Help- on crazytrain again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 34
Help- on crazytrain again
So I'm nice and settled in my new place. Sorta happy.
My AH has been decent to visit the kids...no financial support of course...
I just got a call from a chaplin at a jail from a city about 30 mins from here.
(I dont know why a chaplin called and not an officer or my AH)
My AH is in jail for theft over 1000$. He asked If I could bail my Ah out of jail.
..............I SAID NO!!!!!!!!.........
I'm pretty sad, upset, disappointed. I'm mad because I will have to tell the boys he's not coming for his wednesday visit. What do I tell my 6 year old.
I'm getting sick of making up stories as to all the strange behavior of my AH.
Do I explain he's a drug addict? what do I do?
My AH is sooooooooooo lost now.
The detox in jail could kill him...he's insulin dependant.
I truelly feel sorry for him. But I can't let him ruin my life anymore.
I dont know him at all anymore. He REALLY is a different person now.
I hope I did the right thing.
My AH has been decent to visit the kids...no financial support of course...
I just got a call from a chaplin at a jail from a city about 30 mins from here.
(I dont know why a chaplin called and not an officer or my AH)
My AH is in jail for theft over 1000$. He asked If I could bail my Ah out of jail.
..............I SAID NO!!!!!!!!.........
I'm pretty sad, upset, disappointed. I'm mad because I will have to tell the boys he's not coming for his wednesday visit. What do I tell my 6 year old.
I'm getting sick of making up stories as to all the strange behavior of my AH.
Do I explain he's a drug addict? what do I do?
My AH is sooooooooooo lost now.
The detox in jail could kill him...he's insulin dependant.
I truelly feel sorry for him. But I can't let him ruin my life anymore.
I dont know him at all anymore. He REALLY is a different person now.
I hope I did the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 24
Crazytrain, that seems so apt to describe what is happening to you at the moment. There is nothing you can do for your AH at the mo except visit as often as you can. Raising bail if you can, if you think it is wise to pony up for him.
The best thing you can do is look after yourself, that way you will be in the best way to help him if and when you think he deserves your help.
The best thing you can do is look after yourself, that way you will be in the best way to help him if and when you think he deserves your help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Crazy train,
As hard as it may be... you did the right thing.
As far as the children... they are more resilient than adults. I would start by telling them the truth but in a way that a child can understand. At age 6, they don't understand and can't begin to understand what an addict is but they can understand some terms like "Daddy is sick." "Daddy did something wrong and he is in jail now." 6 year olds do understand right from wrong. They do understand what jail is and why people go there- because they did something wrong. This is really your only responsibility to them.... HIS responsibility will be to make amends, once and if that day comes. But your children will respect you more if you be honest with them from the start.
I have a 6 year old as well (not by my RBF) and it's easier to keep my 6 y/o out of the loop as my RBF does not live with me but I have told him that my RBF is sick and he needs help. You are married to him and have his children. So they will question why he isn't at home, why he doesn't visit, etc., etc.
I hope this helps ease some of your worries. As far as him detoxing in jail, they will meet his medical needs as they arise. He isn't the first person that has come through there detoxing off of alcohol. They are well aware of the risks and will send him out if needed for medical attention.
You are not responsible for his addiction and/or the consequences that may follow. Addicts are fully aware that their addictions can lead them to two places if they continue to use (jail or death). It's unfortunate, however, you did not cause this, you cannot control it nor can you cure it.
Please read the stickies at the top. There is a lot of useful information there.
Also, I suggest you read "Reclaim Your Family from Addiction" by Craig Nakken. There is a useful chapter in there that addresses how addiction affects the children and it breaks it down into ages. It's a useful and informative book all around for the family to read as well as the addict (when they are ready for recovery).
Take care of yourself and your children first above anything else. I'm praying for you in this time of chaos. It will settle.
As hard as it may be... you did the right thing.
As far as the children... they are more resilient than adults. I would start by telling them the truth but in a way that a child can understand. At age 6, they don't understand and can't begin to understand what an addict is but they can understand some terms like "Daddy is sick." "Daddy did something wrong and he is in jail now." 6 year olds do understand right from wrong. They do understand what jail is and why people go there- because they did something wrong. This is really your only responsibility to them.... HIS responsibility will be to make amends, once and if that day comes. But your children will respect you more if you be honest with them from the start.
I have a 6 year old as well (not by my RBF) and it's easier to keep my 6 y/o out of the loop as my RBF does not live with me but I have told him that my RBF is sick and he needs help. You are married to him and have his children. So they will question why he isn't at home, why he doesn't visit, etc., etc.
I hope this helps ease some of your worries. As far as him detoxing in jail, they will meet his medical needs as they arise. He isn't the first person that has come through there detoxing off of alcohol. They are well aware of the risks and will send him out if needed for medical attention.
You are not responsible for his addiction and/or the consequences that may follow. Addicts are fully aware that their addictions can lead them to two places if they continue to use (jail or death). It's unfortunate, however, you did not cause this, you cannot control it nor can you cure it.
Please read the stickies at the top. There is a lot of useful information there.
Also, I suggest you read "Reclaim Your Family from Addiction" by Craig Nakken. There is a useful chapter in there that addresses how addiction affects the children and it breaks it down into ages. It's a useful and informative book all around for the family to read as well as the addict (when they are ready for recovery).
Take care of yourself and your children first above anything else. I'm praying for you in this time of chaos. It will settle.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Hmmmm. How do you KNOW it was a chaplain, other than what he said over the phone? Seems fishy to me, and at the very least manipulative.
If your husband's behavior got him into jail, then his behavior can get him out, eventually. Nothing to do with you.
I think simple, age-appropriate neutral truth is the way to go. It is what it is, and kids know instinctively they are being disrespected when we lie to them or tell them things that don't make sense. They are surprisingly able to draw their own conclusions, given the truth of matters.
Keep strong! Stay focused!
CLMI
If your husband's behavior got him into jail, then his behavior can get him out, eventually. Nothing to do with you.
I think simple, age-appropriate neutral truth is the way to go. It is what it is, and kids know instinctively they are being disrespected when we lie to them or tell them things that don't make sense. They are surprisingly able to draw their own conclusions, given the truth of matters.
Keep strong! Stay focused!
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
My sons were about 5 and 6 when their father didn't visit them or call them on Christmas (we were divorced a few years). I made excuses - he loves you very much, but he is a busy man - he wanted to call you, but he is out of town.
My son looked up at me with big eyes and said, "Mommy, if Daddy really loved me he would come and see me".
I learned that kids really do know what is going on. And I also learned not to "lie" for their Dad, because that just made my sons not be able to trust me.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
My son looked up at me with big eyes and said, "Mommy, if Daddy really loved me he would come and see me".
I learned that kids really do know what is going on. And I also learned not to "lie" for their Dad, because that just made my sons not be able to trust me.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
