I need advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 5
I need advice
Hi
I havent been on since I 1st posted about my husband & unfortunately Im back.
A quick background:
My husband got his 2nd DUI in May.
His 1st was just over 5 years ago & he totaled our car.
He doesnt drink everyday, I personally think hes a binge drinker. If there is ANY type of gathering or function and theres alcohol, he manages to always overdo it.
Its made holidays, weddings, birthdays, BBQs, etc no fun for me anymore.
In the past Ive tried to just avoid it by telling him to stay at his friends house or families house til morning, but that didnt always happen.
Ive had arguments over & over with him about it & he basically thinks Im over reacting & that I dont let him have a good time anymore.
Ive been overly stressed and I have literally made myself sick in the past over it all
With his 1st DUI, I thought things would change but after a year things slowly went back to they way they were & he was overdoing it at gatherings again.
I tried to work with him & make it fair for both of us and I had thought my threats of not staying for a 2nd DUI would scare him, but here we are again! A 2nd DUI!
Since May he hasnt drank except for 2 gatherings: 1 was a wedding & the other was a Quincenera. The wedding he did ok, but the Quincenera I could tell he was trying to hide how many drinks he had and of course the next morning he said what he always tries to say "i was good, right?"
I think he says that so I can say "yes" & he can say, "well I had 5+ and I was still good so it shouldnt be a problem, right?"
WRONG!
I can tell when hes had more than 3~but he thinks hes fine!
Oh and of course even with a 2nd DUI, he doesnt think he was drunk, he blames the cop for being an a__hole~& my reponse is "dont kid yourself". So you can see the denial he is in & what Im dealing with.
so at this point I have been very depressed cause he acts like nothing is wrong & I honestly think he doesnt think he has a problem or he wants to talk about it.
He thinks Im over reacting
We have another family gathering in a week, so do I "test" him or do I not even wait?
How do you approach someone who doesnt think they have a problem & thinks YOUR the problem by making it a problem?
Should I be taking steps to prepare for the worse?
I dont know what to do?
I havent been on since I 1st posted about my husband & unfortunately Im back.
A quick background:
My husband got his 2nd DUI in May.
His 1st was just over 5 years ago & he totaled our car.
He doesnt drink everyday, I personally think hes a binge drinker. If there is ANY type of gathering or function and theres alcohol, he manages to always overdo it.
Its made holidays, weddings, birthdays, BBQs, etc no fun for me anymore.
In the past Ive tried to just avoid it by telling him to stay at his friends house or families house til morning, but that didnt always happen.
Ive had arguments over & over with him about it & he basically thinks Im over reacting & that I dont let him have a good time anymore.
Ive been overly stressed and I have literally made myself sick in the past over it all
With his 1st DUI, I thought things would change but after a year things slowly went back to they way they were & he was overdoing it at gatherings again.
I tried to work with him & make it fair for both of us and I had thought my threats of not staying for a 2nd DUI would scare him, but here we are again! A 2nd DUI!
Since May he hasnt drank except for 2 gatherings: 1 was a wedding & the other was a Quincenera. The wedding he did ok, but the Quincenera I could tell he was trying to hide how many drinks he had and of course the next morning he said what he always tries to say "i was good, right?"
I think he says that so I can say "yes" & he can say, "well I had 5+ and I was still good so it shouldnt be a problem, right?"
WRONG!
I can tell when hes had more than 3~but he thinks hes fine!
Oh and of course even with a 2nd DUI, he doesnt think he was drunk, he blames the cop for being an a__hole~& my reponse is "dont kid yourself". So you can see the denial he is in & what Im dealing with.
so at this point I have been very depressed cause he acts like nothing is wrong & I honestly think he doesnt think he has a problem or he wants to talk about it.
He thinks Im over reacting
We have another family gathering in a week, so do I "test" him or do I not even wait?
How do you approach someone who doesnt think they have a problem & thinks YOUR the problem by making it a problem?
Should I be taking steps to prepare for the worse?
I dont know what to do?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
This may sound harsh, but it's not meant to be harsh.
He's made it pretty clear that he wants to continue drinking.
You've started to make it clear that your threats are meaningless (i.e., second DUI resulted in no real consequences from you).
Alcoholism is a condition of severe denial. It is also progressive. It has different patterns (skid row drunk, binger, wino, executive on the greens, you name it - it has varied forms), but the same outcome always - recovery or jails, institutions or death.
There is a lot of information on the board here about developing personal boundaries - what you find acceptable for yourself in your life, and what you will do with yourself if you come up against a situation where the unacceptable is presented to you.
Only he can decide if he's willing to change. Your decisions are what you want your life to be, and what you are willing to change or put up with.
Al-Anon is a great, free, local organization for friends and family affected by another's problem drinking. Perhaps you could find some local meetings and speak to others who have been in your shoes. Folks here are also terrific.
Welcome to SR! Read and learn as much as you can about this world of alcohol.
CLMI
He's made it pretty clear that he wants to continue drinking.
You've started to make it clear that your threats are meaningless (i.e., second DUI resulted in no real consequences from you).
Alcoholism is a condition of severe denial. It is also progressive. It has different patterns (skid row drunk, binger, wino, executive on the greens, you name it - it has varied forms), but the same outcome always - recovery or jails, institutions or death.
There is a lot of information on the board here about developing personal boundaries - what you find acceptable for yourself in your life, and what you will do with yourself if you come up against a situation where the unacceptable is presented to you.
Only he can decide if he's willing to change. Your decisions are what you want your life to be, and what you are willing to change or put up with.
Al-Anon is a great, free, local organization for friends and family affected by another's problem drinking. Perhaps you could find some local meetings and speak to others who have been in your shoes. Folks here are also terrific.
Welcome to SR! Read and learn as much as you can about this world of alcohol.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by partyover 
My husband got his 2nd DUI in May.
His 1st was just over 5 years ago & he totaled our car.
I personally think hes a binge drinker. If there is ANY type of gathering or function and theres alcohol, he manages to always overdo it.
he basically thinks Im over reacting & that I dont let him have a good time anymore.
With his 1st DUI, I thought things would change but after a year things slowly went back to they way they were & he was overdoing it at gatherings again.
of course the next morning he said what he always tries to say "i was good, right?" I think he says that so I can say "yes" & he can say, "well I had 5+ and I was still good so it shouldnt be a problem, right?"
I can tell when hes had more than 3~but he thinks hes fine!
Oh and of course even with a 2nd DUI, he doesnt think he was drunk,
he blames the cop for being an a__hole~&
he acts like nothing is wrong
he doesnt think he has a problem or he wants to talk about it.
He thinks Im over reacting
What was hard for me was I took it personally....oh so personally. I had a hard time separating my dreams of what I wanted in a relationship to what was reality. Reality was my AH could not stop drinking once he started, he would make horrible decisions that jeopardized lives while drunk and jeopardized my family, and his right to drink came before anything including his kids, his family, his wife, his job, his health. I did not want to believe that.
So, what to do? I had to hit my own bottom before I could begin taking care of myself. I smile to myself because I used to think, "Why did he not see he had a problem when he crashed his vehicle, lost a limb and had a blood alcohol over 3X the limit? He also said the police were at fault and the test were wrong!"
Then I realize I did the same thing...that incident was not my bottom either...it was only the early wake up call. Once I had had enough I began to help myself through individual counseling, Alanon, lots of reading, posting here, and finding my spiritual side again.
Welcome back, you are among friends.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 5
i want everyone to know that there is nothing too harsh that can be said here.
I need to see it & hear it
I have been refered to al anon & i will try to attend a meeting
Do i try to talk to him?
Do i tell him we need therapy?
I need to see it & hear it
I have been refered to al anon & i will try to attend a meeting
Do i try to talk to him?
Do i tell him we need therapy?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Have you been to al-anon meetings? I have recently started going and I think they are helpful. This group is very helpful. Read all the posts and stickies. I've read them all at least twice 
. Read books about co-dependency. I wish I would have started doing all this years ago - when my life (and my AH) was exactly like yours.
Alcoholism progresses, it always does. All my talking, all my manipulation of people and environments, all my attempts at getting things to work out, all my 'steps to prepare' and manage the situation, all the threats to try and force change did nothing but destroy *me*. Many years later and we've had four children. Now they have their own legacy of damage to live with.
IME an alcoholic wants alcohol and someone to take care of them and if they already have that why the heck would they do anything else? They do not make changes for their wife/kids because their wife and kids simply don't rate.
ETA: The other responses about recovery for yourself are very good. I didn't talk about that, not because it isn't important, but because I'm just starting it so I'm still figuring it all out.
. Read books about co-dependency. I wish I would have started doing all this years ago - when my life (and my AH) was exactly like yours. Alcoholism progresses, it always does. All my talking, all my manipulation of people and environments, all my attempts at getting things to work out, all my 'steps to prepare' and manage the situation, all the threats to try and force change did nothing but destroy *me*. Many years later and we've had four children. Now they have their own legacy of damage to live with.
IME an alcoholic wants alcohol and someone to take care of them and if they already have that why the heck would they do anything else? They do not make changes for their wife/kids because their wife and kids simply don't rate.
ETA: The other responses about recovery for yourself are very good. I didn't talk about that, not because it isn't important, but because I'm just starting it so I'm still figuring it all out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by partyover
Do i try to talk to him?
Do i tell him we need therapy?
Do i tell him we need therapy?
He is content with his drinking and you are not. So, when he says he doesn't have a problem and you do, he's right in a way.
Joint counseling with an active alcoholic is probably doomed to failure because in active addition, they are pretty much incapable of being honest. Individual therapy for you is an excellent idea, however.
L
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Welcome to SR! You've gotten some good advice already.
In regards to your husband's drinking, you did not cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You're investing yourself in trying to control the behavior of another adult. Many of us here have beens tuck in that zone for years, trying and saying anything to manipulate or convince their addicitve/ill partner to change. What we all eventually learn is that we are powerless over other people and things. Once we accept that and turn our focus to ourselves, we can experience peace and happiness.
You have no need to be embarassed by your husband's behavior. You aren't doing anything, his behavior reflects on HIM not on YOU.
Al Anon meetings are a great place to start getting the help you need FOR YOURSELF. You going to meetings will NOT make him stop drinking. It will NOT give you the tools to make him change. What it will do is give you the tools to find happiness and serenity in yourself, not from other people.
In regards to your husband's drinking, you did not cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. You're investing yourself in trying to control the behavior of another adult. Many of us here have beens tuck in that zone for years, trying and saying anything to manipulate or convince their addicitve/ill partner to change. What we all eventually learn is that we are powerless over other people and things. Once we accept that and turn our focus to ourselves, we can experience peace and happiness.
You have no need to be embarassed by your husband's behavior. You aren't doing anything, his behavior reflects on HIM not on YOU.
Al Anon meetings are a great place to start getting the help you need FOR YOURSELF. You going to meetings will NOT make him stop drinking. It will NOT give you the tools to make him change. What it will do is give you the tools to find happiness and serenity in yourself, not from other people.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: westwood, ks
Posts: 1
i need advice
I was wondering about the family gathering. Something you do have control over is what you can do to take care of yourself. That still wont take away the sadness frustration or whatever but perhaps at least you wont feel so helpless.
So if it is your sisde of the family gathering you could calmly tell your husband that you wan t to go by yourself. Or if its his family you could not go. I don't know if it would be a good idea to tell him its because of his drinking and it destracts you from having connections from other members of your family. That may be fuel to the fire but really you don't have to explain yourself at all. I dont know your family situation so I hope I am not being too presumptious.
I don't really know what to do. Gather information, get support ortherapist or group so that you eventually will know what is best for you, I am just starting out. But if you feel like you must do something now...work on taking care of yourself. Think about your safety, or what can you do to meet your needs.
I am compiling a list of situations involving my spouse drinking, daily stuff, how I respond internally and how I choose to respond with it externally. And asking myself how will this response serve me. If I am mad and want to rip him a new one and do so, it creates chaos and hurts us and the kids. So I say I am too mad to talk to you now (of course wanting to throw in, and your too drunk to listen anyway) lots of times I just walk away,
My husband does admit he is an alchoholic. he just got a DWI. We have been in individual therapy for 6-7 years and couples for 2. So we are working on it, his stuff and mine too. He is a good person and we really love each other so that helps me tolerate the times that are lame.
I am really sorry your husband is unwilling to see he has a problem. Mine is willing and its really hard as it is.
I am glad your getting support and I hope you can find some peace in the midst of the rough stuff.
Peace,
Juniper
So if it is your sisde of the family gathering you could calmly tell your husband that you wan t to go by yourself. Or if its his family you could not go. I don't know if it would be a good idea to tell him its because of his drinking and it destracts you from having connections from other members of your family. That may be fuel to the fire but really you don't have to explain yourself at all. I dont know your family situation so I hope I am not being too presumptious.
I don't really know what to do. Gather information, get support ortherapist or group so that you eventually will know what is best for you, I am just starting out. But if you feel like you must do something now...work on taking care of yourself. Think about your safety, or what can you do to meet your needs.
I am compiling a list of situations involving my spouse drinking, daily stuff, how I respond internally and how I choose to respond with it externally. And asking myself how will this response serve me. If I am mad and want to rip him a new one and do so, it creates chaos and hurts us and the kids. So I say I am too mad to talk to you now (of course wanting to throw in, and your too drunk to listen anyway) lots of times I just walk away,
My husband does admit he is an alchoholic. he just got a DWI. We have been in individual therapy for 6-7 years and couples for 2. So we are working on it, his stuff and mine too. He is a good person and we really love each other so that helps me tolerate the times that are lame.
I am really sorry your husband is unwilling to see he has a problem. Mine is willing and its really hard as it is.
I am glad your getting support and I hope you can find some peace in the midst of the rough stuff.
Peace,
Juniper
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Should I be taking steps to prepare for the worse?
The worst? Like a 3rd DUI? Or a DUI where he kills someone else- some innocent person, child, grandma?
If you're thinking that following through on your threat of "not staying" is the "worst" then I have some great news for you! Leaving this relationship with an active alcoholic will NOT be the worst thing that could happen to you in your life. Not that it will be easy or painless. But it will not be the worst. Not by far.
I agree w/ LTD- marriage counseling w/ an active alcoholic is a waste of time and money. Spend those therapy dollars/hours on YOU alone and there is a real possibility that amazing things will happen.
Welcome-- glad you found this place--
peace,
b
The worst? Like a 3rd DUI? Or a DUI where he kills someone else- some innocent person, child, grandma?
If you're thinking that following through on your threat of "not staying" is the "worst" then I have some great news for you! Leaving this relationship with an active alcoholic will NOT be the worst thing that could happen to you in your life. Not that it will be easy or painless. But it will not be the worst. Not by far.
I agree w/ LTD- marriage counseling w/ an active alcoholic is a waste of time and money. Spend those therapy dollars/hours on YOU alone and there is a real possibility that amazing things will happen.
Welcome-- glad you found this place--
peace,
b
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