agree with what's been said. You have been deceived by this man in more ways than one. His addictions, his abusive nature, and his disregard for the welfare of others certainly weren't aspects of this man's inner soul that drew you to him. I would be more apt to say that the good man you see in him was actually a facade he put up to gain your trust and ultimately your hand in marriage.
Remember that your safety and health surpass his needs or desires to make amends or to keep the marriage intact. Do only what is healthy and safe for yourself regardless of how it affects him or whether it's what your feelings tell you. Feelings are easily and often effortlessly manipulated by addicts and abusers. Sometimes, we have to detach from our addicted loved ones and check our emotions at the door as they can undue what positive progress we make.
You can climb out of this situation when you are ready whether he decides to get help for his many issues or not. We will be here to support and guide you as best we are able.
My best to you! Keep posting as often as you need on whatever concerns you. We're listening.
Alice
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
You do not have "another failed marriage." Okay, first of all this is NOT a marriage. This is a HOSTAGE situation. Practicing alcohlics and addicts do not have relationships or marriages they take hostages!
Now the longer you stay, the less 'self worth' you will have and the more the 'Stockholm Syndrome' will take over.
Get out NOW. Listen to your family and his! You don't have to file for divorce, yet, but do get a Legal Separation, thus any bills he runs up, and he will, you will not be responsible for. Go to Al-Anon, lots of Al-Anon and do the one on one couseling, stay a far distance away and watch his ACTIONS.
Somewhere down the road his ACTIONS will show you whether to stay or go.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Now the longer you stay, the less 'self worth' you will have and the more the 'Stockholm Syndrome' will take over.
Get out NOW. Listen to your family and his! You don't have to file for divorce, yet, but do get a Legal Separation, thus any bills he runs up, and he will, you will not be responsible for. Go to Al-Anon, lots of Al-Anon and do the one on one couseling, stay a far distance away and watch his ACTIONS.
Somewhere down the road his ACTIONS will show you whether to stay or go.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by innerpeace67 
His mother told me to run too, but he said she was just jealous of my being in his life and not to listen to her. But now that you have said it to it sacares me that it may be true. I dont want another failed marriage!
2nd was an absolute lunatic, look whose talking. I was really middle age crazy. Lasted 6 months, shouldn't even count it.. She kept going back and forth between me and guy I was 'brilliant and charming' enough to steal her from. That was some fun, but I was a drunk, getting stupider every year.
3rd AXW.... man that one took the cake. Together 13 yrs, married 11, finally found a girl that liked to drink as much as me, oh and she was 24, me 42. Now THAT seemed like a good idea at the time. We were 'functional' drunks, both had good jobs, however she lost one to drinking that first whirlwind month.
Hell, I was a drunk myself, and had PLENTY of red flags, But I CHOSE to ignore them. I wouldn't be too hard on myself, there's lots of people on this board and in AlAnon WAY smarter than you, and I know me, who have found themselves married to alcoholic/drug addicts.
It's not the worst thing that could happen to you, you could have made a baby with him, or 2, or 3, or 4, like a lot of us.
I'm sure most people would understand, I KNOW most people on this board understand.
Oh, and I gotta agree, Run like your pants are on fire. You been given a gift here.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
that it will never happen again. But two weeks later it does
especially, when he is in jail, he will tell you Anything... Alot of us heard the same thing. Are these collect calls from him (mine were). Just start not accepting them. When my xabf got out of jail, he was drinking a few hrs later & telling me he would try to quit. It's alot of quacking. take care
especially, when he is in jail, he will tell you Anything... Alot of us heard the same thing. Are these collect calls from him (mine were). Just start not accepting them. When my xabf got out of jail, he was drinking a few hrs later & telling me he would try to quit. It's alot of quacking. take care
innerpeace~where did you go?
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 25
Good morning,
I am overwhelmed by the responses, advice, experiences, concern and caring! Thank you sooo much for replying to my post. I have printed off the post so I can go over each reply and really study what was written. I will admit that I was hoping someone would agree with me that I should stay in my marriage and show him what the love of Christ and unconditional love from me can do. I DO accept what everyone is saying though and really want to make the right decision. He will be in jail atleast until his court date of Oct 16th so I don't have to make a quick decision. It's very hard for me to abandon someone when they are hurting, in need, and willing to do whatever it takes to change; especially if that person is my husband.
Yesterday I went by the pawn shop where he had pawned his wedding ring (for the 2nd time) and some other items. I was going to get the ring out and wear it to visitation at the jail so he would know I had it. The pawn shop was closed up tight...nothing was in the store. The headlines in the paper are that the pawn shop is being charged with rackateering. It hurts so bad to think that he could pawn his wedding ring in the first place, let alone for drugs! But now I cant even get it back! I am sure this sounds trivial to a lot of you, but it was one of the small hopes I had that would be a "sign" that everything was going to be ok.
I promised him last night that I had made my decision and was not going to leave him...now I am having doubts that I can keep that promise. I wish I hadn't said anything until I was able to read these posts this morning. I am soooo confused!!!
I am overwhelmed by the responses, advice, experiences, concern and caring! Thank you sooo much for replying to my post. I have printed off the post so I can go over each reply and really study what was written. I will admit that I was hoping someone would agree with me that I should stay in my marriage and show him what the love of Christ and unconditional love from me can do. I DO accept what everyone is saying though and really want to make the right decision. He will be in jail atleast until his court date of Oct 16th so I don't have to make a quick decision. It's very hard for me to abandon someone when they are hurting, in need, and willing to do whatever it takes to change; especially if that person is my husband.
Yesterday I went by the pawn shop where he had pawned his wedding ring (for the 2nd time) and some other items. I was going to get the ring out and wear it to visitation at the jail so he would know I had it. The pawn shop was closed up tight...nothing was in the store. The headlines in the paper are that the pawn shop is being charged with rackateering. It hurts so bad to think that he could pawn his wedding ring in the first place, let alone for drugs! But now I cant even get it back! I am sure this sounds trivial to a lot of you, but it was one of the small hopes I had that would be a "sign" that everything was going to be ok.
I promised him last night that I had made my decision and was not going to leave him...now I am having doubts that I can keep that promise. I wish I hadn't said anything until I was able to read these posts this morning. I am soooo confused!!!
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Why are you surprised at the responses you received if you've been reading this forum for a while? If love was all that it took to get our AH's sober, there would be no need for this board! You can literally kill an alcoholic with kindness. By enabling them, they never suffer the consequences of their drinking so don't feel the need to stop.
Your AH is saying all the right things to you now but what will happen once he's out of jail? The best indicator of future actions is past behaviour (as someone on the forum quoted). Judge him on his actions not his words.
Please, read a copy of Co Dependent No More by Melody Beattie. try going to Al Anon. Learn more about alcoholism. You deserve so much better than this.
Your AH is saying all the right things to you now but what will happen once he's out of jail? The best indicator of future actions is past behaviour (as someone on the forum quoted). Judge him on his actions not his words.
Please, read a copy of Co Dependent No More by Melody Beattie. try going to Al Anon. Learn more about alcoholism. You deserve so much better than this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by innerpeace67
I am soooo confused!!!
Magical thinking: If I love someone enough, I can change them.
Reality: The only person I can change is myself.
Magical thinking: Marriage means lifelong love and commitment.
Reality: Sometimes marriages don't last.
Magical thinking: This time will be different.
Reality: Past behavior is the best indication of future behavior.
You went to the pawn shop looking for a 'sign.' I'd say you got one. Or do you only believe in 'signs' that point to what you want?
L
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