kj3880

I'm in a fairly new relationship that I think has moved too fast. My bf and I met in NA. He waited until I had a year clean to date me. He has 8 years clean. We've been together about 6 months and we now live together (not what we planned, but his roommates got pregnant and he had to move suddenly).

The problems: He is over a decade younger than I am, and is just getting started professionally after a devastating stroke. He is on welfare and waiting to start state handicapped job training to try to teach him some marketable skills. And I'm trying to reteach him to drive.

So for now, he helps me, and pays me what he can to help with the bills, too. He gives me about $600 a month, which I think is more than fair. He is a very nice man, and very supportive. I really love him, but, man is he getting to be clingy what with the not driving. It seemed like when I met him, he had a really strong network of recovering men, and he got around with all of them taking turns picking him up. But now he's with me, they all seem to feel the same way: KJ can drive him, she has a car.

I need some space!!! I don't want to end it, because I love him and he is a sensitive, lovely, wonderful person, but I can't breathe. He wants to be with me all the time. I don't understand this. Maybe it's because I'm his first time in love, even though he is in his 30's? I don't know. I need to find some ways to communicate that I have to have my time alone, or I'm not fun at all. Every time I bring this up, he seems so hurt. Ideas, EHS?

Love,
KJ

suki44883

Ugh. I know how difficult it is to try an explain something that is very important to you to someone who can get defensive and feel hurt. After years of trying all kinds of ways, I found that the best way is to just tell the person we need to talk and ask them to please wait until you are finished before they respond. That way, you can say what you need to say without getting off track by their responses. Say what you are feeling in as kind a way as you can and still be able to impart to them how important this is to you. Hopefully, you already know what you want to say, and when you are finished, ask him if he understands what you're trying to get across. The conversation should take off from there. You should know, by the way he responds, whether or not this relationship could go the distance. I wish you luck. I hate having to do stuff like this, but it's crucial to your own well-being.

URMYEVERYTHING

You and him both understand recovery and boundaries and what works best for you. How about just saying to him how you really feel??.... I will call him Mr. Clingy for now..LOL.. How about, "Mr. Clingy, I feel overwhelmed by picking up needs that you were able to have met prior to meeting me. I want to continue our own independence on some things, separate from each other, and hope that you can understand." "This is very important to me and important to our recovery."

This is just a suggestion. Just say exactly what you feel and what it is you are expecting from him. I'm sure with him still active on sobriety and working the program and having a support system he should be able to understand. If not, suggest he speak to his sponsor for some feedback to your requests before he jumps to getting irritated.

IPT

you can always write him a letter. Then you can take your time, sculpt it to say exactly what you want. Sometimes speaking off the cuff things come out wrong or sound not as they were intended. This you can read and re-read to make it right. Tehn sit down with him and read it or have him read it while you're in his presence and let the discussion ensue. Always tough to do these kinds of things. Good luck.

Abundance

piggy back what urmyeverthing says

Thinking that could be a good conversation starter....... since your moving in just happened to happen.... there are some things that are going to come up.. i.e. :: insert issues::

Also - since it just happen and was not planned - what have you discussed in regards to what the next step is?

Freedom1990

I highly recommend the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and starting your own program through Alanon or Naranon, in addition to your recovery from addictions.

Hopefully Laurie will see this thread, and add her experience in being a double winner too.

hello-kitty

I love I statements.

I am uncomfortable. I need space. I have issues. I... I... I...

gowest

I often think people get defensive when they hear "I need space", etc because it makes them believe that they are either 1-unloved or 2-you are leaving.

It seems to me that you can ask for exactly what you need
1 - I only can drive you to x place once a week (etc ...)
2 - tuesday & friday nights I am going to x,y & z alone
3 - when I meditate in the living room I like to be by myself so I can concentrate
4 - when I have my coffee and read the paper I don't like to engage in conversation
5 - when I go out with my girlfriend Lucy it just needs to be the two of us

If in fact you really do love him and want to continue the relationship I would keep the discussion to the "facts" of the problem.

If you ask for the "specific" things rather than "space" you too will see if it is a logistical problem or an emotional (you in fact don't want to be with him) problem.

Heck, I'm a mom, and I would walk through fire for my kids but I often say "Nope, can't drive you place x right now because I have things I need to do" or "Can't focus on what you are telling me because I'm in the middle of something can we talk in 15 minutes"

laurie6781

One of the hardest things I had to learn in recovery was how to set MY BOUNDARIES.

First I had to gain respect for myself. Then with the help of Al-Anon I started to figure out what 'my boundaries' ae.

Sounds to me like this fellow is slipping into 'old ways' and starting to 'take advantage' of you because you ALLOW it.

You are correct in that with compassion, kindness and thoughtfulness, you will have to set you bvoundary that he MUST continue to use the 'netwok he had in place before moving in with you. That you need 'your time' for your recovery and thus assume that he needs 'his time' for his recovery.

I also hope that you are and have discussed this with your sponsor. What is her take on this whole situation.

Based on what you have told us, I am a 'teeny' bit uncomfortable with the situation you have gotten yourself into and I do see some 'red flags' starting to wave a bit.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

hello-kitty

I like how gowest is so specific about what the boundaries are. I think that is terrific advice.

(I... I... I... I LOVE IT!)

kj3880

Yep I like how Gowests' boundaries seem very specific, too. It's weird being in a relationship where both people have respect for each other and truly want to be good for themselves and to each other and do good things in their lives. But I have to still remember that I'm a codependent person in recovery and that I will probably always have to guard against my tendency to "take over" another persons' life. I sometimes despair that I will never be able to turn things and people in my life over enough to have the serenity that I want in my life. It's a struggle for me to let go.

Just for today, God, grant me the serenity to accept the things and people I cannot change, to change the things about myself and my life that I need to change, and the wisdom to know the difference between my life and my responsibilities and others' lives and their responsibilities. Help me respect that others in my life are adults, that they got along just fine in their recovery before they met me, and let me turn them over to your care so that I can attend to my own life.

ItsmeAlice

Just for today, God, grant me the serenity to accept the things and people I cannot change, to change the things about myself and my life that I need to change, and the wisdom to know the difference between my life and my responsibilities and others' lives and their responsibilities. Help me respect that others in my life are adults, that they got along just fine in their recovery before they met me, and let me turn them over to your care so that I can attend to my own life.

KJ, thank you. This is just the prayer I needed to hear today. From your lips to HP's ear.