just when I thought the pain was lessening...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 80
just when I thought the pain was lessening...
Hi everyone.I haven't posted on here lately cos I've been so busy with starting a new job and looking for somewhere to live, but I've been occasionally reading some of the threads and it helps keep me going.
I've been doing okay on the whole, in fact feeling positive...but I'm feeling very fragile now after a horrible conversation with my XABF, who sadly I still have to live with (having exhausted other options) for another 2 weeks until I finally (yay!) have a paycheck of my own and can move out into my own place.
Basically he'd been drinking earlier on (it was very obvious), came home and passed out, but when he woke up hours later was still not 'right'...and came and started a confrontational conversation with me at 9 pm while I was trying to apply for jobs online b/c my current job is only short term contract (my precious evening time when my little one's asleep...I don't get much of it, so I was already on edge).
He went on about how he WILL get our son vaccinated and he will NOT be homeschooled (always been contentious topics for us). Trying to be wise and Al-Anon-ish, I said, okay, I definitely will discuss this with you, but I don't think now is the time. Well, he just wouldn't take no for an answer. I suppose I could have left the room but I knew that'd make me look even 'wrong'-er and somehow I guess I got sucked in. It is just SO SO maddening I want to SCREAM that he shows so little sign of interest in our son, spending no time with him, chooses to spend all his time not at work drinking and being passed out from drinking (yet blames his lack of time with him, on 'working full time' - like the rest of the world's dads don't also work!), yet he wants the final say on issues that are very, very close to my heart with regard to my son's welfare. Anyway, I tried to discuss it rationally but soon I was in tears and he was practically shouting. I just felt in so much pain as the tears came because I kept thinking 'I had a child with THIS man! I wish I was with someone who could really be the father he deserves'. It just KILLS me.
I am willing to have a dialogue with him, I'm by no means saying 'my way or the highway'...but it's just so hard when he is not taking up the responsibilities side of 'rights and responsibilities'. He refuses to research any of the issues he is adamant about, just says 'this is what's happening, and you've had your way up to now, now it's not happening anymore b/c we 're not together anymore.'
I am working Step one the past few weeks with a new sponsor, and my god is this relevant, b/c I am so powerless over his relationship with our son, so powerless over how he treats him, so powerless over the fact that it's all gone pear-shaped. I guess it's good in a way b/c I've been a bit cut off from my grief about the end of the relat, so focussed on practicals like jobhunting etc. I don't know what to do. I desperately don't want my son to be vaccinated and I don't know how to deal with an irrational person who won't even READ the stuff I've read or go to the talks I've gone to that have convinced me not to vaccinate. It's like...if he would do that, I would at least be able to have a reasoned debate with him, and perhaps we could find some middle ground. I suggested getting a mediator (as my lawyer suggested) but he of course was totally dismissive of that.(and by the way I am aware this vaccination issue is a controversial one and some of you may have strong opinions, but it's not really the point - it's about him being well-informed and open to a proper discussion, which he's not - he even said 'I want him to go to the surgery tomorrow and have all the shots in one go' which they don't even do! shows how much he knew about it).
I can't help but feel he's just trying to wind me up and have the satisfaction of seeing me in pain b/c he KNOWS this stuff kills me. He's convinced that i don't care at all about the breakup and am blithely 'swanning' on, so I think for him to see me cry is prob quite satisfying.
Anyway I needed to just have a rant about it amongst people who understand. My sponsor's away on holiday right now. I just feel really devastated by it all right now. Thank you anyone who made it to the end of this...for listening.
I've been doing okay on the whole, in fact feeling positive...but I'm feeling very fragile now after a horrible conversation with my XABF, who sadly I still have to live with (having exhausted other options) for another 2 weeks until I finally (yay!) have a paycheck of my own and can move out into my own place.
Basically he'd been drinking earlier on (it was very obvious), came home and passed out, but when he woke up hours later was still not 'right'...and came and started a confrontational conversation with me at 9 pm while I was trying to apply for jobs online b/c my current job is only short term contract (my precious evening time when my little one's asleep...I don't get much of it, so I was already on edge).
He went on about how he WILL get our son vaccinated and he will NOT be homeschooled (always been contentious topics for us). Trying to be wise and Al-Anon-ish, I said, okay, I definitely will discuss this with you, but I don't think now is the time. Well, he just wouldn't take no for an answer. I suppose I could have left the room but I knew that'd make me look even 'wrong'-er and somehow I guess I got sucked in. It is just SO SO maddening I want to SCREAM that he shows so little sign of interest in our son, spending no time with him, chooses to spend all his time not at work drinking and being passed out from drinking (yet blames his lack of time with him, on 'working full time' - like the rest of the world's dads don't also work!), yet he wants the final say on issues that are very, very close to my heart with regard to my son's welfare. Anyway, I tried to discuss it rationally but soon I was in tears and he was practically shouting. I just felt in so much pain as the tears came because I kept thinking 'I had a child with THIS man! I wish I was with someone who could really be the father he deserves'. It just KILLS me.
I am willing to have a dialogue with him, I'm by no means saying 'my way or the highway'...but it's just so hard when he is not taking up the responsibilities side of 'rights and responsibilities'. He refuses to research any of the issues he is adamant about, just says 'this is what's happening, and you've had your way up to now, now it's not happening anymore b/c we 're not together anymore.'
I am working Step one the past few weeks with a new sponsor, and my god is this relevant, b/c I am so powerless over his relationship with our son, so powerless over how he treats him, so powerless over the fact that it's all gone pear-shaped. I guess it's good in a way b/c I've been a bit cut off from my grief about the end of the relat, so focussed on practicals like jobhunting etc. I don't know what to do. I desperately don't want my son to be vaccinated and I don't know how to deal with an irrational person who won't even READ the stuff I've read or go to the talks I've gone to that have convinced me not to vaccinate. It's like...if he would do that, I would at least be able to have a reasoned debate with him, and perhaps we could find some middle ground. I suggested getting a mediator (as my lawyer suggested) but he of course was totally dismissive of that.(and by the way I am aware this vaccination issue is a controversial one and some of you may have strong opinions, but it's not really the point - it's about him being well-informed and open to a proper discussion, which he's not - he even said 'I want him to go to the surgery tomorrow and have all the shots in one go' which they don't even do! shows how much he knew about it).
I can't help but feel he's just trying to wind me up and have the satisfaction of seeing me in pain b/c he KNOWS this stuff kills me. He's convinced that i don't care at all about the breakup and am blithely 'swanning' on, so I think for him to see me cry is prob quite satisfying.
Anyway I needed to just have a rant about it amongst people who understand. My sponsor's away on holiday right now. I just feel really devastated by it all right now. Thank you anyone who made it to the end of this...for listening.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
My feeling is that he's trying to manipulate you into staying with him by threatening your parenting values. I would keep documenting his alcohol use and angry outbursts so that you can use this is court to get full legal and physical custody. With full legal custody, you will be able to make those parenting decisions alone. I seriously doubt that he has the ambition to fight these issues out in court. You can let your child's doctors know that you don't consent to vaccinations. Don't worry about homeschooling yet, if he's not close to school age.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi taking time-
one thing i could always count on with my xABF -- that he would rarely follow thru with anything that required organizational skills. perhaps yours is the same? is it perhaps unlikely that he will make a doctor's appointment, take time off work and actually take your son to get vaccinated? for mine, there is no way it would have happened.
aye, he would threaten. perhaps even make the appointment. but then it would fall away because this would require that he actually remember when the appointment was and also, actually go to it!
in these types of situations, i found it best not to argue back. he knows it's important to you and i would imagine that's why he's making a stand on this particular issue.
if you are living with him again, do you best to zip it and lay low. i would even go so far as to say "ok. i'll consider it" or some other non-commital words just to not engage.
good luck making it thru the next two weeks!
naive
one thing i could always count on with my xABF -- that he would rarely follow thru with anything that required organizational skills. perhaps yours is the same? is it perhaps unlikely that he will make a doctor's appointment, take time off work and actually take your son to get vaccinated? for mine, there is no way it would have happened.
aye, he would threaten. perhaps even make the appointment. but then it would fall away because this would require that he actually remember when the appointment was and also, actually go to it!
in these types of situations, i found it best not to argue back. he knows it's important to you and i would imagine that's why he's making a stand on this particular issue.
if you are living with him again, do you best to zip it and lay low. i would even go so far as to say "ok. i'll consider it" or some other non-commital words just to not engage.
good luck making it thru the next two weeks!
naive
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I know how awful it must be still living with him knowing you are leaving soon. But that soon will be here before you know it. And then you will have breathing room to take a look at things without all the drama and take the time to make the decisions you need and want to make. That gift of peace and time will do you wonders. Be patient with yourself. You will get to where you are meant to be.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Originally Posted by naive 
one thing i could always count on with my xABF -- that he would rarely follow thru with anything that required organizational skills. perhaps yours is the same?
Two weeks can be full of an enormous amount of tense minutes, but you don't have to live a single one of them over again. Each one brings you closer to a space with more peace in it. Time is marching ever forward, it cannot be stopped, you will be free of this conflict in your home
I don't know whether you were given this advice as a child to deal with bullies "ignore them and they'll lose interest", "don't let them see that it hurts"? Well it's true, bullies do stop if they can't get any pay-back from you (an emotional outburst, engagement, attention, tears).
I found it impossible to do as a child, and indeed this advice would enrage and upset me further as noone ever gave me any practical tools to acomplish this: I couldn't fake nonchalance and I didn’t have the life-experience to know that what others think or say about or to me says far more about them than me.
As an adult I am slowly building these skills. It’s a LOT easier to do when you actually don't care about what the issue that the bully is talking about but saying but I am beginning to find a way of not caring about the words, even if the issue is really important to me. It takes practice, and mistakes and forgiving myself for not doing it perfectly:
sometimes I imagine that they are a mentally ill person or a small child critisising me or my choices, to emphasise that their words are meaningful to their experience of the world, but carry very little weight regarding my reality.
sometimes I remember that "hurt people hurt people", in the past (I hope less so in the future) when I have been in intense pain, I have lashed out at those who I thought were "causing it" and verbally attacked them with things that I knew would hurt but cared little abaout, or at least not as much as I made out during the attack: the object was to try and interact intensely with them, even if that was only in a painful argument. A friend told me that visualising holding up a mirror to someone when they start in helps her, she holds the mirror as a picture in her head deflecting all the ugly words back to them, I like to visualise a shining bubble of protection all around me: the words bouncing off.
I also try not to project worry into the future (and the serenity prayer is a fabulous tool here, even if I have to chant it over and over).
time is still flowing forward
:ghug3
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
"ok. i'll consider it"
"hmmm... that's certainly something to think about"
"I hadn't thought about it like that, can we talk about this again when I've had chance to consider that properly?"
i'm sure other people will have a plethora of responses that they use.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
perhaps this is unfair, but i also find it quite easy to distract a drunkard.
let's admit it, we are sober and they are not. this gives us an advantage, if we can manage ourselves emotionally.
often, when a touchy subject came up, i merely distracted them off of it without them even noticing!
things like:
"oh, i forgot to tell you, i saw your brother yesterday and he said...."
"hey, sorry to interupt, but did you hear about that horrible plane crash the other day?"
another tactic is leaving without making a point of taking a stand...
"oh, dear me, the grocery store is about to close...i gotta run...see ya later."
"is that the time?! i'm suppose to meet claire at the swimming pool right now! i'm away."
let's admit it, we are sober and they are not. this gives us an advantage, if we can manage ourselves emotionally.
often, when a touchy subject came up, i merely distracted them off of it without them even noticing!
things like:
"oh, i forgot to tell you, i saw your brother yesterday and he said...."
"hey, sorry to interupt, but did you hear about that horrible plane crash the other day?"
another tactic is leaving without making a point of taking a stand...
"oh, dear me, the grocery store is about to close...i gotta run...see ya later."
"is that the time?! i'm suppose to meet claire at the swimming pool right now! i'm away."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 80
Thanks so much everyone for the support and words of wisdom! I feel a lot better. I definitely have to learn to just not engage, and not give him the satisfaction of my emotional response. I got some paperwork from the family lawyer I saw recently and it confirmed that as we are not married, XABF does NOT have parental responsiblity over our son, as I'm responsible for his day to day care, I have the say about decisions over health and schooling - he will have to take me to court to override any of my decisions. So yes, like you say, Naive - I can hardly picture him going to those lengths and being organised enough to do it. If he does, the onus will be on HIM to prove he is worthy of having a say, and then he'll be subject to alcohol tests etc...not going to come out a winner I don't think!
At present he hasn't even got it together to get a lodger to share the house with him yet in 2 weeks time. This has an unfortunate effect on me b/c I need my half of the deposit back to put deposit on my own place now - but can't get it until a new lodger moves in. The landlady is not prepared to help ( I asked). Ugh. SO...once again he is in a seemingly unfairly advantageous position financially and power-wise. He's talking about getting one particular friend to share with him - and I said no, absolutely not, if you have him live here our son will never come here. He is worse than X, a complete pothead and alcoholic and has the most horrible sullied vibe about him. I can't bear being in a room with him for a few minutes, the thought of having him around my son is unbearable - and actually just of having him live here in the house that used to be our family home. I know I can't control ultimately who lives here but I'm going to stick to my guns re my son.
I keep handing it over and am quite surprised by how calm I feel about the whole money thing, and finding the right place, finding a new job etc. I just know it's all going to fall into place. My friend's mom saw me recently after a long time and said my energy was 'totally different' - that's definitely down to being out of this relationship. I feel more sure every day it was the right decision.
At present he hasn't even got it together to get a lodger to share the house with him yet in 2 weeks time. This has an unfortunate effect on me b/c I need my half of the deposit back to put deposit on my own place now - but can't get it until a new lodger moves in. The landlady is not prepared to help ( I asked). Ugh. SO...once again he is in a seemingly unfairly advantageous position financially and power-wise. He's talking about getting one particular friend to share with him - and I said no, absolutely not, if you have him live here our son will never come here. He is worse than X, a complete pothead and alcoholic and has the most horrible sullied vibe about him. I can't bear being in a room with him for a few minutes, the thought of having him around my son is unbearable - and actually just of having him live here in the house that used to be our family home. I know I can't control ultimately who lives here but I'm going to stick to my guns re my son.
I keep handing it over and am quite surprised by how calm I feel about the whole money thing, and finding the right place, finding a new job etc. I just know it's all going to fall into place. My friend's mom saw me recently after a long time and said my energy was 'totally different' - that's definitely down to being out of this relationship. I feel more sure every day it was the right decision.
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