what are your favorite practical tips/recovery tools?

Old 09-15-2009, 03:10 AM
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what are your favorite practical tips/recovery tools?

Sorry this is a LOOOONNNNGGGG post

I love this forum,
I've been lurking here and reading and occasionally posting for years, and although I may be the slowest learner and mover forward on the block, creeping forward I am getting there!

I've been thinking about the things that have really helped me, and where I still struggle. Often it comes down to practical examples of how people handled things themselves, with all the details, so that I can try and put them into practice, some worked for me, others didn't, others worked later on.
People sharing “I felt better once I had let it go/forgiven them/surrendered/set boundaries/stopped engaging/detached/stopped worrying/accepted reality/whatever” were great. But for me, often I wasn't doing these things because I had no idea how to, not because I was stubborn and wilfully refusing to follow directions! How did you work on it? What did you DO with that slogan? Tell me the secret!!!!
I know that this is all the sort of stuff that you probably can sort out with a sponsor, working those old steps, and definitely with a counsellor but we're not all in that position.
I'm going to put down a few of my favourites: the practical tools, the words, the visualisations, the situation I used them in and how it helped me. I would love it if people would add theirs so I might get to see a few more.
So how do you deal with difficult people, verbal conflict, jealousy, anger, obsessions, boundary setting, control, accepting difficult realities, feeling less than others etc?

this is my first one:

Dealing with anger

I was taught not to show anger, but not what to do with it. In fact I thought that it was wrong to feel and to be angry, so I stuffed it waaaayyyy down. It often came out as depression (anger turned on myself).
With my AH, I was in a tailspin, I was stuffing so many emotions, trying to fit my experience of reality to his words that my anger often erupted, in harsh, painful, wounding words. I was angry a lot and the anger often felt like the only authentic emotion I was expressing. It also felt strong and powerful not weak and down-trodden, so in the moment it felt good to release all that rage, to be the powerful one. And for a few moments afterwards I was on a high. But then I would be exhausted and ashamed of myself, and because I was in a black and white world I felt worthless and accepted everything that was thrown at me for a while, all bad behaviour, because I was no better....

I am rubbish at stopping the explosion when it comes (and I hope someone will come along with practical tips for me....) so I try to 1) stop it getting to that point and 2) if that doesn't work try and calm it down as soon as possible straight away, and apologise if necessary.
I try and remind myself as often as possible that anger is natural and necessary emotion, it isn’t bad or good, just there. My feelings don’t define me.
Firstly, I acknowledge that I am feeling ticked off - without judgement, it is just a feeling! and this means that I actually say to myself (in my head or out-loud or by writing it down) - as soon as I start feeling it: "I see I'm feeling angry, I don't like that X is happening". Not examining it, just describing it to myself.

If it persists after this and I find myself still feeling angry the next time it happens or the next day or whenever it rears again, I acknowledge it again, and I try a little examination (Al-Anon's "how important is it?"): again without judgement, not "I'm being stupid to get worked up about this" or "how important should this be" nor "how important do other people think this is" but "am I willing to devote my time and thoughts to this matter, is it worth that much to me?", will I care about this issue on my death-bed? in 10 years? after pay-day? when I've eaten and slept?

If I think it is important I try not to bottle it up, I try and address it calmly with the person when I am slightly irritated, at that point I can keep it light.

If I think its not worth my energy but it still gets to me, I try and work out if I am ascribing the anger to the right thing (e.g. I'm feeling angry that you left the towels on the floor again. I've decided really isn't worth my time getting frustrated over, but it still bugs me. Eventually I realise this is because I think it demonstrates that you think of me as a servant who will pick up after you rather than a partner - I need to acknowledge, and if necessary raise that one)

Sometimes I need to feel the anger and give it an outlet too, to diffuse some of it, for example If I'm hopping mad and need to calm down before broaching a subject or if it's something I or someone else can't/is unwilling to change). I had to have it pointed out to me first though before any of these really worked, that shouting at someone in a rage is not the natural response to anger, it is just one of a range of possible responses, and one that I was doing because that is what I'd been shown to do as a child. Before my counsellor said this, I thought that dealing with anger in any other way, was a sort of second best substitute that would help me avoid the "natural" but abusive way to deal with anger. I also had to be given examples, because I searched on the internet for "healthy outlets for anger" and came up with lots of things that said it was imperative that people do this but no help on what this might constitute.

Then I can try and write it all down with a big thick angry pen, I have wrapped pages of anger round pebbles and hurled them into rivers thinking in my head (or yelling if there's no-one around!) what exactly I was angry about and releasing that anger into the river with a physical motion.

I like the idea of painting a big picture with powerful angry brush-strokes. For me, this bit needs to be a combination of feeling the anger properly in all its force and then symbolically getting it outside of myself with some sort of physical activity, (that doesn't involve shouting at people!).

I have a friend that "digs" out her anger in the garden, and one that runs it away.

I often need to repeat the last bit!

I am looking forward to reading what has helped you most in difficult situations.
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Old 09-15-2009, 06:58 AM
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To deal with a tuff situation, trying person I'm dealing with, or just my inner self's conflicts of thoughts, I love to be outside doing something physical, with head phones in ears, singging! The other night I had a long day at work, and just needed to blow off stem, so I put the phones in the ears, and went out to the apple trees and racked them up, I felt alive and sang and thought!!

I also love to be on the mower listening to music! When things are bothering me, I always try to find a "project" to do around the house in or out! My biggest project's that I still need to tackle are painting all the rooms in the house! Afterward I feel so rewarded for the beauty my hard work had done, and the feels that didn't feel so good, seem to go away!

I've also thought about getting a bike, to ride in the morning before work, or to ride with my young dauhters as a family activity.

Other times I call friends or family, but I'm finding the physical activity is much more rewarding! or writing in my journal.

And if that all doesn't help a good cry season, helps!

Kota
Thank you again to this forum, I'm so happy I found it!!!
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Old 09-15-2009, 08:38 AM
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i REALLY need help dealing with jealousy, obsessions and control. especially jealousy. if anyone has some suggestions, please let me know. thanks!
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Old 09-15-2009, 09:11 AM
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My therapist has helped me to celebrate my small victories. For example, dealing with my anger has been such a process. The first step was being able to recognize what had happened after the fact. Like, if I had blown up at my husband - recognizing the anger and what was underneath the anger (usually hurt or fear) was a big step. It was important for me to celebrate that small victory, with something as small as taking a bubble bath. The next thing I went through was being able to feel that I was getting angry in the situation. Next step was being able to identify that I was hurt in a situation. Next step was being able to step away from a situation where I was feeling hurt and didn't know how to respond except with anger. And so on, and so on. But, I think celebrating each of these small victories has helped me to see how far I've come and to appreciate that this is a process and not an overnight fix.

Another thing that has been big for me is learning to listen to myself and allow myself to speak my truth. This all came about because of an affair that my husband had, and looking back over how I knew something wasn't right but I didn't honor my feelings. The "friend" that he had an affair with gave me a bad feeling from the start, months before the affair started. At that time, I wanted to growl at her and my instincts told me she was a threat to my family. But even though I wanted to tell her to stay away from us, I didn't want to be crazy, so I didn't honor my feelings. I also let my husband make me feel like I was crazy and jealous. Once I learned about the affair, it became really important to me to tell the truth about it and to tell the truth about his problems with alcoholism too. I let him go around telling his side of the story for to long. He went around telling people, "But we didn't even sleep in the same bed anymore!" without telling them that I woke up one too many times in a puddle of urine, and, "I want a divorce because it's a cold and loveless marraige!" without mentioning that he had been having an affair. But anyway, once I got my side of the story out to friends and family, I was able to find support and he was able to get a big reality check. I will never dishonor my inner voice ever again.
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Old 09-15-2009, 09:14 AM
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Returning To, Reading & Accepting The Problem Over & Over

The Problem

Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic household. We had come to feel isolated, uneasy with other people, and especially authority figures.

To protect ourselves, we became people pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same, we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat. We either became alcoholics ourselves or married them or both.

Failing that, we found another compulsive personality, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment. We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an over-developed sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We somehow got guilt feelings when we stood up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. Thus, we became reactors, rather than actors, letting others take the initiative.

We were dependent personalities -- terrified of abandonment -- willing to do almost anything to hold onto a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. Yet we kept choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic parents.

These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism made us "co-victims" -- those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink.

We learned to keep our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue. Even more self defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable relationships.

This is a description, not an indictment.

-Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization, Inc.
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Old 09-15-2009, 09:16 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
well jealousy is an act of EGO....and entitlement. we look at others, what THEY have, or more to the point what we PERCEIVE they have and feel that we are entitled to. we lack a sense of boundaries, where WE end and the rest of the world begins, and therefore have no CENTER, no place to call home inside of ourselves, so we continually look OUTSIDE of ourselves for that sense of balance and completeness.

in relationships we try to POSSESS the other person, rather than co-exist. we become like cancerous growths that attempt to devour other healthy cells, INVADE their space and consume them. we claim others as captives. and we dare others to even try to take them away. actually we ENCOURAGE and instigate that "battle" - cuz when we "win" we feed our egos in triumph.

we often pick lousy partners......flighty, sketchy, unreliable....that assures we are always in competition for their time and attention. we want to be the PRIZE. we want them to love us SO much that they concede defeat, and hand themselves over TO us. we thrive in discord, chaos, upheaval. as we do not know how to live within ourselves, we live vicariously thru others...
In my relationship with xabf I was SO INSANELY jealous…of past partners, current female friends…I felt like they were getting some part of him that I wasn’t. he always seemed so eager to perform for everyone else but not for me, everyone else seemed so much more relevant and important. Seemed much happier to be around everyone else. That combined with the fact that he always seemed to need to get loaded (I took that quite personally, mistake #1…why couldn’t he just be fully aware and himself with me? What was I lacking? Why did he have to be stoned/drunk to tolerate everyday life with me?)

Put those two things together and I started questioning my place in his life and I guess I came up with some crazy scenarios in my head, which led me to snoop in his email, which I lied to him about but eventually told the truth, which led to a big blow-up involving a broken tv, which led to him kicking me out and dumping me.

ARGH! Perhaps if I had the tools to deal with jealousy I wouldn’t be where I am right now. it was just SO unhealthy.
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Old 09-15-2009, 09:25 AM
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Thank you so much Jen for this post. I have had the same problems as you... have gained insight into the theoretic aspect on how to solve my problems but wasn't sure how to put them into practice.

I have noticed in recent months that I have no idea how to handle anger in a healthy way! Thanks for pointing out "that shouting at someone in a rage is not the natural response to anger" ... wow... I think your post is really going to help me find better alternatives to deal with my anger!!!

Sorry, I don't have any answers... but can't wait to read everybody else's responses and learn and grow from it!!!
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